lil100
New member
Hello everyone,
I have just discovered this website and it is somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone, and that I can finally let all my frustrations out regarding the state of my life due to my extreme ocd. Basically I have been living with ocd for the past seven years, since around about the time when I was studying for my A levels. At first it started by writing lots of lists and checking things excessively amongst other things, all of which I HAD to do perfectly, otherwise I thought something bad would happen to me or members of my family. This had a profound effect on my life, especially as I spent more time checking my lists about revising for my exams than actually doing the revision itself meaning my education suffered which I found hard to deal with. I then went onto University where things quickly became worse. I felt anxious all the time and was checking everything more and more. I religiously had to go around the room saying the word 'done' and often found myself literally walking around in circles saying this whilst checking things. I would sometimes even collapse whilst doing this from being exhausted. I then quit my course at uni and moved back home with my parents where I have been for the past six years. During this time I have had many ups and downs. I have had rituals which consisted of walking in and out of rooms again and again until it felt 'right', sat on the sofa and stood up again until I felt I had sat down perfectly. I would be in a conversation with my mum for example and would purposely repeat words or sentences as I had an urge to or something horrible would happen. I stopped watching tv for ages as everything I was watching whether it be a soap or the news would involve someone having cancer which really got to me and installed a fear in me that if I didn't do something right then I or someone else would die of it, the fact that both my parents smoke didn't really help. I would also have routines which included the way I washed, did my skincare, did my hair etc etc. This was all proving really difficult but unfortunately it has got a lot worse in the past three years. I started to develop an obsession with cleaning, whereby I wanted to use my 'own' soap, wash my hands again and again, have showers more than the average person would etc. However, somehow I convinced myself that I was dealing with it and finally decided to do something and went out and volunteered for a couple of months at a local cattery. I thought it was a good idea as I wanted to break the cycle I was in and I thought working in somewhat 'dirty' conditions might help as I would be confronting the dirt, and also because I absolutely adore animals, particularly cats. Anyhow, this has proved to be the worst mistake of my life. From day one of volunteering there I freaked out. My co-workers were not aware of this but inside I was dying. I knew I would be handling cat litter, cat food etc but I didn't expect it to effect me so much. However, I tried not to let it get to me and carried on working there, but things got a lot worse. I became a lot more observant, watching everyone, wondering if they were clean, wondering if I were clean and so on. I was also freaking out as I had now 'contaminated' my car, and my parents house, my room in particular. I felt and still do feel as if I am covered in what I refer to as 'cat skank'. I know this probably sounds ridiculous but the thought of it terrifies me, I feel physically sick most of the time because of worry. I now don't even touch my own cats whom I love more than anything in the world as I believe they have 'cat skank' on them. I haven't been anywhere near them for three years and if they go near me I will panic! I also no longer have any intentional interaction with my family or anyone who I consider to be unclean. I haven't had proper physical contact with anyone like a hug for three years, which can leave you feeling pretty lonely. I recently moved out of home and into my own flat thinking it might help in some way to get out of my living nightmare at my parents home but it didn't work. In my flat, I wouldn't eat or drink something if I got it into my head that it was dirty, when I went to wash my clothes I would have to have a shower after handling my dirty washing, and sometimes I would end up having several showers a day each lasting at least two hours, using up a bottle of shower gel each time too, and one day I had a total of eight showers, I have also been known to have been in the shower for seven hours!!! I was basically putting my body through hell. My ankles would swell to such a point that I could hardly walk. In the end, I escaped and ended up staying in hotels, and whenever I though they were contaminated I just moved on to another hotel. This as you can imagine was becoming very expensive, but I was just so desperate to stay clean, and I didn't wan to go back to my flat. The last time I was there I honestly didn't think I was going to make it out alive, I was at rock bottom. I eventually checked into a place with the hope that they could help, but if anything with their lack of understanding and unclean facilities it was unbearable. I am now back at my parents home and still in a state. In a way I feel relieved that I am home and have some company again, but I am in such a state, I feel so down. My family have been urging me to get either cognitive therapy or take medication, but I am not keen on either. When I went to this centre which is supposed to be supportive and understanding I felt like they just wanted to pop me full of pills and didn't actually care about the underlying reason as to why I might have these problems. I don't really mind the idea of the cognitive behavioral therapy, but another one of my problems is time keeping, and so I KNOW i won't make it to my session on time. Please help! I have no idea what to do or what is best. I feel so trapped and alone. My family are tryng to be there for me but they don't ever really understand what I am going through and I get really annoyed and upset when they say to me that if I don't like my ocd then I should just not do my rituals, but as I'm sure many of you know that is just not possible. I have often thought of suicide, as this is making my life hell and I find it hard to cope. I don't really have anyone I can confide in and as I said my family don't truly accept it, particularly my Dad who doesn't get it one bit and often likes to imply that I am going mad and I should just deal with it and his general approach to me in everyday life since I was born was to crush my confidence and generally make me feel like shit, all of which doesn't help my ocd.. Does anyone here think medication or behavioral therapy is a good idea and does it really make a permanent difference? I would appreciate it if someone could reply.
Sorry for rambling on and on, it's just I needed to let it all out.
Many thanks
x
I have just discovered this website and it is somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone, and that I can finally let all my frustrations out regarding the state of my life due to my extreme ocd. Basically I have been living with ocd for the past seven years, since around about the time when I was studying for my A levels. At first it started by writing lots of lists and checking things excessively amongst other things, all of which I HAD to do perfectly, otherwise I thought something bad would happen to me or members of my family. This had a profound effect on my life, especially as I spent more time checking my lists about revising for my exams than actually doing the revision itself meaning my education suffered which I found hard to deal with. I then went onto University where things quickly became worse. I felt anxious all the time and was checking everything more and more. I religiously had to go around the room saying the word 'done' and often found myself literally walking around in circles saying this whilst checking things. I would sometimes even collapse whilst doing this from being exhausted. I then quit my course at uni and moved back home with my parents where I have been for the past six years. During this time I have had many ups and downs. I have had rituals which consisted of walking in and out of rooms again and again until it felt 'right', sat on the sofa and stood up again until I felt I had sat down perfectly. I would be in a conversation with my mum for example and would purposely repeat words or sentences as I had an urge to or something horrible would happen. I stopped watching tv for ages as everything I was watching whether it be a soap or the news would involve someone having cancer which really got to me and installed a fear in me that if I didn't do something right then I or someone else would die of it, the fact that both my parents smoke didn't really help. I would also have routines which included the way I washed, did my skincare, did my hair etc etc. This was all proving really difficult but unfortunately it has got a lot worse in the past three years. I started to develop an obsession with cleaning, whereby I wanted to use my 'own' soap, wash my hands again and again, have showers more than the average person would etc. However, somehow I convinced myself that I was dealing with it and finally decided to do something and went out and volunteered for a couple of months at a local cattery. I thought it was a good idea as I wanted to break the cycle I was in and I thought working in somewhat 'dirty' conditions might help as I would be confronting the dirt, and also because I absolutely adore animals, particularly cats. Anyhow, this has proved to be the worst mistake of my life. From day one of volunteering there I freaked out. My co-workers were not aware of this but inside I was dying. I knew I would be handling cat litter, cat food etc but I didn't expect it to effect me so much. However, I tried not to let it get to me and carried on working there, but things got a lot worse. I became a lot more observant, watching everyone, wondering if they were clean, wondering if I were clean and so on. I was also freaking out as I had now 'contaminated' my car, and my parents house, my room in particular. I felt and still do feel as if I am covered in what I refer to as 'cat skank'. I know this probably sounds ridiculous but the thought of it terrifies me, I feel physically sick most of the time because of worry. I now don't even touch my own cats whom I love more than anything in the world as I believe they have 'cat skank' on them. I haven't been anywhere near them for three years and if they go near me I will panic! I also no longer have any intentional interaction with my family or anyone who I consider to be unclean. I haven't had proper physical contact with anyone like a hug for three years, which can leave you feeling pretty lonely. I recently moved out of home and into my own flat thinking it might help in some way to get out of my living nightmare at my parents home but it didn't work. In my flat, I wouldn't eat or drink something if I got it into my head that it was dirty, when I went to wash my clothes I would have to have a shower after handling my dirty washing, and sometimes I would end up having several showers a day each lasting at least two hours, using up a bottle of shower gel each time too, and one day I had a total of eight showers, I have also been known to have been in the shower for seven hours!!! I was basically putting my body through hell. My ankles would swell to such a point that I could hardly walk. In the end, I escaped and ended up staying in hotels, and whenever I though they were contaminated I just moved on to another hotel. This as you can imagine was becoming very expensive, but I was just so desperate to stay clean, and I didn't wan to go back to my flat. The last time I was there I honestly didn't think I was going to make it out alive, I was at rock bottom. I eventually checked into a place with the hope that they could help, but if anything with their lack of understanding and unclean facilities it was unbearable. I am now back at my parents home and still in a state. In a way I feel relieved that I am home and have some company again, but I am in such a state, I feel so down. My family have been urging me to get either cognitive therapy or take medication, but I am not keen on either. When I went to this centre which is supposed to be supportive and understanding I felt like they just wanted to pop me full of pills and didn't actually care about the underlying reason as to why I might have these problems. I don't really mind the idea of the cognitive behavioral therapy, but another one of my problems is time keeping, and so I KNOW i won't make it to my session on time. Please help! I have no idea what to do or what is best. I feel so trapped and alone. My family are tryng to be there for me but they don't ever really understand what I am going through and I get really annoyed and upset when they say to me that if I don't like my ocd then I should just not do my rituals, but as I'm sure many of you know that is just not possible. I have often thought of suicide, as this is making my life hell and I find it hard to cope. I don't really have anyone I can confide in and as I said my family don't truly accept it, particularly my Dad who doesn't get it one bit and often likes to imply that I am going mad and I should just deal with it and his general approach to me in everyday life since I was born was to crush my confidence and generally make me feel like shit, all of which doesn't help my ocd.. Does anyone here think medication or behavioral therapy is a good idea and does it really make a permanent difference? I would appreciate it if someone could reply.
Sorry for rambling on and on, it's just I needed to let it all out.
Many thanks
x
