Pure thought, and raw panic

[crazyfairyx]

I don't know if this will even make sense to anyone, but after I told my boyfriend about my SA and everything, he was confused, and it threw me straight into a panic attack, and I wrote down whatever came into my head, and this is what it looks like lol. There's no structure, proper punctuation, or anything, it's just pure thought, and raw panic. Exactly how I was feeling at that time, and maybe someone will relate to it. I wrote it about two years ago.



Can’t cope,
Trapped
Lost
Black hole becoming my brain
As the fear inside begins again
Lost can’t find the way out
Losing the battle too fast
Can’t wait ‘til this hunger has passed
The hunger for light and soul and a way to let go
Trapped in something I can’t explain
Lost never to know this pain
The blackness is consuming me
Stop, stop, stop
But it all happens again
It’s all too fast
The picture is blurred
I cannot see
I cannot speak
Lost
Dying
Losing again
Confused
Alone
Alone
Not knowing where to turn
Alone, lost, lost
Trapped in what
Trapped in who
Trapped in everything that I do
Trapped
What r u talking about
Do u hate
Will I suffocate
What is going thru my mind
In these questions u will find
The person I don’t want to be
The person u will never see
Lost, lost, lost
It’s all my fault
It’s me
It’s me
It’s my fault
I hurt u
I confused u
Looking thru a window from the outside
That’s me
That’s me
That’s what I made u feel
None of this is real
Please forget what I told u,
Please don’t feel like this
It’s all my fault
And now I’m lost
Running out of air
Can’t breathe
Can’t breathe
I cannot perceive the pain I cause
Lost, lost, lost and lonely
If I only I could fix myself
If only everything would disappear
I don’t deserve u
I think bad things
I worry about everything
I ruin everything
I don’t deserve a home
I don’t deserve a bed
I don’t deserve the love I have been given
I don’t deserve anything at all
Yes I do
I deserve to rot away like the aching child I am
I deserve to bleed these heartless tears
The sweet pillows to my burning soul
A lost one
A lost heart
I was left to fall apart

 

[crazyfairyx]

Hey hun, I'm sorry you're so depressed at the moment.

The only time I really write poetry is when I'm depressed and I have lots of feelings of anger racing around inside me, and then my keyboard gets a bashing or I scrawl all over a piece of paper, just venting all my feelings out. I find it quite theraputic

I'm glad you like what I write, I guess I want my angry and scared words to have some kind of purpose, like the poison I feel pouring out of my fingers when I write it, I want it to be something more than just pain. If that makes any sense whatsoever and I doubt it does, because I'm rambling.

Naomi x

 

[crazyfairyx]

Just try relaxing and drawing and writing random words on a piece of paper for a while, I find that tends to draw it out of me, like suddenly I'm writing all these thoughts and feelings down that I couldn't articulate before. I think it's kinda like letting your subconscious take over and allowing the words to flow.

 

[crazyfairyx]

just venting all my feelings out. I find it quite theraputic ...I want my angry and scared words to have some kind of purpose, like the poison I feel pouring out of my fingers when I write it, I want it to be something more than just pain. If that makes any sense whatsoever

I make a lot more sense than you obvious think. Using the pain to create. It would certainly be one of the more productive way of releasing pressure. It's like Magma pressure building up pushing against a surface, you stab the crust with you pen and it bursts out flowing all over your paper where ever it wants to go.


From your post, do I understand correctly that it's unedited?

Yeah I agree with you, making something creative and different with the pain, I really like your metaphor for it.

Yup unedited, I decided to leave it as it was, because it just seemed like the best thing to do, because it's pure emotion, without any frills or effects. Even if that means it's unreadable and hopeless

 

[introvert]

Wait.. with a bit of creative marketing..

Stop, stop, stop!
But it all happens again... yeah!
It’s all too faaasssttt [insert smashing guitar solo here].

I just ask that you remember me when you're a millionare. :lol:

 

[crazyfairyx]

Wait.. with a bit of creative marketing..

Stop, stop, stop!
But it all happens again... yeah!
It’s all too faaasssttt [insert smashing guitar solo here].

I just ask that you remember me when you're a millionare. :lol:

Awesome, I've always wanted lots of money :lol:

 

[Jegan]