Relationship question... Need input...

[XxJustMexX]

Hi everyone. I'm new here and joined to ask a question that's been bothering me about my extremely shy "boyfriend". I apologize beforehand if this turns out long. To be honest I've been typing for quite a while now and it turned out hella long so I'm trying to rewrite to condense it...

The guy I'm dating (let's call him Tom) and I met about 4 months ago. For examples too long to explain, let's just say that he's liked me from day 1, liked me for a couple months and I started reciprocating feelings a couple months ago. According to friends, he's totally into me (his best friend tells me he reaaaaally likes me) but he's a "pansy". That to me just equates to being the nice guy of the group... So ya, about a month ago (after weeks of him just coming over and shyly "hanging out" at my place and not making any moves) I decided to invite him to a party (first time I invited him anywhere) and he put what he was doing down so quickly that I had the biggest smile on my face! lol. He stayed by my side the entire party and well... he hasn't left it since. Will explain later... Anyway... The next week, our mutual friends (a couple that rents a room out from me) and I were going camping and even though he had stuff to do, he totally dropped them to come spend time with me and come with us! I was stoked!

Anyway, 4 days camping and up until now we haven't done anything but slight flirting. That weekend definitely showed how much he cares. He helped with everything, offered to do everything for/with me, walked me to the rest rooms (every 15 minutes might I add... too much fun lol). The whole shebang. This guy is attached to me. Anyway, you would think 4 days of drunk camping, he'd make a move... Nope. But hell, all that did was make me respect him more! We even slept on the same air mattress and he was so respectful and didn't try anything...

So... about 3 weeks ago (after weeks of him doing nothing but gawking at me and being an absolute sweetheart to me) I finally dove in head first and kissed him. Wow. He definitely reciprocated and just in case, I did it again later that night to see if it was really something mutual, and again, definitely mutual... So, you would think this should have opened our relationship up a little more? Nope. Think again... lol.

A week goes by and nothing else... We're right back to the whole shyness thing aaaaaall over again. Really shy guys??? lol. I mean come on, I kissed him... TWICE. I thought that was my green light right there. Apparently not.

Anyway, here's the problem.

He's told people he likes me. He shows he likes me. Matter of fact I think he's pretty much in love with me... How I come to this conclusion is how he acts with me... all he does for me, how he looks at me... All the stuff that makes you feel all mushy inside... The problem is, aside from all that, - HE NEVER TOUCHES ME. Well, not never. A couple drunk times he's put his hand on my back. For a second. Then probably got so nervous he peed his pants. Really.

In the last month we've moved forward enough to where you would think that he's 100% sure that I like him... but apparently not... or he's really just love shy or something... It's becoming something that's really playing with my mind... The emotions are there... but the physical things are missing.

Don't get me wrong, if I come up to him and hug him, he seems ok with it... He'll kiss me if I start it... He'll come cuddle if I ask... I've been told by people that I have to lead him into knowing it's ok so I've been doing a lot of the initiating. But you know what, it's really getting to me that I have to ask him or initiate ALL THE TIME.

I'm trying to understand that it's really hard for him to do any initiating... But for Christ's sake... I'm starting to think he may have some sort of affection/intimacy issue. According to him he was an unwanted child and his parents just basically cast him out of the family and treated him like the red headed step child since birth... I can only imagine how little to no affection he got... I think this is definitely a deep psychological issue. It's a wonder how he's turned out to be the sweetest guy I know. (Not only is this what I see, but his best friend who I met him through vouches that he's the nicest guy he knows...)

Anyway, so in the last month, we've moved forward enough to where we kiss a lot, but only because I initiate it... We cuddle... if I initiate it. We'll hug... if I initiate it... I'm getting so self conscious now though because he never initiates. It's getting to a point where sometimes I'm starting to doubt and question whether he wants me to or not... It's become such a problem in my head that I even had to ask him a couple days ago if I kissed him too much and he said "no way" and leaned over and kissed me... (for the first time I might add!) But to be honest, it sometimes seems forced!!! Once our lips lock, oh ya, I can tell there's something there. But getting to that point means I have to initiate it, or ask for it... Holding my hand...? Forget it.

The last couple of days... it's been getting better. I told him two days ago that I loved kissing him, and I think that may have boosted his confidence up a little because he's starting to pick up on when I want a kiss (but I still have to hint...!)

Anyway, my question is... WTF? I mean, we do physical stuff all the time, but the problem is that I have to initiate it all the time... There's been a couple times where he made a baby step like putting a hand on my back or whatever but that's about it. The other day when I asked him to cuddle with me on the couch, he straight sat down, let me lie on him, put his hands on the head of the couch. I had to literally grab his arm and put it around me... It stayed there all night, but hell, did I really have to teach him that??

I know it's not me... (at least I hope it isn't) But honestly, it's really bringing my own ego down. The thing is, trust me... this guy is in love with me. But it's only been less than a month and there's no freaking affection unless I start it. It's getting to me. Most couples can't keep their hands off each other right now. I mean once I start it, ya, that's how it is... but why do I always have to start it...??

I'm not gonna lie, I have a high sex drive. I also come from a very affectional heritage... We hug, kiss, yadda yadda... it's second nature to us. So yes, I do kind of need to be touched once in a while. (If you know anything about the 5 love languages, no I'm not a physical touch person, I really am an acts of service person... which is why I fell for him since he does things for me all the time... but I still need the physical affection especially in the beginning of the relationship...!)

So ya, to sum it all up... What in hell is going on, and how do I go about this? I'm trying to be patient and "guide" him to let him know it's ok to break out of his shell... But it's seriously getting to the point where it's starting to make me self conscious and I'm getting hesitant to initiate anything because I start thinking in my head, well maybe he doesn't want me hugging/kissing him all the time. No matter how much he reciprocates, I still am starting to have insecurities and it makes me not want to do it anymore or I get nervous now and hesitant because I start thinking negatively.

You see, I too am shy. But I'm also one of those "get what she wants" driven women... So I have learned to put doubts aside and just go for things with confidence. So right now, I'm putting all my cards on the table, while I have to sit here and guess his cards.

Is this a case of SA, is he just extremely shy, major low self esteem... What's wrong with my guy and how can I help him break out of his shell????

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

You're a 'get what you want' kind of woman-- then just get used to being the boss.
haha
Seriously; that's just the way some relationships work.
If you want his to kiss you- tell him to do it or do it yourself.
If you want more, then express to him that it's okay; he has your permission and go along with your business.

There's nothing else I can tell you.
He'll get more comfortable with you in time BUT you can't change a man's personality, no matter how much you want it to change.

If he's too meek to initiate, then you can do it.
He may just 'like' you telling him what to do as well.
It's the 21st century- a woman is more than welcome to be the initiator these days.
No need to wait for your man to do everything.
If that's the type of guy you're looking for, then maybe this guy isn't the one for you?
If I were you, though-- I wouldn't let him slip through your fingers.
A guy who will cling to you and worship you is a rare thing.


How can you help him?
You can tell him how cute/smart/awesome he is every chance you get.
You can continue to date him seriously.
He needs time. Time is the major factor, I would say.

...lol-- and sorry to break it to you but a month isn't that long.
I don't even think I'd kiss a guy after a month of dating and I'm not shy. XD
Your sex drive will just have to wait for now... and waiting will only make it that much better when the real thing happens.

 

[Waybuloo]

Tell him how wonderful he is, how you like the way he kisses you, how that makes you feel, and you like him to kiss you more often, it's that good. That should give him hints. I think some people have such low self esteem that you need to point blank tell him exactly what you want from them, and guide them into having a better relationship.

It makes sense that he was an unwanted child. If this was the case, I can imagine that his upbringing forged a person who doesn't know affection, doesn't know how to create or want it and give it. I know someone who had a mum who had post natal depression and she grew up hating affection. Maybe your bf doesn't hate it but he just needs to be shown the way. You'd have to be patient with him as he's like a blank canvas. Are you willing to take up the challenge?

 

[XxJustMexX]

Thanks McGee. I think I just need to know that it's not me I guess. It's just to the point where I feel like I'm forcing him to be affectionate and I really don't want to force him. I read a thread here in the SA forums about shyness and physical contact and how SA people have trouble touching people and I thought it may have something to do with it. He's definitely the quiet one in groups, unless he's drinking. As a matter of fact, I don't think he talks much at all unless he's had a beer. I think even just having a beer in his hand (even if he's not drinking it!) gives him confidence and he uses that as an excuse to get past the anxiety.

Yes. Time. Bleh. lol. Ya, I know it's only been a month... but I have major anxiety and patience is not my best subject. lol.

I guess I don't really have a question. I may just want some assurance that this is just the way some guys are. Because like I said, it's making me doubt. I just am more used to guys that aren't this shy and well, since that "honeymoon stage" usually involves a lot of affection and I'm not receiving it, it's making me self conscious and doubt things.

And yes, definitely agreed, I'm not letting this guy slip away. I'm falling head over heels for him and even though I'm stating this problem here, I'm very happy with everything else. He definitely treats me well... I know it's always the ACTIONS you look at, and not the words (or in this case, lack of it since he's too shy to talk most of the time). It's just that since the shyness is prohibiting him from being physical and a lot of time it also prohibits him from talking, I have to work extra hard at trying to be understanding that it's not me...

I'm also afraid I'll come off as TOO bossy. I want to believe that he WANTS me to initiate things... But I guess sometimes I get self conscious myself ya know?

Also, I know there's no time limit for these things... But another question... I can tell that he and I are both really just into each other... We are definitely going into the realm of exclusivity. He's actually not the type to really have girlfriends, according to his best friend, because of the shyness... Matter of fact I can't believe he's actually head over heels for me because even though I have no problem getting guys, he's actually waaaaaay out of my league, and I would have definitely thought he'd had his share of women. But apparently, he's only slept with a handful of women. So I do feel really blessed to have nabbed this hottie.... Oops, straying away from the question... How long will I have to wait until something "official" happens? I mean right now we act like we're together. He actually is renting a room from me now. Or is this something that I'm going to have to do myself as well? I'd hate to introduce him as "my friend" for the next year until he grows the balls to make it official! lol.

 

[XxJustMexX]

Waybuloo-

Yes I'm definitely up to the challenge this guy is definitely worth it. I just hope I have enough self esteem for the both of us and I dont run out before he open up.

I do tell him all the time how cute he is, sweet... I smile at him all the time. I just don't wanna overdo it and seem like a crazy stalker broad lol.

He is getting better though. Not with initiating, but with accepting that I do like him. He's definitely really receptive to my affection so I guess that's a good sign. I just hope it's not too much for him. Which is the reason I finally asked him the other night if I kissed him too much. He answered with a kiss so I guess that wad his way of letting me know "ya I'm into you, don't stop".

As you seem to know his type of personality, can I ask, are you like him as well? If so any other tips you can give? What's going on inside his head? I'd really like to understand so I can help...

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Ahh... well, if he's not the type to have girlfriends, he probably just assumes you're going steady and being exclusive.

...I really have no idea when it comes to that... I guess I'm old fashioned and when I date someone, I assume they're only dating me.
I sure as hell wouldn't date more than one person at a time. haha

 

[cloudbound]

Haha, it could have been my boyfriend writing that a few years ago. I was terrified of him at first, even just to speak to him. For the first maybe 2 months, we hung around not saying a whole lot to eachother, just holding hands and giving the occasional peck, that's about it. He didn't push me, he did try to initiate stuff sometimes, but really he just let the relationship happen, he was very patient. It took a good 6 or 7 months until I was able to to do touchy-feely stuff without him making the first move, but none of that was because of him, infact maybe it was but only because I liked him so very much I didn't want to do anything wrong, so I'm glad you realise that it's probably more to do with his problems than yourself.

I suppose you gotta ask, is he worth the wait? It could take quite some time before he's able to relax with you. My boyfriend waited for me and we will have been together for 6 years in January

I hope things work out for you two

 

[XxJustMexX]

Ahh... well, if he's not the type to have girlfriends, he probably just assumes you're going steady and being exclusive.

...I really have no idea when it comes to that... I guess I'm old fashioned and when I date someone, I assume they're only dating me.
I sure as hell wouldn't date more than one person at a time. haha

I'm the same way. I actually don't "date"... at least not the way other people do it. I don't understand those people who date around and then "take their pick" later... With me, if I'm into someone, I'm into only that someONE... I can't even fathom how people can date a different person a week.

I guess my question really is the whole label thing. I'm definitely not in a hurry and am not into that whole labelling a relationship thing, but in my case it's just awkward because I'm not sure what to call him. "The guy I'm dating" is pretty much what I'm using right now. I honestly don't know what to tell people if I'm asked if I have a boyfriend. All I can say is I'm dating someone... Ya know? I'm just wondering I guess if this is something I should bring up to him... but then again I don't want it to look like I'm having "the talk" lol. I know it's too early and I'm probably sounding impatient... I'm not, I'm just in that awkward beginning relationship spot. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what he considers me when the time comes. I just don't want him to introduce me as "this is [my name here]" every time I'm introduced... The whole shyness and slow moving process is just a bit confusing to me as I've never dated someone this shy...

 

[XxJustMexX]

Haha, it could have been my boyfriend writing that a few years ago. I was terrified of him at first, even just to speak to him. For the first maybe 2 months, we hung around not saying a whole lot to eachother, just holding hands and giving the occasional peck, that's about it. He didn't push me, he did try to initiate stuff sometimes, but really he just let the relationship happen, he was very patient. It took a good 6 or 7 months until I was able to to do touchy-feely stuff without him making the first move, but none of that was because of him, infact maybe it was but only because I liked him so very much I didn't want to do anything wrong, so I'm glad you realise that it's probably more to do with his problems than yourself.

I suppose you gotta ask, is he worth the wait? It could take quite some time before he's able to relax with you. My boyfriend waited for me and we will have been together for 6 years in January

I hope things work out for you two

6 or 7 months... Ahhh, I've heard that before lol.

OK, I have to ask. In either case (yours or mine, since they're similar)... OK, so the initiator has been showing they like you... They initiate things, they've given you full blown obvious moves (not even hints anymore, past that...)... So what's stopping you from moving forward yourself? Is it fear... If so, fear of what... rejection... embarassment? I mean, I know about hurt... believe me. I myself was shy with this guy for the first 3 months, but finally jumped in head first this last month because to be honest, I didn't want this guy to pass and I decided he was worth my effort... even if meant rejection. I at least had to know and try ya know?

So what is it that stops you... What in your shyness stops you from let's say... initiating a kiss... or grabbing thier hand? If you've been shown 100% that they're into you, what is it in you that stops you?

Because seriously, I do feel like I scare him sometimes. I was actually joking with him the other day saying how he seems to be afraid of girls lol. He said nahhh. I honestly do feel like I intimidate him and I don't want to do that. I try to assure him as much as I can that I like him. He just seems so scared of me sometimes! Seriously. What's that about? lol. Sometimes I'll sit next to him and it seriously seems like he's about to run away lol.

 

[cloudbound]

For me, I was scared of embarrassment. It embarrassed me so much to do anything at all infront of him, especially towards him. It didn't add up in my head, even after that amount of time and after hearing from his own mouth he was into me, why he would like me. I felt unwanted for most of my life so it was a shock to the system for me to hear someone wants me all of a sudden.

It isn't as simple as reading signs, realising they like you and taking it from there, not for some people anyway. It's hard to explain because I was in a whirlwind of emotions at the time and I didn't even know what was going on myself, I think I just felt like I would do something stupid or something wrong and I worked it up into something much bigger in my mind.

I don't wanna sound preachy too, but if it was me I wouldn't call him out on his nervousness towards you. When people have done that to me it has made things 10 times more difficult and embarrassing. And he might want to run away from you, I wanted to run away so many times but make sure you remember it's not you.

 

[coyote]

For me, I was scared of embarrassment. It embarrassed me so much to do anything at all infront of him, especially towards him. It didn't add up in my head, even after that amount of time and after hearing from his own mouth he was into me, why he would like me. I felt unwanted for most of my life so it was a shock to the system for me to hear someone wants me all of a sudden.

It isn't as simple as reading signs, realising they like you and taking it from there, not for some people anyway. It's hard to explain because I was in a whirlwind of emotions at the time and I didn't even know what was going on myself, I think I just felt like I would do something stupid or something wrong and I worked it up into something much bigger in my mind.

I don't wanna sound preachy too, but if it was me I wouldn't call him out on his nervousness towards you. When people have done that to me it has made things 10 times more difficult and embarrassing. And he might want to run away from you, I wanted to run away so many times but make sure you remember it's not you.

i was thinking very much along the same lines

he may very well be terrified of doing something that will cause you to reject him or dislike him

he likes you so much that he doesn't want to screw it up by doing the wrong thing

so somehow he needs reassurance that anything physical that he tries will be met with acceptance

until he's confident of that, he won't try anything

 

[LifeInternal88]

So what is it that stops you... What in your shyness stops you from let's say... initiating a kiss... or grabbing thier hand? If you've been shown 100% that they're into you, what is it in you that stops you?

That's a good question hey. My first relationship I was so passive. In fact, looking back - I don't think I initiated a single thing. I don't know WHY. I think I just didn't know how to initiate stuff. Plus he was very extroverted and talkative.

Anyway when things ended, the one complaint he had about me was that I did not talk about myself a lot. He was like 'I don't know anything about your family' and just that I did not share myself openly with him and that we did not have a proper relationship. Anyway at first I was very hurt by those statements. Seriously hurt. But now I am so glad he did tell me. And after giving it some serious thought I realized what he meant.

Going forward, I know that I will just have to be more conscious about these things. Force myself to 'open up'. I think I also need to build up self confidence before entering another relationship. I don't think a relationship should complete you - you should be whole before. I'm glad I had that relationship...it taught me a lot about myself. I no longer feel bad about it, I now know that I must improve...even if these things don't come naturally to me.

 

[XxJustMexX]

It isn't as simple as reading signs, realising they like you and taking it from there, not for some people anyway. It's hard to explain because I was in a whirlwind of emotions at the time and I didn't even know what was going on myself, I think I just felt like I would do something stupid or something wrong and I worked it up into something much bigger in my mind.

Say I find a perfect romantic moment... A moment where I could tell him how much I care about him... like him, etc... and anything else I can get in there to assure him that I'm absolutely head over heels for him and would never do anything to hurt him... Would this help or would it make it worse?

 

[XxJustMexX]

he likes you so much that he doesn't want to screw it up by doing the wrong thing

so somehow he needs reassurance that anything physical that he tries will be met with acceptance

until he's confident of that, he won't try anything

Sigh. This is pretty much the conclusion I've had in my head. I guess patience really is the virtue that this guy is teaching me. lol.

I think I'm breaking him down though. I've gotten to the point now where if I hold out a hand, he'll take it... If I come in close, he'll hug me... A certain look, and he knows I want a kiss and he'll give it... I guess I should be happy that I've gotten this much progress... I guess I'm just waiting for the day when he'll be the one coming up from behind and giving me a hug... Or he'll be the one coming up to me and just planting one on me.

I guess the only thing I can really do is just keep doing what I'm doing and wait huh...

 

[cloudbound]

I think it would probably help. Don't expect it to make a massive impact though, because that's not guaranteed. Not saying it won't, just not to get your hopes up too much. It's obviously a deep psychological issue that probably that will take more than kind words to heal. I think you have the right attitude though, like you genuinely want to do what's best for this guy so I wish you luck and I do hope you are able to help him.

 

[XxJustMexX]

I think it would probably help. Don't expect it to make a massive impact though, because that's not guaranteed. Not saying it won't, just not to get your hopes up too much. It's obviously a deep psychological issue that probably that will take more than kind words to heal. I think you have the right attitude though, like you genuinely want to do what's best for this guy so I wish you luck and I do hope you are able to help him.

Thank you. I really do. I'm almost 30 years old, have been married and divorced, have had several long term relationships... and none... NONE of my exes have ever made me feel the way he makes me feel... even during those honeymoon stages... I just know that he's showing it in the way that he knows how, which is why I'm willing to do whatever I can to show him too. I completely understand that I receive his love a lot easier than he receives mine (as he has doubts due to insecurity) so I try my hardest to get it through that confused head of his.

I write a lot of poetry... So I think that's what I'll do... I'll write a poem.

 

[A86]

stupid irrational fear.

He may make you doubt yourself at times, but you have to understand that in all likleyhood, its the complete opposite, and he is just learning to deal with a stupid irrational fear along with other emotions that hes not used to expressing.

in my experiance, there is only one cure for this. Time.
in time he will better undertand these feelings making him more comfortable being himself around you.

seems like you know this already. so i am just reassuring. good things come to those who wait.