Seeking constant approval?

[paul2585]

Since Ive had problems with social phobia/agoraphobia Ive found that I criticise myself much more and then try to get other people to prove me wrong. Does anyone else do that?

Its like being so desperate for compliments that you'll make friends with absolutley anyone if they say something nice, even if its just a throw-away comment

 

[Harleyq]

Sometimes...not as much as I used to. My appearance used to be a major thing. I remember in early highschool and middle school if another girl got complimented on her looks, I would feel bad because I went way overboard and thought that if that other girl was so pretty, then I must be hideous. Now I'm glad to say I'm a lot more rational about petty stuff like that.

But it kinda comes with having SA - we're all nervous because we're afraid other won't approve of us so it just seems natural that some or most of us would go out and seek any kind of approval to validate our self-worth. I still find myself going "I accomplished ______ but I don't think it's that good" cause I'm afraid to boast in case it really isn't as good as I think it is. But then I'd be hoping that someone would be all "This is great!" and if they didn't, I'd get a little bit sad.

 

[Bar-AKA-Redzer]

I'm not like that at all, I actually dont like compliments as funny as it may sound. I can nver tell when someone means it or is just being nice.

 

[Scrabbl]

I do all of the above.

Lately as my SA is getting better and I'm socializing more I find that I'm always trying to "manipulate" people to like me and approve of me by talking about the stuff they're interested in as opposed to stuff I myself is interested in. As well I go into "listener mode" and pretend to care about all their problems when I'm around them. It works like magic. People love to talk about themselves and it's usually hard to find someone who will listen. But in the end I feel so used... And I really didn't achieve my first goal of making people like me and approve of me, because I've never shown them the real me.

 

[Lonelykitsune]

Im not really intrested in complimnts,just makes me feel anxious and all i evr have to reply with is thanks.

 

[paul2585]

See what you mean about not showing people the real you. If you were to show the 'real' you and get rejected then thats comfirmation of your fears right?

A lot of people talk about these problems but they hardly ever mention the immense boredom and lonliness! The only people there are to meet for us is people online, which is great sometimes. Until they move on with thier life and your left staring at thier 'offline' icon praying you get a text from someone, anyone

This sound familiar to anyone?

 

[redski]

...This sound familiar to anyone?

Yes, it does. Sometime I find myself "trying" to keep in touch too much
with the few on-line friends I have.

 

[paul2585]

Exactly, but then of course they think you're coming on to strong. Don't know about you but sometimes find myself wishing thier lives would start to fall apart so perhaps they might need me.
The thing is a lot of the time people will say they understand and say they'll be there for you, can text anytime and theyll be right there! Of course when you do decide to get in touch they will have to decide whats more important; watching the tv or replying, and we all know which option is more appealing. For this reason Ive found that my best friends have always been people with similar conditions. And 99% of the time the people with our condition are much stronger and usually nicer people.

Sometimes I just want to tell someone that I made it outside and perhaps get a 'well done'
Anyone else think so?

 

[PennyLane]

A compliment would be wasted on me, I would dismiss it as someone just trying to be nice and polite.

 

[Bar-AKA-Redzer]

same here with me

 

[redski]

Exactly, but then ...

Yep, I was once like this but it hit me that a lot of those
people where not real friends. There I was trying to be
a good an loyal friend and to them a tv series was more
important or it was to cold outside to meet me.

I figured out a few years ago that this is a self esteem
thing. Just like the title of your thread "I was seeking approval"
I cannot be bothered with such people anymore and the
few times I have to meet them I do just that and do not
try with them after that.
It's taken a while but it can be done and I am
pretty happy now that I do not have them in my life.
One thing also you cannot put blame on them as you
are the one which is causing this. Took a while to
figure out too.

And 99% of the time the people with our condition are much stronger and usually nicer people

I strongly agree with this. I am sure Serifina will have her opinion on this topic.

 

[PennyLane]

Yep, I was once like this but it hit me that a lot of those
people where not real friends. There I was trying to be
a good an loyal friend and to them a tv series was more
important or it was to cold outside to meet me.

I figured out a few years ago that this is a self esteem
thing. Just like the title of your thread "I was seeking approval"
I cannot be bothered with such people anymore and the
few times I have to meet them I do just that and do not
try with them after that.
It's taken a while but it can be done and I am
pretty happy now that I do not have them in my life.
One thing also you cannot put blame on them as you
are the one which is causing this. Took a while to
figure out too.


I strongly agree with this. I am sure Serifina will have her opinion on this topic.

I think you expect a lot from people. If they are not going through SA it is very hard for them to understand. Also unless someone is really a best friend I don't think they can be expected to drop everything for you. I often think that there are probably many important things going on in their lives that I don;t know about.

Sometimes if someone is constantly asking for help and support it can be draining. I know that when I talk to my mum she finds it all very upsetting and hard to hear. She does it, because she loves me and shes my mum...but with friends they can't always deal with it or know how to help. It may be a lot of pressure for them.

 

[redski]

I think you expect a lot from people...

Yes and no. However I do not think my point came across.
There is a saying "treat people the way you want to be treated".
I cannot say it holds very well, not for me at least.

I would have to illustrate how friends have treated me but then
it feels like I am just digging up old garbage which I have buried
and forgotten.

I should add my SA is a lot more mild then some of the poor souls on
this forum.

 

[PennyLane]

And 99% of the time the people with our condition are much stronger and usually nicer people.

I think this is unfair, they are probably not nicer they just understand more.

I reckon overcoming SA takes strength but just having it doesn't make you strong.

To me this is just a condition it doesn't make you a better or worse person.

 

[redski]

...And 99% of the time the people with our condition are much stronger and usually nicer people.

I feel I have to defend us Maybe not 99% but the few people I have
met with SA are in fact nicer then the ones without but it all comes
with the disorder, low self esteem which means as the title of this thread
always trying to please people which also means looking for constant approval.
Wouldn't you at least agree with that?

 

[ravens410]

I do all of the above.

Lately as my SA is getting better and I'm socializing more I find that I'm always trying to "manipulate" people to like me and approve of me by talking about the stuff they're interested in as opposed to stuff I myself is interested in. As well I go into "listener mode" and pretend to care about all their problems when I'm around them. It works like magic. People love to talk about themselves and it's usually hard to find someone who will listen. But in the end I feel so used... And I really didn't achieve my first goal of making people like me and approve of me, because I've never shown them the real me.

I'm like that only in sense that I always listen but I don't tell my business. Life erxperiences has taught that when you are completely open with people...they will use it against you the moment things become sour. I guess we're all like Dexter except we don't kill people.

 

[paul2585]

So whats the answer? You're sat on your bed, your phone is next to you and your messenger/msn/chat is on, you've sent some texts to people and have had no reply in several hours. You feel so lonely that you could cry, can't meet people outside for obvious reasons and college/school/job isn't possible. What do you do? How do you turn the corner?

I guess you could sit there by yourself, wait for any kind of reply. Or maybe just keep sending messages until someone eventually gets back to you, most likely out of annoyance but who cares, its a reply. You could try going on something like facebook but that will just depress you because it'll confirm that your friends are in fact online and talking to other people about other things that don't involve you.

What do you do now? Im sure at least some people have been in a similar situation?