ParanoidWarrior
New member
Hello everyone, i'm new to these boards. I signed up here because I was wondering if anyone could relate to an issue i'm having.
Bit of background: I am turning 21 next month, have OCD, many different obsessions have come and gone; Harm OCD, POCD, "I want to do my mom/sis" OCD and my most current is HOCD, which I have had for about 2 to 3 years now. HOCD basically is fearing you are a sexual orientation you are not. I obsess about being bi/gay while I know i'm straight. I'm in CBT, and have been told by several therapists that my problem is OCD and that it is the cause of my doubts/fears.
In the past, in Highschool, I've been bullied, was a social outcast, never have had a girlfriend and self-esteem issues. I was called gay by the girls, and to this day I have no idea why. Even at 14 years old, I was far ahead of other guys, mentally and physically. I had/have no features that would suggest "he's a typical gay". No idea whether they actually thought this or did this to bully me, because of the way I reacted.
As you might have guessed by now; I fear/think that every woman that looks at me immediatly will assume i'm gay even though there is, if i'm to believe friends and relatives, absolutly nothing to suggest as much. They say that i'm a handsome, intelligent, masculine and tough looking guy (you wouldn't think so when reading this pathetic rant, I know). I am, however, very shy because I feel people didn't like me, that women would never take an interest in a guy like me, despite people who know me claiming the opposite.
For example, there is this cute girl at the reception where I have CBT... She stares at me and keeps doing this, but for some reason she doesn't talk to me anymore. She did when she first started working there. She doesn't look away when I look back and always has a faint smile when she does. Or maybe it's a smirk because she thinks i'm an idiot, and most likely gay...
The issue i'm writing this entire rant for is this: stuff like walking away from the check-in desk, then hearing her whisper to a female co-worker, and then making out things like "he's such a fag" or "I bet he's gay" etc. This happens with just about every girl btw. I always pick up the words "gay" "fag" "homo" etc. I fear that people are gossiping about me or something, and that now every girl thinks i'm gay, and that maybe this is a product of my Highschool time.
The problem is that I can't seem to get a good grip as to whether she actually says these things or that because of my fear + OCD I hear what I expect to hear. My therapist said he thinks this is the case; because my HOCD developed out of not feeling like a "good heterosexual man".
This in turn, triggered Schizo/paranoid OCD, fearing I was hallucinating, but that appearantly requires the sufferer to be 100% convinced of something.
In short: Can anyone relate with the whole "I think people gossip about me and talk negatively behind my back" thing?
Thank you for taking the time to read this rant and I look forward to replies.
Bit of background: I am turning 21 next month, have OCD, many different obsessions have come and gone; Harm OCD, POCD, "I want to do my mom/sis" OCD and my most current is HOCD, which I have had for about 2 to 3 years now. HOCD basically is fearing you are a sexual orientation you are not. I obsess about being bi/gay while I know i'm straight. I'm in CBT, and have been told by several therapists that my problem is OCD and that it is the cause of my doubts/fears.
In the past, in Highschool, I've been bullied, was a social outcast, never have had a girlfriend and self-esteem issues. I was called gay by the girls, and to this day I have no idea why. Even at 14 years old, I was far ahead of other guys, mentally and physically. I had/have no features that would suggest "he's a typical gay". No idea whether they actually thought this or did this to bully me, because of the way I reacted.
As you might have guessed by now; I fear/think that every woman that looks at me immediatly will assume i'm gay even though there is, if i'm to believe friends and relatives, absolutly nothing to suggest as much. They say that i'm a handsome, intelligent, masculine and tough looking guy (you wouldn't think so when reading this pathetic rant, I know). I am, however, very shy because I feel people didn't like me, that women would never take an interest in a guy like me, despite people who know me claiming the opposite.
For example, there is this cute girl at the reception where I have CBT... She stares at me and keeps doing this, but for some reason she doesn't talk to me anymore. She did when she first started working there. She doesn't look away when I look back and always has a faint smile when she does. Or maybe it's a smirk because she thinks i'm an idiot, and most likely gay...
The issue i'm writing this entire rant for is this: stuff like walking away from the check-in desk, then hearing her whisper to a female co-worker, and then making out things like "he's such a fag" or "I bet he's gay" etc. This happens with just about every girl btw. I always pick up the words "gay" "fag" "homo" etc. I fear that people are gossiping about me or something, and that now every girl thinks i'm gay, and that maybe this is a product of my Highschool time.
The problem is that I can't seem to get a good grip as to whether she actually says these things or that because of my fear + OCD I hear what I expect to hear. My therapist said he thinks this is the case; because my HOCD developed out of not feeling like a "good heterosexual man".
This in turn, triggered Schizo/paranoid OCD, fearing I was hallucinating, but that appearantly requires the sufferer to be 100% convinced of something.
In short: Can anyone relate with the whole "I think people gossip about me and talk negatively behind my back" thing?
Thank you for taking the time to read this rant and I look forward to replies.
