pilgrim
New member
Hello to all,
First of all, I was surprised to see a forum about delicate matters.
I need help, this is sure. I have some problems, that I do not know how to name them.
People, I would be grateful for any help, information, recommendation, sharing from experience, etc. I cannot more, my daily life is a hell.
From where to begin? I shall try to share as much I can at this late hour.
When I was in highschool, my younger brother needed to take an exam and he was not in a satisfactory manner prepared. Well...I was very tensed and began to roll dice. If I get an even sum, then he will take the exam. Dice are dice, right? Many times I got odd, many times even. Even when I got even, I was not satisfied, not the perfect even. A perfect even is when I get 6 times in row the even sum, etc....
A madness?
Later, after a few years, when I was 19 years old, the guys from army tried to draft me and send me to the army, which I detest with all my soul. I do not live in an advanced country with a modern army, but somewhere at the periphery of Europe, a a former communist country, with a nasty system.
I began to avoid them, papers, calls, etc. But I began to FEAR a lot. In army there is a command: full to left. I refused to rotate my body to the left, but began to rotate full to the right!
Example: when I open a bottle of Coke, I open full to the left, right? Even now, after 15 years, I open a bottle, but then, I close full to the right very very tight. Always the full to right must be stronger than that full to the left.
Then, I arrange a pen. I look to it. Not ok, what would happen? Fear...I must arrange it properly, otherwise something wrong can happen. Either I may have an accident, or one of my parents can pass, or my brother lose his job, or anything!
This daily tension tires me so much, my life is hard to endure. Plus that I am very depressed, often I visualize in my consciousness the awareness that I will die, what will happen, etc.
Then...I go to the kitchen to drink some water. If it is evening, normally, I turn on the light. Then I remember a problem, my family, my friends, etc. I must be sure that all will be fine, so that I turn off the light quick, then I turn on again. Repeated...
Then I touch with my hand my desk, repeated, the routines must be perfect, matching my innermost. Otherwise it can be a problem with someone or nothing good can happen etc.
I could write a book, my life is a chaos in myself.
How to say, I have a tension in me, always. I do not know what to do, kind people.
I have 300 lbs, instead of a normal 170 lbs, I have all these routines which madden me, I am depressed. Some days are good, sunny, then come the dark days, is a cycle.
I always thought would be a shame to go to a psy doctor. I want to enjoy my life, I want to live.
What to do, what to do? It is sure I will go soon to a psy doc, but besided this, what to do?
I have no experience in a wise approach to these kinds of problems.
Ok, perhaps some soul will write and share.
I thank you much.
a pilgrim
First of all, I was surprised to see a forum about delicate matters.
I need help, this is sure. I have some problems, that I do not know how to name them.
People, I would be grateful for any help, information, recommendation, sharing from experience, etc. I cannot more, my daily life is a hell.
From where to begin? I shall try to share as much I can at this late hour.
When I was in highschool, my younger brother needed to take an exam and he was not in a satisfactory manner prepared. Well...I was very tensed and began to roll dice. If I get an even sum, then he will take the exam. Dice are dice, right? Many times I got odd, many times even. Even when I got even, I was not satisfied, not the perfect even. A perfect even is when I get 6 times in row the even sum, etc....
A madness?
Later, after a few years, when I was 19 years old, the guys from army tried to draft me and send me to the army, which I detest with all my soul. I do not live in an advanced country with a modern army, but somewhere at the periphery of Europe, a a former communist country, with a nasty system.
I began to avoid them, papers, calls, etc. But I began to FEAR a lot. In army there is a command: full to left. I refused to rotate my body to the left, but began to rotate full to the right!
Example: when I open a bottle of Coke, I open full to the left, right? Even now, after 15 years, I open a bottle, but then, I close full to the right very very tight. Always the full to right must be stronger than that full to the left.
Then, I arrange a pen. I look to it. Not ok, what would happen? Fear...I must arrange it properly, otherwise something wrong can happen. Either I may have an accident, or one of my parents can pass, or my brother lose his job, or anything!
This daily tension tires me so much, my life is hard to endure. Plus that I am very depressed, often I visualize in my consciousness the awareness that I will die, what will happen, etc.
Then...I go to the kitchen to drink some water. If it is evening, normally, I turn on the light. Then I remember a problem, my family, my friends, etc. I must be sure that all will be fine, so that I turn off the light quick, then I turn on again. Repeated...
Then I touch with my hand my desk, repeated, the routines must be perfect, matching my innermost. Otherwise it can be a problem with someone or nothing good can happen etc.
I could write a book, my life is a chaos in myself.
How to say, I have a tension in me, always. I do not know what to do, kind people.
I have 300 lbs, instead of a normal 170 lbs, I have all these routines which madden me, I am depressed. Some days are good, sunny, then come the dark days, is a cycle.
I always thought would be a shame to go to a psy doctor. I want to enjoy my life, I want to live.
What to do, what to do? It is sure I will go soon to a psy doc, but besided this, what to do?
I have no experience in a wise approach to these kinds of problems.
Ok, perhaps some soul will write and share.
I thank you much.
a pilgrim
