Trouble figuring this out

[AB]

Hi,
The question of me having OCD has been really bothering me lately. I became really depressed and suffered from severe anxiety about 2 years ago when I was going through a really stressful time in my life. My doctor put me on Effexor and I began seeing a coucellor. Both really seemed to help me, especially the coucelling. During my last session (over a year ago) I recalled some thoughts I had when I was younger that seemed to make my coucellor perk up, but unfortanetly, I never got a chance to elaborate or talk to her again about it. Over the past year, I have been doing some research and connecting my past and present experiences together. I was hoping I could share some of this and that someone could give me an opinion.

It all started when I was 7 years old (I'm in my early 20's now). One day I suddenly got this intrusive thought in my head, almost like someone else had barged right into my mind and started making wicked accusations. This 'voice' would tell me over and over again that I did not love my family or God and I was a terrible person for it. I remember this upsetting me very much and the thought would not go away...it was haunting and followed me wherever I went. To try and rid myself of the thought I would repeat over and over again to myself in my head the following phrase, "I love God and Jesus and everyone very very very much." I would repeat this to myself for hours. I was very secretive of it, because I did not want my family to know. This process lasted for about a year, with some days being worse than others. Then it just went away and I was freed.
About a year later, I again had another severe anxiety. This wasn't in the form of a voice, but more an anxious thought. I became obessed with getting sick and dying. Whenever I would see someone with a disease on tv or real life, I was convinced I either had it or was going to get it. I became paranoid of illness and every slight 'symptom' of something I might feel or thought I felt, in my mind meant I was going to die. I too tried to hide this from my family, but it was hard, and a couple of times I was visably upset about getting sick or touching something with germs, but my parents (like most parents would) discounted it as a phase I was going through.
This would be the last time I would have these intrusive thoughts until I started university. Now, over the past 5 years they have started to haunt me...mostly during times of stress or change in my life. They have come in varying degrees and have lasted for varying periods of time. These thoughts have included hurting loved ones, spontaneously kissing others (even complete strangers), hurting myself, and fear that someone or something else was going to hurt or kill my husband or someone in my family. These thoughts seemed to be less when I was on Effexor, and now that I have stopped taking it, some have returned.
Recently, I have had this terrible haunting image of me stabbing my husband to death while he sleeps. I have this terrible thought that I will do this in my sleep and have no control over it. I lie awake at night worried that this will come true. When I'm really upset over one of these thoughts, the thought in my head will switch to images of me banging my head so hard into the wall that I crush my skull, and so as you can see it never ends!
If this is OCD, I find it weird that at one period of my life I had a compulsion to try and rid myself of the obsessions and at other periods I have not. Is this normal? I just really want to know what is going on and what to do about it, because deep down I know that I have a wonderful life...I just want stop all of this and live it!
If anyone else has had an experience similar to this, please let me know and what you have done about it!
Thanks and God Bless.

 

[DoodleDudette]

Well, I'd be glad to help if I could...but you asked if anybody has had a similar experience.

Ok...erm...lol, so here you go..:
I remember when I was a kid, around 3 or 4 years old or something. I was sitting on my mum's lap and my dad said "And then you die" and started laughing. I got really scared. I didn't know that everybody in the world dies at some point. My mum told me that not everyone died and that only people who get ill die...so I thought, if I don't get i'll I will never die. I still have a chance.

I never thought about death at all until I was around 8 years old or something. My mum read me a magazine article about how a little boy's mother had cancer and died right there in the house with him and how the boy kept the body in the house for 11 months.

That just freaked me out a lot because I was too young to understand DEATH...

Ever since that day I've been obsessed with death yet nobody understands me. Every night before I go to sleep I can't stop having falsh backs to my childhood or flashes into the future...or...I don't even undersatnd myself.

I think you now see that was a pointless reply, but oh well... I tried.

 

[Alexp]

Hi AB,

Have you had any panic attacks in your lifetime?

I can relate to alot of what you are saying, not really personally, but through a very close friend of mine.

How would you feel today if you told your parents that you hate them? would that be just unthinkable in your mind? Would you feel so incredibly guilty and responsible?

Sickness and death are so interlinked with panic attacks and OCD because they are something we perceive that we cannot control or change. That lack of control of not being able to predict, change or alter can really affect some people.

Much of my friends problems arise in the idea that she has unalterable perceptions (not necessarily OCD though). Some perceptions are so ingrained and unchangable, that natural thoughts of the contrary can sometimes wreck havok in her mind and her life.

Some of her problems arise from being overly sensitive and being raised by more of a controlling / strict overly-religious parents.

Try not to lose hope though, there is alot of help out there.

 

[thequietone]

Hey, AB, I just wanted to say that I can relate. It sounds like OCD to me, as I was diagnosed with that first, although you didn't mention any compulsions, you definately have the "O".

Many of my obsessive thoughts are similar, such as sickness, dying, not loving God, hurting myself, doing random things, like you said, kissing someone, or hurting someone you love. This is typical of OCD people.
I just want to stress that everyone has weird thoughts. The difference between "us" and "them" is that we attach significance to these weird thoughts, where as someone without OCD would let the thought go without it even registering completely. They would not be bothered by it, where as "we" (I'm using quotes because we're all people here) have delicate consciouses and we feel guilt for that nasty thought to have ever been in our heads in the first place.
In my experience, the best way to stop these thoughts is to practice ignoring them. Don't repeat the same pattern. Don't freak out when that thought comes back because then you're giving it power over you. Say in your head, "there's that thought again" and immediately distract yourself.

Anyway, that's helped me, although I'm certainly not cured.
Good luck.

 

[Spiralz]

I'm new to this forum, but I'm not new to OCD, and what you've described depicts the illness quite well. Obsessions in regards to religion are referred to as Scrupulosity, and are quite common among religious OCD sufferers. The obsessions about dying, disease, and harm are very commonly experienced by OCD sufferers as well. You are not alone I have very similar obsessions. Currently to manage my symptoms, I take medicaton, and use the knowledge I've gained from reading about the illness to get the upperhand. One book that I highly recommend is "Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" by Jonathan Grayson Ph.D .This book covers everything quite well, and he helps you develop your own recovery plan. Keep pushin' you'll beat this!

 

[carebear]

i can totally relate. i have the problem of being overly sympathtic. when i see someone on tv who has suffered some loss, i begin to put myself in their shoes to the point where i start thinking/acting like i am them (sometimes its in order to make myself understand their own pain). in the process, I lose myself and begin to feel the extreme sadness of the other person. i have no idea why i keep doing this but i catch myself once in a blue moon.