Twenty-something AvPD

[dottie]

This is it. I definitely am AvPD.

A little about me... I'm in my late twenties and suffer from AvPD. Yes I would call it suffering because, since I cannot be myself around people, I think so many people have the wrong perception of me. And that is sad. I often feel dismissed as lazy, incompetent, stupid, slow (even though I've been a straight A college student)... No one says these things to me but I can sense that is their perception of me. I get it so much that I am completely insecure about who I am.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I so desperately need everyone to like me? I'm 20-something I shouldn't give a shit what people think of me. It should be the last thing on my mind, yet it is the first. It is an obsession.

Am I a functioning autistic?

Am I an mildly retarded?

I seriously began to question weather or not I am mildly retarded or autistic. I know I'm not but... socially I feel like I am. And, in this society, even though I am so obviously socially inept it is still unacceptable to talk about. Especially when you are an adult. It is OK to be that way as a child, especially as a female. Females are "supposed to be shy" in this patriarchal society anyways, right? Well, I am no longer a child and it is beyond charming shyness. It is debilitating.

So how does this AvPD manifest itself? First and foremost is eye contact. Eye contact is repelling to me like trying to put two like-polar magnets together, it almost feels painful as though the person can see right into the pit of my soul and read my every thought and feeling. 99% of the time people take my fear of eye contact the wrong way. To them it means I am dishonest, incompetent, weird, awkward, uneasy, psycho, etc. So, I am afraid of people, they get a bad perception of me when I cannot make eye contact, and it makes the situation even more awkward.

At the same time that I cannot make eye contact my eyes are always peeled. They are like constant receptors scanning the vicinity to notice if anyone in the room is recognizing my presence. Then if I notice out of the corner of my eye that someone is noticing me my eyes trip. OMG. Wait, is someone looking at me? Are they talking about me? My heart skips a beat. Of course I do not look at them, my eyes do not want to meet theirs by any means. I take a breath to stabilize myself in that awkward moment and pretend I don't care even though my heart has begun to race. Why am I so paranoid and weird? This is not normal. But this is how I am in social environments.

I have a hard time holding a job for more than a few months. I get to the point where I just can't take the pressure anymore and give up... I can't take the awkward, fake work-environment relationships with coworkers, hoping that they like me, avoiding eye contact, trying to make the right eye contact, the stress that they are talking about me behind my back, watching me, judging me. It takes so much energy out of me. I can feel the weight on my shoulders, literally. So I give up. Then I'm unemployed for awhile (making up stupid excuses to friends and family because "being afraid of people" just doesn't fly)... then I try finding a job again out of necessity... rinse repeat.

The place that this affects me more than anywhere in life is in the work environment. I can go to my college classes, participate when I must, and be fine. Why? Because I don't have to maintain relationships or communicate with anyone at school. After all of these years being AvPD I have learned enough coping skills to appear normal. I've learned how to divert my attention so that I don't have panic attacks. I just do my own work, keep to myself, and still succeed. I do find PE to be stressful because I feel like people are looking at me, but I have to take this class and since I'm not forced to talk to anyone it's just tolerable. As long as I don't have to talk to anyone or engage in some semblence of a relationship I can get by. I appear relatively normal, like everyone else. But as soon as I have to speak and communicate- it's all over. That is when the other person/party knows that I'm different. I'm afraid.

Although I'm different I know people initially want to like me, they want to include me but then I fail. Usually what happens is people will joke around with me or try to make conversation but I don't know how to react. In fact, I have nothing to say back, no retort, words just fail me. That is very offputting to people, I totally understand. Usually I just panic and force myself to sound (totally fake) jocular in response and say the first stupid thing that comes out of my mouth without thinking. Then I just come across as awkward, cheesy, fake, insincere... and still weird. My responses usually aren't witty or sometimes even relevant. It leaves people wondering about me.

Since I am forced to work (if I had the choice I wouldn't duh), I am in a state of constant heightened anxiety when I am in the workplace until I step into my car to leave the premises. Then I am safe away from people. I can relax, be myself again. But when I am in the work environment people are around me, reading me, judging me- constantly. I feel like I'm in a state of nonstop arousal to TRY TRY TRY to adapt and come across as "normal"... for survival. It is so stressful... I feel like no one else in this world understands. I am not lazy. I don't mind work itself. What kills me is the social interaction. That absolutely drains me. I get drained just thinking about it. And I dread work. Not the work itself but the social part of it.

You want to hear the kicker? I just recently got hired to one of the most social jobs in the world. I am a waitress. Can you believe it? Yeah, it was extremely difficult bringing myself to apply for this job but I had no choice. It is for survival. It is so hard (mentally/emotionally for me) and people are rude and demanding... but I am most affacted by the social interaction with my co-workers. That is where I get most phobic. Sure customers think I'm strange but I am not as concerned about them because my relationship with them is the length of their dining time, then it's over. I worry about how my coworkers percieve me, what they say behind my back, if they like me, etc. I believe they misconstrue my panic and fear as flakey, weird, mental. Wait. Maybe they aren't misconstruing anything then. My panic and fear is all so humiliating, though. I think that constant humiliation of not being able to hide my fear of people is the true thing that drains me and keeps me avoidant. I loathe myself when I am in social situations. I do not want to be McFly but I can't relax.

I thought this fear and awkwardness would pass after adolescence. It didn't. And now I feel like the biggest wuss. Why am I so afraid of people? It is shameful. This is the only place I can address this. In secrecy.

I cannot afford counseling. How do I progress? Even if I could afford counseling, would it be effective? Wouldn't it just be a temporary band aid to get me through a few months? This feels like such a permanent part of my existance I cannot imagine life any other way.

It is humiliating to think about, to read these words. This is not who I am. This is only in social situations when I am not myself. I am most myself when I am not around people. I guess I want to learn how to be myself around people, not to care what they think. I don't care what they think when I am not around them... I only care what they think when I am near them. Why? How can I stop that panicky feeling when I am in the presence of people? What is it about their presence that makes the difference?

This is long. If anyone read this all the way through, seriously: thanks. Sometimes I feel like no one cares, moreso understands. Any feedback will be appreciated.

 

[DelGreco]

Wow, I probably could've written much of that myself. I actually asked myself some of those questions once, about whether I was somehow mildly retarded or not, which seems silly when you're an above average college kid like I am (can a retard have such a good G.P.A?). But the daily grind of living with this anxiety without real social support or understanding is so demoralizing and humiliating sometimes. Since I happen to mumble a lot I feel about as articulate as mentally challenged person, and when I force myself to say something to break silence it comes out as somehow even more awkward. But what I've decided is that what social phobia does is it takes who you are and puts you in a blender, and what comes out is an awkward mess of mumbling and staring away. The problem is that what everyone else sees is the mess, and since that's all we have to go on as a social identity, it can make you think that that is who you are. But in your heart you realize it's not true. The problem is people don't acknowledge or understand one of the core pieces of who I am, so instead of sympathizing with the anguish of a mental disorder, they think it's because of arrogance or laziness or disinterest. I feel like I'm failing to take advantage of all the social opportunity at college, when it's already quite an achievement that I'm here and able to function at all. Well, I hope that came out O.K. I don't have much experience posting on these types of places.

 

[just-nesh]

Wow dottie, I couldn't have put it better! I can relate to everything you have said - everything. I have also asked myself if I am retarded a number of times and questioned if I am Autistic. If I was a girl I could be you! I feel for you.

 

[dottie]

Thank you so much for responding. Del Greco, when I read your response I was like YES YES YES... that is so what it's like. People don't understand that people have different stimulation thresholds. They just see lazy, incompetent, losery.

When you both replied that you questioned if you may be autistic, it made me feel better like I'm not the only one. On the outside, if you don't talk to me I can seem pretty normal by looks. It's after people talk to me and try to befriend me that they are left wondering. It is embarrassing. I have to fake my way through social-life and it is very obvious. It seems very fake, sugary-patronizing, kiss-ass, and awkward. All the things people understandably hate.

It's the times when I can't even muster anything to say, mental blocks, and not laughing at people's stupid jokes that I really don't find funny until I hear other people laughing and realize that I'm supposed to be laughing, too- those are the times I wonder if I'm autistic or something. A lot of social ques I just don't catch onto unless they're spelled out for me. It makes me very untrusting, hence my hesitancy and fear.

People say take responsibilty for it. I try. I'm working, I'm going to school. Even though I am in these social environments though, I still don't find myself initiating conversation or relationships to other people. I wait until they come to me. Always. Anyways, I know I am trying in some way to take responsibility and not completely fail at life. But I think this all stems from my parents. As a young child I was very sensitive. After my parents got divorced my mom got a new boyfriend who she ended up marrying. Immediately she became mean and cold towards me (I fully believe she hated me) while she gave all her love and affection to this guy who was an asshole to me and my brother. She was viscuous towards me especially me, between my brother and I. She always singled me out and emotionally/mentally/sometimes physically abused me. I was like her whipping boy (girl?) humiliating me and degrading me to take out all her life frustrations. I remember once I was sick as a dog and I just wanted her to give me affection (like any normal kid, duh). No, she couldn't even be kind to me when I was very ill. She screamed at me to shut the fuck up and stay in my bed until she said I could come out, slamming the door on me. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was a sick kid. I just wanted her to hold me. She kept me very sheltered, I wasn't really allowed to talk much to anyone and I had to stay in front of the house if I wanted to play outside. She set me up to be afraid of the world by making an irrationally huge deal out of trivial, mundane things in the real world (such as having to cross a street, go to school, etc). She would always hype everything up to be dangerous, risky, and something to worry about because you could get hurt. She was never optimistic, encouraging, or nurturing. She was never reassuring or warm. At the same time she wasn't this way towards me, she was very affectionate to my brother leaving me wondering what was wrong with me. Yes I was a sensative kid, but I feel like she set me up for this. It is hard for me to forgive and forget when I am now in my late twenties and feeling so incompetent. I feel like damaged goods.

I have been dealing with anxiety since I was a preteen. I didn't even know what anxiety was or what was happening to me. But I had panic attacks at school where the nurse advised my parents to take me to the doctor. They ran blood tests on me and figured it was just panic attacks. First it would happen at school during classes. It was so confusing and scary, I had no idea what was going on. I remember I had a panic attack in front of my mom and she just screamed at me to cut it out and shut up. Then afterward she mocked me and made fun of me. I couldn't help it. I was confused and afraid and she would just humiliate me for it. I ended up going to counseling where I learned what the anxiety attacks were and how to focus and shut them out.

Although I can control attacks, I still experience the extreme anxiety. I've been dealing with this for over half my life and I feel like I am just dismissed as lazy/losery/pathetic when I struggle. It's not ok to be racist, agist, or sexist... but it's ok to judge people who have anxiety/fear issues.

At this point I really don't know what I'm getting at but I just need somewhere to release my thoughts where I'm not going to be criticized or overly judged. It is not OK to talk about these things at school, with coworkers, and my family who especially hates when I bring it up. I can't afford therapy and I feel like I desperately need it in my life right now. I feel like the anxiety is escelating again since I started this new job. I've been through a lot this past year, actually. That's all for now.

 

[Scully1]

I’ve been there also. I’ve had the same thoughts. Here’s my story and my advice, which I hope will somehow help you and others.

You talk about work…oh my God. Work was bad…really bad. I went to University, got good grades and got a great job. Unfortunately, for a few years I worked with a girl (she quit a few months ago – yeah!!!!) . Well, she gossiped so much about me and spread vicious lies, to the point where only 2 or 3 people would acknowledge my presence…there are 50 + people in the office. I went home crying many times because I’m avoidant to begin with and wanted so desperately to be accepted. Now I was facing this situation. It was hell. I was avoidant but wanted to be social. (go figure that out). Just because I had this issue I kept bottled up inside did not give her the right to discriminate. Besides she had no clue. I was fed up and I asked myself, just how much power am I going to give her and the other co-workers. My answer : NONE. I have to get the job done, keep my career and act like a normal human being who respects others, but at the same time does not take abuse. Easier said than done…There were many difficult days. In the end, times changed…the girl found another job, and I’m still there. Get this: Everyone (yes all 50 + employees) now chit chat with me like I’m their new best friend and she’s long forgotten. I’m not going to be crowned “Miss Socialite” any time soon (I still struggle with avoidancy) but I made progress and dug in my heels. I refused to let others have full control over my life. I love my job and would have regretted leaving. I would have been bitter and resentful of people I hardly knew because I would have given them control over my life. It could have ruined my career and a big part of my life. It is true that we are all vulnerable to each other, but we should not take advantage of others or be taken advantage of. We will never be able to please everyone (sometimes not even ourselves) and it is not possible to get along with everyone…that’s a reality we have to accept. But being confident/positive and maintaining control of our lives is key to growing and reaching our goals.

It’s important for you to take back control of your life. Don’t let yourself be victimized by others or by yourself. A big part of our lives depends on our reactions and you need to somehow balance just how much influence and control others have over your life. Nobody should have more control over your life then you. You are the scriptwriter, director and leading star in your own Life Story.

Since you can’t afford therapy, then read as much as you can in books and over the Internet about self improvement.

I did this and maybe it coud work for you : Start a journal. Each time you feel afraid write down the date, the situation you fear, and what you feel will result if the situation occurs. Also, write down some of your goals and how you can achieve them.

Over time, read the entries you made in your journal. I’m sure you’ll notice the results aren't as bad as you feared once you gain more control of your own reactions. It is just a question of time and determination. And tell yourself “so what if others talk about me”. Remember, my coworkers talked about me (even Human Resources and the Vice President told me they heard about it). It doesn’t get much worse than that. I live to tell and it’s made me stronger. My coworkers now respect me because they recognize my will to survive and I'm proud of myself just for trying. Even if things had turned out differently and had not worked out in my favour I would have still felt satisfied for not letting others control my life. We don't always get what we want, but we can sure as hell put in our two cents, 'cause if we don't others will.

When an old or new fear starts to take over your life again, then write it in your journal. Read out loud your notes about what you fear and why. Accept that it is part of you for now. Then symbolically rid yourself of your fear by declaring out loud that you are giving up this fear. Write the fear on a piece of paper and tear it up.

Succumbing to fear will prevent you from reaching your full potential. Once you face your fear, the source of your fear, and the likelihood of it occurring, you will be able to move forward toward your life goals without the obstruction of unnecessary fear.

Best of luck and don't give up.

 

[dottie]

scully you are awesome. i can only imagine the hell you must have went through at work. you are very strong for sticking it out and i find it inspiring. you just kept going no matter what.

it's funny because i wrote the above entry right before leaving for work. i felt SO AFRAID and AVOIDANT. working was the last thing i wanted to do in the world but i forced myself to go, of course, since survival is not an option. well, i just got home and i feel great. i feel satisfied that i got in a hard day's work. my coworkers seem to like me for the most part. even one of my managers commented that he enjoyed working with me! i have to get up in 7.5 hours and do it again but i'm not so afraid/hesitant. some days are worse than others and like they say, "eighty percent of success is just showing up." just keep on keepin on.

thank you for your advice. it is definitely helpful and i will refer back to it.

 

[miguy]

just found out i have avpd

hi dottie,

your tale reads nearly identical to my own life.

at 29, just got the bad news, but in reality i knew something wasn't right all my life.

i grew up not socializing with any of my shoolmates, only very superficially during school and that was a weird and challenging for me. all my life i had a routine of being forced to go to school, and then i will look forward to it ending and going home to play video games and watching tv. in late teens, i got a pt job and that was difficult because i never could relate to co-workers or customers. at 20, i took some junior college classes but that led no where because i didn't learn much - i guess my condition prevent the entire experiences to be positive. so i ended up with associate's in automotive design, and never worked in the field or made any use of that degree. so, my life is pretty sad and tragic, well at least that's how i see it.
i just can't get past the missed opportunities and experiences from my entire life, it's just not fair that i missed out on everything and i feel like my mind never matured or caugh up to my age...i wonder if there is any hope? well, i guess it's possible, but i keep wondering what my life would have been like if i grew up "normal"?

have you tried getting counseling thru your college or any other university? i ask because here in michigan, there are some universities that offer services at no cost to the community, depending on county and location, so i wonder if there is something like that in your area too?


thanks for sharing you story.

 

[miguy]

just found out i have avpd

hi dottie,

your tale reads nearly identical to my own life.

at 29, just got the bad news, but in reality i knew something wasn't right all my life.

i grew up not socializing with any of my shoolmates, only very superficially during school and that was a weird and challenging for me. all my life i had a routine of being forced to go to school, and then i will look forward to it ending and going home to play video games and watching tv. in late teens, i got a pt job and that was difficult because i never could relate to co-workers or customers. at 20, i took some junior college classes but that led no where because i didn't learn much - i guess my condition prevent the entire experiences to be positive. so i ended up with associate's in automotive design, and never worked in the field or made any use of that degree. so, my life is pretty sad and tragic, well at least that's how i see it.
i just can't get past the missed opportunities and experiences from my entire life, it's just not fair that i missed out on everything and i feel like my mind never matured or caugh up to my age...i wonder if there is any hope? well, i guess it's possible, but i keep wondering what my life would have been like if i grew up "normal"?

have you tried getting counseling thru your college or any other university? i ask because here in michigan, there are some universities that offer services at no cost to the community, depending on county and location, so i wonder if there is something like that in your area too?


thanks for sharing you story.

 

[nesh]

When you both replied that you questioned if you may be autistic, it made me feel better like I'm not the only one.

Yesterday my mum suggested I might have Asperger's. It turns out that my Stepdad had been talking about me with some people and... I don't know, maybe I have high functioning asperge's, I don't have any 'special' interests that I obsese about though, apart form music (but not a particular genre or group, I like all music). I couldn't tell you endless facts about the music I'm interested in. It's just a healthy interest like anyone else. Whatever I got it doesn't make any difference, it doesn't make life any easier, doesn't make getting treated easier, it's hard to get diagnosed for anything these days because it's costs too much money to help people (in the UK). I still don't know what future lies ahead if I have either, both seem to be an isolated, lonely and depressing life.

 

[t]

my story

reading dottie's post made me think, wow, there is actually someone out there who battles with similar problems to what i have.

i battled with anxiety since the 2nd year of my college. all my life i was an introvert--quiet--but it never was a dibillitating problem. i didn't feel the least bit self-conscious until 7th grade.

my problem is that i overanlyze people's behaviors and how they react to what i say or do (by nature, i'm a behavior analyst. unfortunately, i believe, this is what causes me to feel that others do the same for me. for instance, i would look at a person, let's say some girl. and i would wonder how can she be so confident. was she born like that, naturally not caring what others think of her. or is she confident because of the environment she grew up in. maybe she has parents who made her feel positive about herself. or maybe her parents were socialites, so she learned how to socialize effectively, from them)

but anyway, as a kid, i had a lot of hobbies to keep me preoccupied. in school i still had social problems, but i didn't think about them all day, as i do now. i'm guessing that is where doing my hobbies helped me. overtime, i stop doing these hobbies(too busy trying to be an honor roll student). as years go by, i started to feel depressed to the point, where i wanted to die.

but i believe there is a way out. this anxiety is like a maze. if there was a point in my life when i didn't have it, than maybe, i can reverse whatever led me to this point. so i will have to keeping bumping around, struggling with it, until i break free.

writing in my journal helps. it helps me to analyze what is going on--what is it that i want out of life?

sometimes i have to be realistic with myself. there was a time when i wished i was the outgoing go-getter type, because those type of people seem to be well-like , and can get any job, becasue they exude confidence. however, i had to come to terms with myself, and say, hey, it's ok to be an introvert. sure you may not have that charming personality, you wish you had at times, but there are still good qualities about you. it's not like your personality is entirely flawed, although many times i felt like that. but thank God, that is a phase i'm getting over.

the truth is, i'm not a people-person. a lot of times i get pissed off, because it seems like the world is full of "people-person" type people. that is another problem that led to my anxiety--the pressure to be like most people i see around me, socialites. i still struggle with problem. but what helped me, was getting back to doing my hobbies. that even helps with my college.

taking classes i enjoy, help distracts me from feeling depressed about my anxiety and avoidant behavior.

now i have to work on getting good jobs. a lot of times, i go for jobs, that i know will not lead to much of a brighter future, but i apply anyway, because doing that job does not require me to go outside my comfort zone (mainly interacting with people). a lot of times, i sell myself short; college has a lot of jobs available, but some i won't apply for it, because, i know you have to deal with the public (information desk, help desk, parking an decal, etc). sometimes i push myself to apply, and sometimes i don't, because i don't want to embarrass myself at another interview--leaving the interviewer wandering what is going on with me and why did i apply when i know that the job entails dealing with the public....

another point, i am not really afraid people per se, but i'm afraid of what they think of me when they see my anxiety out of control. if i didn't have anxiety, feel shaky, etc., i would take more chances--go after more opportunities. it's my anxiety that causes me to feel less than, inferior. cycle that hard to break.

getting rejected, whether a job, or whatever, is a part of life. you get over it, because you know, eventually something will come up. but anxiety is something, that is hard to get over, because you never know how you will react to a anxiety producing situation. you never know how severe it will be, and how people will react when they see you (that is the biggest concern for me, i hope someday to overcome it.

it is so humilating when anxious, and people give this look like "are you ok". worse, next time you see them, they have a puzzled look on face.

makes me feel handicapped.

sometimes i comfort myself and say, a lot of people have illnesses that interfere with there life. you struggle with a mental illness (although i hate to think of myself as a mentally ill person, as if i'm schycho, and belong in a mental institute, although there was a point i really felt like that. my pychologist assured me, that it was not that serious. if i were hullicianting or talking to invisiable forces, than there would be concern there), but at least, this mental illness can be overcome. there are a lot of people who battled with shyness and anxiety, but they learned how to overcome it. i don't know how, i guess through didn't ways. reading self-help books, about overcoming anxiety and phobias, helps.

 

[flake__]

Haven't read the whole of this thread but yeh dottie that's exactly like me too! Is that avoidant then...i just think of it as strong social phobia?

I was scared i was autistic. It's just sooo frustrating when you are in a conversation, everyone else being so quick and witty and our minds are just like..wtf...so yeh i thought maybe i couldn't do conversation cos i was autistic!

But really it's just the fear. Turns our mind blank. It's like that 'fight or flight' mechanism someone posted abt recently...the adrenaline gland grows, then we get massive fear.

I will go out of my way to avoid people. Really out of my way. Getting much worse. I used to have massive motivation to hide it from people, keep up the appearance i was social etc...now that's just gone, i just think what's the point, i don't enjoy them.

And like you dottie i can get away with appearing normal, bcos as long as as i don't have to actually talk/interact with people i can deal with it. So in lectures, on a bus, in a public place etc. Just don't talk to me! Then in my head i just have the desire to 'get away, get away, get away' to the safety of my room. Only then do i feel calm.

I agree counsellors won't solve anything. They can ease the pain if you find a good one. Maybe motivate you to find a solution by making you aware how illogical your fear is. But they can't make the fear go away.

 

[myclevernickname]

some thoughts

Ok so here's yet another person agreeing here. I am female, 27, and your story reminds me a lot of myelf.

How strange to read such a well thought, well written and articulate post and then to read that the writer believed they were retarded! It doesn't make sense, which just proves how much it is just in your own head and not reality. I have also wondered what was wrong with me, despite graduating high school with honours and doing well in university.

While each of us has been in class, or at work, seeming as "normal" as possible, perhaps there were others doing the exact same thing in the same classes as us, or working with us? When you observe quiet people at school have you ever thought, maybe they are just really good at hiding things too?

You know I think a lot of people with AVPD are introverts. Which is not the same thing as being shy, it means you prefer to observe the mind, the world of thoughts, etc. to more superficial topics, and you are tired out by too many people around you. Which means that when you are trying to talk to people at a social event it can feel hard for an introvert to laugh at jokes that seem stupid, etc. because you would rather be talking about something more important to you. The problem is that in this society it is not considered apporpriate to talk about deeper things until you've started off with trivialities, which are difficult for introverts to deal with. Just a thought.. I know I am introverted and sounds likemany of you could be as well. We will never be sparkling socialites if we don't really enjoy superficial chitchat with people we dont' know well and that's ok. There is a place for us in the world, and we can have fulfilling relationships, we will just tend to prefer less friends, but closer ones. I have been envious of great talkers but realised that i am a great talker when I'm with someone I get along with and trust who also enjoys the same topics.
It's such a vicious cycle, you fear seeming "wierd" so you try too hard to figure out how to react like a "normal" person would, making you awkward, which makes you seem or feel "wierd", making it all pointless and just reinforcing your belief that you don't fit in. How to get over that? Not easy but definitely possible. It is true you will find that if you looked at your worries about a social interaction, then do it and look back it is never as bad as you can imagine it will be. You gotta start realising that you're kicking yourself in the foot by "trying" to "act normal". What is "normal" anyways? The most interesting people I know are unlike anybody else, therefore one could say they aren't normal. I don't like everything they say. Nobody will always like everything you say, that's not the goal. In the end they will appreciate hearing true opinions, and will not dwell over a few differences which are inevitable between humans.

As for counselling being too expensive, if you look around you can find them. Many universities have free counselling which does not have to be just about studies but most are trained in dealing with personal issues too. I found free counsellors through other groups as well, though often there is a waiting list.

Good job with approaching work so well, dottie and scully. Keep up the good work!