Lyldelyn
New member
I have had OCD since I was a child. I just turned 35 on Saturday and I have just been diagnosed. I started wondering why recently I would tear up when I saw movies like the "Aviator" or some film where someone was having a compulsion. I would think, that feels like what's going on with me or in my head. I started talking to my male (a wonderful male) about it and he would tell me that my thoughts were not something he was familiar with. Seriously, all this time I thought everyone had similar thoughts as me. I know, it sounds really conceited now that I type it, you know, that everyone in the world would have obsessions and compulsions as I did and would completely understand what was going on with me, even though I didn't know anything was wrong with me until recently.
I never understood how my boyfriend could read for such a long period of time. I finally told him that when I read, I had to re-read things over and over and over and it was so frustrating. He said, 'I would hate having to read too, if that was going on.' I was literally shocked he had never in his life experienced this.
I also told him that when I dreamed, I would many times dream of opening and shutting a door over and over and over for most of the dream and could never make it through the door and I'd wake up almost ready to cry or extremely anxious and that I had trouble sleeping. I was always jealous of how he could fall right to sleep and not wake up continually through the night. He said he hadn't realized that was what was going on with me and was and still is very sympathetic to my issues. However, I do not feel that even though he is supportive, loving and such a wonderful man for me that he quite gets where I'm at mentally sometimes. Therefore, I am searching for places where there are people who can relate to what I'm going through.
Of course, now I have a new fear and I'm curious if others have or do feel this way. I find that I am fearful of what kind of person I will become when and if I am cured or my OCD is resolved, because I have been like this since I was a child. Will I be different than the person I am if I have more confidence and less worry? I know it probably should make me happy to think these things will change, but I am scared that it will change me so much that I will lose my identity or personality, which is what I was protecting in the first place and one of the many reasons I have OCD now.
Because of the strictness of my life and the physical and emotional abuse I faced when I expressed emotions that were contrary to what my parents felt I should be expressing and because my parents were around so much and left me with hardly any choices to make for myself, I created a fantasy world (where I could make my own choices), that I lived in most of the time and still live in sometimes to this day. I am comforted in this world, but I now have a new life with a wonderful family and it seems that I don't need both anymore. But my mind seems to want to hold on. My heart hurts thinking of losing my fantasy world, because it is so real to me and it doesn't seem like a fantasy. It is the place I was most of my life. (I sure hope this makes sense.) I feel that fantasy world I created was a way to help me function like my parents wanted me to without losing my identity and battling the abusive and strict lifestyle.
It's strange, when I talk to my therapist about my family and my family life, it seems really distant and things that I should be emotional about I'm not when I talk about them. However, I become emotional about smells and sounds but can't quite place them with the proper event. Then, when I think about my childhood, it seems happy and enjoyable, but I think that's due to the world I created. Yet when I'm asked how my childhood was, the words 'sad' and 'strict' instinctively come out.
I was very passive as a child and even though I feel like I've come a long way with changes I've made to my life, I am frightened that I will become a person that I don't want to be. I sort of like the person I am most of the time, except for my glitches, but I'm worried that when those glitches are controlled that I will not be me.
Please help if you can.
I never understood how my boyfriend could read for such a long period of time. I finally told him that when I read, I had to re-read things over and over and over and it was so frustrating. He said, 'I would hate having to read too, if that was going on.' I was literally shocked he had never in his life experienced this.
I also told him that when I dreamed, I would many times dream of opening and shutting a door over and over and over for most of the dream and could never make it through the door and I'd wake up almost ready to cry or extremely anxious and that I had trouble sleeping. I was always jealous of how he could fall right to sleep and not wake up continually through the night. He said he hadn't realized that was what was going on with me and was and still is very sympathetic to my issues. However, I do not feel that even though he is supportive, loving and such a wonderful man for me that he quite gets where I'm at mentally sometimes. Therefore, I am searching for places where there are people who can relate to what I'm going through.
Of course, now I have a new fear and I'm curious if others have or do feel this way. I find that I am fearful of what kind of person I will become when and if I am cured or my OCD is resolved, because I have been like this since I was a child. Will I be different than the person I am if I have more confidence and less worry? I know it probably should make me happy to think these things will change, but I am scared that it will change me so much that I will lose my identity or personality, which is what I was protecting in the first place and one of the many reasons I have OCD now.
Because of the strictness of my life and the physical and emotional abuse I faced when I expressed emotions that were contrary to what my parents felt I should be expressing and because my parents were around so much and left me with hardly any choices to make for myself, I created a fantasy world (where I could make my own choices), that I lived in most of the time and still live in sometimes to this day. I am comforted in this world, but I now have a new life with a wonderful family and it seems that I don't need both anymore. But my mind seems to want to hold on. My heart hurts thinking of losing my fantasy world, because it is so real to me and it doesn't seem like a fantasy. It is the place I was most of my life. (I sure hope this makes sense.) I feel that fantasy world I created was a way to help me function like my parents wanted me to without losing my identity and battling the abusive and strict lifestyle.
It's strange, when I talk to my therapist about my family and my family life, it seems really distant and things that I should be emotional about I'm not when I talk about them. However, I become emotional about smells and sounds but can't quite place them with the proper event. Then, when I think about my childhood, it seems happy and enjoyable, but I think that's due to the world I created. Yet when I'm asked how my childhood was, the words 'sad' and 'strict' instinctively come out.
I was very passive as a child and even though I feel like I've come a long way with changes I've made to my life, I am frightened that I will become a person that I don't want to be. I sort of like the person I am most of the time, except for my glitches, but I'm worried that when those glitches are controlled that I will not be me.
Please help if you can.
