roadkilldeadahead

I signed the divorce papers on tuesday. I help back every emotion that came to me at the time. I didn't want him to get any impression of guilt or that he was making a mistake. I didn't want a divorce but unfortunetly have no choice if we can't live together. I need his help to survive (child support). They were pretty basic and exactly what i wanted. He actually said "YES" as i was signing them like he was winning a prize or something at the end. That hurt alot... I should have probably told him that he cannot recind the child support thing but if nesseary i can get emergency custody of our unborn daughter.. Those were the two things that were backwards that i think he thinks he's winning on. He's not... I was stressed out afterwards but kept it together enough that day to get the kids to bed. After which i completely lost it. I couldn't stop crying...all my family called me and i couldn't stop even with them on the phone. My neighbor gave me a hug which helped but made it so worse cause i have never really balled in front of her. I grabbed my bible and it gave me some hope. I read one of my favorite scriptures that i usually read everytime ruben pisses me off ...it's in proverbs. I wish he could have waited until the baby was born because i am an emotional nightmare as it is and then to have to go through this empty feeling on top of that was even worse. I don't think that man realizes that i have it bad too. I don't want him too anyways. It hurts bad enough as it is and letting him know as little as possible about my life keeps the distance between us at a manageble level. I am so tired of wanting him so bad and feeling hurt and confused all the time. Some things are starting to make sense but i can't believe them yet. If i did that would be the end of the denial and barganing stage and the begining of depression. I can't get depressed right now because i don't have time to. I don't want to grieve anymore. I don't to care what he thinks about me anymore. He doesnt deserve that privlidge. Well other than that i'm pretty sure Jen hates me...Rightfully so i guess... Ive been tring to prevent that for so long and to be honest it's not in my best interest to care what she thinks of me either. Its time for me to live my own life without fear remorse or regret..... Well i'll post on monday cuz i have no way of getting a babysitter tomarrow...

roadkilldeadahead

Hey! If you want to work on trust dont look up. Or go to previous pages...I want to trust you. Look ruben..u know i still love you, it's like the song says...i will always love you, no matter what words i say.. but i have a couple major problems with you that will take some time to get over. I love you more than anything in the world and you seem to just want sex or feely goods all the time. I have been there for you everytime since we have split. I miss you so much and know you miss me too.. I see the way you look at me everytime you see me. You try and hold it back quite well. But i see it. Your not over me either....Guess what.... Jen already knows i want you back so if you try and use this against me to blame me it won't work. I tell her the truth always... I do want to talk to you.... I wish i could talk to you for hours sometimes and stop myself from calling you all the time...bad habbit i guess... If i can trust you, then you can trust me ok? And by trust i mean don't get my hopes up if you don't really want ME! just me the real chris.. ttul if your going to write back then write back to roadkilldeadahead@hotmail.com

roadkilldeadahead

Ruben and i were finaly divorced in may 2008. I'm doing great going to school. That baby i kept mentioning is now 9 months old. I have a boyfriend and have had one for 6 months. Were doing great. I look back to the stuff i wrote going through the divorce and i feel the same pain as i did back then. The difference is now i can stop it and ive moved on. I love my life and i'm doing great. I owe alot tof that to this page. Thanks page! well ill keep you updated.

bleach

YOu probably should see a shrink.