Too much stimulation to be social

Hey guys, new here. 25, female, Canadian living in New Zealand.

I would say I enjoy being alone, yet sometimes I feel lonely. I am happiest hanging out with just my partner/boyfriend but he is more social than I am and likes to go out together with others.

I find when we go out I get very anxious. If we are at a bar or a restaurant and sitting at a table having a conversation, if I can hear someone else's conversation then I totally lose concentration on the person who is talking to me. The same goes if new people walk in or walk by the window, I find myself immediately distracted by this (non-important event) and lose concentration on my own conversations. The darkness/ dim lighting in bars also gives me some sort of anxiety for some reason.

I seem to enjoy one on one encounters where I almost feel pressure to talk to a person but as soon as I other person joins us then I find myself left out of the conversation and wondering how others can carry on a conversation so easily. Sometimes I resent them for making me feel left out. But I don't think it's their problem. It must be something I am doing that signals to them that I am uncomfortable.

I often monitor the way people socialize and their body language/eye contact etc. I feel like I can't figure it out. If I am talking to someone I feel weird looking at them straight in the eye too long and find myself talking forward, and not directly at them.

Anyway, I don't know where I'm doing with this. I don't know if I suffer from social anxiety, or just anxiety in general, or low self esteem. Does anyone relate to any of these examples? Anything I can do to work on them?

Cheers guys

Firstly, welcome to the forum. :greeting:

I can't offer much advice. Though, I can definitely relate as far as the loneliness and not being great in group setting. Oh, the whole eye contact thing - yeah, me too. :shyness:

I enjoy one on one encounters as well, but not so much for the having to talk, for me it's more relaxed, and there's less pressure to impress or live up to expectations.

And, don't take this wrong, it's just my impression. It kinda sounds like social anxiety and low self-esteem. Or at least, there are elements of those that probably factor into how you feel in a social setting. D'ye feel self-conscious about yourself while talking to other people. Like constantly overthinking and worrying about what yer sayin'? Just asking because a lotta what you described sounds very much like myself.

The thing can suggest is try positive affirmations for yer self-esteem and confidence issues. And maybe try and focus on the people you with in social setting rather than what else is going on around you. I know, easier said than done, especially if yer in a place that very busy with a lotta people going about.

Anyway, hope this has been helpful in some way. Sorry if my advice seems a bit obvious.
Though, at least, ye know that yer not alone, eh? :thumbup:

Yeah I can relate to it. Being on edge in social situations. It's hard to focus on what I'm meant to be focused on. Instead my focus just jumps around between different conversations, noises, and movement. It's like I'm expecting something terrible to happen.
I've found that chewing gum is helpful. I don't know why it's helpful. The problem is it's not always appropriate to chew gum in certain settings.

I can hold a conversation one on one but as soon as there's another person there I find it hard to say anything. It turns into a conversation between the other people. I could vanish and it wouldn't effect the conversation.

I feel many of the same things you've written about.

One on one conversations I'm ok with (not great at, but ok) but as soon as it's more than that one person, I feel on the outer.

I get distracted by things easily, and often find myself 'monitoring' how things are going.

Funny thing is, I know I struggle in this area. I know I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. But I get told I'm a really good conversationalist, I'm told I'm intelligent.. thoughtful and considerate.

I have no reason to think the person/people that have told me these things to are lying.
One on one, I feel sort of ok.

But I hate group conversations...

I also prefer one-to-one rather than groups and my partner is also a lot more social than me, so I get asked to join social gatherings which I find difficult and exhausting. In fact I wonder if our relationship will survive long term because of it. I have already started to say no to some gatherings with people who I have felt uncomfortable with, so my partner sometimes goes without me.

I think for me it has come about because I was bullied a lot at school and even though that was decades ago I am still always listening out for people around me making comments about me and then I can't focus on the conversation I am supposed to be part of. I probably look very nervous in public settings, eg bars, parties, busy restaurants etc, because I am often looking around me for signs of potential trouble.

Its a real downer, I don't have any solutions, I can only sympathize. :sad:

I can relate with you as well.. I was just like you before. In your case actually, you already took one step in overcoming your SA and that is when you are with your boyfriend, trying to talk one on one and going out with him. later on, you might want to level up and you will just find yourself talking to two people then three and so on. I dunno if this will help but actually this has helped me alot. Also, we need to accept that anxiety is part of everybody's lives only that ours were unique. Now, i am trying to overcome anxiety when talking to highly professional inviduals. Let us just take things gradually, step by step. no matter how long will it take atleast we tried to level up.

I guess having each other sharing common feelings and thoughts ,is one way that will help us feel that we are not alone. This is just my opinion, i hope you'll find it helpful.

I can relate with you as well.. I was just like you before. In your case actually, you already took one step in overcoming your SA and that is when you are with your boyfriend, trying to talk one on one and going out with him. later on, you might want to level up and you will just find yourself talking to two people then three and so on. I dunno if this will help but actually this has helped me alot. Also, we need to accept that anxiety is part of everybody's lives only that ours were unique. Now, i am trying to overcome anxiety when talking to highly professional inviduals. Let us just take things gradually, step by step. no matter how long will it take atleast we tried to level up.

I guess having each other sharing common feelings and thoughts ,is one way that will help us feel that we are not alone. This is just my opinion, i hope you'll find it helpful.