Treebones..Journal

TreeBones

Well-known member
I've decided to start this journal because, of late, I desperately need to vent, and have no one to vent to.(including my family, their not the touchy, feely, sharing type) Plus I feel comfortable knowing the internet is like a curtain I can hide behind so my privacy doesn't feel invaded at all, which is nice.

This morning I worked up the courage to do the one thing I've been avoiding for weeks, which was to call my dad and apologize to him for leaving. And taking his car. (Which is returned by the way) I called him at 4:30, which seems like an inconvenient time but I happen to know he's up and watching shop nbc every morning.

We talked for nearly an hour and all I got from it is that he's still very disappointed. It was important for me to let him know, that I know, I was wrong and very sorry but he just wasn't getting it. I also tried to explain my feelings (which is very hard for me to do, especially with family, I just feel the respect dwindling by the minute) about getting attached to people and being afraid (which is why I left in the first place) and he again, didn't understand. He kind of threw everything back in my face saying things like, you're selfish, no drugs or therapist is going to help you, you have to and that you just need to force yourself to do things you don't want to do, which is what I always do, it's the story of my life. Anyway many more minutes of lecturing later, I said that's all I had to say and he gave a cold goodbye like have a nice life, or at least that's the way I interpreted it. It was all very new to me and I'm still confused.

After that I started feeling so depressed and ashamed I had myself a sob party, the kind where you lock yourself in a dark room in the fetal position with your "crying songs" playing really loud and babbling things to yourself like God's name over and over again for some reason. ( I hope somebody knows what I'm talking about otherwise this would be really embarrassing lol)

...I'm feeling a bit better now, plus my mom's coming home today so that gives me reason to perk up because I don't want to put her in a bad mood. I just hope I learn from this and that I will bounce back soon.
 

IGotSeoul

Well-known member
You'll bounce back I'm sure. It took a good deal of courage to call your father, a step outside of your comfort zone for sure. Keep up the good work and try to stay positive. These types of journals are a wonderful release. I'm glad you're feeling a little better and I hope to see more from you in the future. :)
 

Section_31

Well-known member
It takes a very big person with a lot of strength and courage to do what you did. And you should be proud. I know for one I am. Especially with how difficult things like this are for people like us. YOU did the right thing. His reaction is entirely on him, and you shouldn't let it get to you (easier said than done, I know).

You made a mistake, you made a sincere effort to make it right even though you were scared. That's very admirable and more than a lot of us may have been able to do.

Good for you! *hug*
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
Today was real busy because my mom, brother, and I had a bunch of errands to run. As both of them were in a therapy session I decided to take a walk and soon found a really beautiful park nearby so I stopped there. I was sitting under a tree drinking my Starbucks coffee and watching the wind carry the cherry blossom petals that were falling from other trees. It was really peaceful, and for some reason I started to think of my old best friend Sarah, whom I miss very much.

We were the kind of friends that would goof off in gym class together and if one of us got detention the other would get detention too just so we could eat lunch together.One summer she left for Arizona and told me she had to stay there for a year. We talked everyday on the phone and nothing seemed to change but she ended up coming back a different person, I started to really dislike her so I stopped being friends with her because at the time I thought people didn't mean much to me and that I wouldn't miss anyone. Recently she got my number from my brother and wrote him a long message asking where I have been and that she was worried. We were going to meet up but I avoided that too. When my life becomes more stable I would like to see her again. I feel like I'll never have another friend like her especially because of my SA, and the fact I'm so avoidant.

Keep your friends close, and don't push people away.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ar9aHGuduY
 
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LoyalXenite

Well-known member
One summer she left for Arizona and told me she had to stay there for a year. We talked everyday on the phone and nothing seemed to change but she ended up coming back a different person, I started to really dislike her so I stopped being friends with her because at the time I thought people didn't mean much to me and that I wouldn't miss anyone. Recently she got my number from my brother and wrote him a long message asking where I have been and that she was worried. We were going to meet up but I avoided that too. When my life becomes more stable I would like to see her again. I feel like I'll never have another friend like her especially because of my SA, and the fact I'm so avoidant.

A friend of mine went to Italy for 6 months and while we spoke via phone/online while she was gone and things seemed the same, when she came back we had both changed and sadly our friendship didnt survive it. Sometimes time apart can strengthen a friendship and sometimes it can dissolve it. Try taking things slow with her, if you want to try and be friends, by getting to know each other again you may hopefully rekindle your friendship.
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
A friend of mine went to Italy for 6 months and while we spoke via phone/online while she was gone and things seemed the same, when she came back we had both changed and sadly our friendship didnt survive it. Sometimes time apart can strengthen a friendship and sometimes it can dissolve it. Try taking things slow with her, if you want to try and be friends, by getting to know each other again you may hopefully rekindle your friendship.

I'm very very sorry to hear about you and your friend, and thank you for your advice!
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
This weekend I drove up state to pick up my little sister from my Dad's. I talked to my dad and everything is ok, :) right when I came in he said "hey, Heidi ho" in a kind of cheerful way. We had a serious short talk and then we just chilled and watched mecum cars for a bit. I feel kind of silly now for thinking he wanted to disown me or something.

Now that my mom's been back I thought she would want to enroll me in some kind of school right away but she seems to want to put it off and she says maybe I'll start after the summer but I can't stand to sit around on my butt anymore doing nothing.....even if I'm still really scared of going back to school. So I'll have to figure that out really soon.

Other than that, I just found out that some people will be moving in our house soon (mostly family) my older brother,(on break from uni) younger sister, cousin, and ... If I'm unlucky my moms loser ex.

I really don't like distant family, I don't think of my cousin as a cousin but she seems to think that we are so close. She always baby's me (she's only 3 years older) and wants to do stuff with me when I just want to sit in my room. I don't want to be mean but I don't want her to think that we're family.

As for my mom's ex, he's just a loser. My mom is 52 and he is 23 (I know, ..it's gross) I kid around and say things like "mom if you wanna pick up a guy the playground is always open" (my moms not really a pedophile though...just putting that out there) but I don't think she knows how much it bothers me. He always does things like come in my room and wake me up at 4 in the morning and walking around the house in his tighty whiteys. He tells my mom that when she gets old he's going to date her daughters, and it makes me so mad. I've known him since I was 12, so I really have no problem telling him to bugg off but he still makes me uncomfortable and I don't want him around my little sister.

Soooooo I guess we'll just have to see how things work out. Till something
Happens I'm going to try to stay as positive as possible :)
 
This weekend I drove up state to pick up my little sister from my Dad's. I talked to my dad and everything is ok, :) right when I came in he said "hey, Heidi ho" in a kind of cheerful way. We had a serious short talk and then we just chilled and watched mecum cars for a bit. I feel kind of silly now for thinking he wanted to disown me or something.

Now that my mom's been back I thought she would want to enroll me in some kind of school right away but she seems to want to put it off and she says maybe I'll start after the summer but I can't stand to sit around on my butt anymore doing nothing.....even if I'm still really scared of going back to school. So I'll have to figure that out really soon.

Other than that, I just found out that some people will be moving in our house soon (mostly family) my older brother,(on break from uni) younger sister, cousin, and ... If I'm unlucky my moms loser ex.

I really don't like distant family, I don't think of my cousin as a cousin but she seems to think that we are so close. She always baby's me (she's only 3 years older) and wants to do stuff with me when I just want to sit in my room. I don't want to be mean but I don't want her to think that we're family.

As for my mom's ex, he's just a loser. My mom is 52 and he is 23 (I know, ..it's gross) I kid around and say things like "mom if you wanna pick up a guy the playground is always open" (my moms not really a pedophile though...just putting that out there) but I don't think she knows how much it bothers me. He always does things like come in my room and wake me up at 4 in the morning and walking around the house in his tighty whiteys. He tells my mom that when she gets old he's going to date her daughters, and it makes me so mad. I've known him since I was 12, so I really have no problem telling him to bugg off but he still makes me uncomfortable and I don't want him around my little sister.

Soooooo I guess we'll just have to see how things work out. Till something
Happens I'm going to try to stay as positive as possible :)

23 With a 52 year old ... wtf! Tighty whiteys? Sounds like mom sure can pick em!
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
23 With a 52 year old ... wtf! Tighty whiteys? Sounds like mom sure can pick em!

I know right!! When I was 12, I wanted to puke! That woman has a son older than him. The only good guy she ever picked was my dad of course lol, but she says I'm being judgemental so, I digress.
 
He sounds like a creep coming in your room in his undershorts when everyone else is probably asleep. Watch yourself around him. Sounds like a weirdo. I'm glad things were good with your dad.

P.S. and for the love of God, tell him that only old guys and little boys wear tighty whiteys!
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
He sounds like a creep coming in your room in his undershorts when everyone else is probably asleep. Watch yourself around him. Sounds like a weirdo. I'm glad things were good with your dad.

P.S. and for the love of God, tell him that only old guys and little boys wear tighty whiteys!

:lol: will do, thank you.
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
Tomorrow I'm going to work with my mom's friend and my brother doing lawn work. I'm really really nervous!!!
I don't have a problem with hard work but I'm so afraid I'm going to mess something up I usually do when it comes to new things.
Also the neighborhoods that we'll be working in are really... I dunno...yuppy, and these people usually obsess over their lawns.
My mom lives is a "yuppy" neighborhood and I swear I see people mow their lawn and check their shrubs everyday.
Ah it makes me scared thinking about messing up!
And on top of that I'm probably going to get tan, which I couldn't stand if I did. Haha I know it sounds stupid but pale skin is just an asthetic thing for me. ..god I really hate summer.
So I'm just sitting here watching "The Grimm Adventures of Billy and Mandy" freaking out and hoping I dont make myself look like ditz tomorrow....hopefully I won't.... Hopefully.
 
Tomorrow I'm going to work with my mom's friend and my brother doing lawn work. I'm really really nervous!!!
I don't have a problem with hard work but I'm so afraid I'm going to mess something up I usually do when it comes to new things.
Also the neighborhoods that we'll be working in are really... I dunno...yuppy, and these people usually obsess over their lawns.
My mom lives is a "yuppy" neighborhood and I swear I see people mow their lawn and check their shrubs everyday.
Ah it makes me scared thinking about messing up!
And on top of that I'm probably going to get tan, which I couldn't stand if I did. Haha I know it sounds stupid but pale skin is just an asthetic thing for me. ..god I really hate summer.
So I'm just sitting here watching "The Grimm Adventures of Billy and Mandy" freaking out and hoping I dont make myself look like ditz tomorrow....hopefully I won't.... Hopefully.

I love that show! I'm sure you'll do fine. :thumbup:
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
Remember that everyone started out not knowing what they were doing before they learned how to do it. See what I'm saying?

Yes,.. I just feel that I need to be perfect at everything right away. I'm sure I'm just getting myself all worked up over nothing but I can't help myself lol. thanks
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
Yes,.. I just feel that I need to be perfect at everything right away. I'm sure I'm just getting myself all worked up over nothing but I can't help myself lol. thanks
I hope you do well. JC is right in that you're not expected to be 100% flawless the first time, so don't worry. You'll do fine. :)
 
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