Turning into a horrible person

I think I am becoming a horrible person. Or, maybe I always was one and I'm just now noticing it. Self awareness, yay! I don't want to get into the story of what happened tonight. I think it only bothers me because it made me feel guilty, and that pisses me off.

I am full of anger and bitterness. I am getting older. I basically hide in the house. I have no friends. No significant other. I live with my family. At least I work, but that's not much consolation. I used to think I would do something spectacular with my life. I'm basically over that dreamer thinking.

I do and think not nice things about people, especially my family. I know it's partly a consequence of close proximity, but it's also because I just hate the useless idiots. I'm not very pleasant to others most of the time either. I'm just a crappy person.

I'm am also

Aye, me anaw. Though, ah dinnae really like that ah turned intae an awful person.

you really should put in some extra effort to finding a place to hang out where you feel like you BELONG. Sometimes its hard not to feel like everybody dislikes you when you've grown up in a family where you've ALWAYS been the black sheep. ...but the way your family views you isnt nessesarily the same way everyone ELSE will view you, even though it might be hard to convince yourself of that. my immediate family basically thinks im obnoxious and they would rather NOT hang out with me but they dont want tp admit that (because that would make them look like ****s and they cant have that because they want to keep up appearances) so instead they find ANY reason to judge me and say bad stuff about me simply so they can say "THIS is why I dont hang out with him much" and not have to feel bad about it...if my brother or sister doesnt want to hang out with me, no one cares...but if I dont go out of my way to try and socialize with them my mom is likely to guilt trip me over it..iv basically come to terms with the fact that I will ALWAYS be the black sheep of my family and that I will always have minimal involvement in my brother and sister's lives because that pretty much how they want things to be. they want to hang out JUST enough to say that they are "good" siblings

basically, I dont look for acceptance within my family because I know i'll NEVER find it. im not saying they're bad people or anything but they dont really like me very much and I dont think they ever have. THEY think im obnoxious but iv met OTHER people who think im funny and interesting to talk to (because I AM). people that actually SEE my worth and LIKE my personality. There are people out there who will like you for who you are but you just have to put in MORE EFFORT in order to find them. Thats half the battle.

...and try not to be a ****(if thats what you're doing).

For what it's worth, outside of your opinion of yourself (and unless you start trying to poison your family) it doesn't make a lick of difference. All people are going to get nasty now and then in the course of a long life, and simply catching yourself in the habit of doing or saying things that don't express what you really want to be like puts you above the self-awareness of most.

Doesn't make a difference as far as life, success, and friends or relationships go, either. The corporate world is full of successful sociopaths, and many people who don't admit to their problems are happily married and beloved in their circles. I know the popular opinion that gets crammed down everyone's throat in "help circles" is that you have to be a good person to get good things, but that's a known and studied flaw in human thinking called the just-world fallacy. I might help even my incompetent lab partners when I would do better on my own, but I still go home alone every night and have for years.

You're no worse than anyone else out there, and anyone telling you otherwise is just projecting their desire for a just world onto an easy target. There's a convicted murderer around here (double-checked the articles on his release, even) who's doing better than some people who aren't murderers. Plenty of people who didn't kill someone don't know where their next meal is coming from, but he does. That's just life.

Environment affects us, and what people don't want to admit is that means everything. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, our physical, mental, and emotional states affect each other. You put yourself somewhere unpleasant, and it can seep into your mind.

I was acting like a horrible person prior to reading The Power Of Now by Tolle.

^I agree with much of this. I know of people around HERE who seem to be complete biggots and yet they have friends and are moderately successful with women. I think having a niche actually helps out alot when it comes to socializing. just being around people who all look and sound similar to you, have things in common with you, ect....also you might be suprised at how much a$s kissing can work out in your favor in alot of social situations. a lot of the time (but not always) if you kiss someone's *** then they'll be more inclined to kiss YOUR a$s...unless they're a complete douche but then they arent worth the time or effort anyway..spending too much time around those kinds of people can indeed pervade your psyche after a while..

anyway, I think by helping other people try to find answers in their life you can sometimes find answers to your OWN life questions....sometimes you can just figure out your own problems by analyzing someone elses's....sometimes I wish Tony Robbins would hang out with me for just an afternoon....maybe he could give me a piggyback ride around town while giving me life advice and walking me through difficult scenarios....there should be a sweepstakes like that where you can enter to win an afternoon with Tony Robbins.

jk about that last part.

I definitely think I am, or am seen as, a horrible a person. I have completely lost all sense of empathy for other people. I'm in an environmental science class and all the bs about saving the planet for future generations is very annoying to me, good thing I can't physically roll my eyes cause the teacher would probably get pretty annoyed.

I guess that's what I feel worse about, Metal. I feel things, I do care about people, but for the most part, I couldn't care less about folks. About my own family. About myself.

I had a dream last night where I was calling this fellow, I don't even know who he was. I know he was a priest though. I was mildly scared, anxious. Like I get when I'm having to go to an interview. Basically, to make this ridiculous story short, I was telling him I was possessed, demonically, and then he showed up... and we went out and got drunk. Yeah. I haven't drank for almost 2 years. Anyone want to analyze that one?

I don't want to hurt my family. I don't want to hurt or poison anyone. I hate that I have a temper and that I can be mean. I feel horribly guilty about the things I say and do. I just want to disappear from this life. Not suicide. I mean, go somewhere no one knows me and be part of the wood work. If that makes sense. I hear myself whining and carrying on about this and that almost all the flipping time, and then I think, if the universal law of attraction is real no wonder things suck. Because I suck. I just want to find a hole in the floor and fall in it, and go suck quietly by myself.

I have a bad temper too. Tbh I think thats just a side effect to being unhappy with life.

I think that when someone questiones about if (s)he is nice or a bad person, (s)he isn't indeed a bad person. (S)he wants to improve these little meanesses that imply being a human.

Man bad temper..I've calmed down but I have to admit I have become jaded.I'm pessimistic because I have nothing but negative in my life. I've never had things go my way or have been able to make things go my way.. It's a messed up cycle. I'm unhappy because I have been unable to change who I am. I don't know how to be anyone else but myself.

Doesn't make any sense to me..

i hate the idea of recycling hate but its hard not to when someone treats you bad. its hard to not project it and instead just find a way to catharsize all that negativity...like a conduit to channel all the negative thoughts through.

Unfortunately, I'm the same way. Also, I'd have to say I'm worse because I'm a mother and a mother with a crappy "job".