Ugh: The Novel

I don't even know where to start with this. It would probably be impossible for my life to be any less eventful than it is, and yet I have so many 'issues' going on (emotionally/psychologically/physically/etc.) that I really don't know how to even begin this introduction. So I'll just jump into it without thinking too much and apologies in advance because I'm sure it's going to be an overlong rambling jumbled mess.

I haven't had a single friend in about eight years, very little interaction with anyone outside of doctors and family, and virtually no face-to-face contact with people in my age group.

I'm supposed to be a 26-year-old (soon to be 27-year-old) woman. Which is absurd; I'm not a woman at all, I am a child. I live with my parents and have done so my entire life. I can't even do basic things for myself like calling the bank or making doctors appointments because I have ridiculous anxiety about talking on the phone and avoid it like the plague, to the point where my mother will call places for me and pretend to be me (!). Really that's a level of pathetic that warrants removing myself from the gene pool for the greater good, but I'm too much of a coward to even do that.

I had always assumed that maturing and accruing meaningful life experiences were things that just kind of happened automatically as a result of getting older/the passage of time. And I was in for a very rude awakening. The only real development I've made in the past eight years has been gradually unlearning most of the social skills I had developed over the course of my whole life up to that point. I genuinely have absolutely no idea how to have anything even vaguely approximating a spontaneous conversation with another human being anymore (excluding people in my immediate family). I am further from being an adult now than I was when I was 16.

However, there was actually one period, between like 2012-late 2013 when things seemed to finally be getting better. I got my drivers license. I got my first and only job ever (at my mom's workplace, and it was 100% due to nepotism rather than anything desirable about me, but still). I decided to enroll in community college, albeit in an online class because I wasn't quite ready to be around people in that context. And about halfway through the quarter, my hair suddenly started falling out like crazy. Turns out I have alopecia, which means I am gradually (or not so gradually) going bald. And with that, the modest progress I had made, and the fragile bit of self-confidence I had begun developing, went completely up in flames. Incidentally, I have been working at the previously-mentioned job for over two years now, and have never had an actual, spontaneous, mutual conversation with a single person there - not once. To the point that people have just generally stopped saying much of anything to me, because I come across as being so aloof.

Anyway... Just to give some medical background, I had separation anxiety and sensory integration problems as a small child, but I was also outgoing at that time and always had tons of friends. Then, due to (or at least triggered by) some stuff that happened, I developed major depression around age 9, which I have had pretty consistently since. I have had a lot of different diagnoses throughout the years: generalized anxiety disorder, ADD, social phobia, major depression, bipolar II, avoidant personality disorder. At this point, official diagnoses don't even seem relevant to me anymore. Oh, and to add one more absurd predicament to this long list, I am gay and 'not out'.

I'll just end this pathetic self-pitying novel of a post by saying that the most painful aspect of all of this for me at the present time isn't (directly) the depression, or the horrible social phobia, or the alopecia. It's the loneliness. That is what's absolutely killing me. I need human interaction, to be with other people; I can't keep living like this. But in the absence of any sort of support system, or even just one single friend, I see absolutely no possibility for me to ever meet and connect with anyone. I can't see any way out of this. Which is why I made this account, just desperately hoping someone might have some kind of advice that could help...

God that was an insanely long post!

Also, I have browsed this forum a tiny bit and some of the responses I've seen from some people are a little discouraging. I pretty much put it all out there in my post; there is no shortage of weaknesses to pounce on. But as you can see, I do an excellent job beating myself up over my situation and my failings as it is. I don't need any help with that. So, just know in advance, any sort of "advice" along the lines of "grow a thicker skin" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or whatever is not going to be helpful.

Yes, you are right - there is unnecessary discouragement sometimes. Have you tried CBT? Perhaps a doctor may be able to help.

Yeah. I've been at this since I was 9, so I've tried most stuff that is out there (cbt, dbt, art therapy, even "woo" stuff like emdr and hypnosis, which I agreed to try out of desperation despite being a major skeptic--skepticism which the experience only confirmed). I still go to some 'Jungian' therapist whose therapy doesn't help me at all but I figure at least it forces me to talk to someone so I go just for that. My experience of therapy in general is that it's useless for me, but I think that's more down to me than the therapy (I just can't really open up to people, particularly in that context).

Where I'm kind of at right now is this: I've struggled with benzodiazepine addiction stuff throughout my teens so have kind of had that avenue marked 'off limits' in my mind, but in the past few weeks, I've begun feeling like I'm kinda at a point where I can't see any other way out and benzo dependence isn't such an unreasonable price to pay if it's the difference between being willing to put myself out there and potentially have an actual life and human relationships versus spending the rest of my life alone wishing I were dead BUT AT LEAST I'D BE DRUG FREE AND WHATS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT

Last time I got a prescription for benzos was about a decade ago though, and I've read that doctors have gotten a lot more conservative about prescribing them, so idk if that's going to be as easy of an option as I'd hope.

i feel uncomfortable when people call me innocent and child like as it puts a gap between me and others. i dont fit in with the adults nor children. it's painful to live as an adult if i'm not ready yet and there are insensitive people in the world.

someghost said:

Also, I have browsed this forum a tiny bit and some of the responses I've seen from some people are a little discouraging. I pretty much put it all out there in my post; there is no shortage of weaknesses to pounce on. But as you can see, I do an excellent job beating myself up over my situation and my failings as it is. I don't need any help with that. So, just know in advance, any sort of "advice" along the lines of "grow a thicker skin" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or whatever is not going to be helpful.

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Hello. Your first post was long but still quite readable.

Don't hesitate to report an inappropriate post to myself or another mod, but there's really no avoiding the negativity on forums like this.

I can't offer much in the way of advice except what I always say--fresh air, sunshine, and a lot of exercise. I realize those can be especially hard to get in the winter. Healthy diet helps as well.

I can tell you that you are not at all alone in this. Your story is similar to many here.