Unable to show affection/have physical contact with a woman

Argamemnon

Well-known member
getbornagain said:
All it is is this:

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY. Simple as that. Performance anxiety can refer to sex, presentation, conversation, pretty much anything. And that's what love-shyness is, it is performance anxiety. Fear of rejection and failure, its what fucks us all over. It is curable though.
I agree about performance anxiety, it affects me in every area of my life, but I'm not sure if it's "curable"... I'm 32 and far from cured! lol...
 

Havocan

Well-known member
TooShyShy said:
Is it possible for someone with social anxiety to WANT the attention, affection and sexual contact from a woman they are attracted to but the idea of it is just way to frightening and unreal that he would not even try..its easier to just run and hide from her, rather then ever let her know his true feelings?

You got it right there. A lot of love-shy males feel like that. They desperately yearn for physical and psychological attention/closeness from a girl but then are very scared of actually doing it since they not want to make a fool out of themselves. Sometimes they believe letting her know how they feel will scare her away and that it's therefore not worth the effort.

The solution is actually to just ask them that direct question {if we're talking about a male with SA whom you are attracted to} to prevent him from running away. Explicitly showing your interest by touching him or anything will maybe make him nervous, he also might believe you're just faking it to make a fool out of him {there's a million other reasons too but then I'm stuck here writing them until next month} and so on. Just be careful, but initiate it yourself^^.
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Go read my reply on the love-shy thread...i just addressed all this :D

Its so sad..and so difficult for me. I have never ever been in a situation like this before. I feel for him and his struggle so much and yet want to protect myself all at the same time - does that make sense????

I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel if i approach him he will flip out and get scared and become more avoident. I don't want him to retreat so far into himself!!! I am just scared he will say NO to my face (even though there are a few people at work who say he wouldn't hurt me that way) or screw himself either..bcuz then i would give up and they see he likes me!!!!!!

Ugh!!!! I am just scared bcuz he already KNOWS i like him. I think this is why he is struggling so much bcuz we BOTH feel the same way!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am letting him know subtly in hopes he will DO SOMETHING anything to show me HE WANTS ME TO MAKE A BIGGGGGG MOVE!!!!!!!


I guess what i am saying is i need him to help me out a bit if this can ever happen between us.
 

Dave_McFadden

Well-known member
Re: Unable to show affection/have physical contact with a wo

TooShyShy said:
I always thought mens sexual urges were so powerful that they could break through any barriers wether it be shyness, anxiety, depression, etc. the more i learn the more amazed i am.

I think the last thing a woman wants to see is me coming toward her with a "sexual urge" apparent in my behavior.

When I get "sexual urges" around a woman I think of two things. First, either she's going to see these in me and toy with me, show flirtatious behavior, until I do something like ask for her phone number or whether I can see her again. Then she will feign outrage and say, "how could you think I was interested in you - I can't believe you thought that!" loudly, and humiliate me publicly. But this was her plan all along. Or, I'm going to "try too hard" and in the process just make a complete ass of myself without any help from her. So sexual urges are the last thing I need when I'm around a woman I find attractive.

By the way, to put this in context - like your guy, I am in my late 30's and still think like this. So it doesn't just "go away by itself" as one gets older. And, unlike your guy, I've even had girlfriends in the distant past. As a matter of fact, my "sexual urges" have been unwelcome to them, even after we've had sex!

In my opinion, and case, sexual urges just get in the way. At least, when it comes to meeting women, I don't think she needs to know about mine.
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
I still am having a hard time understanding if you have those feelings toward a woman you see..know..whatever (not just for sex) if you want a romantic reltionship, wouldn't you want to take the steps (even small ones) to try so you can get out of this hell you are living in..i guess i am stillw ondering what is it that paralyzes you and makes you NOT want to try if its something you really want?

I suppose knowing she likes you may make you feel alittle better (or does it????) but i have read that for some men even IF SHE APPROACHES they get so scared and still can't do anything..they completely freeze up and become paralyzed with fear...there are so many different ways to let a girl know, gestures do not have to be big and bold all the time. Believe me i know its scary..and it sucks alot of the time bcuz you feel like your banging your head against the wall and asking whyyyyyy BUT when it happens wouldn't it be so worth it with the right person, who understands to go for it!!! Whats the worst that could happen if she says no - you find another person to focus on and love?
Thats what i tell myself anyway..do you men?

Thats whats still baffling to me still..there is supposed to be someone out there for everyone..at least thats what i have been told all my life but unless you try you will never know how someone feels and if the answer is NO then at least YOU PUT IT OUT THERE and you won't ever look back and wonder "What if i had just..."

I guess at the end of the day it really is what one thinks of themselves deep down (perceives themselves to be to a woman/man) that creates all this..am i right guys?
 

Psilopa

Active member
I still am having a hard time understanding if you have those feelings toward a woman you see..know..whatever (not just for sex) if you want a romantic reltionship, wouldn't you want to take the steps (even small ones) to try so you can get out of this hell you are living in..i guess i am stillw ondering what is it that paralyzes you and makes you NOT want to try if its something you really want?

Of course we want, bit we fear the stress and pain. Taking those steps is *painful* mentally due to anxiety. The potential gain does not feel worth the pain involved.

Would you walk over burning coals just to have the chance to ask someone out - especially if you don't believe the reply will be positive?

Thats whats still baffling to me still..there is supposed to be someone out there for everyone..at least thats what i have been told all my life but unless you try you will never know how someone feels and if the answer is NO then at least YOU PUT IT OUT THERE and you won't ever look back and wonder "What if i had just..."

I do definitely think "What if i had just..." at times. But the actual situation of expressing interest is so overwhelmingly stressful that I have literally thrown up from the anxiety when a women expessed interest and I couldn't reply.

There's also the fact that the anxiety feels very much like a part of oneself. "Just be yourself and you'll find someone" right. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to work for us 'love-shy' males. But what other choice is there. Lying about everything you are? No thanks.
 

rand0m_guy

Well-known member
My own anxiety issues about being close physically with a women are definitely performance anxiety related.

Even though most men are Neantherdal like when it comes to sex, there are still plenty of normal guys that get performance anxiety, especially if they like the girl beyond a physical level. I have a friend who I would consider quite an extrovert, is very confident about life, has slept with quite a lot of women, but he's even admitted to me that he's never been able to have sex with a girl for the first time without drinking alcohol beforehand.

When you add SAD into this mix things become very difficult indeed.
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
These repsonses have been incredible, insightful and have given me a lot to think about so thanks and keep em' coming. I guess there are many more men out there like this than i had thought?!?!

Do meds, therapy or surrogates work..has anyone tried?
 

thor01

Well-known member
I love to be touched. I love hugging. It's just that i don't get the opportunity that often.

Same for me! Although I never get the opportunity, and never have so far. I just want to to give and receive affection more than anything right now. The potential affection I can show is all stored up inside. Its like torture, and makes me feel unwanted and not good enough.:mad: ::(:
 
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TooShyShy

Well-known member
Just curious to how many have tried with a woman..wether it be a one night stand, a long term relationship or friendship, paid services, etc.
 

Rheves

Well-known member
So many times have I known a woman to have the same feelings I have for them, and it just makes me even more nervous. I guess it is performance anxiety. I just have no clue how to go about it. This last night at work I was sitting with some co-workers having a smoke and this chick that I REALLY like and find attractive comes and sits right next to me. I couldn't even look her way. It was like torture, all I wanted to do was look at her, but i couldn't. Story of my life.
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Ok, why is it you find it so hard to even look her way..i get that you are nervous but if she is sitting next to you..making an effort and showing you interest then why is that MORE difficult for you?



Please explain :)


Thanks!
 

nightcrawler

Well-known member
I find that after I've had a conversation with a woman I fancy my mind races with all the funny things I could have said during the conversation! Obviously it's too late by then and I just end up kicking myself ::(:
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Thats just nerves..if she responds positively then you should keep going back, take baby steps if you need to! Even if you don't ask her out immediately..get the exposure you need to get comfortable:D

Everyone analyzes things after speaking to the opposite sex ESPECIALLY if you are attracted to them and want something relationship wise..or else why be nervous in the first place?
 

Sn♂

New member
TooShyShy, you're awesome. I registered to reply to a couple of your threads because I really think there's potential to do good for you, and others on here with the discussions that come up in them.

For the shy guy you're after - of course I don't know how everyone thinks, but this is my two cents at least; I don't have it as bad as many on here, but it has pretty much prevented any romance for decades...

If he tenses up and goes to hide, I'd say let him - he probably needs time to settle his mind and figure out what just happened. Even if he rejects you, take it in stride and watch how he acts - he'd probably be in a world of mental conflict if that happened, and his self esteem would beat itself up. But do keep making small gestures if you want him to warm up - most important is that you still be there for him, though I'm sure it's hard for you as well. Putting myself in his shoes, I'd say if you want to cut your losses and leave, do it early and clearly, but if you don't want to hurt him terribly, try to finish what you start.

As for physical contact - YES, keep it up! I'm just learning now that I ought to actually try this more often with girls I like - even little things like standing close and touching arms, or touching an elbow or shoulder when talking. It's a good gauge of how they feel, and a good way to get closer emotionally as well. In fact, I think the reason touch is so taboo is because we can't help but communicate volumes to each other both ways when it happens. (Phobic guys: My theory is if you're close enough to disclose pretty personal info, you're at least close enough to touch casually.) I'd normally never initiate a touch though because as I was taught, if you so much as breathe the same air as a girl, she could nail you with sexual harassment - if not a lawsuit, then rumors and slander. I know logically that this isn't the case, but I have no sense of where to draw the line, so I stay cautious, to my detriment.

I actually was bullied in school to the point where I thought dating was simply something that only applied to other people, because who would want me? ...but it was when a girl I liked hugged me a couple times that it sort of jolted me to my senses and made me think that first of all, I had to do what it takes to get another hug! (lol) Also, whether or not she was interested in me, that I too could have that kind of relationship, so I'd say it's very important! Ironically, it was around then that I realized if I just waited around for a girl to show interest in me that most likely, I would live in solitude my whole life, and that I was just incredibly lucky to even have such a chance. (Even then, that only happened because we were buddies online for a few years and I made sure to keep in touch! So guys - pay attention - if you do not take at least SOME action, you will probably get nothing in return.)

I think one reason some guys will shy away from touch like that is because they're so used to anything like that being a setup just to tear them down again, so they immediately wonder what's really going on. As a kid, I was naive and trusting and basically wanted to be everyone's friend, so "people" would befriend me only to string me along for a week or two and use what they'd learned to crush me all the harder with it. So if a guy seems freaked out when you show interest in him, he may actually be thrilled on one hand, but his mind could be shouting "it's a trap! This doesn't happen in real life!"

You also seem to be on the ball with the little gifts like cookies too. The girl I like gave me a little random item one time and while I was totally caught off guard and unsure what to think, I did give one back the next chance I had, and we still swap small things from time to time.

If you're pretty sure he likes you, and you're basically friends, when he gets comfortable enough you might try asking him on a not-quite-date? Maybe get a friend or two - say, a couple - and ask him if he wants to come along with you guys to a show or local event for something he likes or something? This I'm not so sure of because I can take personal interactions fairly naturally, I just never initiate, but it's a clear show of interest (of some kind.) I've gone along with those too, but sadly haven't planned one yet myself to ask her back. The problem for me is that I never know if I'm a buddy or potentially more, and I'm afraid if I play my cards wrong, I'll just end up further in the wrong category, and with the pressure of her friends around every time I see her, I end up not making any moves at all, even telling her she looks nice *facepalm*

Also, if someone falls into limerence, they're basically blinded by emotions and even more unable to tell if someone's interested in them, or if that's just their brain trying to trick them into taking action...

Anyway, I hope this ramble helps to understand this anxious mindset a bit better!
 

Richey

Well-known member
I think the problem is that some people are very awkward in their own skin and others are very comfortable in their skin and with their physical self ...

sometimes that can be even more telling then the attitude itself ...

i think what would help is to become as fit as you can and as comforetable with yourself as much as possible before you start thinking about physical relationships. it would take the pressure off of yourself and the nerves.
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
Well, he is still ''trying'' in his own way..i actually caught him driving by my house!!!!

Coming out of my driveway..i was in my car, on a Saturday, on my way to my mothers house and he was driving towards me (towards my house) and i was shocked!!!! And he slowed down..so did i, he saw it was me and then kept driving.

I guess he had to..he had cars behind him and i could just imagine what he was thinking when he realized i was coming out of my driveway at just that moment!!!!!!!


I haven't mentioned a word to him..after it happened he seemed MORTIFIED for days but this week he has since come back around me again...i coninued to say hello and talk to him here and there (work related) just so he knows i am not upset that i ''caught him'' driving down my street.

It shocked me that he did that but at the same time..i was happy:Di just never occured to me that he would do that!!!! He lives in the same town but 15-20 min away!!!!


I do wonder now how many other times he's done that...but i didn't catch him?;p
 

Sinar_Matahari

Well-known member
Is there such thing as the physical contact being to intense..or the man becoming to sensitive to touching? I ask bcuz i had an experience once when touching a guy (my shy guy at work0 on the knee just to get his attention and HE JUMPED A MILE OUT OF HIS SEAT!!!!!!! You would have thought i grabbed somethung else...lol...it really shocked me how red he turned int he face and how high he jumped.
Sounds to me like you may have found one of his erogenous zones by accident.
 
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JamesSmith

Well-known member
I think both sexes can be afraid at first before having intimate contact. Lots of people are afraid to do stuff with their b/f or g/f at first. I was afraid to make the moves on my only g/f I've ever had, but she was practically climbing on me one night so i finally leaned in for the kiss. It's a risk to go for that first kiss, in my head i thought she might slap me cuz it may have been the wrong move, but it went great.

We didn't have sex because she wanted to wait, and apparently i wasn't the right guy for her because she broke up with me after only a month and a half. That's the only g/f i've had, and i'm still a virgin. I think most people that are "love shy" just haven't had a lot of physical contact with another. I'm not love shy, I'm 26 and looking at the big picture, I'm not sure if i ever will find love. In order to find love, you have to have a lot of social experience and meet a decent amount of people. I'm not sure if I'll ever want to do that. Right now, all that work doesn't seem worth it. I don't see the appeal of being in love. I'm not sure if a woman would want to go out with a guy that didn't want to talk to anyone else. That would be rare if it was possible.
 

R3K

Well-known member
when a girl shows interest in me, i'm always thinking: how many other guys is she going after? does she go to clubs and bars and throw herself at all kinds of guys? how many relationships has she been in in the last year? month? how do i stack up against all the other guys she's looking into?

if a girl is out-going, good-looking, and always talks about going to clubs/bars/shows then i automatically wonder if she's not just a flirt, and that she's swimming in all kinds of guys who have a way better chance of succeeding with her than me. then i get into that downward spiral, telling myself that the odds are way stacked against me. that, compared to all the other guys she must have interests in i must be the worst, least appealing thing on the plate. i start comparing myself to all the other guys i see in society walking around with their hot wives and it all just seems completely impossible. i continue with the negativity: even if i did trick her into dating a loser like myself she'd soon see it and bail on me for any of the billion other studs who are way better. then i'd feel like absolute dungpile and wouldn't want to ever try again. and forseeing such crushing failure prevents me from trying to begin with. the mere presence of such powerful competition out there just paralyzes me (if the other aspects of SA don't). subsequently, i don't even get to first base. don't even step up to the plate to begin with--physical contact with a girl?... how?

everything you do or say around him, every gesture and movement, even if it isn't directed at him could be diverting him down a train of thought similar to what i illustrated above. the office environment, presence of other people day in and day out, performance-anxiety--all this compounds on top of it even, and makes it worse. and none of it's your fault. every post of yours i read about your shy-guy situation makes me wonder more and more if it's gonna be a lose-lose situation for the both of you. and i only continue speculating on it because i've been in his shoes before and (i think) i know what he's feeling/thinking.
 
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