what is wrong with me

cowboyup · Nov 26, 2012

I know nobody can actually answer 'what is wrong with me' but perhaps suggestion, IDK. :sad:

I hope I can explain what my internal dialogue is trying to say. Perhaps my way of thinking is because I am so naive to how other people think, feel, what they do in general, etc. and the feelings I feel about people seem so intense that even if I didn't have SA, I think it would be pretty much the same. I NEVER have had an actual relationship with anyone except one...a married co-worker. I am finally in the place to say that it happened, nothing I can do about it now, learned lessons, end of story. Maybe that's a cold way to think about it, I don't know. But what's done is done.

That being said, every time I meet someone or hear others talk, for example, in class, I can't turn off my mind and think things like "they sure know a lot about computers" "how do they know all that" "I sure don't want to start any conversation because I feel so dumb" "did he just look at me" "why did he look at me" "should I take that as a sarcastic remark from that girl"

....just general questions like that, the list could go on, but you get the point.

It seems that I want to immerse myself in to what others like, think, feel, do, etc. But of course realistically I know I AM WHO I AM and I can't exactly change that... I mean to such an extreme. It's not like I stalk people on facebook or anything like that, it's more like i get home from class, and then think to myself, "how do they know about___" "I want to know how to ___" I should take a class and educate myself. Or one of my really big thoughts is that I have noticed when I do get up the moxy to talk to a person (re: convo) I usually end up asking more questions as to their motives, views, and the 'how does that make you feel' kind of thing. I am careful not to reveal much about myself. It ends up more like an interview with me being playing the role of psychotherapist rather than expressing my view on [whatever topic] ... is that insecurity on my part?

I hope you can make sense of what I am trying to say here...Honestly guys, my thought process used to be a lot more clear and straight-forward, but through the years, I got beat down by time (and SA) I guess...

I just don't get why I am this way, is it yet another part of having SA? Is it because I so desperately want to break out of my shell but I don't know or how to or possess the social skills to do so?

I get home and over-think about what I should have said or get this, I have admittedly googled something they've said, whether it be about computers, cameras, something the teacher said in class, you name it...even to the extent if they've used a word or phrase that 'makes them sound smart' but I'm sitting there drooling like a weirdo.

Why can't I just let it go in one ear and out the other....or filter what I need to know and let it go.

I am curious about everything. Even if I overhear someone say, Oh I am reading___ and it is really good. I would feel like I would have to take a mental note, or write it down, go home, google it, just to know what they are reading and if I would be interested.

I know how I sound right now, but the human race perplexes me, and honestly, I am just getting started with being 'part of the world' at 43 because I have been so sheltered my whole life. Could this be part of the reason I feel this way sometimes? My age? Am I too immature and need to mentally grow up?

gummybear22 · Nov 26, 2012

wow your train of thought is interesting. i think about random things most of the time, though they're usually related in some way, but you actually hang on every word you hear, it seems. that must be alOt to handle, no wonder your social skills aren't where you want them to be. all i can say is maybe try thinking of random things so that your brain will get absorbed in that and occasionally pick up what others say instead of your brain being constantly running from one thing someone says to something else someone says. also, try to take brain breaks, like trying to nap before class starts or whatever, just not listening to other junk and keeping your brain's focus level on low.

outofthisworld · Nov 26, 2012

it's funny that you say that you get home and google it because 90% of the times i will do the same thing but to tell you the truth i always thought this was normal, i thought everyone does that lol.

gummybear22 · Nov 26, 2012

i research stuff on google quite frequently, but most of it doesn't come from me hearing something from someone-i just think of random stuff and might want to look more into it

truffleshuffle · Nov 26, 2012

cowboyup said:
.

That being said, every time I meet someone or hear others talk, for example, in class, I can't turn off my mind and think things like "they sure know a lot about computers" "how do they know all that" "I sure don't want to start any conversation because I feel so dumb" "did he just look at me" "why did he look at me" "should I take that as a sarcastic remark from that girl"

....just general questions like that, the list could go on, but you get the point.

I get home and over-think about what I should have said or get this, I have admittedly googled something they've said, whether it be about computers, cameras, something the teacher said in class, you name it...even to the extent if they've used a word or phrase that 'makes them sound smart' but I'm sitting there drooling like a weirdo.

Why can't I just let it go in one ear and out the other....or filter what I need to know and let it go.

I know how I sound right now, but the human race perplexes me, and honestly, I am just getting started with being 'part of the world' at 43 because I have been so sheltered my whole life. Could this be part of the reason I feel this way sometimes? My age? Am I too immature and need to mentally grow up?

I do the exasct same kinda stuff. I hate it I will over think even a look or away someone said hi to me it really drains me sometimes. I also on ocassion will google things to understand what someone said. I don;t know why I do it and I wish I could stop because I always think its part of the reason women don;t want to have anything to do with me because they think im some kind of creep or somthing.

gummybear22 · Nov 26, 2012

truffleshuffle said:
I do the exasct same kinda stuff. I hate it I will over think even a look or away someone said hi to me it really drains me sometimes. I also on ocassion will google things to understand what someone said. I don;t know why I do it and I wish I could stop because I always think its part of the reason women don;t want to have anything to do with me because they think im some kind of creep or somthing.

i'm not trying to put just you in the gunsight here, but all this talk about guys believing that girls don't want anything to do with them is nonsense. it kind of amazes me that they don't think about girls being too shy to talk to the guy or show him attention in any other way.

theslowesthand · Nov 26, 2012

It sounds like an obsessive, over-thinking issue, almost like a type of "mental OCD". For many years i used to carry a pen & notepaper with me everywhere i went, to note down any ideas or events that occurred. I simply HAD to record it, i couldn't just "let it go", whether it was a creative idea, something to look into later, or ranting/analysing about a people event. And later when home, I had to analyse it 100%, until i could go no further. You could call it being curious about everything, but i think that this level of "curiosity" is not normal; it's like our own psychotic/obsessive version of curiosity.

truffleshuffle · Nov 26, 2012

gummybear22 said:
i'm not trying to put just you in the gunsight here, but all this talk about guys believing that girls don't want anything to do with them is nonsense. it kind of amazes me that they don't think about girls being too shy to talk to the guy or show him attention in any other way.

Well Im just pulling from my own exsperinces. I am not saying women in general or anything. Almost every woman I have run into only gave me the time of day when they wanted something from me. The rest of the time they acted like I didn;t exsist. Like I said not saying every woman is like that because I know there not just the ones I have crossed paths with.

cowboyup · Nov 26, 2012

gummybear22 said:
i'm not trying to put just you in the gunsight here, but all this talk about guys believing that girls don't want anything to do with them is nonsense. it kind of amazes me that they don't think about girls being too shy to talk to the guy or show him attention in any other way.

^for me, personally anyway, it's just a general person thing -regardless of male or female. It seems all the same to me

cowboyup · Nov 26, 2012

theslowesthand said:
It sounds like an obsessive, over-thinking issue, almost like a type of "mental OCD". For many years i used to carry a pen & notepaper with me everywhere i went, to note down any ideas or events that occurred. I simply HAD to record it, i couldn't just "let it go", whether it was a creative idea, something to look into later, or ranting/analysing about a people event. And later when home, I had to analyse it 100%, until i could go no further. You could call it being curious about everything, but i think that this level of "curiosity" is not normal; it's like our own psychotic/obsessive version of curiosity.

^hmmm, interesting. I had never thought of it that way. It sounds about right though - I do keep a pen/paper in my car, purse, and I of course have my phone to 'take quick notes' ....
so, did you overcome with therapy? Sorry if personal question...haha, I could google it, I guess.

Mario8 · Nov 27, 2012

Sounds like you may have a mild case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and APD (avoidant personality disorder). Ive... noticed that people often shy away from replying to detailed responses, so ill keep it simple. If you ask me, I think that you allow yourself to get submerged in all of this, because you have nothing better to focus your energy`s on. Simply put, I think that this is happening to you because you have nothing thats really important to you, in your life. I`m not a shrink, but I think this is not real curiosity - this sounds more like boredom, than anything else.

I`m sorry to hear that things didn't go out between you and that married guy. Being single seems to always have a negative effect on people. Especially if they have SA. I don`t think that issues like yours can be "fixed", but I do think that people often go by their priorities. Meaning, I think that what would make you feel better, is to either find yourself a stable boyfriend, or to engage in something you feeling strongly about. Like a hobby, or some common social activity.

laure15 · Nov 27, 2012

I do the same thing too. When someone said something clever or witty, I remember it and when I get home, I incorporate it into my daydream. Yes, I have an "inner psychologist" too. When I watch people interact with each other, my mind has all sorts of "scientific questions" going through it that only a scientist would ask. It's like I'm observing an experiment being played out. When I was in high school, I used to sit in the lunchroom with 3 other people, and they have good social skills. I watched them communicating as a group, and but when I try to chime in, I fail to do so smoothly. So one day I ask them, "I know how to communicate 1 on 1, but how do you communicate as a group with more than 2 people?" I can tell the other people were looking at me like I'm a weirdo. They didn't give me any helpful tips, and I still have the same problem.

JackOfSpades · Nov 27, 2012

I can relate to some of this just recently, and I haven't been feeling exceptionally anxious lately. But this guy was talking about how some people think his dog's name is halibut and everyone laughed, and I started thinking "Uh oh, I don't follow this conversation anymore", and then it morphed into everyone talking about famous people named Aldous and I was thinking "How are all of them this smart? Even that guy? He looks so plain and boring." It made me feel strange but not as much as it could have.

What's helped a lot for me in general is mindfulness and the idea of separating what takes place around me: everything I see, hear, etc. from what I'm feeling. And realizing that the experience I see is a separate happening from the feeling I have about it. It's lessened my perception that people are thinking specific things of me and related intangible assumptions, and as a result, calmed my mind a great deal.

gummybear22 · Nov 27, 2012

JackOfSpades said:
I can relate to some of this just recently, and I haven't been feeling exceptionally anxious lately. But this guy was talking about how some people think his dog's name is halibut and everyone laughed, and I started thinking "Uh oh, I don't follow this conversation anymore", and then it morphed into everyone talking about famous people named Aldous and I was thinking "How are all of them this smart? Even that guy? He looks so plain and boring." It made me feel strange but not as much as it could have.

what was the dog's real name?

Click to expand...

Lea · Nov 27, 2012

Do you mean to say you observe them like animals in ZOO or aliens rather than feeling one of them? I do this all the time. And I also feel dumb sometimes, "how do they know all this", at the same time am curious and research stuff, ask questions, but maybe it´s rather like interview with martians

.

JackOfSpades · Nov 27, 2012

I really wish I could say :lol: But the guy was talking about how everyone gets it wrong, that I felt weird asking him to say it the two or three times I needed. It's like Al- something. Like Albut, Albit... Possibly something completely different lol I don't even know.

JackOfSpades · Nov 27, 2012

Lea said:
Do you mean to say you observe them like animals in ZOO or aliens rather than feeling one of them? I do this all the time. And I also feel dumb sometimes, "how do they know all this", at the same time am curious and research stuff, ask questions, but maybe it´s rather like interview with martians .

No, it doesn't feel like that. It feels more like being in the moment when I'm around people, because I'm not filtering everything I see through heavy bias thought, or emotional concern. I'm actually just amongst people. Able to hear and see and react instinctively.

When it's about strong feelings, then it feels like a little bit of safe distancing, or letting go. Letting it disperse because it doesn't actually "exist".

Only when it's strong nerves and I fight it, does it feel like I'm disconnected but looking. But that's because I'm not actually in the state of mind. I try not to fight it too much and accept some days I'll feel it more than others, but every morning I take a few minutes to look at the water, the birds, the horizon, and just see. And let my thoughts and feelings become something completely separate from what is out there.

This is all probably impossible to explain and very individual. It is DBT related and the literature does a much better job of this than I do.

cowboyup · Nov 27, 2012

Mario8 said:
Sounds like you may have a mild case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and APD (avoidant personality disorder). Ive... noticed that people often shy away from replying to detailed responses, so ill keep it simple. If you ask me, I think that you allow yourself to get submerged in all of this, because you have nothing better to focus your energy`s on. Simply put, I think that this is happening to you because you have nothing thats really important to you, in your life. I`m not a shrink, but I think this is not real curiosity - this sounds more like boredom, than anything else.

I`m sorry to hear that things didn't go out between you and that married guy. Being single seems to always have a negative effect on people. Especially if they have SA. I don`t think that issues like yours can be "fixed", but I do think that people often go by their priorities. Meaning, I think that what would make you feel better, is to either find yourself a stable boyfriend, or to engage in something you feeling strongly about. Like a hobby, or some common social activity.

^You may be onto something there...When I had a job and a let's call it, real life...before my SA really kicked my a$$, I had NONE of the thoughts, I could do 'normal' things, and my mind was not always judging, or investigating, or wondering why this or why that...

I need something to keep my mind occupied.

cowboyup · Nov 27, 2012

Lea said:
Do you mean to say you observe them like animals in ZOO or aliens rather than feeling one of them? I do this all the time. And I also feel dumb sometimes, "how do they know all this", at the same time am curious and research stuff, ask questions, but maybe it´s rather like interview with martians .

^ sometimes, yes, to a point. I never went out (not due to SA) when I was younger. All I did was work, work, work, and go to school and hand over my pay checks to my parents...I even would work on weekends and holidays so I would not be at home. I did this partially because my parents wanted me working, and not having a social life to them was better - if I even dared look in the direction of a male, I would have been shunned. So that being said, my social skills are lacking, among other things.

gummybear22 · Nov 27, 2012

wow they seem like overlords. did you ever confront them about their needing improvement in letting you be more social?

what is wrong with me

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