What should I expect from a relationship with a love-shy friend?

Hi all,

I have been spending a lot of time with a old friend who has love-shy tendencies. People said that he liked me for a long time, and meanwhile, he has never dated anyone openly but has, according to his friends, had "a thing" over the past few years with one or two girls I've met as his "friends." I used to try to get him to date people, but it never worked. For many years I assumed he was a virgin, and he may still be in his late 20s. He is an introvert, like me, but has great friendships and has a lot of different activities going on. He's friendly and funny and wouldn't at first glance appear to be "shy."


Fast forward a few months, and I have moved back to the West Coast, and we're hanging out a lot. He initiates plans with me, and when we meet up he gives me a hug and a kiss and is excited to see me, but except for a one or two quick attempts, it has not gone further than cuddling or kissing. I have not tried to rush things or discuss it, because we are still getting used to living in the same place and being more than "just friends" to each other.

We are getting very close emotionally and I love the time we spend together, but I'm worried about the fact that our physical relationship hasn't moved on to a more intimate stage. Another friend keeps telling me that if he doesn't initiate sex in the next few weeks, I should move on and be with someone who can handle a more fully developed relationship.

My question is, am I correct in thinking that, if I continue to hang out with my friend a couple of times a week (and most of the weekend) and just enjoy the time we spend together, the relationship will eventually become more intimate, even if it takes awhile? Or does the current state of things suggest that this will never happen? Also, is there something I could be doing to make him more comfortable with me? Even though I understand some of his issues, I have taken a very different trajectory than he has with relationships and may not know the right way to approach what is developing between us.

Thanks for reading!
HvH

My opinion, largely uninformed as it is, is that these sorts of things tend to work themselves out. Your timeline's not completely clear to me - from what I understand, your move to the West Coast has been fairly recent, and you said yourself the two of you are still getting used to being an 'item'. Maybe I'm an old fogey (or love shy or whatever), but in his shoes I know I'd be having a hard time with intimacy in general and the sex thing in particular. It seems like there's still a honeymoon period going on and no doubt the adjustment from 'pining for years' to 'actually in a relationship' is odd for him.

Your friends advice to move on if he doesn't initiate sex soon seems to me to be the height of lunacy. The way you describe things makes it pretty clear you're both enjoying yourselves at the level you're at, and there's no reason to throw all that away so quickly. It seems it's not like he's completely adverse to the idea of sex, since I assume he initiated the instances you were talking about reciprocating.

I don't have much actual advice as I'm woefully inexperienced my own self. All I can say is you should stick with it for a while, and maybe try to talk about it when the timing is a little better (and remember there's no such thing as the right, perfect time to bring it up). Just try to be supportive and understanding. See where it goes for a while and then reassess - hopefully he'll have gotten past his initial hangups, or at least you'll have some insight into the problem and know whether you want to stick it out or move on.

Thank you so much for your advice--I really appreciate it. The move is *very* recent, and this is the first time in years that we've lived within a fairly short drive of each other, so we're just getting used to hanging out regularly rather than just taking trips together. I've honestly felt happy with the way things are going until I talk to my other friend who, I think with the best of intentions, keeps telling me to give it a month and, if not, bring it up to him and think about moving on if he doesn't change.

I don't think that setting an artificial deadline does anything to enhance intimacy. I knew before getting involved that turning the friendship into a relationship might be a slower process, and I was okay with that...it seemed to me, as you suggested, that trying to rush that process would only erase all the good times and the progress we've made. Besides, it just doesn't seem like a compassionate way to treat another person, especially one I've cared about for so long. We are sharing more and more of our lives with each other and spending a lot of quality time together in a way that I don't think is possible with anyone else. I'm glad that I'm not absurd for thinking that spending time with someone I already love and care about is worth more--even without sex--than dating around and trying to meet someone I may or may not be compatible with, but who will be more aggressive. Thanks again.

HopevsHopeless said:

Thank you so much for your advice--I really appreciate it. The move is *very* recent, and this is the first time in years that we've lived within a fairly short drive of each other, so we're just getting used to hanging out regularly rather than just taking trips together. I've honestly felt happy with the way things are going until I talk to my other friend who, I think with the best of intentions, keeps telling me to give it a month and, if not, bring it up to him and think about moving on if he doesn't change.

I don't think that setting an artificial deadline does anything to enhance intimacy. I knew before getting involved that turning the friendship into a relationship might be a slower process, and I was okay with that...it seemed to me, as you suggested, that trying to rush that process would only erase all the good times and the progress we've made. Besides, it just doesn't seem like a compassionate way to treat another person, especially one I've cared about for so long. We are sharing more and more of our lives with each other and spending a lot of quality time together in a way that I don't think is possible with anyone else. I'm glad that I'm not absurd for thinking that spending time with someone I already love and care about is worth more--even without sex--than dating around and trying to meet someone I may or may not be compatible with, but who will be more aggressive. Thanks again.

Click to expand...

You have to talk to him, go easy, and slower, and see what happens from there. Maybe you made progress already and you dont even know.

Glad to have been of service. I believe you're correct that setting an artificial deadline is just all manner of problematic and wrong. Though I obviously know neither of you, I'll play a little devil's advocate. You should be mindful things may not work out because of intimacy issues - either because he can't overcome them or you can't deal with helping him work through it. I only bring it up because I recently had a friend going through an issue that was somewhat similar - a particular hangup with his girlfriend was really draining him emotionally. If he hadn't had an attitude change, staying in that relationship would have been really bad for him, though it was ultimately nobody's fault.

That said, it sounds to me like you've got a good thing going, and I wish you the best. I'm sure your friend meant well, but different strokes, you know. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him needing to take it slow and you matching his pace.

HopevsHopeless said:

Fast forward a few months, and I have moved back to the West Coast, and we're hanging out a lot. He initiates plans with me, and when we meet up he gives me a hug and a kiss and is excited to see me. We talk about anything and nothing and are never bored together. We spend hours and hours hanging out at each other's places and sleep in each other's beds, but except for a one or two quick attempts, it has not gone further than cuddling or kissing. He has not been comfortable the few times I have tried to reciprocate the attempts at touching him more intimately, and when he kisses me, it is usually pretty quick and more of a closed-mouth variety. I have not tried to rush things or discuss it, because we are still getting used to living in the same place and being more than "just friends" to each other. We have not discussed our status, but we are exclusive and his friends know about us, as do mine.

Click to expand...

I think the part in bold is where you might've went wrong. Love shy guys can be very bad at taking hints. I think you need to talk to him and plainly make your needs known, and tell him how you feel about him, to make him more comfortable with initiating anything further.

megalon said:

I think the part in bold is where you might've went wrong. Love shy guys can be very bad at taking hints. I think you need to talk to him and plainly make your needs known, and tell him how you feel about him, to make him more comfortable with initiating anything further.

Click to expand...

Yiiikes, that is really hard for me to bring up--not that it means I shouldn't. I have my own issues with intimacy and vulnerability, which have not been so pronounced in relationships with guys who are able to initiate these conversations (I seem to look for people who will do the dirty work for me so that I don't have to put myself out there as much). I think I will combine the advice and give it more time, see what happens, and think about what I might want to say in a conversation like that. Since it has only been a few days that I've been back I want to get a bit more past the settling in stage; I have to say I am in a bit of a spin between here and there (new job, new apartment, etc) and probably shouldn't be undertaking anything too weighty till I feel more grounded. To be completely honest, I also need to get comfortable with the idea of bringing something like that up.