Silentknight
Well-known member
Those of you who have been in relationships, care to describe what it is/was like? All of the good, the bad, and the ugly(<--that would make an awesome movie title... Oh wait I forgot)
What's it like being in a relationship?
- Thread starter Silentknight
- Start date
Sinar_Matahari
Well-known member
It's just as you've written: good, bad and ugly. At times it's really good and makes me think it's better being in a healthy relationship rather than taking one's chances out there. Sorry. Don't mean to be pessimistic or discourage anyone here. I guess I just meet a lot of dumb asses.
Last edited:
ditto......
I've had three previous long term relationships:
At 22 my first lasted 4 years....verbally abusive and cheated
My second 3 years.....physically abusive and cheated
I took a 5 year 'celebacy' break after that.
My third lasted two years but it was more a companionship and safer than the others, we were not close and it drifted apart.
I've had three previous long term relationships:
At 22 my first lasted 4 years....verbally abusive and cheated
My second 3 years.....physically abusive and cheated
I took a 5 year 'celebacy' break after that.
My third lasted two years but it was more a companionship and safer than the others, we were not close and it drifted apart.
Last edited:
Sinar_Matahari
Well-known member
Get this...the last guy who tried to talk to me is a necrophilia enthusiast.
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
I had one relationship. We were together for almost 8 years and went through alot together. He was there for me when I had been stalked, nearly raped, physically abused, bullied AND when I had become successful too.
I was there for him through many many hardships as well. When his mother kicked him out on his 18th birthday; he moved in with my family until he was able to finish highschool. I took over paying the bills when we lived together and he was laid off from work, even though I was in college at the same time. We both struggled so much and worked together on every level to make things work and to remain positive.
When I was in the hospital with a failing liver, he was there for me every day- he worried, he got sick worrying but he did his best to act normal and not treat me like a person on their deathbed (like everyone told him I was)
I survived.
Relationships are alot of struggle. Alot of pain. You are willing to go through all of that pain because there is love, though. Love is much stronger than pain.
For me, there was no suspicion. I was able to trust his word; as he never made a lie to my face.
There was never any yelling or major arguments - I don't function that way and luckily, neither did he.
I nagged him sometimes to clean up his things because he was a slob- but I dealt with it in a playful manner; couldn't get mad at him for something so silly.
He nagged me sometimes to leave the house with him because I was prone to staying indoors (being agoraphobic) but he tried to be helpful and understanding toward my fears.
We respected eachother.
In the end, the decision to split up was his and his alone.
A person could only deal with my fears for so long before cracking; could only hurt for so long before feeling so broken for me- that it was impossible to be around me anymore because it was just too painful.
He broke up with me and I let him go because I love him more than anyone in the world. I want him to find happiness with someone healthier than me. To get married; to have babies, like he wanted.
I wish him luck because I care for him.
He doesn't talk to me anymore, because it would be too painful.
My relationship was hard, even though we got along so well together.
Getting through life as a couple is the hard thing to do-- not getting through eachother. That is what I found.
I was there for him through many many hardships as well. When his mother kicked him out on his 18th birthday; he moved in with my family until he was able to finish highschool. I took over paying the bills when we lived together and he was laid off from work, even though I was in college at the same time. We both struggled so much and worked together on every level to make things work and to remain positive.
When I was in the hospital with a failing liver, he was there for me every day- he worried, he got sick worrying but he did his best to act normal and not treat me like a person on their deathbed (like everyone told him I was)
I survived.
Relationships are alot of struggle. Alot of pain. You are willing to go through all of that pain because there is love, though. Love is much stronger than pain.
For me, there was no suspicion. I was able to trust his word; as he never made a lie to my face.
There was never any yelling or major arguments - I don't function that way and luckily, neither did he.
I nagged him sometimes to clean up his things because he was a slob- but I dealt with it in a playful manner; couldn't get mad at him for something so silly.
He nagged me sometimes to leave the house with him because I was prone to staying indoors (being agoraphobic) but he tried to be helpful and understanding toward my fears.
We respected eachother.
In the end, the decision to split up was his and his alone.
A person could only deal with my fears for so long before cracking; could only hurt for so long before feeling so broken for me- that it was impossible to be around me anymore because it was just too painful.
He broke up with me and I let him go because I love him more than anyone in the world. I want him to find happiness with someone healthier than me. To get married; to have babies, like he wanted.
I wish him luck because I care for him.
He doesn't talk to me anymore, because it would be too painful.
My relationship was hard, even though we got along so well together.
Getting through life as a couple is the hard thing to do-- not getting through eachother. That is what I found.
It's quite difficult to elaborate in great detail, but I'd say it's not so much 'a better' life, as much as it's a different life.
For me personally it's been very difficult. I require a good amount of personal space to process thoughts. I causes friction at times. But even with my need for personal space, it's been working out just great.
Which is odd, as my partner and I are completely different. Where I like mellow and nice food, he likes heavy and spicy food. Where I like red, he likes blue. Where I'm calm, relaxed and controlled, he is assertive, driver and spontaneous. And the list goes on and on. They say opposites attract, but there have been major clashes before. I guess what makes it work is that we have small, but key, things in common, there's the absence of mindgames, and a strong trust to back it all up.
The bad has been REALLY bad,
The good has been REALLY good,
But most of the time it's mediocre. I don't know whether the factor of physical relations changes this, as I haven't had that yet, but for now the only thing I can say is that it's mostly just different. Not better, and not worse.
But that's just my personal experience, of course.
For me personally it's been very difficult. I require a good amount of personal space to process thoughts. I causes friction at times. But even with my need for personal space, it's been working out just great.
Which is odd, as my partner and I are completely different. Where I like mellow and nice food, he likes heavy and spicy food. Where I like red, he likes blue. Where I'm calm, relaxed and controlled, he is assertive, driver and spontaneous. And the list goes on and on. They say opposites attract, but there have been major clashes before. I guess what makes it work is that we have small, but key, things in common, there's the absence of mindgames, and a strong trust to back it all up.
The bad has been REALLY bad,
The good has been REALLY good,
But most of the time it's mediocre. I don't know whether the factor of physical relations changes this, as I haven't had that yet, but for now the only thing I can say is that it's mostly just different. Not better, and not worse.
But that's just my personal experience, of course.
Last edited:
dottie
Well-known member
lol token_asian... well, there are some civilized women who actually wrap their tampons up in toilet paper before throwing in the trash for the sake of being more discreet!
good:
companionship
sexing
knowing someone has your back
having more things to do
learning about others and yourself
bad:
doing things you otherwise don't want to do
adjusting to their habits
meeting the family & facing their judgement
dealing with their baggage (psychological, kids, drugs)
breaking up
what blackpuma said: the good can be really good and the bad can be really bad. and going into this you know 98% it will end really bad (feelings of loss, maybe resentment) unless you're a deviant/sociopath who really doesn't care.
good:
companionship
sexing
knowing someone has your back
having more things to do
learning about others and yourself
bad:
doing things you otherwise don't want to do
adjusting to their habits
meeting the family & facing their judgement
dealing with their baggage (psychological, kids, drugs)
breaking up
what blackpuma said: the good can be really good and the bad can be really bad. and going into this you know 98% it will end really bad (feelings of loss, maybe resentment) unless you're a deviant/sociopath who really doesn't care.
coyote
Well-known member
The good, bad, and ugly experiences we have in a relationship are a direct result of the expectations we each have for the other person.
What do you expect out of them - what do they expect of you?
The more expectations we have, whether positive or negative, the greater chance there is of our expectations not being met. Unmet expectations then result in disappointment, resentment, anger, mistrust, etc. - all of which can then lead to MORE expectations - and then we're trapped in a vicious cycle.
The key thing to remember is that our expectations of the other person are not really about them at all - they are about us.
So the more each party can let go of their own wants, rules, standards, expectations, etc., and the more we can accept the other person as they truly are - the more authentic the relationship is, because we're each relating to the actual other person and not just to our idea of who they are or should be.
This also makes the relationship much easier and far less ugly.
I believe it takes a lot of work, a lot of communication, and a lot of self confidence on both sides. Which is why I think it is very important to deal with any issues (like Social Anxiety) that would get in the way of this BEFORE trying to have a relationship, and NOT to think that the act of getting into a relationship is a way to overcome those issues.
[NOTE: I hope all that made some kind of sense.]
btw - i was married the first time for 12 years, i was with my second wife for 6 years, and my current girlfriend for 4 years
What do you expect out of them - what do they expect of you?
The more expectations we have, whether positive or negative, the greater chance there is of our expectations not being met. Unmet expectations then result in disappointment, resentment, anger, mistrust, etc. - all of which can then lead to MORE expectations - and then we're trapped in a vicious cycle.
The key thing to remember is that our expectations of the other person are not really about them at all - they are about us.
So the more each party can let go of their own wants, rules, standards, expectations, etc., and the more we can accept the other person as they truly are - the more authentic the relationship is, because we're each relating to the actual other person and not just to our idea of who they are or should be.
This also makes the relationship much easier and far less ugly.
I believe it takes a lot of work, a lot of communication, and a lot of self confidence on both sides. Which is why I think it is very important to deal with any issues (like Social Anxiety) that would get in the way of this BEFORE trying to have a relationship, and NOT to think that the act of getting into a relationship is a way to overcome those issues.
[NOTE: I hope all that made some kind of sense.]
btw - i was married the first time for 12 years, i was with my second wife for 6 years, and my current girlfriend for 4 years
Last edited:
Streifen
Well-known member
These are just based on my experiences. Sorry if Bad/Ugly kind of seem too similar in tone 
. I have been in two relationships in my early to mid 20's and both times we lived together. These were my observations:
The Good:
Being so happy and excited to be around the other person. Talking to them for hours about anything, laughing and forgetting everything that bums me out. Improvement in self esteem and anxious feelings. Feeling loved, accepted and wanted. Having someone to go places with and have fun. Envisionment of a future together. Having someone to rely on who is not subject to the weird power struggles of my family. Being hugged and kissed and hearing my name said in a caring way. Knowing someone has my back covered the same way I'm looking out for them as well. Having another capable adult around who can help accomplish tasks. Feeling like a team.
The Bad:
Having to consider how everything I do will affect someone else, no matter if it's as small as maybe they'll think the new dishes I bought are hideous. Self expression can become limited to what they'll accept and I start to split into the me they want me to be and the me that I feel I am. Becoming more secretive to avoid arguments (both sides), dwindling trust. Their family's interference in our business and being bossed by their parents. Them growing to dislike/distrust my family, which although I understand why, puts me in the middle. A struggle between values that both sides have been raised with. Power issues due to neither side wanting to feel dominated. Both sides having high expectations and becoming disillusioned, not letting the other person be human with human faults, but a representation of something. Sense of love being affected by physical/verbal hurts or disappointments and not being to look past that, distance increases. Becoming an object that is "owned" by the other person and being controlled in how I dress, what I like, who I talk to and where I go.
The Ugly:
Enduring someone else's lack of control over an addiction, which affects everything in their/our lives (first bf turned alcoholic, second bf could not get off WoW for anything, even a shower). Physical/verbal abuse or vengeful acts done out of spite. Becoming afraid or paranoid of the partner and worrying for safety of the self, pets, etc. The feeling of someone I cared about being depressed or hateful towards me. Having to depart from each other's lives when we meant so much to each other. Hearing from other people that the partner has talked badly about me or seeing something negative about myself (written by them) on the internet. Finding proof that they've been flirting with other people. Finding it easier to generalize that all people must be like this and retreating into myself to avoid feeling hurt anymore. The partner completely retreating into their own world and avoiding conflict resolution with me. Having to do everything myself (chores, bills, what-have-you) and feeling like I adopted a son more than moved in with a boyfriend......
My family really didn't have sympathy for me when it came to my experiences with these guys, seeing it instead as me being a doormat who brought it all on myself. Currently I'm working on whatever issues I have and trying to get happier/feel accomplished with myself and not repeat the pattern.
. I have been in two relationships in my early to mid 20's and both times we lived together. These were my observations: The Good:
Being so happy and excited to be around the other person. Talking to them for hours about anything, laughing and forgetting everything that bums me out. Improvement in self esteem and anxious feelings. Feeling loved, accepted and wanted. Having someone to go places with and have fun. Envisionment of a future together. Having someone to rely on who is not subject to the weird power struggles of my family. Being hugged and kissed and hearing my name said in a caring way. Knowing someone has my back covered the same way I'm looking out for them as well. Having another capable adult around who can help accomplish tasks. Feeling like a team.
The Bad:
Having to consider how everything I do will affect someone else, no matter if it's as small as maybe they'll think the new dishes I bought are hideous. Self expression can become limited to what they'll accept and I start to split into the me they want me to be and the me that I feel I am. Becoming more secretive to avoid arguments (both sides), dwindling trust. Their family's interference in our business and being bossed by their parents. Them growing to dislike/distrust my family, which although I understand why, puts me in the middle. A struggle between values that both sides have been raised with. Power issues due to neither side wanting to feel dominated. Both sides having high expectations and becoming disillusioned, not letting the other person be human with human faults, but a representation of something. Sense of love being affected by physical/verbal hurts or disappointments and not being to look past that, distance increases. Becoming an object that is "owned" by the other person and being controlled in how I dress, what I like, who I talk to and where I go.
The Ugly:
Enduring someone else's lack of control over an addiction, which affects everything in their/our lives (first bf turned alcoholic, second bf could not get off WoW for anything, even a shower). Physical/verbal abuse or vengeful acts done out of spite. Becoming afraid or paranoid of the partner and worrying for safety of the self, pets, etc. The feeling of someone I cared about being depressed or hateful towards me. Having to depart from each other's lives when we meant so much to each other. Hearing from other people that the partner has talked badly about me or seeing something negative about myself (written by them) on the internet. Finding proof that they've been flirting with other people. Finding it easier to generalize that all people must be like this and retreating into myself to avoid feeling hurt anymore. The partner completely retreating into their own world and avoiding conflict resolution with me. Having to do everything myself (chores, bills, what-have-you) and feeling like I adopted a son more than moved in with a boyfriend......
My family really didn't have sympathy for me when it came to my experiences with these guys, seeing it instead as me being a doormat who brought it all on myself. Currently I'm working on whatever issues I have and trying to get happier/feel accomplished with myself and not repeat the pattern.
Last edited:
joyce
Well-known member
well im in a relationship now in two days its gonna be 2 weeks since we met anyways
so far is good
good:we hug
we talk
we watch movies :O
we went to dinner a few times
its awesome to be loved and love :O
we kiss
bad:I can't do stuff with him that other couples do
umm and thats all the bad things i can list so far :O
so far is good
good:we hug
we talk
we watch movies :O
we went to dinner a few times
its awesome to be loved and love :O
we kiss
bad:I can't do stuff with him that other couples do
umm and thats all the bad things i can list so far :O
Yeah so, I've never had an interest to have a relationship. I'm the cold silent guy in the back, my personality is somewhat evil
So is a relationship recommendable? Is it really worth it, because I really like to live without anyone telling me what to do.
Anyway even if I wanted, I really am clueless on this matter on how to even start.
So is a relationship recommendable? Is it really worth it, because I really like to live without anyone telling me what to do.
Anyway even if I wanted, I really am clueless on this matter on how to even start.
eso
Well-known member
I'm out of a relationship, will be on march, one year anniversary of breakup. I broke up with her on our anniversary so it was exactly 8 years long.
My relationship was fine but fairly stagnant. I settled for less because I thought I wouldn't have anyone else. She had hobbies I did not agree with and that took a toll on me. I did get cheated on once and that is the worst feeling ever.
Anyway the good part is you have someone to be with all the time. You have someone to care about and you learn how to love. Physically you feel good because there's lots of kissing and cuddling, etc. You have someone to watch over you if things go bad. It's like having a family if you are away from your real family.
Bad is like they said earlier, it's like a job. Keeping the other happy is a lot of work. And especially in the case of a woman, she will expect you to read her mind, literally. That is the worst. Last I heard, human beings aren't psychic. Even the best psychologist on earth has a hard time knowing exactly what's bothering his wife unless she says what it is. And usually that never happens.
I made the mistake of not only settling for less, but also thinking my problems were solved (also mentioned earlier) after I got a girlfriend. As a result, for those 8 years I did not improve my self esteem or anything. I had reached a certain point of happiness to attract someone, did that, and I stopped growing my inner strength. That is a huge mistake, I can't stress that enough. Never stop trying even after you get a relationship. Always continue to fight your shyness and low self esteem even though you ovecome the one MAJOR accomplishment of finding a partner.
My relationship was fine but fairly stagnant. I settled for less because I thought I wouldn't have anyone else. She had hobbies I did not agree with and that took a toll on me. I did get cheated on once and that is the worst feeling ever.
Anyway the good part is you have someone to be with all the time. You have someone to care about and you learn how to love. Physically you feel good because there's lots of kissing and cuddling, etc. You have someone to watch over you if things go bad. It's like having a family if you are away from your real family.
Bad is like they said earlier, it's like a job. Keeping the other happy is a lot of work. And especially in the case of a woman, she will expect you to read her mind, literally. That is the worst. Last I heard, human beings aren't psychic. Even the best psychologist on earth has a hard time knowing exactly what's bothering his wife unless she says what it is. And usually that never happens.
I made the mistake of not only settling for less, but also thinking my problems were solved (also mentioned earlier) after I got a girlfriend. As a result, for those 8 years I did not improve my self esteem or anything. I had reached a certain point of happiness to attract someone, did that, and I stopped growing my inner strength. That is a huge mistake, I can't stress that enough. Never stop trying even after you get a relationship. Always continue to fight your shyness and low self esteem even though you ovecome the one MAJOR accomplishment of finding a partner.
SilentBird
Well-known member
Heaven and Hell
JamesSmith
Well-known member
I've been in 1, 1 and a half long relationship (impressive huh?...not). The relationship was kind of weird. I was a college guy dating a high school girl. I was just in it for the sex and never got any sex. There was good and bad, I guess. I made the mistake of not going after a girl that I was actually attracted to, I definitely didn't love her. She broke up with me because we were too different, and she was right, we were too different.
What I can tell you is to be patient, be very patient and wait until in your heart you know you are in love before you get into a real relationship. I would imagine being in love would be the best way to be in a relationship. It's really up to the person, though, you know? I mean do what you want. I've got buddies that just want one-night stands and that seems to make them happy enough, lol. So I guess it's up to you. Do what you want.
What I can tell you is to be patient, be very patient and wait until in your heart you know you are in love before you get into a real relationship. I would imagine being in love would be the best way to be in a relationship. It's really up to the person, though, you know? I mean do what you want. I've got buddies that just want one-night stands and that seems to make them happy enough, lol. So I guess it's up to you. Do what you want.
It's my biggest motivation to lose the SA