When You Have SA A New Indignity Is Always Just Around The Corner

Anybody else with SA feel this way? It just seems like there's one indignity or act of disrespect directed at us at all times. It's downright uncanny. It's like people who don't even know us target us. Today, I'm walking back to work after accompanying a co-worker to get coffee. I work in an area of downtown where there's quite a few homeless people with mental issues. So of course some homeless clown picks me out of the crowd. He starts walking directly toward me so no problem, I sidestep to get out of his way. As we are passing each other he shouts, "Oh, sorry about that you p**sy!" Now, I'm not afraid of the guy but it was so unexpected that it caught me off guard. Before I can even think of a response, the whole thing is over and he has walked past. I decide there's no point in going after some homeless guy who probably has issues but I felt really stupid like everybody, including my co-worker, is looking at me like I'm the biggest fool. It's always like that!

One time on a crowded elevator, this woman was agitated about something. When she got to her floor she began to rush off the elevator. Well something on her purse got caught on the back of my pants. I felt the tug immediately and tried to tell her to wait a minute. She didn't listen and took off in her rush. I had no choice but to take a few steps with her or risk having my pants ripped off me from the back. So I'm literally being dragged off the elevator by the seat of my pants. She finally heard me telling her what was happening, stopped and began to disengage whatever was caught on my pants. She gets off, I'm still in the elevator and people still inside can't hold in their laughter. Embarassment - 1, Me - 0.

The stories just go on and on. Do these things happen to everyone or do they happen more often to people with SA? Maybe they do and I tend to overthink and make a bigger deal out of it than anyone else. I try to put myself in the position of a person who had just witnessed what had happened. I have to admit if I saw it happen to someone else, I would probably note it as interesting and forget about it. On the other hand, it seems to be funnier/more interesting to people when it happens to someone who is already uncomfortable with life. Am I alone in thinking this?

Your best choice in terms of the second story you told is to just laugh it off. If you think about it, it's kinda funny/unusual. If you started laughing before your co-workers, you'd see the positive results immediately.

As for the first situation, it's not that 'obvious' that he chose you to pick at. Dude has mental issues, he'd say the same thing to anyone else who happened to catch his eye. It's probably best not necessarily to ignore it (because you were with other people), but to quickly come out with something like "no problem *****, you have a nice day!". Then again, given his mental issues, he might have snapped.

It's not that these things happen more when you have SA. The numbers are probably the same for you as they are for anyone else. The difference is that other people either laugh it off or simply don't care because those events are very tiny in the grand scheme of things. The thing about people with SA is that they will be more sensitive to these triggering events and will thus be more affected by them. The trick, therefore, is to learn to 1) laugh at yourself, and 2) just let it go.

Sacrament said:

Your best choice in terms of the second story you told is to just laugh it off. If you think about it, it's kinda funny/unusual. If you started laughing before your co-workers, you'd see the positive results immediately.

As for the first situation, it's not that 'obvious' that he chose you to pick at. Dude has mental issues, he'd say the same thing to anyone else who happened to catch his eye. It's probably best not necessarily to ignore it (because you were with other people), but to quickly come out with something like "no problem *****, you have a nice day!". Then again, given his mental issues, he might have snapped.

It's not that these things happen more when you have SA. The numbers are probably the same for you as they are for anyone else. The difference is that other people either laugh it off or simply don't care because those events are very tiny in the grand scheme of things. The thing about people with SA is that they will be more sensitive to these triggering events and will thus be more affected by them. The trick, therefore, is to learn to 1) laugh at yourself, and 2) just let it go.

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Thanks for the advice, especially about the first situation. I'd been feeling really down about that and your matter-of-fact post actually made me feel better (this is why this forum is so great). I know he had mental issues but I guess when he said what he did, it almost felt like my very manhood was being challenged and I just walked away. Stupid assumption, I know. When dealing with someone with mental issues in a situation like that, you walk away. It's not just adult, it's smart. But you know with anxiety, it makes us sometimes overthink things and distort what really happened. You are right and you are also right that potentially embarrassing situations happen to everyone. SA sufferers just have a tendency to overexaggerate things in our minds, I guess because we typically don't deal with them well.

Glad to be of help

Don't let those things linger. The quicker you detach, the quicker you recover tranquility.

Sacrament said:

Glad to be of help

Don't let those things linger. The quicker you detach, the quicker you recover tranquility.

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Yeah, I had a better day today and didn't think much about it. I was even able to joke with the same co-worker about not feeling safe out there when I told him I was going for coffee again. I guess what bothered me mainly was being caught so off guard that I didn't think of a quick witted response until the situation was already over. It's funny, I came up with pretty much the same response as yours, "No problem, bitch" but that didn't come to me until I was already upstairs and back in the office. I think the mark of SA is freezing up sometimes when an embarrassing situation arises. I always hate when I come up with the appropriate response long after the opportunity has passed. I feel like George Costanza with his J.erk Store comeback (if you're familiar with the Seinfeld series). I hate to admit it but I actually walked around the same area the next day looking for the guy, hoping for a repeat scenario. Of course he was no where to be found (probably a good thing in the end) and the situation will never happen again as long as I'm feeling more prepared. That's life.

The j erk store called. They're running out of you!

Sacrament said:

The j erk store called. They're running out of you!

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:bigsmile: Ironically, one of my favorite episodes!

I think people with SA/depression/autism/ other mental disorders can give off the impression of being "slow" or absent minded, even in motorics and movements. And indeed, it's often that we become too crippled in social situations to come up with some quick witty reply or the right amount of self-confidence to counter verbal attacks or jokes. This also leads to an ever growing lack of self-confidence.

I think people pick up on this and think we are easy targets. Most don't realize we aren't dumb. This makes it extra hard and frustrating, because I don't want to be taken for a fool. Sometimes it gets even to the point where I'm fantasizing about violence against perpretators of rudeness or obsess about getting back at them in some other way. Of course that is not the answer.

I think the answer that I don't put into practice, is trying to regain some healthy self-confidence, which is the key to be able to bounce back from adversities in life. And not false confidence, but actual confidence brought on by taking care of oneself. AKA not spending most of the off time behind the computer in my case.

gustavofring said:

I think people with SA/depression/autism/ other mental disorders can give off the impression of being "slow" or absent minded, even in motorics and movements. And indeed, it's often that we become too crippled in social situations to come up with some quick witty reply or the right amount of self-confidence to counter verbal attacks or jokes. This also leads to an ever growing lack of self-confidence.

I think people pick up on this and think we are easy targets. Most don't realize we aren't dumb. This makes it extra hard and frustrating, because I don't want to be taken for a fool. Sometimes it gets even to the point where I'm fantasizing about violence against perpretators of rudeness or obsess about getting back at them in some other way. Of course that is not the answer.

I think the answer that I don't put into practice, is trying to regain some healthy self-confidence, which is the key to be able to bounce back from adversities in life. And not false confidence, but actual confidence brought on by taking care of oneself. AKA not spending most of the off time behind the computer in my case.

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That's a very interesting take on it. I too have fantasized about whacking a rude person upside the head or pushing them down a flight of stairs although I would never follow through with it. And I can definitely vouch for the fact that many think we are stupid.

It's especially painful if, in the past, you were known for your quick wit. Situations like this where I just seem to shut down can sometimes make me feel like a shell of my old self. Nevertheless, I push forward with my current shortcomings and hope that reason and reality will always prevail. So far it has but the struggle can be a difficult one. However, I refuse to give up. It takes a few days for me to get back to being me even as I realize that I'm overthinking and over reacting to a situation. Hopefully, eventually I'll be able to shake it off more quickly and minimize the frustration.

It's especially painful if, in the past, you were known for your quick wit. Situations like this where I just seem to shut down can sometimes make me feel like a shell of my old self.

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I know that feeling.

It's like my brain has degenerated over the years. It's pretty scary. In reality it's not that my brain has degenerated; the symptoms have always been there. It's more like because of being forced to be amongst people all day, it made my shortcomings with sensory impulses much more visible. For years I was used to being alone, and it made me blind to myself. When exposed to people a lot, my personality "flaws" show a lot more. I get a lot of sly remarks that people think I don't pick up on, but I do. I'm also the center of a lot of gossip. I often find I'm not really taken as a mature person, and I get why, since I'm pretty far behind on many levels.

However, despite wanting to quit every day because of feeling like a laughing stock, I try to see the merit of my current situation. I've finally realized that I have certain issues that make socializing/expressing myself troublesome. I've realized that my own negative attitude (self-loathing, obsessing about social interactions, feeling inferior, hating the world) probably worsens people's attitude towards me. It also motivates me to find a job that is more suitable for my personality-type. It's a bit cliche, but I find knowing who you are (self-acceptance), makes it easier to get what you want. Like what type of job, what types of people I like having around me, etc. Life is the greatest teacher.

gustavofring said:

I know that feeling.

I get a lot of sly remarks that people think I don't pick up on, but I do. I'm also the center of a lot of gossip.

However, despite wanting to quit every day because of feeling like a laughing stock, I try to see the merit of my current situation.

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I see we share a lot of the same struggles. I always pick up on the sly remarks and most of the time I pick up on the inside jokes where someone says one thing to my face but it means something else entirely. I just don't let on that I know. For starters, it wouldn't change anything and focusing on it is just a needless drain of energy. And what is up with "normal people" wanting to make us the center of their gossip? For the most part I keep to myself but it seems like every little morsel of information they can find out is reason for discussion. Maybe the fact that I'm quiet makes them want to talk about me more (?), like they think I'm withholding information from them or something. There's nothing particularly interesting about me at work except for my struggle with SA. I want to tell them to get a life.

I usually last about two to three years on a job before it gets to be too much and I have to start anew someplace else. I'm presently at the year and a half mark now so it's starting to be about that time. I'm smart enough to know that the common denominator is me so my personality is the problem.

My dream is to be a good enough stock trader to be independent. I've gotten pretty good at it but not good enough for it to stand alone as my sole source of income. Maybe some day as this really is my only hope that I can see for working independently.

Recently I needed new glasses I need them to drive. I was doing really well, tryin to expose myself to this private hell, I will piss her off any second now. After 10 minutes of talking to another human being I was exhausted. At the counter my anxiety was beginning to be noticed. She looked left and right at her co-workers with a weak keeping up appearances kind of smile. Please swallow me up earth, can I fly away now. I left knowing these people had been weirded out by me, and knowing I had to go back to pick up my glasses the next week.

I called a men's resource centre, I asked if I could get someone to go with me to get the glasses. It is the glass fitting that terrifies me. Sitting so close with someone, as they try the glasses on. Run, run, run away my anxiety says.

I went back myself, and was fortunately served by a male staff member. The woman who reacted hid away from me. Don't worry about the fitting I said.

Another blow to my confidence facing people.

And what is up with "normal people" wanting to make us the center of their gossip. For the most part I keep to myself but it seems like every little morsel of information they can find out is reason for discussion. Maybe the fact that I'm quiet makes them want to talk about me more (?), like they think I'm withholding information from them or something.

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In my current job I witheld most personal information from my colleagues and remained quiet as well. For the next job (if I find one) I've decided to be more honest and to give more insight in myself from the start. Talking behind my back is gonna happen anyway, might as well be based on reality instead of fantasy and misinterpretation.

I admire people who are able to speak openly about their problems. It's very brave. If people then decide to still be dicks about it, they only make themselves look like fools.

Kiwong said:

Recently I needed new glasses I need them to drive. I was doing really well, tryin to expose myself to this private hell, I will piss her off any second now. After 10 minutes of talking to another human being I was exhausted. At the counter my anxiety was beginning to be noticed. She looked left and right at her co-workers with a weak keeping up appearances kind of smile. Please swallow me up earth, can I fly away now. I left knowing these people had been weirded out by me, and knowing I had to go back to pick up my glasses the next week.

I called a men's resource centre, I asked if I could get someone to go with me to get the glasses. It is the glass fitting that terrifies me. Sitting so close with someone, as they try the glasses on. Run, run, run away my anxiety says.

I went back myself, and was fortunately served by a male staff member. The woman who reacted hid away from me. Don't worry about the fitting I said.

Another blow to my confidence facing people.

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Amazing how it's just those little things in life that can be so traumatic for us. Reminds me of the time a nurse at my doctors office was showing a lot of cleavage. This is a major trigger point for my OCD and my eyes kept wanting to go there. By the end, I was so exhausted from struggling with myself that it became noticeable. I heard her making conversation after she had left and the doctor was seeing me about being annoyed at people who look at her like she's a piece of meat. I was tempted to tell her about my OCD figuring her being in the medical field, she might just understand but I never did. I just stopped going to that particular doctor.

Indignity - 1
Me - O

I've told all about my anxiety at work, but I not believed.
I have similar things happen outsider, people talk at me like I have no ears or intelligence.

Kiwong said:

Recently I needed new glasses I need them to drive. I was doing really well, tryin to expose myself to this private hell, I will piss her off any second now. After 10 minutes of talking to another human being I was exhausted. At the counter my anxiety was beginning to be noticed. She looked left and right at her co-workers with a weak keeping up appearances kind of smile. Please swallow me up earth, can I fly away now. I left knowing these people had been weirded out by me, and knowing I had to go back to pick up my glasses the next week.

I called a men's resource centre, I asked if I could get someone to go with me to get the glasses. It is the glass fitting that terrifies me. Sitting so close with someone, as they try the glasses on. Run, run, run away my anxiety says.

I went back myself, and was fortunately served by a male staff member. The woman who reacted hid away from me. Don't worry about the fitting I said.

Another blow to my confidence facing people.

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The thing is that you go into those situations predicting everything that could go wrong, or that whoever it is that you're meeting will have strong reasons to dislike you. When you do that, it's almost certain that you'll trip on your own shoelaces. You made me think of two good books that I can recommend for you to read: The Confidence Gap (Russ Harris, he's awesome), and The Highly Sensitive Person (although I can't be 100% sure about this one because I've been listening to the audiobook and I'm not even half way through).

Thanks for the links to rhe books they look interesting. The problem I confront in my communication with people is beyond predicting. My anxiety is deeply entrenched as to be instinctive. Almost OCD like in nature. It can make people uncomfortable and sometimes react angrily. So I go into situation with the reality that a reaction to my anxiety is a possible outcome. I am not predicting they will dislike me.

Stopping my anxiety, trying not to predict the outcome is like telling someone with OCD to stop washing their hand rituals. In some respects I have a kind of PSTD from the times people have reacted adversely to my anxiety.

I go into conversations using a whole range of techniques the latest being graded, repeated and continual exposure therapy, which has helped. To face this fear, to embrace, to stay with it. I was starting to avoid situations such as shops. But lately I have been facing fearful situations as a way practising exposure.

My fear of talking to people is as intense as a fear of heights and as hard to overcome. I count backwards from 1000, I breathe deeply,

Sometimes I do really well and get through, and have a conversation that went well. Any form of positive interaction with another person is so rare as to be like gold to me. There are some situations however where no amount of exposure will help, these are unhealthy environments and people best avoided.

I went back to the shop on my own and faced my fear. But there was again a reaction by the staff member, which reinforces my anxiety.

Maybe turn your attention outwards, in the sense that you focus more on the other person (their eyes, the movement of their lips, the words they're saying) instead of focusing on what you're doing and constantly assessing every movement you make, or any word that you speak. At the same time, you should work on your confidence, in the sense that you should focus on commiting to genuinely love yourself as you are, and taking that as a starting point to becoming the best person you can be.

The exposure therapy is what works best for me. You start with images of what triggers your anxiety. The idea to embrace the initial fear until it peaks and subsides. Each time you do this the fear peaks less highly and lasts lest. The next step is to move onto videos. And the final step is practice in the real world, shops, work etc.

THanks for the ideas I have tried these techniques with other counsellors with variable success. Like I said I count backwards from 1000, I try to think of walking on a beach at sunset, I concentrate on my breathing.

I am actually rather confident in some aspects of my life just not talking to people. I have a big ego, I am an attention seeking, angry, weird, unkind ******* of a man. But despite all that I do care and will never give up on myself. I also have the potential to get it right as a half way decent person at times.

Exposure therapy sounds interesting. Maybe I will look into that. It could actually help me.