Why am I the bad guy?

Bo592

Well-known member
They look at me when I don`t say anything. They want me to say something and they get mad at me or something and they say that I was rude to them. I don`t know what to say my mind goes blink. I try to say something. I don`t like being like this I really try to change but it seem like no matter how hard I try to say something I can`t there just is not nothing up there.what does normal people talk about. It seem like some times I freeze and other times I just don`t know what to talk about. They don`t won`t to hear me when I try to talk about what social phobia is and they are rude to me saying I was rude to them. does any one else get this. why do I get treated like the bad guy because of SA.
 

Lowlight

Well-known member
They don't sound like a very good group of people. Are they friends, family, coworkers? I would sit each one of them down and give them a talking to about why you act the way you do. If they can't get it through their heads that you aren't the bad guy then I would scrap the lot of them.
 

Bo592

Well-known member
It mostly people who don`t know who I am My mother was the only one who would listen to me when I talk about SA but she pass away along time ago my dad to that why I am starting to feel alone now. I have three older sister but they brush me off ever time I try to explain what it is they are nice to me they just don`t won`t to hear about it. But every time they have friends over that when I start to feel like the Bad guy the worst one is my sister boy friend he has a story where his ant has SA too and he said they were all mean to her too.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
Social biology. Humans are animals, we have social preferences that are preferred by most of society. Shyness is seen as a weakness and is looked down upon.

Look at dogs, for example. I have a shy dog, and he was bullied by the rest of his dogs in his cage before we got him. They attacked him and took advantage of him until he was forced into the corner of the cage and isolated himself.

It's animal nature to do this. Humans aren't much different than dogs in this manner. Most people on this site are people that were pushed out of society by other humans that didn't like us because we are shy, and now many of us are in isolation, as my dog was.
 
I think that is cutting it too thin. Shyness is merely one trait. The problem is that we are too difficult to reach. How often has a person tried to engage us, but it all goes wrong? Very often. Communication is the key, we are very difficult to read, thus, for a lot of people, we are impossible to understand. If we cannot communicate our thoughts, feelings and desires, then how can anyone interact with us? To say that we are like animals does not do this issue justice. It is far more complex then that, people are far more complex then that. It's true that there are those who will exploit those less likely to fight back, but even then, they are more often than not the product of insecurities themselves.

Well said.:)
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
What has hurt me most about my anxiety is that I tried to do things to show that I am acting in good faith, and hope that people get to know me for the right reasons. But some people chose to see none of that, and to see only my anxiety, and talk about it, and judge me for all the wrong reasons.
 

Srijita52

Well-known member
It mostly people who don`t know who I am My mother was the only one who would listen to me when I talk about SA but she pass away along time ago my dad to that why I am starting to feel alone now. I have three older sister but they brush me off ever time I try to explain what it is they are nice to me they just don`t won`t to hear about it. But every time they have friends over that when I start to feel like the Bad guy the worst one is my sister boy friend he has a story where his ant has SA too and he said they were all mean to her too.
You're sisters probably not understanding what SA is & how bad it can be for your life.If you can't explain this to them well then give them some books,some references,tell them to read about it....but still if they're not interested I think its not worth explaining SA to them.Some ppl just don't understant(or don't want to).In that cast I'll suggest you go on with your life & don't care what they say.I know its easy to say than do,but if there's no other choice...
 

Leeny

New member
I have the same problem. Unless I know the people really well (which face it the only people that fit that category are husband and family) I never know what to say. By the time I think of something to add to a conversation the topic has changed already. People talk a lot of small talk which I can't do. People either think I am boring or that I am some sort of snob, like I think it beneath me to talk to them or that I am not interested in them or their conversation. I am interested I just don't know what to add. The few times I have said something I stumble over my words, not saying what I mean and it comes out all wrong. Sometimes I say something that is taken as offensive when it wasn't meant that way I just don't have the words. I have long since given up banter and jokes because they always get taken the wrong way.

So I am not much help just I know what you mean.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Ooh, it's better to not rely 'just' on family for emotional support... It may be nice to have, and in some families it happens, it's not a given by all means... Your sisters may be preoccupied with own lives or angry cause you didn't do the dishes or such, or cause their tire went flat or they might be unhappy with their job or something... (These are just examples, it's different in every family...) Maybe they just had a bad day... Some people can also get preoccupied or even overwhelmed by own problems or plans and don't really want to listen to other people's...

When they have friends over, they may wish to come across 'well', and may want to make a good impression on the friends... Or maybe they were even trying to be helpful and introduce you to some people? If you've just met someone it's better to talk about more 'light' themes, like ask 'Where have you two met?' if it's a new person, or ask about that person, where are they from or talk about what they like to do or have recently done, have they seen any good films, or give maybe a compliment like 'nice hat' or even talk about the weather if it's necessary...

Talking about sa would usually be reserved for people who know you well and you know them well and know you can trust them... Or in a support group or such...
Your sisters' friends are not a 'support group', if you like some of them and 'click' with them (=they like you back), you could try to maybe become friends with them - slowly!! it's better to start with common interests though... eg what kind of films or music they like, what kind of things they do in free time etc.
It's also better if you can find your own group of friends, to not rely on your sisters', especially if you and sisters are very different...
Maybe you could even ask your sisters what would be appropriate to talk about with their friends?

Many 'social' people may not understand sa... so maybe you could just say you're 'shy' if needed?

People can see 'rude' as very many different things... for some, ignoring them or saying the truth can be perceived as 'rude'... sometimes misunderstandings can happen... Sometimes I've been totally misunderstood too, and the other person/s didn't want to listen...
You can try to make 'good' with people... And/or find friends/support in other places... Is there a support group near you?
 

redmatter

Well-known member
What has hurt me most about my anxiety is that I tried to do things to show that I am acting in good faith, and hope that people get to know me for the right reasons. But some people chose to see none of that, and to see only my anxiety, and talk about it, and judge me for all the wrong reasons.
Exactly. Then, what's more is........ not knowing a whole lot of people, sticking around people who like to batter your brain every visit ("friends" I suppose). Really, the closest people in my life could never once leave me alone, on top of the fact that all of the other people around would smirk and look at other people and laugh right in front of my face. When friends and family get in on that and you have nobody to turn to.......

....people think this is a joke. This has to do with earning a living, making a life, finding a mate. People don't get it.
 

Srijita52

Well-known member
I have the same problem. Unless I know the people really well (which face it the only people that fit that category are husband and family) I never know what to say. By the time I think of something to add to a conversation the topic has changed already. People talk a lot of small talk which I can't do. People either think I am boring or that I am some sort of snob, like I think it beneath me to talk to them or that I am not interested in them or their conversation. I am interested I just don't know what to add. The few times I have said something I stumble over my words, not saying what I mean and it comes out all wrong. Sometimes I say something that is taken as offensive when it wasn't meant that way I just don't have the words. I have long since given up banter and jokes because they always get taken the wrong way.

So I am not much help just I know what you mean.

OMG you're completely like me!I find it real hard to contribute to a conversation even when I'm really interested. It takes me forever to respond to a joke or remark.I've given up on jokes too cos whenever I try to people look at me wierdly & say ''What?!!What was that!You know I worry about you about you sometimes.."
btw welcome to the site Leeny.
 

Bo592

Well-known member
I even get like this on the Internet the right words are never easy to find. I just wish I had anther way to show people what is in my heart.
 
ahh this happens alot to me too.I used to get frustrated with it but now I am improving by forcing myself to say something. However its never easy, im getting alot better at it with practice.:)
 

Bo592

Well-known member
somthing I am being to feel I have to to ask people ? what is being rude mean ? I alway thought being rude was hiting people calling people names and hurting people feelings. which I never do, but still people say I am being rude. I wish I knew if this was just in my head and people did not really thank I was rude. But I don`t know for sure.
 

Bo592

Well-known member
I am not a normal person I can`t understand things as easily as others can.I don`t think the same way as others do I don`t pick up on how people are feeling as easily as other do. I feel that I am hated all the time because I don`t know how to connect with talking to people. I feel like people are thinking that I am a cool hearted person because I don`t say anything to help cheer them up. My heart feel love but I don`t have the words to show it. I feel that they are trying to pick a fight with me all the time I don`t know why maybe I am wrong and it all just in my head. I am scared to talk to people I once knew a long time ago because I don`t have a job or a car or a girlfriend. I want to reach out to them again but when I look at them with there change lives and my life still being the same I get a shame to come out and say anything to them. I just know that they are going to look down on me for not getting a my life together .
 

Bo592

Well-known member
unfortunately this situation is why i dislike/avoid most people. >.<

I feel for you!

Thank you man it feel nice to here from sombody else who has SA. I am hopeing that thing get better for both me and you. I am tryed of living in a world that hate me because they don`t understand me.
 

OceanMist

Well-known member
Bo, the kind of treatment you are receiving is very common among shy men. It seems the world is against us a lot of the time, both men and women, many of them at least, seem to hate us.

They expect us to be this alpha male that always has the right things to say at the right time. They expect us to be this guy is conversational most of the time.

It's impossible for a shy man to live up that, leaving us well....alone. Even if we are partially to blame, society plays a big role in pushing us out of society.

JamesSmith was spot on with what he said. We are that dog.

All we can do is try to make the best of a tough situation.
 

Bo592

Well-known member
Bo, the kind of treatment you are receiving is very common among shy men. It seems the world is against us a lot of the time, both men and women, many of them at least, seem to hate us.

They expect us to be this alpha male that always has the right things to say at the right time. They expect us to be this guy is conversational most of the time.

It's impossible for a shy man to live up that, leaving us well....alone. Even if we are partially to blame, society plays a big role in pushing us out of society.

JamesSmith was spot on with what he said. We are that dog.

All we can do is try to make the best of a tough situation.

your right, The thing that bugs me about it is how do I prove that I am a strong alpha male what do I have to do go up and punch a guy in the face. How does a man prove that he is strong in this world. how can I show people that I am really am a strong guy I just have problems with my words.
 

OceanMist

Well-known member
your right, The thing that bugs me about it is how do I prove that I am a strong alpha male what do I have to do go up and punch a guy in the face. How does a man prove that he is strong in this world. how can I show people that I am really am a strong guy I just have problems with my words.

That's exactly it, dude, you can't physically fight your way into winning their respect. It's all about talking. It doesn't matter if it's guys around you or women around you, when we don't talk, we are left in the dust.

You don't have to be an alpha male, I'm not an alpha and I've gotten with women and connected with them and I've also had friends before that I've connected with.

Part of it is acceptance, accept that you are quiet and wear it. It's okay to be quiet.

Once you aren't ashamed, then the hardest step is going somewhere where people are and either try to make friends or hope that they talk to you. Something I've noticed is that even when you don't talk, if you put yourself around a social situation, people will sometimes talk to you and let be part of the crew. That's a big sometimes, though.

It's so tough being a shy guy though....so tough. Lots of failure has to be dealt with.
 
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