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Old 06-15-2009  
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Default Re: Why do i get obsessed over men???

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Originally Posted by mimi1988 View Post
I guess I should add that I’ve never been in a relationship with a guy, so I wonder if this has a little to do with it? I actually scare myself. If I can act this way over a guy I don’t even know, what will I act like when I’m actually in a relationship w/ a guy and he breaks up with me??? I like to think I’m not one of those women who’d kill myself over a guy, but I really don’t know myself that well.
I understand. I would tend to obsess that way too. Not having been in a relationship makes you needy, maybe. And when you focus too much on someone, you daydream about them, you go crazy about them, then you kind of develop an "addiction". Not having had a girl either, I feel so bad and "needy", I really feel I need a girl to love, and I can't avoid daydreaming and stuff... but I realize that's actually dangerous, that's what you have been doing too, and it's bad because focusing too much on "imaginary" feelings might become a bad habit, an addiction which distorts reality...
I don't know what to tell you... maybe we should simply be more realistic and focus on our real life in a sensible and objective way, and let things happen without obsessing. Hard to do, and I don't know how, but we can try.

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Originally Posted by mimi1988 View Post
I feel so stupid for worrying about this guy who probably never even thought about me. It still just hurts so bad to know he's gone forever. I guess I should be thankful that my family is still here. I am thankful for my family. But I still wish he was here :(
That's what I was saying. You are worried about someone who you would probably not even have liked if you had known him well enough. Chances are he was a **** or someone who would have made you suffer. Yet you still care? Why? Because by focusing too much on him and daydreaming you have ended up distorting reality and feeling "imaginary" feelings. It's a problem I notice in people who are needy, desperate for love... like I am, damn it. I hate it. It's just that when your life sucks and you are an introvert, it's easy to create your own imaginary life in your head, and ending up with unreasonable expectations, hoping that special person you have in mind will come, rescue you, and change your life the way you have always dreamed of. Someday I'll find a solution.

Last edited by Nicholas; 06-15-2009 at 10:56 PM..
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Old 06-15-2009  
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Default Re: Why do i get obsessed over men???

I'm sorry but how anyone can obsess over a thug/criminal is totally beyond me. That's insane. That person might have killed you, if you were with him, who knows??

If you want bigotry and fundamentalism and naked ape chest beating, you can't do better than starting with ayatollah Richard Dawkins.

Last edited by Argamemnon; 06-15-2009 at 10:59 PM..
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Old 06-16-2009  
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Default Re: Why do i get obsessed over men???

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Because I was distracted by his looks. His cuteness and the fact that he was actually giving me attention (well, sorta) was all I seemed to care about. (I realize how shallow that is). I'd start making excuses for his actions. I was shocked when I found out he went to jail for trying to rob someone. Because to me, he didn't seem like that type (guess u cant always jugde a book by its cover). I merely brushed it under the carpet by saying, "well, at least it was only attempted simple robbery and not armed robbery. Maybe he was just being stupid?" He went to jail for cocaine. I made up another excuse. "Well, that doesn't necessarily make him a bad person?"... In my mind I had this vision of what I WANTED him to be like. It may not make sense to you. Hell, it doesnt make sense to me! But believe me, if it had been that easy to just change my feelings for him, I would've done it long ago! I hated being obsessed over him like that bcus in the end it only made me feel worse about myself. It's not healthy for someone to obsess over ONE person like that. But, I just didn't know how to turn off those feelings.
I understand (to some extent). Perhaps it has to do with the fact that you're still young. I'm much older than you (32) and have more life experience, although I've never had a relationship. I'm sure that I too was more 'shallow' than I'm now when I was in my early 20s...

If you want bigotry and fundamentalism and naked ape chest beating, you can't do better than starting with ayatollah Richard Dawkins.

Last edited by Argamemnon; 06-16-2009 at 08:47 AM..
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Old 06-16-2009  
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You liked him so much precisely because you barely knew him. Familiarity often leads to boredom and a loss of mystery, and that was never able to happen.

Aside from that, you loved his appearance, your meetings were very few and far between, he seemed troubled/difficult, and there were certain conflicts that sparked a natural attraction both in terms of him going to jail and him not being available to you. On top of that, the door is now forever closed which will lead to an ongoing if-only feeling.

Your infatuation actually makes a lot of sense to me. It certainly has all the ingredients for triggering strong feelings in someone. I wish you all the best of luck in coping with the loss. Time really does heal all wounds.
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Old 02-16-2010  
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You don't sound NEARLY as bad as me lol. It took you months to forget about her; it's taking me YEARSSS. That's beyond crazy! Sometimes I have crushes that only last for a few months. I just don't understand WHY it's taking so long to forget about him. I use his name for most of my passwords. Matter fact, my password for this site is his name lol. I said if I ever had a son I'd name him after him. I just don't understand why he's so different from every other cush. I think I was just THAT infatuated with his looks lol (I realize how pathetically shallow that is). I guess part of it also has to do with the fact that I don't get out much, therefore I'm not meeting very many people. Sometimes I wonder if he ever thought about me, because I've thought about him almost everyday lol. I can be taking a shower or doing my hair and all of a sudden he'll pop into my head. I still can't believe he's dead though. When I first found out the news I was like, "he can't be dead!" Like he was actually gonna come back to life or something. I always said one day we'd meet again. Now I KNOW that'll NEVER happen. I'm still kinda having a hard time coming to grips with reality. It's sounds unreal to even say, "_______ is gone, dead." I know you probably don't care to read or know all of this. It's just that this has been clouding my mind ALL DAY LONG. I just want to erase him (COMPLETELY) from my memory. He's making me even more depressed :(
I totally understand this! I've been "in love with this guy for almost 10 years now! We knew each other when I was 10 and he was 11, grew up together kinda. Last time I saw him I was 13. Im 21 now. When I think hard on it, the way I feel about him was always one sided and if he even liked me he never said anything outright. But he knew how I felt, still does. Last time I talked to him was march of last year. He said he wanted to see me but then he backed out and hasn't talked to me since. I think that I scared him maybe but he knows that I've always been up front about my feelings you kno? I want to scream and cry at the same time because its so frustrating and unfair. His sister and I were friends but we are not as close anymore she won't talk to me as much and his other sister didnt want to even say hi. I have never done anything but be there and open and to be dumped ( cuz thats how it feels) by him and his sister (kindof) is so painful. I cant tell you how many songs and poems I've written. Every time I think I've moved on I am reminded that those feelings are still there. Like my friend and I were shopping this december and there was this barbershop next door to the store. btw we were around the area I think he lives in, anyway as we were walking past I glimpsed one of the barbers but his head was bent and he was laughing. I don't think it was him; I'd kno him anywhere, but the fact that he could have been there was enough to make me cry. and then I was embarrassed and angry because I couldnt stop. I had to sit in the car until it was over. Everyone says I have to let it go because for whatever reason he wasn't for me and God knows I've tried but not a day has gone by since I met him that I haven't thought about him at least once during the day. I find myself telling people I just met how I feel anything to get rid of it. But it hasnt worked yet. I dnt know why I feel like this, I dnt want to. All I know is he is right here in the same city with me and I can't tell him to give me my heart back since he doesn't want it. This just hurts way to much.
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Old 03-23-2010  
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I have so much to say so if I sound all over the place just bare with meÖ Iíve been obsessed over this one guy for almost 5 years. Yes, 5 whole years! I met him at school in September of 2004. Till this day, I still believe heís the cutest boy (well, heís a man now lol) Iíve ever met or seen. Heíd only spoken to me about 3 times. Sometimes heíd see me around school and wouldnít say a word. He had this clean cut image, but I later discovered another side of him. In Nov. of 2004, he got arrested & thrown out of school for attempted simple robbery. I was depressed throughout the whole school year because I missed seeing him around. (I mean, who gets depressed over someone they hardly know!?)Ö In April of 2005, I saw him while I was at a mall. He approached me 1st, but he acted like he wasnít sure if I was the ďrightĒ person (yea, riiiight). Anyway, he wrote down his number and told me to call him. I began to write my # on a piece of paper but before I could hand it to him he quickly said, ďI donít want ur number. Youíre gonna call me.Ē (Iíd never been hit on and turned down at the same time lol) So I said, ďand what if I donít call you?Ē He then demanded, ďNO! Youíre GONNA call me!Ö right?ĒÖ I called his house a few days later but I pretended like I had the wrong number. (As much as I liked him, I was still scared to really get to know him). He ended up going to jail, AGAIN, like the next day for criminal trespassing. This time he did about 6 months in jail. I knew he was nothing but trouble, but I made up all kinds of excuses to try & convince myself otherwise. I became depressed again; I literally cried tears over this guy I hardly knew. I envisioned being his girlfriend. Even if I had gotten the courage to call him, it wouldĎve seemed weird for me call 6 or 7 months laterÖ I was so obsessed over him I actually started stalking his sisterís myspace page (he didnít have one). Iíve been stalking her page, waiting for her to upload pics of her brother since June 2006! Insane, I know! At one point Iíd spend hours on myspace just waiting for her to update her page. I practically know his sisterís whole life story. Iím gradually starting to forget about him though; but not quite. Wanna know the worst part? Heís dead now. I checked her page yesterday and learned he died 2 days ago (May 27). I like to had a heart attack when I read that headline. This has been getting to me for the past 2 days. Why on earth am I so depressed over a guy I donít even know!? I wish Iíd never met him because Iíve been obsessing over him since the day I laid eyes on him. I want to forget about this loser and move on with my life so bad, but I canít. (I hate to refer to him as a loser, but maybe saying mean things about him will make me stop liking him). I guess I should add that Iíve never been in a relationship with a guy, so I wonder if this has a little to do with it? I actually scare myself. If I can act this way over a guy I donít even know, what will I act like when Iím actually in a relationship w/ a guy and he breaks up with me??? I like to think Iím not one of those women whoíd kill myself over a guy, but I really donít know myself that well. When I was 12 I use to obsess over this boy who stayed across from me for 2 whole years! When I was 14 Ĺ I started obsessing over this one guy I worked with. I got over him a year later when I met the guy Iím speaking of now. I have no choice but to forget about him now that heís gone. But why do I obsess over ppl this way to begin with??? Iím talking 5 whole years! Whatís wrong with me?!?
I hate to admit it but was obsessed with a guy. It was funny though 'cos his mother even wants us to get married - accordin to her, I'm the perfect girl for him?! xD Tryna keep my distance now though 'cause he's obviously not interested and its plain unhealthy. Not the easiest thing in the world when his sisters my best friend and soon to be housemate!!
Avoidance might be the best option!!
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Old 03-23-2010  
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Default Re: Why do i get obsessed over men???

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I'm sorry but how anyone can obsess over a thug/criminal is totally beyond me. That's insane. That person might have killed you, if you were with him, who knows??

Ridiculous.

I'm flabbergasted at some people's reactions to this man. We don't know this guy - what the problems in his life were, his issues, his story, yet so many of you are judging him appallingly. Saying he could have been a killer is an absurd and disgusting presumption. For all we know the OP doesn't even have her facts straight about the guy, for goodness sake.


OP - I don't think you should be calling this guy names. He probably barely even knew you existed - and you're putting him down on a website after his death to make yourself fell better? I don't like it at all.
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Old 03-24-2010  
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Default Re: Why do i get obsessed over men???

Well, my theory as to why you would so avidly chase after one such as him would be because you've never truly felt loved or appreciated by anyone. All humans desire it and some, if left with no other options, will seek methods such as yours. Have you suffered much in your life? Have you felt unloved and uncared for by your family? Perhaps no one has ever told you that you have done things right or that you are a good person? Factors such as this can contribute to you attempting to find love in someone you hardly know.

Thirst for what you do not know. Then you are intelligent.

Know what you do not know. Then you are wise.
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Old 04-01-2010  
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Default Re: Why do i get obsessed over men???

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And I think SA has a lot to do with it... I'm sure this is more common than the responses thus far have indicated. I can't say for sure, but it just makes sense that when you have limited social contact, you would easily get obsessed over one person (or even a few perhaps) because you don't really interact with that many people to begin with. You feel the need to hold on to the few that show you any attention or spark your interest because you see your chances of connecting with a new person as very low. And perhaps we "idealize" our view of that person because we want them to fit into our vision of the "perfect" match for us, and maybe we take comfort in living in the fantasy that our mind has created because we instinctively know that we won't find it that easily, if at all, in the real world.

I'm not sure how to not obsess in this manner, except perhaps learning to engage yourself with more people so that this kind of attention happens more often and isn't perceived in your mind as being "rare" anymore. And we need to be willing to see people as they really are, and not just how we would like for them to be, along with accepting that no one is going to be "perfect."
I think that because we want to feel a connection so much if we make a fake connection in our minds then ultimately we feel like we belong in some way and that someone cares even though in reality, they don't. I feel like it's a maladaptive coping mechanism. If we never even had this fake made up connection then we would probably feel more depressed and more miserable. Though, I do realize that this isn't very healthy, but it's the best chance for a connection that we can have if we feel such a disconnect from everyone.

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Well, my theory as to why you would so avidly chase after one such as him would be because you've never truly felt loved or appreciated by anyone. All humans desire it and some, if left with no other options, will seek methods such as yours. Have you suffered much in your life? Have you felt unloved and uncared for by your family? Perhaps no one has ever told you that you have done things right or that you are a good person? Factors such as this can contribute to you attempting to find love in someone you hardly know.
Lightbulb moment. For me, this makes so much sense.
Thank you for posting this.

To the original poster. I completely understand these obsessions and I hope that you can find a real connection to someone that you care about and who cares about you.

Last edited by Uglyduckling; 04-01-2010 at 08:59 PM..
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