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Old 12-23-2011  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

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Originally Posted by Flowers-Of-Bloom View Post
Hey... what about love-shy girls? Do we count? =/
It's quite simply, in my case, an intense fear of rejection. So intense, in fact, that I will (reluctantly) reject a guy that I like for fear that he will reject me in the future. I can't understand why any man would like me anyway. It always perplexes me if someone asks me out, to point where I think they have a warped perspective or ulterior motives. I think I have the same fear as love-shy men, it just manifests its self differently. Or something.

I'll stop talking now.
I think that's quite possible as well. The problem with guys is that they haven't quite reached the point of communicating with each other in terms of identifying their emotions... at least not to an extent that girls CAN. It's not typically in their genetic make-up, so I can see why love-shyness seems to be more dominant in males than in females.

But here's the thing that I don't understand about "love shyness": Why would an intense fear of rejection be centered only in one's love life?? I mean, how is trying to win the affection of the opposite seem like an impossible goal that would be separate from trying to attain any other goal in life? Would it be foolish to say that fearing rejection is just like fearing acceptance? I mean, you know the opposite of being rejected would be accepted, right? So would love shyness kinda fall in the same category as having almost like a phobia of intimacy or something?

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Old 12-23-2011  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

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Originally Posted by she1slander View Post
I think that's quite possible as well. The problem with guys is that they haven't quite reached the point of communicating with each other in terms of identifying their emotions... at least not to an extent that girls CAN. It's not typically in their genetic make-up, so I can see why love-shyness seems to be more dominant in males than in females.

But here's the thing that I don't understand about "love shyness": Why would an intense fear of rejection be centered only in one's love life?? I mean, how is trying to win the affection of the opposite seem like an impossible goal that would be separate from trying to attain any other goal in life? Would it be foolish to say that fearing rejection is just like fearing acceptance? I mean, you know the opposite of being rejected would be accepted, right? So would love shyness kinda fall in the same category as having almost like a phobia of intimacy or something?
I wouldn't say that expressing ourselves isn't within us genetically, but that guys aren't taught to express emotions. Guys are taught to suppress their emotions and that anyone who does is a..... well, a crude word for a weakling. For example, I was crying once about leaving my mother because it was time for my father to come pick me up (custody agreement, long story). He drove off the road and yelled at me that "if I didn't stop crying, he'd give me something to cry about!" I shut up then, and, from that point on, my suppression became second instinct.

I don't understand the mechanics of it myself, but the mind just recognizes it as different. This is just a guess, but, in romance, there's no given chance that you're going to get a girlfriend/boyfriend. In stuff like achieving goals, you can alter the chances of success and you have some sort of understanding of the situation and what to do. In dating, you have no such thing. There's no guarantee that this person or the next person will like you and there's little you can do about it. You don't understand the rules because there simply aren't any. You go out with whatever you have and you do or die. Or it could be because some of us have had some unfortunate experiences with women. Maybe it's because rejection hurts a lot more than failure. I'm sure there are a lot of reasons that we're not seeing yet, unique to each person. But, to answer your last question, yes, it would most likely fit in that category.

Humanity's great frailty... we prefer past happiness to future uncertainty.

When reaching for the future, we sometimes fall into the past. As we gaze upon events that cannot be changed, our hearts grow bitter with regret.
-"Lightning" Farron

In solitude, where we are least alone.
-Lord Byron
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Old 12-23-2011  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

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Originally Posted by TooShyShy View Post
Or at least have some feelings or an attraction for her? Why hide your feelings and not acknowledge them? What is the worry in the girl knowing this? Why hold back?

Is it better to live this way and watch, stare, fantasize about her from afar and be sad and lonely rather than let the girl know you are attracted to her?
From what you say, I could guess that you're not shy in the slightest way (I'm not saying that you're not, but you don't look like by what you say).

Actually, you're right, rationally thinking. But think of someone who has a very very low self-esteem and who stands a very little chance with a girl. He suspects that if he let her know, that would humiliate him. Maybe she wouldn't tease him, but just knowing she knows...
And yeah, I know how it feels like.

"I would always rather be happy than dignified." (Charlotte Brontė)
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Old 12-23-2011  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

I've liked a few girls in the past and I can say that I didn't really care the times that I haven't said a word about it because I will always like women, someone else will come that I could just "like". Anyway when you really care about someone you just can't have secrets, or at least that's my case. Yes, things can turn wrong for you, you can get hurt but at least you'd know you tried your best, you showed that person that you care about her, that she's an important person in your live. Maybe it's just a dream, maybe you don't have a chance, maybe it's not even a real try to create something new and better, maybe it's just so she feels loved and to make her feel better about herself, or maybe nothing will happen at all. But when you have nothing to lose, when you have no self-esteem or confidence to lose, when you no longer care what others think of you, when you know the only thing that matters is in front of you, then it's when you will tell a woman you love her.
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Old 12-23-2011  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

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Originally Posted by Flowers-Of-Bloom View Post
Hey... what about love-shy girls? Do we count? =/
It's quite simply, in my case, an intense fear of rejection. So intense, in fact, that I will (reluctantly) reject a guy that I like for fear that he will reject me in the future. I can't understand why any man would like me anyway. It always perplexes me if someone asks me out, to point where I think they have a warped perspective or ulterior motives. I think I have the same fear as love-shy men, it just manifests its self differently. Or something.

I'll stop talking now.


Wow. Back in the old days when I had to worry about this stuff that is exactly how I how I felt. I only went out with one girl that I thought was special who asked me out....turned the others down. 24 years later I am still confused why she bothered to ask me out. Every other girl I dated I managed to build up enough courage to eventually ask them out. The ones that I asked out I thought were good looking and of the "fun" type but I could not have cared less about them on a personal level. As I stated somewhere on this site before I met my wife after I gave up on looking for somebody.

Add to that a very low self opinion of myself. In school they had these assemblies about date rape. Taught some guys just can not control themselves after the girl says no. As a guy I was always afraid that I would be reported for rape if the date went bad even if nothing happened. I was afraid she could just make up a story and wreck my life because she got pissed off or something later on. That is why I went out with the girls that had an easy rep rather then ones I found interesting and really would have wanted to know better.

Last edited by SelfHater; 12-23-2011 at 06:16 PM..
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Old 12-23-2011  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

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Originally Posted by MikeyC View Post
With girls I find attractive, I will certainly never show that I like them. I think it's because that if they reciprocate, I won't be prepared and I won't know what to do. It sucks.
That mostly sums it up for me.


Also, I was thinking about this yesterday and I think I figured out part of the reason I can't interact with attractive girls. There is a very attractive coworker that I sit right next to at work for a few weeks now. Most of the time I can't make eye contact, I can't say anything to her, I can't even speak up enough to talk to other people while she's sitting there. I have this irrational feeling that any attempt I make to communicate with her will be seen as an attempt to hit on her. Even though I wouldn't flirt with her if I was confident. She's super hot, but she's not the type I would want to have a relationship with.

Some men die under the mountain just lookin' for gold.
Some die lookin' for a hand to hold.
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Old 12-24-2011  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

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Originally Posted by MrJones View Post
I've liked a few girls in the past and I can say that I didn't really care the times that I haven't said a word about it because I will always like women, someone else will come that I could just "like". Anyway when you really care about someone you just can't have secrets, or at least that's my case. Yes, things can turn wrong for you, you can get hurt but at least you'd know you tried your best, you showed that person that you care about her, that she's an important person in your live. Maybe it's just a dream, maybe you don't have a chance, maybe it's not even a real try to create something new and better, maybe it's just so she feels loved and to make her feel better about herself, or maybe nothing will happen at all. But when you have nothing to lose, when you have no self-esteem or confidence to lose, when you no longer care what others think of you, when you know the only thing that matters is in front of you, then it's when you will tell a woman you love her.
omg, I really like the last few sentences on this post. (ok, I hope that didn't make me sound like some teenybopper there 'cause I was gonna put a heart icon, which I even bothered to look for... drats!) I've been wanting to say something along the lines of "learn to love yourself first" so that the struggle to overcome the fear of confessing or opening up to another person becomes easier. But I think you said it best with "things can turn wrong for you, you can get hurt but at least you'd know you tried your best," and that "when you have nothing to lose... you know the only thing that matters is in front of you". Ahh, that's like beautiful poetry right there. (yes, I know that sounds really cheesy but I have to say it!)

Seriously, I think finding out how you can learn to appreciate you for who you are and knowing that you are worth it, is already taking the steps to letting people into your life regardless of not they accept you into theirs. The reason why people with low self-esteem continue to hold onto people who hurt them is because they didn't have any love for themselves to carry on with their lives. The same is for those people who REFUSE to show interest in the opposite sex. This is one of those things that I never wanted to admit to myself before because that's when I had really low self-esteem and didn't think I was worth anything. In the last recent months, I've learned how important it is to love yourself before you can start to love others.

And I realised it now that letting someone know that you care about them even if the feeling isn't reciprocated, at least if you have any self-worth, you didn't lose anything. You're not going to feel like scum anymore once you believe that you're still worth it. It's not YOUR loss, it's THEIRS. Everytime I remember this concept as I've tested it a number of times, I was starting to feel more confident. I'm still a little shy of course but I'm no longer burdened with the thought that no one's going to like me or think of me as special. 'Cause I know I already am. That's something that I wish every person on here or who is love-shy to keep in mind for everytime that you feel like you're embarassed to be near someone you like or when you start assuming that the same person won't like you no matter what you do. Although you may regret what you say or do, you'll forever regret even more what you didn't do because you just let an opportunity pass you by.

No one is more misunderstood than the one who refuses to understand.
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Old 04-20-2012  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

Gosh, I also have a HUGE problem with love-shyness, just like the majority of people in this thread. I'm 22, never had a girlfriend really. Would like to have one, but I'm just way too shy to approach anyone. Too shy to show my feelings. Too afraid to be rejected or ridiculed. Too insecure about the whole thing... I sometimes act like I'm really confident and assertive, but in reality I'm quite the opposite, sadly. I'm a graduate student now and there's a girl there that I really like. We study together. We've known each other for, like, half a year now and though I can't say I know her very well, she seems to be a really nice person - friendly, sociable, talkative, cheerful, kind, tactful, etc, etc. - the list goes on and on... And she's VERY attractive, too :-) When I have a chance, I try to talk to her to get to know her better. She seems to be happy to talk to me too, we've had some really nice chats over these months, but I'm not sure, probably it's nothing, she's just a good mixer, a people person getting on well with everybody... I'd like to ask her out, but I'm just too afraid to do so. And she's also a bit older than I am - about 5 years my senior. Doesn't seem like a huge age difference to me, but... I don't know... I guess I think too much :-) I know if I don't tell her how I feel about her my chances are definitely zero. And the worst thing that can possibly happen is that she will politely turn me down. So it kind of makes sense to at least try - but I just can't pluck up the courage and try to invite her somewhere!... I focus too much on the negative stuff. I think: "oh, she might say "no", I can mess up, I'm gonna look stupid and foolish, she can have a boyfriend already, I'm not good-looking enough"... The funny thing is - English is a foreign language for me but somehow I feel it would be MUCH easier to say what I'd like to say in English rather than in my first language :-) I wonder why this is so. Kinda strange :-)

Anyway, don't even know why I'm writing all this here... Just trying to give vent to my feelings probably... I like to think that I'm going to try to work on myself, going to be more sociable, develop better communication skills. Hopefully, this is really going to happen and won't turn out to be just self-delusion..... Aargh!

Last edited by pomidor; 04-21-2012 at 07:52 AM..
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Old 04-20-2012  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

Im not love shy im just very quiet.

The human mind is a complex design, I like to manipulate such a design. what can I make you do?
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Old 04-20-2012  
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Default Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

Old thread but hey ...I haven't posted here.
Yeah I'm love shy.Why?I would kill to know why.It's not like I don't want to approach women but my mind just goes berserk in those situations.
A girl flirts with me or shows interest in me and bang that's it ,I lose my cool and I become a fool and no matter how much I try to talk myself in stopping being such a ***** my mind is still flooded with fear.
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