Why do we worry what others think?

I have been working so hard of late to desensitise my insecurities and perceived flaws - which I have worried so much about because I believe people judged me extremely negatively if they see these things.

But I have just realised one of the key things that needs to be put back into reality, into perspective and understood is 'What does it matter what others think of us?' Have you ever really thought about how stupid this worry is? If you found out that someone thinks we are weird or strange or stupid or ugly or anything negative just for being ourselves and how we have acted - what would you think of that person who was being critical of us? We wouldn't like them, we wouldn't want to give them time of day, they are not worth thinking about, they definitely aren't worth us spend time feeling unhappy by what they think. The only people we should ever allow to upset us are people that matter and are worth having feelings for.
And then the people who don't think bad of us - there is no need to worry what they think of us, they don't think bad so no need to worry. So what purpose does worrying what people of us achieve?

And not only that but what good does worrying achieve? If you know you are a good person and treat people well - then that is a fantastic quality that people will like - so we should just be ourselves. Worrying only causes us to lose that quality by going into our shell, being self conscious, self aware, anxious to what others think, etc - its a destructive behaviour that also causes us to feel somewhat unwell.

If you found out that where you work there is someone who is worried about what you think of them what would you think? Well I would think what, that is silly, I don't think bad of people. I would also wonder if that person fancies me to think that way. But I don't fancy all these people who I seem to worry about. So again - its a ridiculous fear/worry, its all out of perspective.

Nobody else I seem to see worries excessively about what people think of them, which suggests my fears are wrong and inaccurate - and that my fear is just something I have developed in my mind as a big issue, when in reality it doesn't need to be.

Another reason why this worry is so irrational is that we seem to live our lives with this fear of being judged negatively, we avoid people and situations where we may put ourselves in 'danger' of being judged negatively. But two things - what is the danger and we have the right to do whatever we wish to (as long as its legal) and we are waiving that right away because of others, they shouldn't be able to have that effect on us. If you found out someone restricts what they do in life because of you, well you would think its ridiculous.
And what is this danger? So we may be judged negatively - all that is, is people's thoughts, one person's thoughts. What bad is going to happen because we have been judged negatively? I think bad of people who are shallow, who are rude, who are rough, who are arrogant. Do my thoughts have any impact on them? No - my thoughts on them don't matter to them because not only are they in my mind, but they are just thoughts, thoughts that I don't dwell on, thoughts that only me myself think, others may not. Thoughts are not going to be broadcasted to every single person in the world and we will face ridicule over it. And so what if we do get judged negatively, does it really matter? Do we really care what that person thinks, they are stupid for being pathetic of thinking negatively about someone who is a good person. If someone thought bad of us for anything last week - what do they matter today?

How do we know if someone thinks negative of us? Again we don't know. Again its ridiculous to worry that we are being judged negatively because we don't know what people think. In fact, most people probably don't even notice us - the only people you really notice are those you think of in a positive light - people you think are nice people, friendly, attractive, etc. I don't think about the people I have seen who are rude, miserable, boring, etc, and I am sure others don't either.

Another reason not to worry - everyone is different, we are all human. No one is perfect and people themselves know they are not perfect and don't expect everyone else to be perfect. We seem to be worried that we won't live up to standard, but what exactly is standard, we are human - we are not robots who have a defective part which we think makes us a reject. No human is a reject because there is no one standard model, we are all unique and all should think of ourselves as equal to everyone because that is what we are, we just seem to struggle to understand it.

I know right now you will still worry in the next awkward social situation, but that is because our beliefs of what people think of us still feel so real and true - which is why we need to keep believing and understanding the reality of why we really should not worry what people think of us. I have been SA free up until the age of 13 - when I was bullied, ridiculed, called names, insulted, etc - on a daily basis at high school - and when I was SA free I didn't spend any time worrying what anyone thought of me, I just acted as me! In order to be SA free one of the things we must realise is that we have to understand and believe that what people think of us does not matter - we should be ourselves and if people like us for who we are then great, if they don't well they can do one!
How would you feel in social situations if you had a mindset that it didn't matter what the person we are interacting with thinks of us. Bear in mind that we know how to treat people well and always will do so this is not going to make us act like insensitive jerks as we don't care what people think of us. If you had a mindset that you don't care what people think of you - you are going to be your nice friendly self - then would you feel anxious around people? I don't think it could be possible - because our fears are all related to what people think of us.

I think to understand this is simply to write lists for and against why this matters and just keep seeing the evidence, believing the reality of things and understanding how wrong our existing beliefs are - because they are exaggerated, negative and biased.

Must end there, hope I get a reply or two.

Very passionate and inspiring words, Jim. It's true that the only reason people avoid us is because we don't allow the true nature of our personalities to shine for people to see. Our fears make us quiet and distant so others believe we are not interested in them, and are perhaps a bit arrogant, so they walk away.
But, I'm not so sure that people can be truly calm when they meet someone, including those who do not suffer from social phobia. We all have a degree of self-consciousness, which is healthy. To expect to be completely free of awkward thoughts and the fear of judgement in the face of new people doesn't seem possible. This would be fantastic though.
I must say I'm pleased with this post. It is filled with such positive energy. It certainly displays the great deal of hope you hold to one day beat this intense fear. I wish I could be this optimistic.
Keep that brimming desire for improvement alive. I'm sure that your attitude is already a step in the right direction.

Jim_Bergerac said:

Another reason not to worry - everyone is different, we are all human. No one is perfect and people themselves know they are not perfect and don't expect everyone else to be perfect.

Click to expand...

True, and I agree with what you have expressed. No human is perfect, in fact some are so imperfect they are cruel....

I worry what others think of me because I do not want anyone to express negative feelings towards me.

I didn't care for people's perceptions of me when I was younger. Unfortunately when I experienced someone telling me, rather aggressively, that I was a worthless individual, and people being almost physically violent with me because of the way I looked, I didn't ever want to provoke or raise an eyebrow ever again: I don't want someone to actually say to me 'you're an idiot' simply because it hurts to hear it.

Rationalising a comment like that is difficult for me, so I avoid attracting attention by keeping fairly inconspicous - maybe this is the root of our anxieties for a lot of people. We KNOW that it is irrational to be so bothered by other people's opinions, but experiences with people physically expressing distaste make us wary of just letting go and being ourselves.

I was at a film festival two days ago and half way through the movie some cool music came on. I felt like swaying to the music, dancing about a bit, but I wouldn't dare in front of the thousands of people that were there. A few girls ran upto the front and started dancing like crazy people, and yet they did not care one bit about how silly they looked! Wow, so thats what it feels like to be completely free of all social anxieties! :lol:

Black mamba - I understand totally how you feel, I understand how much it hurt, the effect it had on you and your confidence and self esteem/self worth, the effect it had on your perceptions of people - can you be yourself and be centre of attention without people thinking negatives of you - can you trust people not to be horrible towards you and think of you in a negative way, and how much you fear any more ridicule. Once you have received negative comments about a part of yourself and others have said it to - well you do believe that what they say is true - and you believe that is how everyone sees you - even if people don't say it. But the truth is there are some real (insert any swear word) in this world and they have absolutely no right to make us feel the way we currently do about ourselves. Have you ever thought that those people have ridiculed you have won twice now - one in making us feel totally crap about ourselves but even more importantly - they have succeeded in making us not able to achieve our potential and find the happiness we would be able to find if we did not live this restricted life we do live because of our SA, lack of self confidence/self esteem, etc. They are scum, they don't deserve a second's thought nevermind a lifetime's thoughts by how they made us feel.

Enough is enough now. You only fear these things and avoid situations/people because of the negative, exaggerated beliefs that these people have given you. These beliefs and thought process is not your real rational thought process, its the one that you have believed after ridicule. We were so hurt by these comments that we felt bad about ourselves and seemingly have developed this as our self image - and everything that has happned since - any negative comments we have used as fuel to make these beliefs even more believable and correct. Its got to stop, and its got to stop right now. You will never ever ever become confident and overcome SA whilst you believe these negative beliefs about yourself, you are insecure about these things, believe its such a big deal.

I cannot hide my excitement - last week I did so much work on desensitising my nose - I went on loads of forums to get opinions, I looked at things rationally and what does it matter if someone thinks I am ugly because of my nose - and amazingly today - first day back at work, I only covered my nose once and right away I thought about what I had learnt and understood and believed and I immediately stopped hiding myself. I wrote a list at the weekend of reasons to stop this insecurity and self conscious and negative feeling about my nose - I had 3 pages of A4 paper with rational thinking and understanding and I believed it all. The only reason I could come up with to still fear people seeing my nose was because I may get negative feedback like in the past - however - anyone who ridicules me for my nose is a sad pathetic person and people will see that, and anyone who does ridicule me for my nose - they are not worth a second's thought, they will think bad of me and worrying about that serves no purpose, I refuse to let them have any effect on me because they are shallow pieces of crap who care nothing for people's feelings. If they don't like me then fantastic - I am so glad that I know I will not end up with someone shallow and insensitive - because I hate people like that. We all have flaws, no one is perfect - anyone who doesn't like us for who we are then that is their problem, I feel sorry for them that they cannot see a person as being a human being who has feelings. I am me, I am a brilliant person who has so much going for me - I refuse to let those bastards beat me any more. Enough is enough.

You can either settle with this SA - and think of all the terrible things that come with it - the anxiety which makes you feel ill, the fear you feel in situations that need not be of worry to you, the panic you suffer when you are in a situation you may be judged, the way it holds back your life - you don't believe you should go for things you want - not only because you don't feel you are good enough or because you can cope and handle new situations, feeling you are a nobody - having no self worth, no self respect to achieve your potential. Why let a few negative comments by some sad bastards let all this happen to you. Negative comments need not hurt once you understand how to not let them hurt - by understanding how unimportant a negative comment or negative criticism is of us. They only hurt right now because of the wrong way we think.

Black mamba - you are brilliant person, unique just like every person in this world is unique, even that person who was horrible to you is unique - he is unique for being a total bastard who probably judges most people in a horrible way, he is scum.

I am willing to chat to anyone and help people desensitise their beliefs and way they see things. I have made amazing progress over my insecurity of my nose and perceived ugliness - and guess what 2 people said to me today really great things - 1- a friend said wow you seem really more confident in yourself today, and a girl who I was chatting to during work said 'Blast if only I wasn't married - you are a great catch'. Is it any coincidence the first day I start acting with a positive outlook which I never had before - people saw a lot of positives in me?

I don't think all SA sufferers suffered ridicule or low self esteem - but for me - this is how I am approaching overcoming SA - 1 - desensitising my perceived flaws/insecurities to realise that my beliefs are so wrong and the reality is that insecurities are pointless and serve no purpose and that they don't make me any less a person - because everyone has something not perfect about them. The average person is of average intelligence, of average looks, of average confidence, of average personality. The average person does not see themselves as perfect and does not expect others to be perfect either. I have a perceived flaw of my nose - but do others really see that as me being a freak and not good enough? Only the shallow people - who would judge people who have bad teeth, are overweight, have bad skin, are bald, have big ears, no chin, scruffy, not intelligent - as being flawed too. Sod shallow people! They are worthless. We are worth it! 2- desensitise what it matters what people think. It doesn't matter like I wrote in the original post here. And finally 3 - to desensitise people seeing your lack of confidence. To not worry about being nervous/anxious, to not worry if someone sees us like that struggle with confidence. I have written a post about that further down. If you desensitise those three fears then what else can there possibly be to worry about!

Don't let those bastards win any more, we are worth it! We have nothing to fear - because fearing serves no purpose, we have nothing to feel inferior for - we are human and unique, we are superior to anyone who thinks bad of us for being the person we are - we don't think bad of anyone for being who they are unless they are horrible people - which is all personality based. We have so many positives and good qualities - its time to be ourselves and if anyone doesn't like us for who we are - thank god they don't like us because we certainly don't like anyone who is as pathetic and shallow as they are! Its time to live our lives the way we wish and show the world all of our amazing qualities and be judged in a positive way. One quote someone gave me was that - someone who has a flaw in the appearance - it is not ugly, they are normal for not being perfect - but what is ugly is their insecurity, their unapproachableness, the way they carry themselves, their no confidence or value in themselves. Its so true! Time for a new approach now, give it a try - if it causes problems go back to the defensive! We are as amazing as we want to make out we are! Remember - an insecurity is only our insecurity. Others probably don't notice it in a bad light at all? Do you think bad of anyone for their appearance? Probably not? But I bet most people have insecurities. Time to change! Sorry I wrote so much!

right jinxed. it's in our genes to be accepted, loved, and cared about by someone. we're social creatures. i know there's alot more to it than that but yeah, it sucks having to rely on the very things that ruin our lives :?

Jinxed - for sure we want to be liked and approved, everyone does, but it doesn't control other people's lives and stop others from living life without the restrictions in the way we do - just in case they will be judged negatively. Look at some politicians and celebrities who get slaughtered in the media - they don't let it ruin them.

Don't we want to be ourselves and if we are happy with who we are - then anyone who doesn't like us they do not matter to us, we don't care less what they think because they are sad, pathetic and shallow people, its a blessing in disguise that they think bad of us. Those who like us we need not worry. Do you want to appear to be something you are not just so that you don't risk being judged negatively? That is a terrible way to approach life, believing you cannot be yourself. You can be yourself - but need to change the way you look at this whole problem! You owe it to yourself to change!

Might be that it seems I am picked on more than others around me. Meaning they aren't really picked on at all. So I feel there is something "wrong" with me.

It's hard not to care what others think, to a degree. When they are negative towards you, it feels threatening. Even more so when you don't have someone there to stick up for you. Other people can be crazy and a gang mentality, should that happen, could even be dangerous for you.

Now I know you meant not caring what others think on more trivial matters. But the instinct is there. If you don't easily belong, you may have a harder time in life.

I think if you have a few genuine connections to some people, then it is easier to discard what others might think. Forming genuine connections seems hard though because most people don't want to get "too" deep. You have to hide your true self. There have been posts where people told others about their SP and the others started acting strange or awkward, or completely ignored what they were told.

Ok now I'm rambling. In sum I think it's survival instinct to care. Otherwise we might as well strive to be lonewolves.

edit

I can't write for more than a couple of mins here as am about to set off to work - but jinxed you have answered the question yourself


If you can desensitise these insecurities then you will be confident in these things you fear judgement on. It can be done - I have been incredibly insecure and self conscious about my nose for about 10 years - I always hide my face, I hated being looked at, I would never have my picture taken. I too have suffered so many years of name calling, ridicule, insults - and I have started making great progress by desensitising these things I fear will be judged negatively on, and there is no reason why you can't do it too.

Will write more tonight after work.[/b]

Jim_Bergerac said:

They are scum, they don't deserve a second's thought nevermind a lifetime's thoughts by how they made us feel.

Click to expand...

So you've been through similar no doubt. Tell me this: how hard was it for you to forget the hurtful comments? Sometimes I am completely ok with bad comments as I'm 100% sure they are not true, but I still retain a lot of anger towards this person. Even now, a few years on, everyday I think about physically hurting the person who told me I was worthless. :twisted: It's very difficult also because that person will be in my life forever. Although, this is a side issue...I veered off course!

We all have flaws, no one is perfect - anyone who doesn't like us for who we are then that is their problem, I feel sorry for them that they cannot see a person as being a human being who has feelings. I am me, I am a brilliant person who has so much going for me - I refuse to let those bastards beat me any more. Enough is enough.

Click to expand...

Wow, everyone should print this out into a giant billboard sized poster and plaster some wall with it. Awesome stuff.

I am willing to chat to anyone and help people desensitise their beliefs and way they see things. I have made amazing progress over my insecurity of my nose and perceived ugliness - and guess what 2 people said to me today really great things - 1- a friend said wow you seem really more confident in yourself today, and a girl who I was chatting to during work said 'Blast if only I wasn't married - you are a great catch'. Is it any coincidence the first day I start acting with a positive outlook which I never had before - people saw a lot of positives in me?

Click to expand...

Amazing progress!

One quote someone gave me was that - someone who has a flaw in the appearance - it is not ugly, they are normal for not being perfect - but what is ugly is their insecurity, their unapproachableness, the way they carry themselves, their no confidence or value in themselves. Its so true!

Click to expand...

Wow, you seem so excited and well versed in these matters. I appreciate all the positive comments so don't be sorry for writing too much!

Black Mamba - thank you loads for all your nice comments and praising what I say, I don't for a moment think I know all the answers to overcoming SA, but I have been working on SA for about 2 and a half years making marginal progress, however its the thinking that I have mentioned in this post that has just automatically had amazing change in me. I still have a long way to go, but I am all of a sudden less self conscious and because of that I am nowhere near as anxious and self aware - which has made me more confident.

Today I went to the pub as it was a girl's last day. There were 10 of us there and I was chatting fine with friends and I was even fine chatting to a couple of new girls who started recently and able to chat out loud to everyone. And we started talking about swimming in this hot weather and I said jokingly that I my natural swimming style is the butterfly as a joke. And one girl said I can imagine you are a good swimmer - you look very athletic. I was laughing and turned to my friend and said wow, did you hear that. And then another girl said 'Yeah you do look like a swimmer as you have the cool hair'. I started laughing again and turned to my friend and said 'wow, did you hear that'. When I got back to work I was telling everyone how the two girls said I look athletic and have cool hair. People were laughing at how happy I sounded.

But also I applied for a more responsible job in my office yesterday and I had to have a chat with the boss and I was surprisingly confident, I was not self conscious.

I just cannot tell you the effects this new positive mindset which is based on reality that I can believe is having on me - I am just opening up and really starting to enjoy it, infact I love it - and would recommend anyone who feels so insecure and lacking in confidence to do what I have done.

I have also been working on my fear of appearing anxious. Do you know what I mean - when you are feeling anxious - you feel worried about what people think if you shake or have a trembly voice, or struggling to get your words out. This is something I have been so scared of. I did two hours of work last night on this and I think I have started to change my mindset on this by understanding and realising the truth that there is nothing to fear. I have never ever received negative remarks or insults about my lack of confidence/anxious traits - and I have struggled hugely - such as breaking down in a presentation and couldn't get my words out. I have had to go to offices to ask for documents and I could hardly get my words out and had to swallow every 5 seconds. I have appeared so nervous around a girl I liked, I was shaking and couldn't make eye contact. But the truth is - that girl really likes me as a person, whenever I see her - as she works in another office she is just so incredibly nice to me. She even says one day she is going to be a star like me. She says we must go for a drink (she is married) but we get on brilliantly as friends. She always comes over to chat to me. So - yes I was so anxious around her at times - but does she think I am weird or horrible? No way, she definitely likes me lots as a person. The presentation which went wrong - people said they liked my topic and asked what happened to me - asking because they were sad, not because they were horrible. If someone approached you at work and had to ask you something and they were a bit shakey, looked terrified, struggled getting their words out - but seem a nice person, how would you react? I am sure almost everyone would help that person, try and lighten the conversation and help the person. I don't think people would be thinking 'This guy is an absolute freak'. This doesn't happen. So now when I am interacting I am more confident because I have a better self image - but also I am trying to no longer fear anxiety like I have done. I have always been so scared of people seeing me struggle with my confidence - but if you start to think - the WORST people can think of you for lack of confidence is that - 'That person was really nervous, seemed a bit unstable, a bit strange' - well desensitise this worst case scenario - yes we know we were nervous - doesn't make us ugly or a bad person - its just a fact. We seemed a bit strange and unstable - well people may think that about the way we acted - but just remember - if we ever do get to know this person - they will get to see the real us and see we are just nervous around new people, just like a lot of people are. They will in time see we are not strange, but a really good person - and infact a lot of people probably think how nice it is that we are nervous and acted so unconfident - people think 'Aw bless' or think that we are sensitive and probably very kind person who is not up ourself. But remember - lack of confidence does not make us ugly or a bad person, it just means we are shy and timid - I have never felt badly about a person who has been like that before in my life. And anyone who we don't get to know who only saw us as shy, nervous, unconfident - well we don't know them or get to know them so what does it matter what they think of us. Do we worry about if we met a stranger who was unconfident but never spoke to ever again - does it matter? No! So putting things into perspective about what it matters and realising it doesn't matter at all can make you really understand how stupid these fears are.

Black_mamba - you asked me how hard was it to forget the hurtful comments. My insecurities about my nose in particular - but my perceived ugliness has hurt me like crazy. I had zero confidence - to the extent where I could not leave the house, I could not go to the shops, couldn't get my haircut, I had no confidence in speaking with people for the fear of being looked at - I just felt so ugly. The people who called me those names, ridiculed me, insulted me - god I hate them and yes I have wanted to hurt those people so badly myself. But what is it you are insecure about? And I will help tell you how to approach it in my opinion - and will even come up with rational reasons to tell you why your beliefs are wrong and making you believe you are not good enough, inferior, ugly (not sure if thats how you feel - but I felt that way), made you so insecure, self conscious, believing there was something very very wrong with you because of this insecurity/insecurities.
I felt so bad about my nose that it was always on my mind, every second of the day - who could see me, if people can see me they are judging me badly, if people see me I have to hide my nose with my hind by wiping my eye or blowing my nose, or looking the other way. I had lost the plot totally about what my nose meant and how it made me look so ugly.

I basically started to desensitise my nose - breaking down all my beliefs about my nose and what people thought of me because of my nose, what it means to have a big nose, how people see people who have a bigger than average nose - and are they all seen as freaks?
I went on lots of forums - only 2 weeks ago - which is how I found this forum - to get loads of opinions on how people see people with big noses. I looked at celebrities who have 'big noses' and seen how successful and popular they are. I was told I looked like Sean Penn a while ago and I was so upset. But now I am trying to accept my nose - I am so flattered - I have seen pics of Sean Penn looking brilliant. All the responce from people was that they don't look negatively at people who have a big nose at all, infact they found people with big noses as can be really attractive in terms of looks. I started thinking about friends from the past at college and school who had big noses. I want to highlight here - my nose is bigger than average, but not like massive. But anyway - I remember a girl at school who was always called names for her nose - like concorde nose, bird nose, etc - and I thought she was really pretty - I wish I told her how pretty I thought she was just so she wouldn't take any of the comments badly. I had a brilliant friend at college who's nose was definitely bigger than mine - and he was dating and ended up marrying this really gorgeous girl who was clever and nice. How about Steffi Graf - people say her nose is big - but I think she is really attractive. Look at actors with big noses - there are quite a few - have they let their nose effect them - hiding because they don't want people to think they are ugly because they have a big nose? No way - they are on camera all the time and successful. I also realised that having a flaw in your appearance such as having a big nose does not make you ugly - but just human - but what makes you appear ugly and undesirable is that you believe you are not good enough, that you are self conscious and nervous and unapproachable, that you are not outgoing and let your personality shine through. All of that is hugely desirable. You also have to remember what is a flaw in appearance or personality? In terms of appearance- is being overweight, bald, spotty, bad teeth, big ear, big nose, big chin, no chin, scruffy, plain, small, scarred, etc - are these flaws? If so we are just like so many people who get the things they want out of life. Why are we living a restricted life for a flaw - which just makes us human - and infact can make us more desirable - people don't usually look at someone who looks perfect because they will think they are not good enough in comparison and will look for someone that may have a flaw so is more likely realise that you are a realistic target. But also remember the average person is of average looks, average intelligence and average confidence. The average person does not expect to meet someone who is perfect because they know they are not perfect themselves. Therefore I am an average person. Also - I try very hard with my appearance in terms of hairstyles and nice clothes and good hygiene which I am sure most people here do anyway - but what I am saying is - be the best person you can, accept your flaw and think that anyone who thinks bad of us for that flaw - then phew - thank god for that - because that person if they think bad of us will show they don't like us in their attitude towards us and we have had a lucky escape from some shallow stupid person who needs to get a grip. Anyone who doesn't think bad of us for our perceived flaw - then what is there to worry about? They don't judge us badly - so we may as well be confident and let our personality shine through. But also - I am not just a nose, anyone who judges me as just being a nose is just so shallow. No one is perfect - we don't judge people on one flaw - we judge them as a whole package. I am starting to like my nose now - just 2 weeks after hating it - and all because i have started to realise the reality of things. If someone doesn't like my nose - they are not good enough for me. And this whole concept of thinking can be applied to any perceived flaw you have. At the end of the day - we are who we are - we want someone to like us for who we are - there is no point in having an insecurity and trying to hide it like I did with my hand - because what if someone thought 'Yeah he is nice' and asked me out on a date. On the date she sees my nose more clearly and decides she doesn't like me now. Well if I knew she was as shallow and so looks orientated - I would not want to give her time of day - and I would prefer her to see I am not what she wants from the start - so that I wouldn't waste £2 on buying her a drink! :lol: Come on - accept yourself - there is no gain in hating something about yourself - I mean if you hate yourself can you honestly expect someone else to love you? If I can do it, anybody can. And I am not saying removing this insecurity solves everything - I am also working on desensitising my fear of appearing anxious around people - which I mentioned, and desensitising what it really means on what people think about us. Again people who think it really does matter only think that way because of existing exaggerated negative beliefs. If you like yourself and know you treat people well - then those who judge you badly are scum and are not worth it - the rest of the people are the nice ones. They are the people we want to know and would get on brilliantly with!

You can do it definitely, SA can be beaten - and if I can make as much progress of late as I have done - then anybody can because I have suffered so badly! [/b]

Jim_Bergerac said:

accept your flaw and think that anyone who thinks bad of us for that flaw - then phew - thank god for that - because that person if they think bad of us will show they don't like us in their attitude towards us and we have had a lucky escape from some shallow stupid person who needs to get a grip.

Click to expand...

You are actually very damn effective at putting my thought patterns into words. I loved this bit so I quoted it.

I think my insecurities are a little more complex (they actually revolve around truths, hurtful comments made about how socially inept I was a few years ago), but now I will treat you to my nose story, because funnily enough I used to have 'nose anxieties' too.

When I was about 9 years old I made a subconscious pact with myself to either a) never been seen in profile (from the side!) or b) always hide my nose with my hands. I was almost disgusted with the shape of mine: it just has a funny bend in it. All the girls at school seemed to have little feminine upturned noses, so I developed quite a big complex about mine.

Fast forward about a decade later and somehow I just don't care anymore. A big step was noticing one of the very few friends I made at school - she was Somalian and had a typical Somalian nose. Small and bent near the top. But hell this girl was SO happy, all the time smiling laughing joking. She was so confident and always had plenty of male attention. She enjoyed life, and my god, she had a nose almost like mine.

In fact, I've almost turned my complex into something positive. For a while I used to think that a slightly bent nose was a sign of strength, god knows why, maybe because it doesn't look so dainty. Anyway, my partner also has a crooked nose and people we both know tend to point how our similar our noses are. 'Your kids are going to have interesting big noses' they say, jokingly of course. And you know what? I actually giggle. I don't care - I finally accepted that yes, my nose is a little unusual and there's nothing wrong in that. It's great, the only issue I still have is getting anxious about seeing photos of myself from an unflattering angle, thats something I'm working on.

On a side note, my little sister (she is 19 I think) had nose surgery recently. Her nose is average size and straight and she felt quite conscious of a miniscule bump on it (from an accident in childhood) - but trust me, the difference before and after is nonexistant! I was really sad to hear that she had gone through with surgery before consulting me, especially since I managed to overcome my worries without surgery. Doesn't matter, she become happier post-surgery and was smiling a lot more. I told her she looked nicer because she was smiling (pssst, she was still convinced it was the surgery that did it). :lol:

I like this post. I agree that when you really sit down and think about being concerned as to what other people think it's silly. It's very debilitating, too. This is what I try to think about when I'm at the height of my social anxiety (and I know it might sound silly). It's kind of hard to explain but I will try my best: When I embarrass myself, I imagine that I am somebody else. I mean, we are all just faces in a crowd when it comes down to it, right? The only person that is affected by being embarrassed is myself but when I imagine that I'm not myself, I'm not embarrassed. I'm not saying that one should try and get a new identity but when you look at things in this light, it does seem a little silly to get caught up in peoples' views of you because really, you are just another person.

Not to say that I am cured of my social anxiety because I'm not. But I try every day.

i agree with everytihing you have said and i can rationalize that it really doesn't matter what others think - but it doesn't change the way i feel.
SA is irrational.
if i don't like someone it doesn't matter to me what they think, but when i meet prople that i like or have some quality that i admire eg. extremely intelligent people, it is these people i am really concerned about because i don't want to be disliked or embarrass myself around people i actually like and admire. i am really in awe of very intellectual people because i don't want to be thought stupid by someone smarter than me.
the thing is you can never tell what people are thinking - they don't have to be explicitly negative towards you but in their heads who knows what they are thinking.

Spurs - have you tried desensitising your beliefs about feeling anxious around intelligent people? Its clearly an insecurity which you feel inferior and self conscious because of this insecurity. And by desensitising - I mean do a complete analysis of your current beliefs and break them down totally. I am certain if you do it and see it in writing and repeatedly understand and believe the reality and truth - that you will no longer feel the way you currently do.

I mean I am quite intelligent, although admittedly there are people who are miles more intelligent than me. I don't think any bad of anyone who appears less intelligent than me. I work opposite a girl who doesn't seem very intelligent, but then I know she has a lot of very good qualities that I think she has that I don't - such as confidence, very attractive, assertiveness. Spurs - you know a person is made up of so so so much more than intelligence. You get some people who are intelligent who are master criminals and terrible people. Intelligence is something people can feel inferior to others for and feel 'not good enough', but the reality is that you are in no way inferior. Maybe someone of great intelligence is more intelligent than you, but we are all unique and may have many qualities which are superior to the intelligent person. I have never in my life looked down on someone less intelligent than me and I don't think many people do. Infact the way you should look at it is that - if an intelligent person looks down on you for not being as intelligent then you are a far superior person because you are a far better person because you don't judge others negatively because of something we are born with and cannot change. An intelligent person doesn't look at people in this negative way, its only the really pathetic shallow, brain dead people that would look down on you for this.
I think its an insecurity for you - and one key reason to show your beliefs are inaccurate is because I have never had this insecurity and don't feel inferior or superior to someone because of intelligence. Therefore you can change the way you think to the reality which I believe.

I agree, very good post. All the worrying is silly.

I have a question for those who have gotten over worrying what others think, so to speak.

If someone says something, what do you do? I know this may totally depend on the situation. But still I curious. Do you defend yourself? Ignore their comments? Ignore them completely? Walk away pointedly?

Generally what people say is true. Can't debate tastes of course. But yes, you may be quiet, you may have an unusual looking nose, are boring or inane to them, are a homebody. I'm not sure what prompts people to say these things out loud to you. You aren't satisfying to them, and they let you know it.

Of course, if you get up and leave or something, they will just say you need a thicker skin. I suppose the proper response is "I need not waste my time being around you". I just need the courage to say that kind of stuff and be damned the consequences. Gasp, I might actually feel proud of myself.

Of course, that could lose a job or get a spouse annoyed when you tell off their family.

Jinxed - I still have a long way to go, because on monday I have to show a new employee how to do my job - and have to take him around different offices and introduce him to a few people. I am absolutely dreading it - but this is not because of my nose, this insecurity is about my own confidence - I am worried about people seeing my perceived flaw in my perceived lack of confidence. I have really struggled doing this in the past, where I have been visisbly shaking and my voice so weak and having to swallow - I find it so humiliating when people are watching me and I am acting like that. But like I have said many times I am trying to desensitise this and not worry one bit if that happens, that way I will not fear being unconfident - and hopefully not fearing it will mean I am not anxious.

But my insecurity about my nose is just amazing in how much it has faded - I don't mind now people seeing me side on, sometimes I struggle when there is someone I have always fancied, but even there I think 'Well they are not interested in me anyway, as I have seen these people about for 2 or 3 years and hiding my nose has not helped them like me, so I don't care if they see my nose anymore, if they don't like me because of it - and judge me badly because of it, well they are the not the desirable women I always thought they were. This is the whole thing for me now - I realise that anyone who doesn't like me or couldn't be interested in me JUST because of my nose - well I am so glad for that, because I don't want someone shallow, I want someone who is just a nice person and accepts that people aren't perfect. Those who are looks orientated and shallow I tend to find are not very deep thoughtful people, they are usually quite selfish and have little to offer personality wise. That maybe a bit generalising - but it helps me with my insecurity as to why I am accepting my nose and glad that I won't attract those shallow looks orientated people, because I hate those people.

Jinxed - why don't you share your insecurity with us - you haven't told us what it is have you? It doesn't matter how long it takes to write it - I and no doubt others will read it, so say it. If you are not saying because its too hurtful - well guess what - about 3 months ago I couldn't tell anyone, not even on a forum about my nose, I felt so ashamed and that people would judge me as a freak because of it. I am so glad I did start talking about it and getting opinions and understanding how wrong my beliefs were, because it was eating me up inside, now I feel I can almost let go. I would love to hear what it is that is eating you up inside and we can chat about how to try and let go off these terrible beliefs/thoughts, etc that make you feel 'not good enough', self conscious - however it makes you feel.

turtlegirl said:

If someone says something, what do you do? I know this may totally depend on the situation. But still I curious. Do you defend yourself? Ignore their comments? Ignore them completely? Walk away pointedly?

Click to expand...

If it is a non threatening situation and the comment wasn't intended to be hurtful, then I will turn it into a joke or laugh at it. If it is a potentially dangerous situation (e.g. with a drunk stranger) I walk away and say nothing.

Of course, that could lose a job or get a spouse annoyed when you tell off their family.

Click to expand...

Yeah this is the grey area. For me all the negative comments made about me have been through my partner's family. I have no idea how to handle them, and nor do most people regardless of SA! 8O If we mess it up, then they have more fuel for their fire! If we offend them, they may hold a grudge against us forever.

What we need is a simple, effective, and universal comeback comment. :wink: Ok thats never going to happen. Boy I can't imagine ever getting on my with in-laws. :evil:

[/negativity]

Why do we worry what others think?

answer: Because we do not realise that what others think is in fact polluted by negativity, self doubt, harmful intentions, selfish intentions and is in fact the future cause of their own mental pain and suffering.

Imagine if you could hear everyones thoughts. You would actually be in tears and fall to your knees because people torture themselves constantly, pain, anger, dissatisfaction, unease and of course anxiety. Everyone suffers from it. No one really knows how to be content and happy. For those that do, well, then there's no reason to worry what they think because they will only have good thoughts of you. For those who harbour bad thoughts about you, it is they who will receive harm, not you, they create their own inner world of torment in which you act as a reflection of their contaminated thinking. What is there to worry about?

The problem is this:

We see what others think about us strangely as some sort of cause of our happiness. For example if we appear a certain way maybe they will think good of me, i wont wear my frilly skirt out today because people will think im strange and i wont be happy unless im accepted by everyone because my happiness depends on what they think of me, he he, how silly.

What others think of us is not a cause of our happiness, that comes from within our own mind. Forget what you believe others think of you.

What are the worst negative thoughts anyone could have of you?

List them and then ask yourself if you can live with this.

For example, everyone hates me.

Ok, but if i love everyone even though they hate me, i am happy, who's smarter? They create negative thoughts and unhappiness i create a wealth of happiness and feel great so what does it matter what they think?

As everyone on this website is smart, why not be smarter still and realise this??? Why be controlled by the polluted thoughts of others which are transitory anyway?

Jack