Journey of Jazz

I had a scary nightmare earlier. It felt so real, as if what happened in it was actually going on in real life. My heart was pounding and my stomach felt queasy when I woke up. It took a long time to shake off the feeling that what happened in the nightmare was some kind of foreshadowing to something. I had to get some juice to try to calm down. Hopefully it won't happen again when I go to bed later.

My emotions change so quickly. I wish it would stop. I'm tired of my mind feeling like a yoyo. I'm tired of trying to hold everything together. I'm tired of not having the support I need at home. I just feel like I need to sob into somebody's shoulder, and I can't even look to my mom for comfort because she'd judge me and criticize me. She'd tell me to stop being such a baby. I don't understand why I'm like this. I'm sick of feeling useless. I've tried to start looking at myself from a positive point of view, but its hard. I'm tired of trying. All I see are the negatives. I just feel like there's nothing for me out there. I feel so far away from everything. I'm sick of my thoughts always resorting back to this. I'm sick of the constant struggling, the constant battle with myself. I don't want to keep living this way.

I've always wished my moods didn't get so out of whack so suddenly. I'm always up and down, its one of the main reasons why I sometimes try to push people away, because I don't want people to have to deal with it. Someone who I respect and who's helped me out told me some time back that I should let people decide whether or not they want to stick around and put up with how I am. I think they were right. When I hit low points I usually get these thoughts telling me to hurt myself, or worse. I already attempted suicide in the past, and I hurt the people who care about me because of that. I don't want to do that again. I just hope it doesn't get to that point again. It often feels like I'm stuck in square one, but the only option I have right now is to try to keep fighting through the bad times as best as I can, even though the bad times can be so crappy. Despite what my mind tries to tell me, I know that I really don't want to give up on everything.

I was cleaning my room a while back and found a binder of some songs that I wrote when I was younger, about ten or eleven. I read over them, and the lyrics are absolute crap, but I found it a bit weird that I can still relate to what most of the lyrics meant. I don't think I'd ever write songs now though. As a kid I just wrote the lyrics freely without worrying about if they made sense or not. If I tried to write songs now, I think I'd tend to overthink and get frustrated about what I wanted to include in the lyrics. It'd feel more like a hassle than something I'd do for entertainment or for a sense of release. I do admire songwriters though. I like the way a lot of them can string together words so beautifully and make them flow with each other, make the person listening to the song feel something.

I'm not feeling as low at this point. I do feel a bit icky though, because of my stupid, painful "lady time of the month". I feel like if a woman's cycle ever took on a physical form and somehow magically appeared as a person, I'd throw a rotten tomato at her or something to get back at her for giving us girls all these cramps, food cravings, possible moodiness, and other symptoms of pms.

PerseverareJasmine said:

I was cleaning my room a while back and found a binder of some songs that I wrote when I was younger, about ten or eleven. I read over them, and the lyrics are absolute crap...

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I apologize, but that made me laugh, but I know what you mean. It's why I never saved any of the poems I wrote growing up, I had no confidence that they'd stand the test of time. I'd scribble them out and often burn them, so it was very self-loathing, ha ha.

As a kid I just wrote the lyrics freely without worrying about if they made sense or not. If I tried to write songs now, I think I'd tend to overthink and get frustrated about what I wanted to include in the lyrics. It'd feel more like a hassle than something I'd do for entertainment or for a sense of release...

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I read where John Lennon was talking about how artists have their best ideas oftentimes in the middle of the night, when that critical part of your mind isn't questioning everything you do. He said the song "Across The Universe" came to him that way. He just jumped up out of his sleep in the middle of the night and wrote it. I've also heard a writer say that if you're not writing by the time you're in your early 20's, then it likely won't happen, for that very reason, you can't stop criticizing everything you write down. So you're definitely not alone in feeling that way.

FountainandFairfax said:

I apologize, but that made me laugh, but I know what you mean. It's why I never saved any of the poems I wrote growing up, I had no confidence that they'd stand the test of time. I'd scribble them out and often burn them, so it was very self-loathing, ha ha.

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Its alright, they really are crappy. The only compliment I can give to the lyrics is that they all rhyme, so that should be an indication of how garbage they are .

FountainandFairfax said:

I read where John Lennon was talking about how artists have their best ideas oftentimes in the middle of the night, when that critical part of your mind isn't questioning everything you do. He said the song "Across The Universe" came to him that way. He just jumped up out of his sleep in the middle of the night and wrote it. I've also heard a writer say that if you're not writing by the time you're in your early 20's, then it likely won't happen, for that very reason, you can't stop criticizing everything you write down. So you're definitely not alone in feeling that way.

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That's interesting. I think its neat that inspiration that suddenly strikes up in a person's mind can end up being expressed through lyrics, and sometimes the song winds up being a hit. Its a pretty cool chain of events to me.

My mom is supposed to get a visit today from one of her friends that she met when we lived in Germany, Danielle. I remember talking to her a few times as a kid, and my mom had her around our apartment in Germany a lot because they were close, but I haven't seen her in person or talked to her in years. I've only seen a couple of photos of her throughout the years. My mom met up with her about two years ago and they hung out in Dallas, but I haven't seen her since I was about six. I really don't remember what she's like at all. The only clear memory I have involving her is when she was over at our apartment with her kids and she made us rice with ketchup mixed in it, pretty good actually. I have no clue why that's the only memory I have of her. I remember that I didn't have any major issues with her though, so despite my nervousness about meeting her again, it might be alright. I already know I'll be tense and hesitant towards her, I always am around people who feel like strangers to me.

My mom said she doesn't know what time she's going to be getting here. I'm already expecting the "Oh wow, I haven't seen you since you were a little girl!" and "Oh, look how much you've grown!" thing, so hopefully I won't cringe too much or do too much nervous chuckling during that. I tend to giggle too much when I'm nervous. I'll just sit there giggling and blushing while trying to think of what to say.

I hope she doesn't ask me "Do you remember me?" like some of my family members or friends of the family do when we meet after not seeing each other for a really long time. I think its worse at family reunions. A family member will walk up to me and ask "Hi Jasmine, do you remember me?" without any introduction of some sort, and I start to smile sheepishly and say "Uh, not really", while thinking in my head "Who the heck is this?" "Should I remember them?" "They are smiling and looking at me like I'm expected to know them..." "Oh crap, they looked disappointed when I told them I don't remember."

I think Danielle and my mom will probably get out and go do something anyway, maybe get drinks or watch a movie, so we might not even talk for that long. Maybe just a hi, then a short catching up, then they'll leave. I'm not sure.

So I just talked to my mom over the phone and she told me that Danielle is going to be staying here overnight, then leaving tomorrow. She said she'll probably sleep in my sister's old room. My mom told me that she's known for weeks now that she'd be visiting and staying here, so I sort of wish she would have told me a while back instead of springing it on me today, but oh well, too late now. She's not supposed to get here until around noon, so I guess that gives me some time to get my mind "prepared". I let my mom know that I really don't remember Danielle, not in a rude way, just to inform her, then my mom said "Well she remembers you, so try to act cheerful" "And don't act all shy in your own house" Um, okay.

PerseverareJasmine said:

"And don't act all shy in your own house"

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Ouch........

FountainandFairfax said:

Ouch........

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She can be insensitive towards the issues that come with anxiety. I think its because of misunderstanding it mostly.

Danielle and Alex (her seventeen year old daughter who she brought with her) left to go back home at around two p.m. They both seem to be nice people. I think I got along with them alright, but I often have these thoughts nagging me in the back of my mind that people really dislike me and are just putting on some sort of act, even if we do seem to get along pretty well. I wish I didn't think like that.

I was nervous about talking with them, but I already knew I would be. The worst point was when they called and told us they were ten minutes away from our house. I felt like I was going to throw up because of how nervous I felt. We went out to eat at a restaurant called Little Italy, which I didn't enjoy too much because I always feel self-conscious when going to eat at restaurants. Then we came back to the house and watched some t.v. Alex seemed sort of similar to me in personality, and she actually opened up to me and told me that she's had to deal with anxiety too. It was sort of interesting talking with someone face to face about our experience with it. When they left they both hugged me, the first hugs I've had in a really, really long time, so that was nice. They told us maybe we can come and visit them sometime, maybe go fishing with them. I've always wanted to go fishing, so that might be pretty neat to do if we get to.

PerseverareJasmine said:

We went out to eat at a restaurant called Little Italy, which I didn't enjoy too much because I always feel self-conscious when going to eat at restaurants.

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Why? Is it because of the other people at the restaurant?

PerseverareJasmine said:

When they left they both hugged me, the first hugs I've had in a really, really long time, so that was nice.

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I do remember you saying you're a big hug-starved, so that must've been nice to finally be embraced like that.

I'm glad it all went relatively well for you, and that you're keen to see them again.

PerseverareJasmine said:

Danielle and Alex (her seventeen year old daughter who she brought with her) left to go back home at around two p.m. They both seem to be nice people. I think I got along with them alright, but I often have these thoughts nagging me in the back of my mind that people really dislike me and are just putting on some sort of act, even if we do seem to get along pretty well. I wish I didn't think like that.

I was nervous about talking with them, but I already knew I would be. The worst point was when they called and told us they were ten minutes away from our house. I felt like I was going to throw up because of how nervous I felt. We went out to eat at a restaurant called Little Italy, which I didn't enjoy too much because I always feel self-conscious when going to eat at restaurants. Then we came back to the house and watched some t.v. Alex seemed sort of similar to me in personality, and she actually opened up to me and told me that she's had to deal with anxiety too. It was sort of interesting talking with someone face to face about our experience with it. When they left they both hugged me, the first hugs I've had in a really, really long time, so that was nice. They told us maybe we can come and visit them sometime, maybe go fishing with them. I've always wanted to go fishing, so that might be pretty neat to do if we get to.

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It sounds like you did fantastically! :thumbup:

Do they live really far? Maybe you could end up being real friends with the daughter.

MikeyC said:

Why? Is it because of the other people at the restaurant?

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Yeah, I always tense up because of the other people there, especially if its really crowded.

MikeyC said:

I do remember you saying you're a big hug-starved, so that must've been nice to finally be embraced like that.

I'm glad it all went relatively well for you, and that you're keen to see them again.

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The hugs were nice. It felt good to be able to have some after all this time. Thanks, hopefully I can see them again sometime soon.

NathanielWingatePeaslee said:

It sounds like you did fantastically! :thumbup:

Do they live really far? Maybe you could end up being real friends with the daughter.

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They only live about two hours away. They used to live in Germany, but they moved here to Texas. It'd be nice if a friendship does develop.

My dad's been surprising me with more visits lately. He's going to be staying in Michigan next month to visit his mom and sisters for a while, so its been nice getting to see him as much as I have been before he leaves. My step-brother and step-sister both live in Michigan, but I haven't seen either of them since I was a kid. I have a few old pictures of us, one with the three of us sitting down on a couch with my step-brother holding up bunny ears with his fingers behind my head, but as far as actual memories go of us hanging out together, I don't have many. I haven't seen any of my dad's side of the family in years actually. The last time I went to Detroit with him to visit was for a funeral in about 2004, and it was a really depressing trip because of the circumstances. I'm going to miss my dad while he's there, but I'm glad that he's getting the chance to go back there, since he hasn't been there in a long time and he told me he still thinks of Detroit as his home, not Texas. He says he misses the cold weather there and still hates the normally hot Texas weather. I'm definitely with him on that, its been way too hot here for me. I keep wishing for some snow, though I know its pretty impossible for that wish to come true any time soon.

I was pacing around the house earlier today, stopping from time to time to lean against a wall and sort of "sink into" my thoughts. I'm not sure why, but pacing usually helps me think more clearly about issues that I might be having, or just contemplate things that are on my mind. Somehow it makes it seem like there's less "blockage" in my mind.

I've realized lately that I have a strong tendency to feel inadequate. Well I guess I've always noticed that about me, its just been more apparent to me recently. Looking back at the times when I've shied away from people, the main reason for me doing it in most of the cases was that I felt that they deserved better. A better person to talk to, spend time with, etc. Especially when it comes to potential friendships. Whenever I can feel that a friendship might develop, my self-doubt kicks in. I basically go down the list of my faults in my mind and ask myself why would someone want someone around who has the faults that I do. Its like I don't even require someone else trash talking me in order for me to feel discouraged and put down, because my own mind does that job itself.

I don't think my feelings of inadequacy are as bad as they used to be, but they are still here, waiting to flare up when something triggers them. I'm trying to work past it though, and to remind myself of what I could possibly bring to the table when it comes to a friendship or relationship, rather than focusing on the negative aspects of myself that I feel would deter people from wanting to keep me around.