Married but wishing I had my old life back

I've just started married life properly for about 3 weeks and I'm wishing I had my old life back.

My wife's looking to me to go out, be sociable and show her the sights of the area but I'm hesitant to do so. Part of this is the fact that for four years I've become anxious and to the point I don't do anything, even on my days off, prefer to stay at home. All my life this has meant I don't know anything about tasks that are so easy for people, such as getting the shopping in or ordering meats. Plus my driving anxiety means I don't have a car, unlikely to get one or know how to get one and so I don't have the ability to ask for things, namely a lift.

Now, I think well work should help distract me but I get anxious there as well! But it's better than being at home. Plus, in my life when I wasn't married, I had these fixations with pretty girls I'd see in and around work and even being married, find it hard to not want to see them.

Bottom line is I'm longing for my old life. My wife doesn't know the ins and outs of my anxiety, my fears although I mentioned to her in an email about suffering from anxiety/depression since 2011.

I just wish I was on my own and I don't have confidence I can fulfill the expectations of marriage.

Time to get out of your comfort zone and live.

You two need to talk. Otherwise you might start to resent your wife.

How does one meet a woman, do all the necessary social rituals and get married yet have social anxiety to the point here their anxiety prevents them from basically going anywhere?what did you two do together on dates and stuff like that, just hang out at home..?

You definitely need to talk to her

Sacrament said:

Time to get out of your comfort zone and live.

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Lol as if it's that easy

Sacrament said:

Time to get out of your comfort zone and live.

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Yup, I'll do that tomorrow....

bsammy said:

How does one meet a woman, do all the necessary social rituals and get married yet have social anxiety to the point here their anxiety prevents them from basically going anywhere?what did you two do together on dates and stuff like that, just hang out at home..?

You definitely need to talk to her

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I guess the traditional dates etc was difficult in our case as we had an arranged marriage being from a South Asian culture. So we didn't have that sort development in our relationship.

bsammy said:

Lol as if it's that easy

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I never said it was, but if you live your life in your comfort zone, you're not really living. I've 'had to' go to dinners and other social things with my girlfriend, even an event which was mostly dancing, and I still challenged myself to go and look at the positives.

I think you should be honest with her about what you've been going through.

It's not something that you can hide indefinitely, so you might as well tell her now because it's going to come up.

I mean, it's a marriage-- it's supposed to be for life.

SilentAndShy said:

I guess the traditional dates etc was difficult in our case as we had an arranged marriage being from a South Asian culture. So we didn't have that sort development in our relationship.

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If you don't mind me asking, but how did you decide to get your marriage arranged? I assume your parents played a role? Do they know about your anxiety issues? Unfortunately our issues don't go away by getting married. Sometimes ones parents can think, all you need is a change of circumstances and you'll be just like everyone else.

I do agree with everyone else that you have to talk to your wife and be completely honest with her. The quicker you do it, the better.

Oh wow I didnt know people still arranged marriages. I was also trying to figure out how you even got into that particular situation. Not sure whether to call that a good thing or bad.

If I were you I'd do one of two things. I'd go with Sacrament, and try to push myself out of my comfort zone and be the person I think your wife thinks you are, someone who is ok with going out, showing her around town, having friends and introducing her to them, and all this other stuff that hasn't been easy for you in the past.

If that's too much, and it's not something you think you can do, I'd do as Odo suggested, and be honest about it with her. I think you should be honest anyways, be especially so in this situation, as if she constantly is asking to go out, and you are constantly refusing, she is going to wonder why. I'm not quite sure how arranged marriages work, but if it's a marriage and you two want to make it work, you definitely have to communicate, and trust her to listen and understand when you tell her. She's not a mind reader, she can't just know how hard it is for you to do these things she's asking.

I know you're hesitant to do these things, getting out of your comfort zone is hard, it's not something that's fixed overnight by a marriage. If I was in your shoes, I'd really try to push myself though. I'd tell her I have a really hard time with these things, but I know it's important to you so I'm going to try to do them. That way she understands where I'm coming from, while also knowing I'm doing my best to make her happy.

I hope it works out for you, however things end up.

I'd have to agree with Sacrament. The fear of failure shouldn't hold you back from getting what you want in life....from achieving happiness. Work on overcoming these fears at your own pace. I mean, how old are you and you're too anxious to get out of the house and drive? You're an adult, aren't you? Sorry I sound so judgmental, but it's time to face your fears. You can't run away forever.

It sounds like your SA has crippled your life.

Do you love your wife? Do you want to be happy WITH her?

Then do something about it! This is a time in your life where you have the opportunity to actually do something for yourself and in turn, your wife. You and your wife NEED to talk, openly and honestly about your SA.

Chances are she will not be happy living the life of a hermit. That doesn't mean you have to become a social butterfly, there are many things you two can enjoy together without being part of the normal social scene.

Don't let SA ruin your whole damn life man! As Sacrement said, you will have to get uncomfortable to make things better.

SilentAndShy said:

I've just started married life properly for about 3 weeks and I'm wishing I had my old life back.

My wife's looking to me to go out, be sociable and show her the sights of the area but I'm hesitant to do so. Part of this is the fact that for four years I've become anxious and to the point I don't do anything, even on my days off, prefer to stay at home. All my life this has meant I don't know anything about tasks that are so easy for people, such as getting the shopping in or ordering meats. Plus my driving anxiety means I don't have a car, unlikely to get one or know how to get one and so I don't have the ability to ask for things, namely a lift.

Now, I think well work should help distract me but I get anxious there as well! But it's better than being at home. Plus, in my life when I wasn't married, I had these fixations with pretty girls I'd see in and around work and even being married, find it hard to not want to see them.

Bottom line is I'm longing for my old life. My wife doesn't know the ins and outs of my anxiety, my fears although I mentioned to her in an email about suffering from anxiety/depression since 2011.

I just wish I was on my own and I don't have confidence I can fulfill the expectations of marriage.

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Just try for her a little bit , but your going to have to explain something to her about her it. Just don't not do it. These things take time though.

Just responding to the general theme re: talking to my wife.

I’ve mentioned my anxiety and depression in one of our email chats but she didn’t really pick up on it in the way I thought, and wanted, her to. I find it difficult expressing it because we’re both in the middle in terms of communication. I can’t speak my mother tongue, which she can very well. I can speak English and she is kinda ok, but not fluent. Maybe I could find some app that I could write it in our mother tongue language and that might help?

planemo said:

If you don't mind me asking, but how did you decide to get your marriage arranged? I assume your parents played a role? Do they know about your anxiety issues? Unfortunately our issues don't go away by getting married. Sometimes ones parents can think, all you need is a change of circumstances and you'll be just like everyone else.

I do agree with everyone else that you have to talk to your wife and be completely honest with her. The quicker you do it, the better.

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My parents had their designs on me marrying my wife for a long time. I was refusing for a while then at some point, due to my lack of options owing to my no-confidence with girls, I thought what the hey, just do it and see where things take you. My parents know that I was going through a depressive phase few years ago but they don’t know about my anxiety and how much it affects in my day-to-day life.

DanielLewis said:

I mean, how old are you and you're too anxious to get out of the house and drive? You're an adult, aren't you? Sorry I sound so judgmental, but it's time to face your fears. You can't run away forever.

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I would do that in a flash but when you’ve had bad experiences behind the wheel, including embarrassing ones in front of family add to that general no knowledge on cars and thinking negative things then it’s not as easy as you might think.

PugofCrydee said:

Do you love your wife? Do you want to be happy WITH her?

Chances are she will not be happy living the life of a hermit. That doesn't mean you have to become a social butterfly, there are many things you two can enjoy together without being part of the normal social scene.

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We’re in the early days of marriage so I guess it’s difficult to say the word love – I’ve never experienced it. I’d like to be happy but I doubt whether I can remain faithful and learn to lower my gaze when in the presence of other women. But I will try!

Good luck, S&S. I couldn't imagine being in your shoes. My last relationship crashed and burned spectacularly because of my Social Anxiety problems.

I know you say your parents aren't aware of your specific issues, but they should've at least known you weren't up to this. Marriage is a huge deal! It sounds to me like you've been thrown into the deep-end and are suddenly expected to know how to swim.

And Daniel, no offense, but you're lecturing Silent on irrational fears and I just saw you in another thread talking about demon possessed pizzas! :bigsmile:

DanielLewis said:

I'd have to agree with Sacrament. The fear of failure shouldn't hold you back from getting what you want in life....from achieving happiness. Work on overcoming these fears at your own pace. I mean, how old are you and you're too anxious to get out of the house and drive? You're an adult, aren't you? Sorry I sound so judgmental, but it's time to face your fears. You can't run away forever

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I think more than simply a fear of failure, its fear of "DISASTER" (such as MAJOR bad feelings) thats more the issue - and that is my main hindrance in life also. I avoid evrything as I KNOW that it ALMOST ALWAYS ends in MAJOR SH*T for me. So its only logical to want to avoid that major suffering, which when i do AVOID such drama, i label myself as "HAPPY" (or as happy as i can reasonably be anyway, in spite of my "issues").

SilentAndShy said:

Yup, I'll do that tomorrow....



I guess the traditional dates etc was difficult in our case as we had an arranged marriage being from a South Asian culture. So we didn't have that sort development in our relationship.

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Ahh now it makes sense but yes now you will definitely have to talk to her about your issues..I assume it was somewhat mandatory for you to get married or why else did you choose it as you had to know the social problems you'd face..

planemo said:

If you don't mind me asking, but how did you decide to get your marriage arranged? I assume your parents played a role? Do they know about your anxiety issues? Unfortunately our issues don't go away by getting married. Sometimes ones parents can think, all you need is a change of circumstances and you'll be just like everyone else.

I do agree with everyone else that you have to talk to your wife and be completely honest with her. The quicker you do it, the better.

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Ahh yes I've been somewhat forced into social situations by peers or family with their thinking that I would change afterwards..this can be disastrous with an avoidant person, it can and will backfire in many cases

SilentAndShy said:

We’re in the early days of marriage so I guess it’s difficult to say the word love – I’ve never experienced it. I’d like to be happy but I doubt whether I can remain faithful and learn to lower my gaze when in the presence of other women. But I will try!

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Dang well I guess its a bad thing then. I was thinking that maybe it was good to have it arranged since men with SA can get the short end of the stick in dating and you kinda just had a wife handed your way. But if you dont feel anything then youre just trapped in a life long contract with fear of dishonoring your family as insurance.