A little problem :(

[Smudgo]

Hi,

I really appreciate sites like this who are trying to help people ... I will try and explain my story as i am a caring person who wants to help.

I met a girl that i went out with about 5 months ago (she asked her friend to ask me out) and it was my first serious relationship (I am 16 she is 17). Erm to be fair we had a rocky start as i realised she was different from most girls in a good sense. She was sooo friendly and was never ever bad to me. I realised though that she had a problem with trust as she was in a bad relationship before...i understood that and moved on. She doesnt like meeting new people much and the symptoms of APD relate exactly to hers.

We have split up a few months ago mainly because she wasn't telling me how she felt ... I realised the mistake i made and i really want to get back together with her. She knows this and accoring to one of her friends she doesnt know what to feel about me...sometimes she avoids me now if i say somehting to her. I think she still likes me and im not sure if i should just give her time to think and let her get trust for me? Because she dont trust any guys I really want to help and i care for her so much that she dont know...but i know she finds it easier being alone. I dont think thats what she wants though.

Please some help on this matter would be a big help to me thanks!

 

[Thelema]

She knows how you feel about her so give her some space. You have to wait for her to make a decision and you can't force her.

 

[Skog]

I think she still likes me and im not sure if i should just give her time to think and let her get trust for me?

I don't think you should give her too much space. While you may need time for her to regain trust in you, if she has AvPD, she isn't going to initiate the re-establishing of a relationship. You should keep creating opportunities for her to be around you or do things with you and make her feel comfortable that you want to be with her when she is ready.

 

[Smudgo]

I think she still likes me and im not sure if i should just give her time to think and let her get trust for me?

I don't think you should give her too much space. While you may need time for her to regain trust in you, if she has AvPD, she isn't going to initiate the re-establishing of a relationship. You should keep creating opportunities for her to be around you or do things with you and make her feel comfortable that you want to be with her when she is ready.

Yeah i know before we split up i was around at her house nearly every day and i think she was wanting to build up trust or something. I do want to create opportunities but sometimes i feel im just stalking her or something or putting too much pressure onto her.

 

[Warlock]

When I was with my ex-girlfriend, she complained that I didn't tell her how I felt. I shouldn't have told her anything because it just made her worry, but its too late and doesn't matter now.


Anyway, if she does have Avoidant personality disorder, then she fear rejection, embarrasment, and criticism. My advice to you is to make it clear to her that you have not rejected her, that you are not rejecting her, and that you want to be with her. I think the trust thing is a manifestation of her disorder. She may not trust boys, and I wouldn't trust them either, but either you trust them or you don't and you want a boyfriend or you don't. She might be saying she doesn't trust you because she is rejecting you before you can reject her. Shes scared of rejection. She might not even be thinking of it in the terms of rejecting you before you can reject her.


Now, I don't know the situation, so don't trust any of the advice I gave you because you know what its like much much better than I do. I have almost no idea except for what you wrote. If the advice seems right then take it at your own risk, but if it seems wrong in any way, then ignore what I said.

 

[Smudgo]

When I was with my ex-girlfriend, she complained that I didn't tell her how I felt. I shouldn't have told her anything because it just made her worry, but its too late and doesn't matter now.


Anyway, if she does have Avoidant personality disorder, then she fear rejection, embarrasment, and criticism. My advice to you is to make it clear to her that you have not rejected her, that you are not rejecting her, and that you want to be with her. I think the trust thing is a manifestation of her disorder. She may not trust boys, and I wouldn't trust them either, but either you trust them or you don't and you want a boyfriend or you don't. She might be saying she doesn't trust you because she is rejecting you before you can reject her. Shes scared of rejection. She might not even be thinking of it in the terms of rejecting you before you can reject her.


Now, I don't know the situation, so don't trust any of the advice I gave you because you know what its like much much better than I do. I have almost no idea except for what you wrote. If the advice seems right then take it at your own risk, but if it seems wrong in any way, then ignore what I said.

Thanks for your advice i really appreciate it. I think she prefers being alone sometimes but i really hope that she wants to be with me and stuff. Your post makes a lot of sense to me ... a lot. A lot of it relates to what her character is like. I am just worried that in case i tell her how i feel that i will lose her as a friend and she will then avoid me? She knows i still like her off her friend but maybe she thinks different otherwise?

Maybe i could tell her how i feel and say whatever happens i really just want to stay friends if she would prefer that? We did have some problems in our short relationship maybe she is worrying about them too and doesnt want a boyfriend? I am just confused

 

[Warlock]

Definately tell her how you feel. You'll be kicking yourself later if you don't.

 

[Smudgo]

Thank you. I am going to send her an email...she will feel too awkward face to face. I need to know if i will be rejected cause i cant keep going on like this wondering if she likes me or not. I would do face to face but she is avoiding me.

 

[Smudgo]

Erm well i sent her an email and she said she dont want to get into another relationship cause of school and stuff :S

She started talking to me on msn as if nothing had happened and i said im sorry if im not talkative. She then went offline. I sent an email saying how i still want to be friends but i will just need some time and it is nothing to do with her it is just me.

Do you think she will be hurt by this? I didnt mean it to hurt her...

 

[Erythrocyte]

8O I've had that experience...It's eerie how similar it is.. though I don't think I have AvPD... but I do have SA/SP and trust issues, does that count? :lol:
I reject guys before they can reject me and for what it's worth, this is how I see it...

Erm well i sent her an email and she said she dont want to get into another relationship cause of school and stuff :S

I have used that line. I guess what I was trying to get across in some twisted way, was that I liked the guy, but my SA and trust issues were preventing me from telling him the truth (that I liked him, but felt I wasn't quite ready to let him in, even though I wanted to)...

She started talking to me on msn as if nothing had happened and i said im sorry if im not talkative. She then went offline.

By pretending nothing happened but still talking to the guy on msn, I was trying to tell him; "Yeah I like you and want to be friends (at least), I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings face to face, sometimes it's better to talk on msn, and I have to be in a certain mood to be able to talk about my feelings."
My guy brushed me off saying he was busy or something and didn't feel like talking..... so I blocked him making him think I was offline. I just felt too vulnerable to talk to him, because I started the conversation (took the first step in communicating with him, and therefore opened myself up a little bit) and he just gave me the cold shoulder (so I shut down)...

I sent an email saying how i still want to be friends but i will just need some time and it is nothing to do with her it is just me.
Do you think she will be hurt by this? I didnt mean it to hurt her...

My guy never sent me an email, but if I had gotten one saying something like what yours said (I obviously don't know how the whole letter was) ... I think it all depends on the mood I was in when I got the letter..

Scenario 1. I would think "Erm..sure lets JUST be friends and nothing more (pissed off).. you can just have all the time in the world...see if I care..... I am sooo over you" (I say to myself, but don't always believe it)...

Scenario 2. I would be deeply dissapointed in the guy and mostly in myself, for "blowing" everything... Feeling like a total failure, thinking I don't deserve any male attention. I would be hurt and withdrawn around the guy and basically back to square one (the wall between us is back up)

Scenario 3. Believe what the guy says in his email, and give him the time he needs. (rare in my case, only happens when I'm feeling self confident)


NOTE: we all know (hopefully ) that you can't put all women in the same category. Just cause I reacted in this way and did what I did, doesn't necessarily mean she is the same...
IF and only IF she is like me, then there is almost no way she will at her own accord tell you she wants to be your girlfriend, even if that is exactly what she wants, you have to be the one who takes a chance and tell her how you feel about her, honestly. If you want her, then you have to let her know you want her, then give her some time to let it sink in. Give her time, but don't let her forget that you are there for her (if that is the case. If you think she is to much trouble, then the sooner you let her go, the better). When you feel she might be starting to believe that you truly like her, and if the mood is right, then slowly but surely make your move.
Basically make sure she knows you are her friend and will always be no matter what, and that you are open to the possibility of something more.
Make her feel secure. (at least try your best)
If you love her, then you'll wait for her.
If you love her, you'll want what is best for her.

I understand you are only 16 and all this might just sound crazy....
but then again, I don't know the full dynamic of the situation.
I might just be rambeling on and on and this might not be helpful at all...
This is just from my point of view, being a single, lonely, distrusting, SA/SP, 22 year old female who has ruined her share of potential relationships... :roll:

 

[Quixote]

we all know (hopefully ) that you can't put all women in the same category. Just cause I reacted in this way and did what I did, doesn't necessarily mean she is the same...

Really? Reading your very comprehensive description of female behaviour relative to these matters, I had this distinct feeling of being in front of something that applies generally to all people of the opposite sex, at least as far as my very limited experience goes..

If you love her, then you'll wait for her.
If you love her, you'll want what is best for her.

True. And furthermore we have to wait for as much as they deem necessary, and never be impatient, we have to tolerate the continuous risk of rejection, unanswered phone calls or messages, we have to excuse the most capricious behaviour, fulfill all sorts of requests, be caring but never needy, be ready to listen to problems but never expect the slightest understanding for ours. Always give, give, give...

I don't know, perhaps the majority of guys have been equipped by nature with the emotional means to deal with all this. It must be so. But for me, and I suppose for a lot of those guys facing the problem of SA, it can be so hard and painful.. to the point that one sometimes can't help but feeling nothing but bitterness towards all people belonging to the female gender.
Which is quite stupid and unproductive...but then, so are the majority of human feelings anyway

 

[Erythrocyte]

As I said, I am single, and reading this stupid crap I just wrote, anyone can imagine why... :roll:
I don’t actually expect the guy to just give, give, give without getting something from me instead... I think it would help with the trust issue if a guy did that, made me feel secure..
I want to give, give, give... my love, my trust and much much more to someone... (yes, I know all of us do)
I don’t want to be like this, rejecting good people just so I can do it to them before they do it to me.. I hate this and I don’t know what to do...
Men have the advantage over women, that their moods don’t swing everytime there is a full moon :roll: . I sometimes wish I was a man so I wouldn’t have to deal with all the hormonal crap....
I don’t know, maybe all women are crazy and stupid... I’m tired of playing the endless gender game of “you have it better” and “we are better then you”...
I thought for a second my ramble made some sence, and would maybe help smudgo and this girl he was talking about... Maybe I'm just stateing the obvious...
I don't know... now I feel hyper sensitive, stupid and useless...

 

[Quixote]

I don’t know, maybe all women are crazy and stupid... I’m tired of playing the endless gender game of “you have it better” and “we are better then you”...

And I don't wish to play it either, as I agree it's a patently silly one. But I just wanted to point out that we too, sometimes, have mood swings, feel hypersensitive or vulnerable, and we too feel hurt when we are rejected. Girls/women seem sometimes to assume that they have a sort of monopoly over emotions, which is quite wrong. What is different is that we don't show our feelings and weaknesses and needs that much, but it doesn't mean we don't have them. We are forced to keep everything inside, because we know it perfectly well that there is no hope of receiving much support or understanding as far these matters are concerned.
Note that I'm not expecting that this should change in any way.. I suppose it's the way things are, I just had a moment of slight resentment while reading that post, and felt like sharing it. If not here, where else...

I thought for a second my ramble made some sence, and would maybe help smudgo and this girl he was talking about...

I think your description/analysis made perfect sense, was well written, and probably helpful as well, at least it seemed so to me as I'm not the person to whom it was directed in the first place..

 

[Smudgo]

Thank you for your replies appreciate it I understand what your saying Quixote and i know how thats sometimes hwo she reacts. She thought to her friend that i had fell out with her so i had to clear things up (using her friend as a messnger that is)

I basically said that i need time to just go back to try and not be so overly in love with her and just be friends. I hope shes not in a bad mood though cause she hasn't been on ... or maybe she is just giving me time? She really wants to get to trust me i think as shes really scared about losing me as a friend when she thought i had fallen out with her she was overtalkative as if in an attempt to stay friends?

I don't know really but i know one thing i will never have bitterness towards her. I am really trying and even for 16 i am an emotional , secure and caring character well at least i would hope so. But i need to know that i have a chance with her because maybe she doesn't want to go out with me but just be friends? She seems like she wants to trust me and stuff. And in that email i did tell her how i feel...maybe i will jsut give it time.

Thanks for your help gals and guys

 

[XxXnikkiXxX]

hiya

well i mean, she probs dont wanna get back with u out of principle. i mean inless its love, generally women dont get back with a guy coz they think well didnt want me before, u cant have me now! same with guys reallly, i mean it dont apply if u love eachther, coz if u love eachother then petty pride dont matter. but generally it does... she probs will wanna be a friend, jsut not a close one, like an aquantence? i could be wrong, but thats generally the score with relationships at ur age. but mingle, and move on, ul meet over girls, ur 16, u need experience different types of girls to understand what ur looking for later in life long term!
god luck anyways xxx

 

[Smudgo]

I thought that but i wasnt sure because she has APD that things might be different? Such as trust issues and stuff for not wanting to go back into a relationship. I genuinly dont think she wants in another relationship but when she talks to me she just seems to light up like her whole character and stuff.

I dunno maybe its just first love syndrome from my part

 

[Smudgo]

OK well for tall those that have helped me out thanks, just an update i am going to try and forget about her because i genuinly do love her but i cant keep going on like this. It is bad for me and i think about her far too much every day and its eating me alive. It has gradually gotten worse and worse and now i just really need to take a stand.

Its gonna be tough tho

 

[frustr4t3d]

xx

 

[Skog]

http://groups.msn.com/AvoidantPersonalityGroup/messageboard.msnw
It seems like most of the users there are 'older' and . . .

Hey, I post there (and I am older).
Try this site, it's got quite a mix of ages and an active posting subscribership.
http://psychforums.com/viewforum.php?f=137

 

[Kinetik]

OK well for tall those that have helped me out thanks, just an update i am going to try and forget about her because i genuinly do love her but i cant keep going on like this. It is bad for me and i think about her far too much every day and its eating me alive. It has gradually gotten worse and worse and now i just really need to take a stand.

Its gonna be tough tho

Hey, I read the whole story concerning you and this girl, thanks for sharing. Try and think of it like even if you are able to somehow batter those walls down, she's probably in too much of a state to be able to give. It's unlikely that it will be rewarding for you no matter what happens and because of her reluctance to give in, you'll forever be yearning for more. It's a very unsatisfying situation, I know because I've totally been there. All you can do is back right off and give it time. I've been in circumstances very similar to this, and the girl in question actually came chasing after me once I totally let it go. So just try to get on with life - experience different things and people like Nikki said. Do this convincingly enough and she might well wonder what's going on with you and get that jealous streak going - perhaps to the point of wanting an encore. You never know.