Anonymous
Well-known member
I have no idea why (unless it turns out that I'm bipolar, LOL), but this morning I woke up in an unusually good mood. I felt happy depite my problems. I felt hopeful about the future. I felt slightly confident. I actually slightly socialized with some coworkers before work (while scrunching up my toes HARD as an inivisible counter-irritant to cope with the anxiety 
). Now that I think about it some of this mood may be due to the efforts I've made recently in forcing myself to talk to more people, writing to some girls online that I found interesting , and making myself make eye contact with people I pass by, rather then stare at the ground between my shoes.
I've been noticing somthing. I've noticed it before but, like the depth and delusion of my SA etc., I never really let it get through my head (or took it to heart) until extrememly recently. That thing is: MANy if not MOST people don't make eye contact! Or say "hello", even if I say it first! Or notice or acknowledge the existence of others in any way! And no, they're NOT only like that with ME! (which I always assumed...)
Total strangers, persons you know by sight, coworkers-- lots of all of these types of folks do it. I don't know if it's because they're anxious, or don't want to be bothered, or what. But it also isn't that noticeable or odd-seeming. Many of us probably seem more normal to others than we think.
Another cool thing I've learned through this eye-contact experiment-- when you actually look at people (instead of your shoes), it's easier to notice if they're friendly or not. If they've noticed you or not. If they've said "hi" or not. As I was leaving the cafeteria just now a rather pretty girl (who also looks like "my type" LOL) walked in, glanced at me the way one would check for obstacles in their path, and then oh so quickly averted her eyes... and then looked back up directly at me with the vaguest hint of being pleased on her face, right before she vanished around the corner.
OK, OK, so I totally forgot to smile. And I had to get right back to my desk. But still!
I think we believe we are obviously defective because we feel that way-- then act that way. As uncomfortable as it is (I still have to be alone to recharge!! I'll never get over that though), ignoring the feelings and just doing, not thinking, seems to result in others not noticing your oddness... and just noticing *you*. I know you've heard this before, and so have I, but now it's like I really know it, and have started to take it to heart... the fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy-- avoid life cuz it sucks, life sucks when it's being avoided, so avoid it... the vicious cycle.
I know I go on too long, sorry... but I'm gonna ride the happy wave for as long as I can!! Recall that I wanted to jump off a bridge *just last week*. But now just fully realizing that "I have disorder(s)" rather than "I'm just a useless freak" has been a big boost. I can't change who I am; I can do something about a disorder.
). Now that I think about it some of this mood may be due to the efforts I've made recently in forcing myself to talk to more people, writing to some girls online that I found interesting , and making myself make eye contact with people I pass by, rather then stare at the ground between my shoes. I've been noticing somthing. I've noticed it before but, like the depth and delusion of my SA etc., I never really let it get through my head (or took it to heart) until extrememly recently. That thing is: MANy if not MOST people don't make eye contact! Or say "hello", even if I say it first! Or notice or acknowledge the existence of others in any way! And no, they're NOT only like that with ME! (which I always assumed...)
Total strangers, persons you know by sight, coworkers-- lots of all of these types of folks do it. I don't know if it's because they're anxious, or don't want to be bothered, or what. But it also isn't that noticeable or odd-seeming. Many of us probably seem more normal to others than we think.
Another cool thing I've learned through this eye-contact experiment-- when you actually look at people (instead of your shoes), it's easier to notice if they're friendly or not. If they've noticed you or not. If they've said "hi" or not. As I was leaving the cafeteria just now a rather pretty girl (who also looks like "my type" LOL) walked in, glanced at me the way one would check for obstacles in their path, and then oh so quickly averted her eyes... and then looked back up directly at me with the vaguest hint of being pleased on her face, right before she vanished around the corner.
OK, OK, so I totally forgot to smile.
And I had to get right back to my desk. But still!I think we believe we are obviously defective because we feel that way-- then act that way. As uncomfortable as it is (I still have to be alone to recharge!! I'll never get over that though), ignoring the feelings and just doing, not thinking, seems to result in others not noticing your oddness... and just noticing *you*. I know you've heard this before, and so have I, but now it's like I really know it, and have started to take it to heart... the fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy-- avoid life cuz it sucks, life sucks when it's being avoided, so avoid it... the vicious cycle.
I know I go on too long, sorry... but I'm gonna ride the happy wave for as long as I can!!
Recall that I wanted to jump off a bridge *just last week*. But now just fully realizing that "I have disorder(s)" rather than "I'm just a useless freak" has been a big boost. I can't change who I am; I can do something about a disorder.
