a rant, feel free not to read if you hate these

[Chilling__Echo]

i don't know if i've straight up ranted on this board yet, probably have and just don't realise it. usually i try and stay positive but this morning has just been hell over nothing! absolutely nothing. i go to class and have to ask my teacher a question (who is a grad student) and the whole class period i'm needing to ask him a really stupid question and i'm telling myself that i shouldn't i'm going to sound retarded. the answer is obvious blah blah blah

so i ask him. and he gives me the very look i was afraid of. the look of "are you really that stupid?"

i hate it when things like that happen. it's like you know that they will, you don't know when, but then they do happen and it's like "ok, it's over, i don't have to worry about it until it happens again". like we're due for a certain amont of shit moments and we constantly wait for the next one.

i couldn't stand walking back to class. i wish i could get the thoughts out of my head! i've only felt that way about SA related thoughts and i really wish i could just erase my brain sometimes. after that normal things like people looking me in the eye on the way back to my dorm drive me insane. i can't stand it. i just want to scream at them "don't you even try and see what i'm thinking about, you wouldn't want to know, nor would you understand and you'd probably laugh at me" when i know that they don't care, they probably just got tired of looking at trees and had no where else to look.

i let something so irrational get my panties all in a wad. well anyway, sorry to add yet another rant to this board. but i had to get this out of my head. i feel like if i left it there it would start rotting, like everything else that comes with this disorder...

 

[Dedication]

Sorry you had such a bad day, Chilling_Echo. I know exactly how you feel. I recently realized something about myself, however, that admittedly didn't make me really happy...but it made things a little clearer.

One day at work I was almost knocked over by a moment of clarity (believe me that doesn't happen too often). I realized, at that moment, that I'm not all that bright. Not in an "I'm feeling sorry for myself" kind of way but in a "hmmm, that's interesting" kind of way. This realization allowed me to try not to be so perfect all the time...allowed me to let my many imperfections show...to be able to ask what I thought were stupid questions...to be able to accept criticism...all without feeling as bad as it used to make me feel.

Now you seem to be extremely bright...so I'm not too sure where I'm going with this...but I think if we all make an effort to remind ourselves that it's okay not to try to be so perfect all the time it might help us cope a little better.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

xabbyx, thanks, the encouragement helps. most of the time if feel like i'm on top of it. but then it's like it gathers it's strengh and comes back and knocks me over. tee hee, for all you lord of the rings people, for some reason anxiety in physical form resenbles the tree people :roll:

Dedication, haha this makes me laugh. i take myself way too seriously. thanks also. i'm ok with criticism too (most of it i guess, i like to think i am!) but not with my own. but yeah, alot of people say that SA is about pride and i guess they're right. sometimes the best thing to do is to put it away so it isn't stepped on :lol:

i went to sleep for another two hours and skipped my other class. it felt so nice! luckily there's spring break next week (woo) so maybe this will be short lived

 

[JWH]

I always say stupid things. My logic is utterly twisted - "you're good at cutting bread because you're good at math" sort of thing. Yes, I actually said that. I think people have sort of accepted my logic or strange ways of saying things, or I just don't notice the looks anymore.

You just see things differently, that's all.