Helyna
Well-known member
http://www.arcamax.com/pic/61985/892305
This is me.
This must have been going on my whole life, and I've recognized that I do it, but I've only just noticed in the past few weeks how strange it is. I think it partly came from a joke my mother has. If we predict that something will happen, she says, "Well, now that you've said it, it won't." (And now that I've said that, it will. And now that I've said THAT, it won't....) There's truth in it. Things never happen exactly how you imagine. Still, it's a joke. But something in me actually believes it.
I must have been six or seven when my parents started allowing my brother to babysit me. It seems like this memory is from earlier than that, though, so maybe I did it even when we had an older babysitter. I recall lying in bed one night when my parents were out, staring at my closet door, and thinking about the possibility of there being a fire in the house that night because if I thought it, it wouldn't happen. That's the earliest time I can remember.
This is a habit. When I really don't want something to happen, I think about it. When I really want something to happen, I try to not imagine it. The second might be good, because I'd drive myself crazy with possibilities of something good and then be disappointed, but still, you can see that I'm directing my thoughts in a negative direction. I basically try to will things to happen. As if there was some divine being listening to my thoughts and forming the world around what I think. The day I really realized what I was doing, I had been forcing myself to worry throughout the school day about something that might happen that day or the next day. I really didn't want it to happen that day, so I kept thinking about it. I didn't allow myself to relax all day. It felt pretty awful. (It didn't happen that day. Or the next, when I wanted it to. I blamed that on the fact that I didn't worry about the possibility of it not happening the next day. >_< )
It's not like I feel like something is forcing me to, like I can't help it, which is what most anxiety disorders do. I feel like I continuously, freely make the choice to worry because I believe it will help. This is so STUPID, but I can't get it into my head that nothing will change due to what I'm thinking!!!
This is me.
This must have been going on my whole life, and I've recognized that I do it, but I've only just noticed in the past few weeks how strange it is. I think it partly came from a joke my mother has. If we predict that something will happen, she says, "Well, now that you've said it, it won't." (And now that I've said that, it will. And now that I've said THAT, it won't....) There's truth in it. Things never happen exactly how you imagine. Still, it's a joke. But something in me actually believes it.
I must have been six or seven when my parents started allowing my brother to babysit me. It seems like this memory is from earlier than that, though, so maybe I did it even when we had an older babysitter. I recall lying in bed one night when my parents were out, staring at my closet door, and thinking about the possibility of there being a fire in the house that night because if I thought it, it wouldn't happen. That's the earliest time I can remember.
This is a habit. When I really don't want something to happen, I think about it. When I really want something to happen, I try to not imagine it. The second might be good, because I'd drive myself crazy with possibilities of something good and then be disappointed, but still, you can see that I'm directing my thoughts in a negative direction. I basically try to will things to happen. As if there was some divine being listening to my thoughts and forming the world around what I think. The day I really realized what I was doing, I had been forcing myself to worry throughout the school day about something that might happen that day or the next day. I really didn't want it to happen that day, so I kept thinking about it. I didn't allow myself to relax all day. It felt pretty awful. (It didn't happen that day. Or the next, when I wanted it to. I blamed that on the fact that I didn't worry about the possibility of it not happening the next day. >_< )
It's not like I feel like something is forcing me to, like I can't help it, which is what most anxiety disorders do. I feel like I continuously, freely make the choice to worry because I believe it will help. This is so STUPID, but I can't get it into my head that nothing will change due to what I'm thinking!!!
I made an effort not to think and worry about anything and it has worked. But only because I don't have the immediate pressure of having to seek a job. I'm doing nothing at the moment except going to my psychiatrist. As soon as I have to seek a job I will feel totally miserable again.