Agoraphobics worst nightmare come true.

[Truthor]

Years ago, I developed agoraphobia after a bout of prolonged illness, which then led to depression and anxiety. At one time I couldn't go 100 yards from my house without feeling panicked and needing to come home. Gradually I started to push my boundaries further and further, gradually adjusting to being further and further away. Gradually getting more confident. It got to the point where I was comfortably able to travel anywhere and although the getting there was difficult, I'd developed coping techniques and effectively cured my agoraphobia. It took me years of hard work and extreme effort, but I did it.

I went from being a shut in, to a guy who could go anywhere and I was back at work doing an extremely stressful job, and coping fantastically with it, as well as doing stuff musically which involved touring.

A couple of years ago though, I met a woman who was in the UK visiting from America. We got on like a house on fire and we fell for each other in a big way. I wasn't concerned about the fact that if I got into a relationship with her I'd need to fly there to visit or whatever, because I felt like I could overcome anything. Flying was just the last thing on my list to check off.

I won't bore you all with the intimate details, but to cut a very long story short, she didn't turn out who she pretended to be. Shes betrayed me multiple times, manipulated me (in some of the scariest ways you can imagine) lied to me, cheated on me. done some more betraying, some more manipulating, then a whole bunch more lying. The irony is, I got her pregnant very early on, so I stuck things out with her. Gradually as time went on, with her screwing with my emotions all the time, and treating me like dirt, I started to slip into a depression again. I pleaded with her to stop and said what she was doing to me. It didn't matter though, the stuff she did was a perpetual onslaught till eventually I had a mental meltdown. I ended up completely unable to function, and from that I've suffered an agoraphobic relapse.

Heres where things get really hard though. I'm still with this woman (largely be cause she has my daughter) and I want to be a part of her life more than anything. But I'm being told that I NEED TO IMMIGRATE!!!!!!!

How in the hell is an agoraphobic supposed to immigrate to another country? She accepts no responsibility for my relapse, offers no sympathy or compassion, she throws it in my face infact, and uses it to make me feel guilty. I've tried to get there in the time since she's been gone, and I've spent a fortune in doing so, but I just can't do it, because I'm so worn out emotionally. I've absolutely no strength left to do it, and I've noticed that everytime I try to fly, the area in which I feel safe in gets smaller. It's making my agoraphobia worse.

So now I'm left with the choice of, stay here and lose my little girl forever, which doesn't even bear thinking about, or immigrate to another country, when at this point in time I struggle to travel 50 miles by car, let alone 5000 by plane.

I am so screwed

I have a another flight booked for 3 weeks time, but I've honestly no idea how to mentally prepare myself in 3 weeks time.

 

[PunkRotten]

You can do it trust me. The part I'd be a little worried about is how would you manage once you are in the US? That woman sounds really awful. I knew a girl like this once and she did almost the same to me. Good Luck

 

[Truthor]

Yeah how I'm going to be once I get there is my biggest concern too. The last few times I've went away from home, I haven't adjusted to it like I used to, I just end up feeling fatigued and more mentally worn out. Honestly, the idea of being stranded in another country is my worst nightmare come true right now. I've no idea how I'm going to cope with it. I'm honestly suppressing a panic attack right now just thinking about it.

 

[PunkRotten]

Yeah it would be nice if there was someone there to help you. But you cant count on this woman really. Its really a tough situtation. I'd be scared too. You know, you may have to forget the whole thing until you get stronger.

 

[mmmm]

You can do this for your baby-girl. She needs you to be the stable influence in her life and I know you can step up for her.

 

[ImprisonedAngel]

Wow… I am so sorry to hear of your plight. I know it can be Hell. You mentioned cheating. Personally, I would get testing to establish paternity. When a woman has multiple partners and has deceptive qualities, you can never be sure. Let’s face it, a man raising kids to find out at 18 years later that they aren’t his, is not that unheard of. If I were going to be permanently tied to this kind of woman, I would want to know.

If it has already been established that you are the father, I would consult a family mediator or therapist, etc, or maybe even an attorney. Find out what your options are. As the father, you have rights. You can even arrange it to where you have very little dealings or contact with the mother. You can get court ordered visitation (a day, days, weeks, months) in which a mutual handler does an exchange. Coming to a compromise won’t be easy, but it is possible.

Look, the way I see it… if you are not healthy and together, you won’t be much good to your little girl. Prioritize … get yourself together, research, then come up with a plan and follow through. Remember you don’t have to do it alone. There are people out there that can help… just make sure to find them and ask for it. I hope I helped. Please let us know how it goes and best of luck to you!

 

[Truthor]

So I had to postpone my flight for a bit due to unforeseen circumstances (actually nothing to do with my travel anxiety) but I have another booked to leave this Sunday.

I've been taking St Johns Wort in an attempt to try to chill me out a little bit and I gotta say, I think its working. I feel more confident about the flights ( I need to take 3 to get to my destination). Don't get me wrong, I'm still absolutely petrified, but I feel more centered than I did, and not in a perpetual state of blind panic, which helps my chances of being able to get there.

If anyone like me is dead against using prescribed drugs because of the plethora of unpleasant side-effects, I would recommend giving St Johns Wort a bash for a few weeks. It can't hurt can it?

Wish me luck people, I'm certainly going to need it, but I at least feel like I stand a chance now.

 

[jamie99]

I had to think really hard before writing this because i don't want to discourage you or make you more anxious but i want to share my experience with you.

I did what your about to do over 6 years ago. I moved to Australia but the relationship didn't work out, i have a 6 year old son and i only stay here because of him. It gets lonely but there are some good programs over here to help me deal with that.

I hope it works out for you.

 

[mmmm]

Well just think that from now on whenever your daughter tells you she can't do something, you can look her straight in the eyes and say "Our family can do ANYTHING. Remember when Daddy went on the plane?" The very best wishes to you.

 

[Truthor]

I had to think really hard before writing this because i don't want to discourage you or make you more anxious but i want to share my experience with you.

I did what your about to do over 6 years ago. I moved to Australia but the relationship didn't work out, i have a 6 year old son and i only stay here because of him. It gets lonely but there are some good programs over here to help me deal with that.

I hope it works out for you.

Thanks mate, I appreciate the info. You're the first person I've met who's been in my predicament too, so it's good that someone out there understands the unique discomfort I'm feeling.

I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you planned. I'm sure you went through all the stuff in your head like I am right now. The "what ifs"...I know if I don't do this, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, it sounds to me like you wouldn't change it either because you're still there. Am I right? Or are you stuck now?

 

[Truthor]

Well just think that from now on whenever your daughter tells you she can't do something, you can look her straight in the eyes and say "Our family can do ANYTHING. Remember when Daddy went on the plane?" The very best wishes to you.

I'd be too embarrassed to talk like that. I feel like I should be able to fly without complication and I'm ashamed I can't.

I'm under no illusions though, moving your life across the other side of the world for your family is a momentous task that anyone can be proud of. Fear of travelling or not.

 

[jamie99]

Thanks mate, I appreciate the info. You're the first person I've met who's been in my predicament too, so it's good that someone out there understands the unique discomfort I'm feeling.

I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you planned. I'm sure you went through all the stuff in your head like I am right now. The "what ifs"...I know if I don't do this, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, it sounds to me like you wouldn't change it either because you're still there. Am I right? Or are you stuck now?

Ahh you know..it wasn't easy but hindsight is always 20/20...it took about a year of constant alcohol abuse to get through the pain lol. Seriously though, you know you will regret it for the rest of you're life if you don't go. And being a parent was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

[Noca]

If you decide the right choice and go live near your daughter so you can be a part of her life, then make sure you got everything setup on america's end. A job, a place to live, everything sorted out before you move. Have a happy flight, and good luck with your agoraphobia. Your past record of defeating your agoraphobia should help you predict future results

 

[GraceKelly]

I wish you luck! I'm an agoraphobic with social anxiety issues that had to move with my husband to Japan. Those problems are enough to deal with already, but add to the fact that I'm fair-skinned with blonde hair and blue eyes in a country full of people that look nothing like me where they don't exactly disguise their curiosity and sometimes outright disdain for having me here...well, it's been bad. So bad that I rarely leave the house and I'm terrified to drive. People literally STARE at me everywhere I go and it's really not me being neurotic.

I can understand how it can really scare you moving to a different country. There are a lot of positives in your situation, though. The language is the same, anyway, so there won't be a language barrier to overcome. You may face the same driving issues I am - other side of the road, other side of the car. Depending on what area of the U.S. you're moving to, you might have better weather?

But I'm just trying to walk the positive line for you. I'm a mother. I can't imagine being away from my kids. It's very admirable that you care so much you are willing to fight this thing just to be with your daughter.

Being a foreigner can be fun, at first. Most Americans love the English. What I try to do, on bad days, is tell myself that Japanese people are human, too. We all have the same needs, wants, etc. though sometimes we just do things in different ways. That's just from the social anxiety aspect.

As far as agoraphobia, seems from my experience that agoraphobia is agoraphobia no matter what the country - though you can look at this as an opportunity to leave the worst of it behind and try to make a fresh start. Unfortunately, I'm spending most of my time in my apartment pretending I'm back in America...which is a sad way to be. I've got my comfort zone, again, and I'm not wanting to leave it, but I'm working on it. If I can do it here with a language barrier and my appearance making me stick out like a sore thumb, I'm sure you can, too.

 

[Truthor]

Thanks for all the words of encouragement guys, I'm really glad I found this forum. It really is nice to know there are people out there who are unfortunate enough to have found themselves in my situation too.

I thought I'd come back up on here and give an update for you all. I made it to America and it was both a good and bad experience. Good in the sense that I got rid of my fear of flying by exposing myself to it. I had to make 9 flights getting there and back. And of course I got to see my daughter and help build a very unique and special relationship with her. The downside was that I wasn't able to stay longer than a week. The trip there and the constant rewriting of perceptions in my head left me suffering from mental and nervous exhaustion. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep right, when I did, I'd wake up soaked in a cold sweat from head to toe. The only time I felt anywhere near calm was at night down in the basement watching movies, which for me is very unusual behaviour. I decided to come back and focusing on getting stronger, so I didn't do more damage to my frame of mind by continuing to over extend myself. The reality is I bit off more than I could chew and needed time to process it all.

Now I'm back, I've had time to adjust and reflect on it all and I think I'll be able to move there permanently. I just need to focus on getting myself into a stronger mindset so I'm not totally spent by the time I get there. I'm considering going back on Citalopram to help me with the anxiety. I'm apprehensive because of the side effects I experience when I'm on them. Not to mention when I came off them 5 or 6 years ago, the withdrawal was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with.

I need to psyche myself up to do it though, and keep telling myself its for the greater good.

 

[Satyr]

I wish you all the best with your situation. Something I'd ponder if you haven't already...? Can you get a paternity test done? I ask because you mentioned cheating, lying & manipulating. She could be dragging you through airspace & the child might not even be yours and I thought 'man that would suck'. If the baby isnt yours, then you can take those small steps to get well like before perhaps - & be rid of the nasty lady. Hope you can be rid of her.

 

[Sacrament]

If you can prove she's a horrible person, you'll be able to keep the kid in court.

 

[Truthor]

I'm 100% certain shes mine mate. I don't suppose it matters now though, since I've been kicked to the kerb, so technically I'm "rid" of both of them. It's definetly not what I want and I'm devastated by it, but there isn't anything I can do about it. I've tried everything I can to make the relationship work, but the reality is, it didn't make the blindest bit of difference.

As for me getting my daughter, I've no chance in hell. I've no parental rights, because her state gives full custody to the mother when a child is born out of wedlock and its down to the father to fight for even visitation rights. Doing that would be sorta pointless, because she wouldn't stop me from seeing my daughter I don't think. The main issue is that I'll only be able to afford to see her once a year, maybe twice if I'm lucky.

I've also looked into it with lawyers and they all seem to agree that the chances of a judge ruling that I should get full custody and that I'm allowed to take my daughter out of the country are between slim and none.