am i abnormal?

[giveme5]

hi hi. i'm glad i chanced upon this forum. I think i need help. I've realized that I might have a problem.

anyways. here goes..

i have always been quiet. ever since i was a kid, my social circle was small and i was always afraid of meeting new people. but it was okay, since i had a few friends and that felt good enough.

howeever, now im in a foreign land and im having major problems mixing ard......
in the hostel, things are baaaaddd. I barely talk to anyone and i havent got any cliques. people probably think that im this really wierd and shy girl. i just feel uncomfortable when im in a group of people and i darent talk. i seldom open my mouth and meals in the dining hall can be agonizing since i just sit there and finish off my meals. I know that ive only been here for 2 weeks but the other freshies seem to be getting along fine and having thier own gang, while i am just floating solo. it sucks. reallly sucks. i feel as though i do not have the ability to mix around, i feeel as abnormal. i just always wish that i could be like the rest, fitting in easily and all that.

booooy am i glad to let this out. i really thought that putting myself in this kind of situation would improve my shyness. but its making feel worst. I never really thought that i had a problem, but today, i just felt that i needed help.

i guess i can be a fun person to hang out with, but it takes me sooooo long to finally open up. im just too shy....

hopefully, i can get some advice here and i just want to feel good. i have been feeling so down lately that it has been affecting my school work. ive got sooo many readings to do, but i havent touched anything since i feel so crappy....

so yup! heeelppp meeeeeeeeee

 

[GettingThere]

You are a special person and you must understand this. It doesn't matter what others think of you, that is their business. Some of the quietest people in the world are the best people. Try to appreciate yourself and be kind to yourself.

 

[redlady]

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[giveme5]

thanks for the replies and your opinions. hmm, i dont know about going for medication, coz that sounds....a little much isnt it? i dont think ive reached that point yet. so yeaa.

some days are good days , like today for example, i interacted alot and i had fun and i feel great. im just hoping for days like these everyday!

it is as though ive got 2 different personalities, i can go crazy and control the conversation and then i can also be sooo quiet.

i guess this forum pretty much reassures me that im not alone in my shyness problem.

 

[GettingThere]

There are some really good books that you could read. Something like "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. That one really helped me because it gave me some excellent ideas on how to deal with life.

 

[giveme5]

oh yeahhh, thats a good idea. thanx for the reccy, i have never read self help books, so i guess its time i start to.

one of my other problems is, i refuse to tell my existing friends that i have a shyness problem. they do know that initially, im a little quiet, but i do start to open up sooner or later. but they do not know that i see it as a problem or bother about it.

 

[giveme5]

ooooh, here we go again.

just when things were about to get better.....it has to get worst. today we had a commencing dinner in my residential college. there wasn't much talk on the table, so i felt pretty normal until someone asked me "whats wrong? You look bored.."...i just said that it was too cold here, thats why...and that was all i said throughout the whole dinner. PATHETIC. So, dinner just ended 99% of the people are still at the dining hall taking pictures and all that, and here i am, typing this out. well, nobody would want to take a photo with me, so i decided to not be an onlooker and just come up.

u know, i dont mean to be this anti social, but im just NOT in the mood. i dont understand how people can be so easy going and have a conversation flowing in no time. people hate to talk to me. its like today, i was walking to sch with this guy and we were having some talk and then he saw a another guy from the res college, and he totally stopped talking to me. PATHETIC.

i feel PATHETIC. i dont think i have a bad personality. back home my friends love my company, and they do miss me. its just seems as though ive forgotten how to make friends. i never realized it was soo difficult until reccently. i never really cared whether i had friends or not back then..but nowww.....gosh. i think im worrying too much about my social life. i just wish that there was a chance for me to get to know more people here. u wouldnt believe how much i pay a month to stay here. and my original plan was just to make friends and be happy. NOW, i am miserable. its like, im paying truck loads of $$ to feel horrible. if i stayed out, at least, i could get close to the roommate....bascially, now, i have NO ONE.

i know this post is looong, but oh please, some one just help me. or does any1 know of any doctor in melb city? im pessimistic about doctors since i dont think it'll work. its not pscyhological..its just ME.

 

[redlady]

I'm sorry to hear about the hard time you are having. The university you attend should have a doctor's service that you can access. If you don't know where it is go to the admin office and enquire there. I hope things improve for you soon. :wink:

 

[shyandnumb]

You're not abnormal and this is coming from somebody who is abnormal, at least acts abnornal. :? Anyway, it's normal for your shyness to kick in when you move to a different environment from a environment that you were comfortable in, especially moving out state or out of the country.For my advice, I suggest you approach your shyness in gentle manner like taking one step at a time since forcing it to stop will only make it worse.

 

[DazedNConfused]

I think going to see a doctor would be a great idea. I'm also in a different city, away from friends and family, so I know what you're going through.

A therapist would help you get better thought patterns in your head, and give you a more healthy way to think about things. Just make sure the one you see knows about social anxiety (one I went to back home had to look it up in a damn book, so she didn't help me one bit). Sometimes, they can help you by just giving you new ways to think and perceive things, doesn't have to lead to medication (although that can help if you absolutely cannot control the anxiety/depression)

When you start feeling like you're not normal, you need to ask yourself: "Why?", acknowledge your feelings, and then move on. People like to talk about themselves, so ask questions, and get them talking about themselves (and try to look interested, even if you're not). Good people will want to reciprocate and ask you about yourself.

I hope things get better for you and this becomes an oppurtunity for you to grow past the SA!

 

[Hussein]

Hi DazedNConfused,

Just wondering, are you speaking from experience? Because you seem to have a lot of good advice to give. I am also going to university but I only talk to two guys mainly. they are the only decent guys I know in the whole year which comprises of about 90 students.

And giveme5, you don't need to be the life and soul of the party. For example, when I am with my supervisor talking about all academic related stuff, I have very interesting conversations with him, whereas when I am with some other guys who only talk about professional football (soccer to you) I don't make ANY contribution to the conversation. Part of this has to do with the fact that although watching football can be enjoyable if a good team is playing, one can't have a profound conversation about it.

Try to meet like-minded people who share the same interests as you. There is no point in me trying to join a football-obsessed group of guys because I find their conversations boring unless they are discussing how shit and useless Emile Heskey was for England or other interesting subjects. I would however not mind having friends who discuss things like philosophy, religion, science etc.

I say try finding friends who share the same interests. I hope this helps giveme5.

 

[kody]

Hi
I'm also from melb
where are you studying?
If your looking for someone to talk to, you could try this page
http://www.adavic.org/therapists/index.htm

Kody.

 

[DazedNConfused]

Hi DazedNConfused,

Just wondering, are you speaking from experience? Because you seem to have a lot of good advice to give. I am also going to university but I only talk to two guys mainly. they are the only decent guys I know in the whole year which comprises of about 90 students.

And giveme5, you don't need to be the life and soul of the party. For example, when I am with my supervisor talking about all academic related stuff, I have very interesting conversations with him, whereas when I am with some other guys who only talk about professional football (soccer to you) I don't make ANY contribution to the conversation. Part of this has to do with the fact that although watching football can be enjoyable if a good team is playing, one can't have a profound conversation about it.

Thanks, sometimes, though I need to follow it myself! I know the right path, but stray from it occasionally!

But generally, therapy has helped. The thing is, though is that you have to get out and live and have experiences which induce the negative thoughts (and to have fun, but the goal is to not be "avoidant"), so you have something to discuss with the therapist, who in turn can help change these thoughts (note the inclusion of the word help, and not "they make it happen"). In other words, you have to be an active participant in the therapy, not sit at home (like what i'm doing tonight ). Of course, the job gives me plenty of material in it's own right, but I need to start going out on saturday nights and begin doing what I truly want to do. Sometimes, though, the awkwardness of going out at night alone (not afraid of violence, just the awkwardness of it all) is more than I wanna deal with!

To answer your question on whether i'm speaking from experience, i'd answer both yes and no..... Its mostly a combo of stuff i've read about, stuff the therapist told me, and stuff in between that my mind synthesises. I have noticed that when I talk with people and my goal is to "impress" or talk about myself, then I find that they usually avoid me. When I ask them questions about themselves, they tend to stick around longer, and end up giving me a chance to speak my opinion/mind/whatever. Also notice people smile at me more when I'm feeling good about myself. When I'm in self-defeatism mode (luckily not as often as say, one year ago), it seems this cloud is always hovering over me, and people react negatively to that (dirty looks, avoiding me, ect).

It's funny that you speak about "football crazed men", we have a lot of that in the department I work in. When I go outside to have a smoke at work, sometimes I find myself talking with sports crazed people, and it's hard to contribute to the conversation, so I try to ask questions and learn about the sport (so I don't put them off and look like a jerk). But then, because I'm so un-interested in it, I forget, and then next time I see them, I sometimes ask the same questions! What to do, learn how to have a passion for something I don't like, to please ppl (god knows I had to do that with certain subjects in school to get the grade), or put myself around people with the same interests? Thats the question I have no answer to! On one hand, you have the "You have to be yourself" camp, and the other, you have the "You need to be a team player and try to bond with many different types of people". And both camps are convincing! Which one is right? Conform or be an Individual? Maybe it depends on the situation, I don't know!