Am I just making this up?

[twist3d]

Sometimes I think I don't even have SAD or depression.

Maybe this is just the way I am and those are just excuses.

I have never even been properly diagnosed. Some doctors said I don't have any real problems and only one said I have serious depression. How the hell am I supposed to know what is true?

I have no concept of "normal". About five years of my life have been empty, boring days. I've lost concept of time. I basically just breathe and that's it. I don't even know if I'm really unhappy. What is it like to be really happy? Maybe I just have too high expectations.

These "diseases" have become everything I am. I don' even have a personality anymore. If this is all I am then how can I even be cured? This is who I am. Only cure is death.

Sometimes I just wish I could get some pills or whatever. Try for one last time. But I know nobody will give a loser like me any pills, I need to snap out of it and I never ever will.

I've started to avoid my family. I'm trying to alienate myself from them. So when I will decide to cure myself once and for all they won't feel too sad. I'm sure they'll still mourn but it wont be so bad if they have almost forgotten me. It's going to take years but hey, time is something I have.

(Sorry for this stupid angst. There is no point to this, I just wanted to say it. I promise I will answers some other people's post after this. )

 

[SonicMan]

Please don't give up. Never give up. Just keep trying. I can't give much advice but if you can find the right support it will be worth it. I have felt like giving up in the past and sometimes I say that I hate myself but I am so pleased that I have kept trying. Hang in there.

 

[twist3d]

Please don't give up. Never give up. Just keep trying. I can't give much advice but if you can find the right support it will be worth it. I have felt like giving up in the past and sometimes I say that I hate myself but I am so pleased that I have kept trying. Hang in there.

Thanks. Sometimes it's hard to keep going. I've dealt with this crap for so long, it just doesn't seem realistic that things could change.

 

[Dronee]

Don't give up... keep trying. I know it's really hard because there seems to be no hope... but we can't just throw away our lives, tempting as it may be. I've felt that way countless times... None of us know the future for absolute certainty... It's in the nature of things to change. If there's a slice of possibility that things could get better, we owe it to our future selves to keep trying.

And maybe one day you'll be telling this to other people (maybe some of us, maybe to me) when you've found your current trials over.

 

[Snowdrop]

twist3d, I completely understand what you mean. because I'm going through the exact same thing. Tell you the truth, it was a relief to hear someone else is going through the same thought process as me.

I've been thinking the same thing for five years exactly. People often ask me, my doctor, last counsellor, what happened 5 years ago since I have an exact time for them - and I always say I don't know. Nothing really did happen except my life grew worse; I fell out of contact with people, spoke less and found conversation ridiculously difficult and very quickly grew extremely anxious, scared of socializing and incredibly sad daily. I have never been diagonosed either, just told I've got depression but that is something I've never fully come to terms with or really even believed.
As you said, I have never really known why this happened or whether I am really sad. I think this can sometimes happen because we are so sad, it numbs our ability to think clearly and tell if we are sad or not. But rest assured, I think we are sad else we would never question happiness. Happy people could care less, they just go about their lives.

Very often I try to recall what I felt like 5 yrs ago, when I was young and happy and carefree. I will put myself into that mindset (honestly, it's not that difficult) and I get a bittersweet emotion. To me, it is like I have stopped growing as a human (emotionally) since that time due to the fact my mind has been stuck on replay - constantly wondering, questioning 'who am i?' 'why am i sad?' those questions grow sickening and I'm tired of thinking these things.

Anyway really sorry for the massively long post lol. I don't know if you can relate to some of these words here, but I hope you know you are never alone, because you never know who is depressed. But whether you are depressed or not please never ever give up hope. I don't know whether you were serious but death is never the cure.
Stay strong~

 

[Predacon]

Stay strong.

 

[Untamed88]

I don't believe in depression or social phobia either. I think they are just labels.

 

[mart22n]

Hi Twist3d,

I think your posts in this thread are VERY negative! OK, what I usually do when I'm a bit depressed: take ACTION!

Are you afraid of something? People? Intimacy? Any other irrational fears? Do you have any things which you know you should've done in the past?

Anything?

I say start doing those things. That's for the start. You seem to have built such a long tunnel of depression that you cannot see the light anymore. No problem, start digging yourself out.

Good luck,
Martin

 

[scoobycrawler]

Like everyone else here feels the same way i think so don't feel bad or anything cause you know that otheres on this website too because of this. You have very good english by the way you could probably get a job somewhere good since you speak more than one language. Like seriousy sometimes I pop a pill but don't go too overboard you know like take care of yourself and stuff. like tell the doctor is the only thing that helps or something... could always have a drink but that don't help after a while trust me on that one because I know that alcohol isn't enough sometimes just know you can be honest here because thats one thing that helps me cuase i say anthing i want to say here and i can since others have anxiety and depression too but there are numberlous , i mean like infinite things to do but like seriously popping a pill helps me big time alot and i wish i could smoke bud b ut u know its like really illegal here in texas so i can't do that here. but really you can be as negative as you wnat here cause it don't bother me o0ne little bit hommey

 

[twist3d]

Thanks everyone. It really helps to let out some steam.

twist3d, I completely understand what you mean. because I'm going through the exact same thing. Tell you the truth, it was a relief to hear someone else is going through the same thought process as me.

I've been thinking the same thing for five years exactly. People often ask me, my doctor, last counsellor, what happened 5 years ago since I have an exact time for them - and I always say I don't know. Nothing really did happen except my life grew worse; I fell out of contact with people, spoke less and found conversation ridiculously difficult and very quickly grew extremely anxious, scared of socializing and incredibly sad daily. I have never been diagonosed either, just told I've got depression but that is something I've never fully come to terms with or really even believed.
As you said, I have never really known why this happened or whether I am really sad. I think this can sometimes happen because we are so sad, it numbs our ability to think clearly and tell if we are sad or not. But rest assured, I think we are sad else we would never question happiness. Happy people could care less, they just go about their lives.

Very often I try to recall what I felt like 5 yrs ago, when I was young and happy and carefree. I will put myself into that mindset (honestly, it's not that difficult) and I get a bittersweet emotion. To me, it is like I have stopped growing as a human (emotionally) since that time due to the fact my mind has been stuck on replay - constantly wondering, questioning 'who am i?' 'why am i sad?' those questions grow sickening and I'm tired of thinking these things.

Anyway really sorry for the massively long post lol. I don't know if you can relate to some of these words here, but I hope you know you are never alone, because you never know who is depressed. But whether you are depressed or not please never ever give up hope. I don't know whether you were serious but death is never the cure.
Stay strong~

Oh yeah, I totally get that.
It seems it would be easier if I had some trauma, some reason for this. But I don't. I've always had it easy. I have nice family. I haven't been bullied. I am healthy. I have no reason for any of this. Maybe it's my personality, maybe some people are born melancholic and they can't stand the harshness of social life or something. I used to hope that I was just gloomy loony artsy type or whatever, but the truth is I'm just a loser.

Everything is so dull and gray and it's like there is this fog everywhere and I can't even think straight. Same negative thoughts play 24/7.

I know I could, in theory, change my life. But the problem is that there is SO MUCH because I would have to change almost every single thing. And it seems impossible. I can't change even one thing.

Hi Twist3d,

I think your posts in this thread are VERY negative! OK, what I usually do when I'm a bit depressed: take ACTION!

Are you afraid of something? People? Intimacy? Any other irrational fears? Do you have any things which you know you should've done in the past?

Anything?

I say start doing those things. That's for the start. You seem to have built such a long tunnel of depression that you cannot see the light anymore. No problem, start digging yourself out.

Good luck,
Martin

Hi Martin,

I thank you for helpful words. But like I said to Snowdrop, I have so many issues and faults that I have no idea how to start. Frankly, I feel so overwhelmed. And since I've fought this so long and failed, why should I succeed now?
I'm sorry if this sounds like loser talk, I'm a loser. But I'm afraid it's something I was born to be.

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

um, isnt this a social phobia website?

I know labels stink but we are all feeling the same about so many things?

I dont want a label but it sure feels good to know I am not alone. That I have friends here. That they accept me.

So far, no one has been more encouraging, nonjudgmental, peaceful, loving and supportive than this group of people!

Thank you all for making me feel I am not alone in this. You are a part of that. Dont give up hope!

 

[Snowdrop]

I know I could, in theory, change my life. But the problem is that there is SO MUCH because I would have to change almost every single thing. And it seems impossible. I can't change even one thing.

I get that completely. I find myself trapped too. I will try to do something to change my life but then there's another thing and another and another and yeah you get the gist lol. I've been trying it for so long that It just makes me think that maybe we don't have to change it one by one, and go down the list so to speak. Maybe we've just got to let go, of whatever is keeping us down. sorry if that sort of didn't make sense :S