Anger management

[Pacific_Loner]

Hello...

So I'd like to start a conversation about how you deal with anger and frustration, more precisely, will you explode, will you keep it all inside, or do you have the ability to demonstrate it while keeping it under control?

I'm asking because today I've been angry in a way I haven't been in a very long while.

I tend to keep it all inside, which I always thought meant "under control", because I hate how I feel when I'm angry, and when I try to demonstrate my anger or frustration, I lose control very easily (stuttering, shaking, blushing, voice breaking and tears, lol). So I try to keep my cool and take it easy instead, and deny that I'm angry. Note that I do the exact same thing with social phobia and that it works pretty well (I'm a fully functional socially inept person).

I don't get angry easily, and I got very good at pretending I'm not. So basically people know me as the one who never gets angry. And the one who is never anxious (haha).

However today I realized I haven't eaten all day and I have a headache (which never happens to me). I've noticed before, when keeping frustrations "under control", that I can have external symptoms like headache, skin rash, or stomac pain.

Note: When I push anger away, I really do believe myself that I'm not angry.

So I'm wondering... Would it be more healthy to hit a pillow or something?

What do you think? How do you deal with it?

 

[TreeBones]

Well it depends there's the kind of angry where you pour a bowl of cereal and find out there's no milk, and then there's angry angry.
When I'm "angry angry" I put on some loud music and paint, or pace back and forth for a long time. I'd advise not to hold it in, do whatever you have to do short of killing someone

 

[Kiwong]

Meditation for Beginners - Videos | How to Meditate

Someone kindly dropped this on my facebook page the other day. I'd had a rough couple of days.

I thought it was really interesting about recognising the angry mind, and taking a moment to say OK this is what an angry mind is, and then looking at a solution rather than getting lost in thoughts that spiral out of control.

I get the impression from the video that pretending you're not angry or frightened leads to a build up of stress. Acknowledging you're angry is the way to go, not fighting it or ignoring it.

 

[Lilly789]

I don't get angry very easily (blunted affect is awesome lol), but when I do, I hold grudges forever. I don't forgive (I just don't believe in it).

I don't "explode" or feel like I'm going to explode, and I will never "lose it". I feel that uncontrolled bouts of anger like that is the epitome of weakness and pathetic and would have nothing but complete disgust and contempt for myself if I did that.

My anger is very controlled and permanent / long term.

I don't have any emotional problems with any of this. I think that's because I am quite at ease with my beliefs and feelings. I have a certain set of beliefs, if they are violated, then that's that. For every action there is a reaction.

I am not very emotional otherwise at all - I don't get "upset" angry very often. My anger is never really irrational. I think irrational and emotional anger comes from poor education, lack of understanding of emotion, lack of responsibility and emotional or psychological instability - there's nothing wrong with that, its normal sometimes, it just doesn't really happen to me (probably because I have a personality disorder).

So, theres nothing I "do" to control my anger. I don't need to. I do need to remind myself sometimes that humans are fundamentally flawed, pathetic and sell outs, and that that is part of the human condition, to control that unforgiving part of me when something does happen on occasion. That usually doesn't stop me from holding people in complete and utter contempt forever. lol

Sometimes Ill pace, and rationalise the situation out in my head over and over, but that's all.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Thanks for the answers people, and sorry for reading it so late! I've been busy.

Interesting link Kiwong. Honestly I don't think I have a stress problem, I think anyone else in my current situation would go crazy so I think I'm doing pretty well. But I think you are right that denying anger is not the right way to go and it's probably what is giving me headaches lately since I have someone pushing me to my limits. I think I'll give a shot to meditation instead of pretending I'm letting go... when it's not really true.

Loud music and painting - or playing music - is something I try to do as well when I need to let go of a thought, but it doesn't seem to work when I'm pissed because I can't concentrate

Edit: The video is getting more and more interesting as it goes, you guys should watch it

 

[Feathers]

Hey Pacific,

I don't think there's a 'right' or 'wrong' way to deal with things, it depends, just do what you can. Ideally, to improve the situation.
I admire you for always keeping your cool, I'm a bit more temperamental myself.
In the past, books about assertiveness and healthy communication/social intelligence have helped me when dealing with difficult people. Sometimes it's just difficult, there may be things you can do though.

Please eat and get rid of the headaches! Hitting a pillow hasn't helped me yet, doing physical work or heavy exercise (even just walking) or drinking something cold-ish has. Or writing/journalling or writing (bad) poetry/country songs... (sometimes, depending on the degree of anger)
I don't know if I could meditate when angry! Let us know if it works!
Just make sure you are 'grounded' enough - I read one has to be grounded to do meditation. (I'm sure Kiwong is, cause he runs so much!)

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Hi Feathers You are right about physical work or heavy exercise, it works for me as well. As for meditation, I've used yoga before to calm myself down and it works fine when mixed with music, so I believe meditation will do some good as well... However I never understood what grounded means...

 

[Knight1985]

My anger is of no use. I can't do shit about it anyway. I wish I had anger issues. Much better than being a wimp

 

[Feathers]

Well, about grounded - in the book I read it meant having good connection with earth, not 'swimming off' into the air too easily... (the book was about our energetic bodies, Hands of Light by Barbara Brennan, a book about healing with hands and such) For example going for a walk or running, or certain exercises can make you more grounded in the energetic sense. Otherwise it means 'down to earth' metaphorically too, I guess?

Knight, caring and sensitive men are needed in this world too! It may not be easy, but it's much better than comitting eg domestic violence etc!

 

[Knight1985]

Of course I didn't mean men shud b like that. I just wished I had the anger to demolish someone who wronged me

 

[kihira]

8 Tools for Managing Your Anger

 

[bcsr]

I've read that it's bad, but if I'm really angry, I still love a nice workout hitting a heavy bag. It calms me down, so I'm not too concerned about anecdotal evidence.