silgado106
Member
(I am so sorry this post came out so huge! 
)
Hi everyone. I've been reading the posts in the forum for a while now, but I have yet to make a long post yet. I know many people post their problems here, and I don't know if things get too repetitive, but I feel like I would need some advice and there's no other way to ask for it other than by posting my "sob" story.
I'm 18, in college, and I have very recently learned about SP. Here in FSU (Florida State University) I decided to try to get a DIS (basically like an internship) with a lab in the Psychology Department (I am majoring in Math and Psych, so I thought this would be a great starting point). I sent an e-mail to the people in the lab, like the flyer said, and waited for a response. You can imagine how I felt when they asked me to go to an interview (all I wanted was to get accepted through e-mail and show up for work one day!). Well I was nervous about the meeting for the whole week (at this point I considered myself "very shy" and that is all the reason I needed to justify my nervousness about things like this). Well the interview turned out pretty good, and then I was asked to go to a second interview (I was not as scared about this one since I had done pretty well on the first one, but I still felt if I could have skipped it it would have been so much better for me). But anyway, I was accepted for the DIS, and I was told what the lab was about. It turns out they deal with research and patients with Anxiety Disorders. I decided to check their web-site, and I found a link to a page with information about Social Phobia. I read it all, and I was very shocked to find out that it sounded A LOT like me. Since then I've been reading some things here and there about Social Phobia, and I am also asking the psychologists I work with about it. I always thought I was just a shy person, but it now turns out I might actually have a Psychological Disorder? Well I didn't want to go ahead of myself, so I am not labeling myself a Social Phobic just yet, although I am pretty sure I am very close to it if I am not one. Well the problem I have though (which is not really a problem) is that (if I have SP) my SP doesn't show as intense as in some of the cases I read about in this forum. Of course that sounds great, but it still has me wondering whether I really do have SP, or if maybe I just think I do, or if I am making myself think I do. As you can see, I am a bit confused as to what is part of my personality, and what it isn't (if anything). Well here are some examples of things that occur (or don't occur to me) throughout my normal every-day life:
The main differences I see between me and some others with SP is the intensity of the anxiety and some physical symptoms. The problem lies on actually measuring these two things, as I mainly avoid anything that I don't "like". But regardless of that, I am not sure if my physical symptoms include things like sweating, or having to urinate, although trembling and heart palpitations are definitely there. I go almost through my whole life trembling away But what I meant with not being able to measure them is that I mainly avoid anything that I know might cause me fear. For example:
I NEVER go in front of people giving out fliers, or people that are at tables giving information etc. I feel like if I do go near them, they are going to want to give me a flier, and then I don't know how to react. Do I stop and ask them what it is about? But if I do, will they think I am an idiot since all I have to do is read the flier? Or should I just get the flier and walk away? If I do, will they think I am rude? So basically every time I see something like this, I look around for a different route, and trust me, I always find one
I don't go out. I avoid going out to parties or to anything social. I have never been to a club/party or anything before. But here is where I am not sure if I differ. If I am with one of my close friends, which I basically only have two, then I am alright. I can go to social places and I am ok, but I just won't really talk. But I don't feel any anxiety, as long as I don't talk I am alright, even though not comfortable at all. Another thing which I think makes me different is that I am normally ok with avoiding these kinds of things. I don't really have any friends or people I hang out with (at this point I am in college and my two close friends are still in High School 9 hours away), I don't go to places like everyone else in my floor does, but I don't find that depressing at all, it doesn't make me feel sad or different, I am alright with it. But is this because I have learned to cope with this stuff, mainly because I only concentrate on my studies, or because I just don't have SP?
This one is kind of embarrasing Whenever I am inside of my dorm room (which is all the time unless I have class) and I have to go out for some reason (bathroom, we have community bathrooms, class, water etc) I always freeze if I hear someone outside in the hall. As soon as I get near the doorknob, and I hear people outside, I go and sit back down. I usually end up waiting as long as they take to go away before I go out. I even hold it in (if I have to go to the bathroom) until they leave before I open the door. I cannot imagine myself opening the door with a bunch of peope out there in the hall staring at me. Because I know that a door opening causes attention to shift my way, and that is my biggest fear, ATTENTION.
I have noticed myself always avoiding attention. I have even told myself repeatedly that I wished I could just be invisible so I could go wherever I wanted without attracting any attention whatsoever. Whenever I see crowds, I walk the opposite way, and if I get near them I am afraid that somehow the attention is going to shift to me, and here is when I sometimes feel the heart palpitations getting bigger.
In the bathroom, I usually time myself so that when I leave the stall I don't have to face anyone out there washing their hands or something. I can hear whenever a person comes into the bathroom, or goes into a stall, or into a shower etc. So it is very easy for me to just stay inside the stall, whether I am finished or not, until I know there's no one out there. Also (this example is not very suittable, I apologize) if I am in the stall, and I need to wipe myself, I ONLY do it as long as there is no one else in the bathroom. I have waited for up to 40-50 minutes, just there in a stall, for people to leave the bathroom before I started wiping myself. Sometimes one person comes in, so I wait for them, but then when this person is finally leaving, another one comes in, so I have to wait for them as well. This whole time I have been here in college, I have NOT wiped myself if there was anyone else in the bathroom, and I have found that very disturbing at times. (Ok end of weird example)
I hate crossing in front of cars. There are some crosswalks here with no street lights, and when I see myself coming up to them I always try to time myself with the cars in a way in which I can walk without having a car waiting for me. I mainly do this because I don't like the people inside the cars looking at me cross. It makes me feel like I have to hurry up, and then when I hurry I just look dumb. But the thing is that sometimes I don't care, and I might just cross no matter who is there. This I believe is due to my actual mood.
I don't mind signing my name in front of people, I do it often when paying for my food. And I usually don't mind eating in front of people, although I find myself uncomfortable when I'm sitting in a table by myself. I have also developed, which I just noticed today, a small habbit that I sometimes do of putting a napkin near my mouth, as in covering my mouth, whenever I take a bite. I'm not sure why I do that.
Whenever I encounter someone on the street (by the way, I HATE unplanned encounters on the street with people I barely know) I then feel sort of nervous, but it happens very fast. I probably look up, say hi, and then just keep walking (I have in memory just one of these right now). Then after I walk away, I replay in my head over and over how the encounter went. I try to see how the person saw me, and try to see if I looked "dumb" etc. I tell myself to step thinking about it, but I just go back to it. And it was just a 3 second hello!
I feel uncomfortable in elevators with people I don't know. I usually, without really noticing, get myself on like a corner or a side, and look down, afraid that I might seem nervous or something, even though I always do. But then there are some times when the elevator is packed, and I am forced to stand there in the middle of everyone and I feel like ALL of their eyes are watching my back, now THAT is uncomfortable.
I never talk in class. The only times I have talked (two times in my english class) have been because I was called upon. The rest of the times, even when there is some discussion going on, I just think my thoughts in my head but I never say them outloud. It's like this force just pushing my words back in. The other day, when the proffesor was going one by one calling people to read something we wrote, I was VERY nervous. I kept looking at my watch hoping time wouldn't allow it to get to me. Once it was right behind me, I was next, I couldn't avoid it so I had to talk. It actually came out alright, I didn't stutter, and my voice was not shaky (like it used to be a lot of times) but I definitely felt heart palpitations before I had to talk, and even a little after I had just gone. I am very glad my teacher just went along to the next person, if there would have been a big pause between me and the next person I think I would have collapsed
I also sometimes wonder if being nice is part of my personality or if it comes from SP. I am normally a very nice person towards everyone. I HATE conflict, and I always avoid it. Many times I don't even share my opinion just to avoid conflict. I basically lack opinions, just as long as I don't create any conflict when I am with people. So is the reason for this because I don't want others to think bad of me, which would be from SP? Or is it just because I am naturally a nice person? If I didn't have SP (that's assuming I do have it) would I still be this nice guy, or would I be different? It's a big letdown not knowing how my personality really is
Well this post is getting so huge! I think there are many more examples I can give but I think I should stop at this point! So as I have mentioned before, I am usually alright with the way I mostly do things (except when I replay to myself things over and over for example, those I really get tired of). I don't feel depressed or even down at times, I just avoid the things I don't like and I go along with life. My main focus, or only focus, are my studies. I do nothing else but worry about class. I have no social life to worry about, which I think is actually a good thing because it allows me to focus on what I really want, which is of course my studies. So I am never sure if what I really have is SP or not because of this. Can people live alright lives even with SP? I will be hearing from the psychologists I work for soon, and I will see what they say, but I would say right now that I might have a low level of SP maybe? Is that possible? Well there was something else I wanted to mention, which is the internet. I think the internet has become such a haven for people like me. I still make sure everything I say to everyone sounds as good as it can (I check and check and check in my head before I say something to someone or post something because I'm always afraid they are going to think I sound dumb, or threatening or something like that) but I feel MUCH better online than in the actual world (except when I am with my close friends). And of course since E-mail replaces the telephone so many times (and I HATE using the telephone) it makes it even much better!
Well this is it. This has become so long!
It's alright if you guys skip around the post
Thank you guys!
Jose
)Hi everyone. I've been reading the posts in the forum for a while now, but I have yet to make a long post yet. I know many people post their problems here, and I don't know if things get too repetitive, but I feel like I would need some advice and there's no other way to ask for it other than by posting my "sob" story.
I'm 18, in college, and I have very recently learned about SP. Here in FSU (Florida State University) I decided to try to get a DIS (basically like an internship) with a lab in the Psychology Department (I am majoring in Math and Psych, so I thought this would be a great starting point). I sent an e-mail to the people in the lab, like the flyer said, and waited for a response. You can imagine how I felt when they asked me to go to an interview (all I wanted was to get accepted through e-mail and show up for work one day!). Well I was nervous about the meeting for the whole week (at this point I considered myself "very shy" and that is all the reason I needed to justify my nervousness about things like this). Well the interview turned out pretty good, and then I was asked to go to a second interview (I was not as scared about this one since I had done pretty well on the first one, but I still felt if I could have skipped it it would have been so much better for me). But anyway, I was accepted for the DIS, and I was told what the lab was about. It turns out they deal with research and patients with Anxiety Disorders. I decided to check their web-site, and I found a link to a page with information about Social Phobia. I read it all, and I was very shocked to find out that it sounded A LOT like me. Since then I've been reading some things here and there about Social Phobia, and I am also asking the psychologists I work with about it. I always thought I was just a shy person, but it now turns out I might actually have a Psychological Disorder? Well I didn't want to go ahead of myself, so I am not labeling myself a Social Phobic just yet, although I am pretty sure I am very close to it if I am not one. Well the problem I have though (which is not really a problem) is that (if I have SP) my SP doesn't show as intense as in some of the cases I read about in this forum. Of course that sounds great, but it still has me wondering whether I really do have SP, or if maybe I just think I do, or if I am making myself think I do. As you can see, I am a bit confused as to what is part of my personality, and what it isn't (if anything). Well here are some examples of things that occur (or don't occur to me) throughout my normal every-day life:
The main differences I see between me and some others with SP is the intensity of the anxiety and some physical symptoms. The problem lies on actually measuring these two things, as I mainly avoid anything that I don't "like". But regardless of that, I am not sure if my physical symptoms include things like sweating, or having to urinate, although trembling and heart palpitations are definitely there. I go almost through my whole life trembling away
But what I meant with not being able to measure them is that I mainly avoid anything that I know might cause me fear. For example:I NEVER go in front of people giving out fliers, or people that are at tables giving information etc. I feel like if I do go near them, they are going to want to give me a flier, and then I don't know how to react. Do I stop and ask them what it is about? But if I do, will they think I am an idiot since all I have to do is read the flier? Or should I just get the flier and walk away? If I do, will they think I am rude? So basically every time I see something like this, I look around for a different route, and trust me, I always find one
I don't go out. I avoid going out to parties or to anything social. I have never been to a club/party or anything before. But here is where I am not sure if I differ. If I am with one of my close friends, which I basically only have two, then I am alright. I can go to social places and I am ok, but I just won't really talk. But I don't feel any anxiety, as long as I don't talk I am alright, even though not comfortable at all. Another thing which I think makes me different is that I am normally ok with avoiding these kinds of things. I don't really have any friends or people I hang out with (at this point I am in college and my two close friends are still in High School 9 hours away), I don't go to places like everyone else in my floor does, but I don't find that depressing at all, it doesn't make me feel sad or different, I am alright with it. But is this because I have learned to cope with this stuff, mainly because I only concentrate on my studies, or because I just don't have SP?
This one is kind of embarrasing
Whenever I am inside of my dorm room (which is all the time unless I have class) and I have to go out for some reason (bathroom, we have community bathrooms, class, water etc) I always freeze if I hear someone outside in the hall. As soon as I get near the doorknob, and I hear people outside, I go and sit back down. I usually end up waiting as long as they take to go away before I go out. I even hold it in (if I have to go to the bathroom) until they leave before I open the door. I cannot imagine myself opening the door with a bunch of peope out there in the hall staring at me. Because I know that a door opening causes attention to shift my way, and that is my biggest fear, ATTENTION.I have noticed myself always avoiding attention. I have even told myself repeatedly that I wished I could just be invisible so I could go wherever I wanted without attracting any attention whatsoever. Whenever I see crowds, I walk the opposite way, and if I get near them I am afraid that somehow the attention is going to shift to me, and here is when I sometimes feel the heart palpitations getting bigger.
In the bathroom, I usually time myself so that when I leave the stall I don't have to face anyone out there washing their hands or something. I can hear whenever a person comes into the bathroom, or goes into a stall, or into a shower etc. So it is very easy for me to just stay inside the stall, whether I am finished or not, until I know there's no one out there. Also (this example is not very suittable, I apologize) if I am in the stall, and I need to wipe myself, I ONLY do it as long as there is no one else in the bathroom. I have waited for up to 40-50 minutes, just there in a stall, for people to leave the bathroom before I started wiping myself. Sometimes one person comes in, so I wait for them, but then when this person is finally leaving, another one comes in, so I have to wait for them as well. This whole time I have been here in college, I have NOT wiped myself if there was anyone else in the bathroom, and I have found that very disturbing at times. (Ok end of weird example
)I hate crossing in front of cars. There are some crosswalks here with no street lights, and when I see myself coming up to them I always try to time myself with the cars in a way in which I can walk without having a car waiting for me. I mainly do this because I don't like the people inside the cars looking at me cross. It makes me feel like I have to hurry up, and then when I hurry I just look dumb. But the thing is that sometimes I don't care, and I might just cross no matter who is there. This I believe is due to my actual mood.
I don't mind signing my name in front of people, I do it often when paying for my food. And I usually don't mind eating in front of people, although I find myself uncomfortable when I'm sitting in a table by myself. I have also developed, which I just noticed today, a small habbit that I sometimes do of putting a napkin near my mouth, as in covering my mouth, whenever I take a bite. I'm not sure why I do that.
Whenever I encounter someone on the street (by the way, I HATE unplanned encounters on the street with people I barely know) I then feel sort of nervous, but it happens very fast. I probably look up, say hi, and then just keep walking (I have in memory just one of these right now). Then after I walk away, I replay in my head over and over how the encounter went. I try to see how the person saw me, and try to see if I looked "dumb" etc. I tell myself to step thinking about it, but I just go back to it. And it was just a 3 second hello!
I feel uncomfortable in elevators with people I don't know. I usually, without really noticing, get myself on like a corner or a side, and look down, afraid that I might seem nervous or something, even though I always do. But then there are some times when the elevator is packed, and I am forced to stand there in the middle of everyone and I feel like ALL of their eyes are watching my back, now THAT is uncomfortable.
I never talk in class. The only times I have talked (two times in my english class) have been because I was called upon. The rest of the times, even when there is some discussion going on, I just think my thoughts in my head but I never say them outloud. It's like this force just pushing my words back in. The other day, when the proffesor was going one by one calling people to read something we wrote, I was VERY nervous. I kept looking at my watch hoping time wouldn't allow it to get to me. Once it was right behind me, I was next, I couldn't avoid it so I had to talk. It actually came out alright, I didn't stutter, and my voice was not shaky (like it used to be a lot of times) but I definitely felt heart palpitations before I had to talk, and even a little after I had just gone. I am very glad my teacher just went along to the next person, if there would have been a big pause between me and the next person I think I would have collapsed
I also sometimes wonder if being nice is part of my personality or if it comes from SP. I am normally a very nice person towards everyone. I HATE conflict, and I always avoid it. Many times I don't even share my opinion just to avoid conflict. I basically lack opinions, just as long as I don't create any conflict when I am with people. So is the reason for this because I don't want others to think bad of me, which would be from SP? Or is it just because I am naturally a nice person? If I didn't have SP (that's assuming I do have it) would I still be this nice guy, or would I be different? It's a big letdown not knowing how my personality really is
Well this post is getting so huge! I think there are many more examples I can give but I think I should stop at this point! So as I have mentioned before, I am usually alright with the way I mostly do things (except when I replay to myself things over and over for example, those I really get tired of). I don't feel depressed or even down at times, I just avoid the things I don't like and I go along with life. My main focus, or only focus, are my studies. I do nothing else but worry about class. I have no social life to worry about, which I think is actually a good thing because it allows me to focus on what I really want, which is of course my studies. So I am never sure if what I really have is SP or not because of this. Can people live alright lives even with SP? I will be hearing from the psychologists I work for soon, and I will see what they say, but I would say right now that I might have a low level of SP maybe? Is that possible? Well there was something else I wanted to mention, which is the internet. I think the internet has become such a haven for people like me. I still make sure everything I say to everyone sounds as good as it can (I check and check and check in my head before I say something to someone or post something because I'm always afraid they are going to think I sound dumb, or threatening or something like that) but I feel MUCH better online than in the actual world (except when I am with my close friends). And of course since E-mail replaces the telephone so many times (and I HATE using the telephone) it makes it even much better!
Well this is it. This has become so long!
It's alright if you guys skip around the post
Thank you guys!
Jose
