Horatio
Well-known member
Just a post to say hi, Im finally back up and running online.
I wish I could say that moving out of home after spending the best part of 5 months in bed was a good idea, but on the whole I really just feel like a fish out of water and am getting more and more frustrated.
I guess I expected that by getting out there and trying my best I would overcome my socialphobia but it is in fact the opposite, the more I get out there and try the worse my condition becomes.
So much effort goes into trying to make sure my socialphobia doesn't affect my work that I feel utterly exhausted at the end of the day and my stress levels are extremely high, not from the work but from silly things like having to buy my own food at supermarkets or catching the bus to town
Being around strangers in town etc isn't helping me make friends, Im the lonliest I have ever been and simply being in public seems to have affected me very badly. I am now extremely paranoid of people and experience unpleasent flashbacks from being bullied when I was younger which Ive never really had before.
On the upside work has been going well despite my weaknesses, my constant worry is that my stutter, work jumbling and lack of confidence will affect my work (which it does) but I try to minimise that. For instance emailing people when I can instead of phoning them
Ive now exchanged the awkwardness of going on a bus for biking to work instead. I still feel like everyone I bike past is looking down at me or laughing at me but at least Im not trapped within the confides of a bus worrying about wether or not the stranger sitting next to me has noticed my nervous sweat pouring down my brow or my out of control nervous knee jiggle
I always knew that moving cities and taking on a big project involving working from an office was always going to be difficult, Im just dissapointed that my efforts haven't been rewarded with either company or at least an improvement in my socialphobia/depression/lonliness/crap
I am now a lonlier, more frustrated, less emotive, weirder, angrier person than I was before
I wish I could say that moving out of home after spending the best part of 5 months in bed was a good idea, but on the whole I really just feel like a fish out of water and am getting more and more frustrated.
I guess I expected that by getting out there and trying my best I would overcome my socialphobia but it is in fact the opposite, the more I get out there and try the worse my condition becomes.
So much effort goes into trying to make sure my socialphobia doesn't affect my work that I feel utterly exhausted at the end of the day and my stress levels are extremely high, not from the work but from silly things like having to buy my own food at supermarkets or catching the bus to town
Being around strangers in town etc isn't helping me make friends, Im the lonliest I have ever been and simply being in public seems to have affected me very badly. I am now extremely paranoid of people and experience unpleasent flashbacks from being bullied when I was younger which Ive never really had before.
On the upside work has been going well despite my weaknesses, my constant worry is that my stutter, work jumbling and lack of confidence will affect my work (which it does) but I try to minimise that. For instance emailing people when I can instead of phoning them
Ive now exchanged the awkwardness of going on a bus for biking to work instead. I still feel like everyone I bike past is looking down at me or laughing at me but at least Im not trapped within the confides of a bus worrying about wether or not the stranger sitting next to me has noticed my nervous sweat pouring down my brow or my out of control nervous knee jiggle
I always knew that moving cities and taking on a big project involving working from an office was always going to be difficult, Im just dissapointed that my efforts haven't been rewarded with either company or at least an improvement in my socialphobia/depression/lonliness/crap
I am now a lonlier, more frustrated, less emotive, weirder, angrier person than I was before