Buck up sissy pants!

[cowboyup]

I went to see Steven Wright, the comedian last night. One perk living in Vegas is there is no lack of entertainment! But for people with SA/depression getting out and enjoying those perks is the challenge (along with money lol)

I actually had a good time - he was very funny, if you like that dead pan type of humor. I went with my brother - kinda like going to the prom with your cousin but hey, he paid for the tickets and he likes comedy as well
So, yay me! I had fun....now back to real life.

Even though I had my number changed, I forgot about facebook, so that guy contacted me and showed me all his awesome things he's been up to, then hinting at he's been sad because (STILL because) of that girl he was "in love" with...oops on my part, I've been ignoring it (bad I know).....apparently we share some same acquaintances on facebook and he found me there. I went to set all the privacy settings (admittedly felt like a childish thing to do to hide) but dang, it gets confusing - why isn't there one button to privatize EVERYTHING on there? LOL is that too much to ask?

I've been stalling paying my car insurance this month. I better do that today - otherwise I get fined by the DMV 250.00 and I sure can't pay that!
Actually why I've been stalling is cuz I don't have the full payment and I've been feeling like it's a nuisance to go outside the house, drive to the store, reload my prepaid card, come back home, get online, type in the greendot moneypack numbers and then log onto the car insurance company website and pay it...or rather, part of it. Stupid, right?

OK...DO DO DO no if's and's or but's! Today I go to the store and get it done.

I've been feeling overwhelmed too - in the dark hours of the night, my mind begins to wander - I think about the new little niece who is due Sept 1. I'll be watching my 3 year old nephew, his new sister 5 days a week, and 2 of those days I have to take him back and forth to preschool. Which terrifies me because I want to know exactly where I am going because whilst driving, for some reason, I have this fear of getting lost. And going on the freeway.

I foresee no possible way out of my situation, which could be a LOT worse, I know this, but I fear I am getting used to being 'stuck' - if that makes sense.

anyhow...my little ranting is over.

and so it goes...

BIG HUGS TO ALL

 

[MikeyC]

Sounds like you have a lot of things happening, cowboy. Some scary things but I know you'll get through them.

 

[cowboyup]

I'm annoyed and frustrated today. Seems I have been in this state of frustration/annoyance for a few months. Today I had to watch my nephew from 5 am - 4:30 pm. My sister in law has the summer off school, she was laid off in June, then a few days ago she found out she got surplussed out - meaning she got her job back. We have an agreement that during the summer I watch my nephew for a few hrs during the AM - then around noon, she takes over. But today, my brother was off work as well so they both were home - and asked me to watch him so they could take a nap. Well, that nap lasted til 4:30.

OK, I can give some leeway for her being pregnant but they have been taking real advantage of me (my convenience of being there at their disposal) lately and I am growing physically and mentally exhausted. Come Sept. I will have 2 kids - rhetorical question: when am I and HOW am I going to break free when I can't even have time to go to the bathroom myself let alone try and find a job.

My sister in law sits in her room, either 1. watching TV, 2. reading, or 3. sleeping while I watch her kid. I also clean the house, make him meals, give him a bath and do his laundry.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore - but then I calm down and figure things could always be worse.

You may be asking, well why not just move out, or tell them how you feel...
for one thing, I have no other place to go, I only make one hundred dollars a month from watching my nephew, and 3/4 of that goes to car insurance alone. And third, well - simply put, I am afraid to tell my brother, hey I'm moving out (factoring in I had $ and place to stay) because I've told him how I feel in the past and he always turns it around and asks if they are doing something wrong, or you can't go live with grandma, what are you going to do there? They even pulled the "if it weren't for you, we'd be divorced by now" card...

Just venting here, sorry - feel sick to my stomach, have twitching in thumb all day that's just annoying, and my head is pounding and I am shaky due to nerves I guess.

OK, there IS light at the end of the tunnel
things could always be worse
etc...must think positive, right?
keep your chin up, keep moving, things will fall into place eventually
good things come to those who wait.

--and so it goes--

 

[cowboyup]

Let me start off by saying that I did have a great time watching the comedian Ron White, last night. He's vulgar, sarcastic and funny as *gosh darn heck*
I laughed so hard, I should have bought some Depends

So after the show, my brother and I trudged thru piles of people at the casino and as we made our way out of the maze of party-goers & drunks, I had observed both at the show and on our way out, that everyone was with someone. Whether it be a group of girls, groups of guys, groups of guys and groups of girls together, or husband and wife, boyfriend/girlfriend. Even children. And what the heck were little kids out doing out past midnight? I'm always amazed at that. lol whatever.

Anyhow, I managed to stave off my anxiety in the parking garage and elevator (crowded with people and all I can think of is germs haha!) and got thinking about all the *couples* and *friends* together and this feeling of overpowering loneliness came over me. I felt sad. I was there with my brother and don't get me wrong, I was grateful and entertained, had an awesome time. But after all said and done, I was alone. Guess it just hit me at a weird time.

I'm not consciously making an effort to change my *relationship status* and I like my alone time. I'd feel stifled if I had someone hanging over me 24/7, at least at this point in my life. Perhaps that will change in time, but for now I've accepted that is what it is. But still I could not shake this sadness. Maybe somewhere deep down, I do have that emotion for human contact that when put into certain circumstances, it gets jolted, if that makes sense.

So, I'm just getting this off my chest but if in a public situation, and assuming you are either not in a relationship, do you ever get a little sad, and if so, how do you get over it or do you just not think about it much, suck it up and go on?

**side note: this *emotion* may be because I am currently going thru mid life crisis, early onset peri-menopause coupled with constant PMS, and SA/depression.

Crap, I'm a mess. No wonder I'm single, I'm like a highly caffeinated spider monkey on the prowl. Scary thought! LOL

[/IMG]

[/IMG]

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

So after the show, my brother and I trudged thru piles of people at the casino and as we made our way out of the maze of party-goers & drunks, I had observed both at the show and on our way out, that everyone was with someone. Whether it be a group of girls, groups of guys, groups of guys and groups of girls together, or husband and wife, boyfriend/girlfriend. Even children. And what the heck were little kids out doing out past midnight? I'm always amazed at that. lol whatever.

Anyhow, I managed to stave off my anxiety in the parking garage and elevator (crowded with people and all I can think of is germs haha!) and got thinking about all the *couples* and *friends* together and this feeling of overpowering loneliness came over me. I felt sad. I was there with my brother and don't get me wrong, I was grateful and entertained, had an awesome time. But after all said and done, I was alone. Guess it just hit me at a weird time.

Yep. Been there, many times. Somehow, magically, everyone else seems to be with someone. Always.

I often get very aggravated at the simple fact that people need people, and I'm a...person. I'd much rather be some animal that had no need for socializing. Or perhaps conscious thought--that's often a real bother as well.

 

[cowboyup]

Yep. Been there, many times. Somehow, magically, everyone else seems to be with someone. Always.

I often get very aggravated at the simple fact that people need people, and I'm a...person. I'd much rather be some animal that had no need for socializing. Or perhaps conscious thought--that's often a real bother as well.

^ha! good point - rather be an animal with no need for socializing or the conscious thought, that bothers me as well.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I'm aiming for being one of these in my next life. Do you think there's a waiting list?

 

[cowboyup]

I'm aiming for being one of these in my next life. Do you think there's a waiting list?

sign me up!

 

[cowboyup]

Hi, me again.

I had an angry thought this morning. I was gonna start a thread, but I figured it would be a waste of space and my little 'journal' here is best place to put my feelings for now. Unless I have something substantial to say haha!

Lately I have felt like I've been going through life moderately bemused. People are astoundingly strange. I've had my moments I admit, but seriously all the time? eh, let it go, right? Nothing specific, just general observation, but still I am flabbergasted.

oh yes, onto my angry thought:
So, my sister in law is scheduled to go into the hospital on the 25th of August to be induced. yay, I said with fake excitement. Yup, 9 months and I have been faking my excitement for the little girl to be born. My niece. Whom I get to babysit along with my nephew. Don't get me wrong, I love kids, but I feeling trapped at times, like a hamster in the proverbial wheel going nowhere fast. I know what needs to be done, but I feel so overwhelmed at times I feel paralyzed with fear. Does that even make sense? Then of course I overalayze then I end up in a panic attack. What a schmuck I am at times. At least I don't publicly humiliate myself like all the pretentious people I observe.

wait, there's more:
My sis in law saw a commercial for the ending of "Phantom of the Opera" which ends its run in Sept., and the commercial urges to 'get your tickets now'.
She immediately perks up and say, "oh I have to go"
Mind you, she is VERY pregnant. She can barely walk up the stairs at this point. Oh, and she has seen this show 4 times that I know of. I would like to go, but I don't have the $ for tickets. I've never seen it. I hear it is awesome. But I rationalize to myself that somewhere it will be playing and I can one day say, "well, I flew to NYC to see it over the weekend." (I dream big dreams hehe) ..I digress. <--seems I am good at that. I blame ADHD.

It was 7 pm and my brother asks me "can you babysit while we go out to dinner and catch Phantom?" Sure, I say with a fake smile.

Bottom line: She got her way again. Since I've been living with them for close to 4 damn years (yup pathetic I know) whenever she wants something, no matter how small or large or random, she gets her way. I love her dearly and feel bad that I am even writing this, but how the hell does someone who claims they are not manipulative, gets her way, every damn, single time?

Does she know how lucky she is to be married to my brother? My brother would give his left butt cheek to please her. Maybe both, who knows.

How is it that some struggle and struggle in their life, while others seem so blessed?

 

[Gaucho]

wow this story is really touching, and I'm here getting all the support from my family makes me feel very guilty.

i wish you find your way in life, because for what i read, you defentely deserve it.

 

[cowboyup]

wow this story is really touching, and I'm here getting all the support from my family makes me feel very guilty.

i wish you find your way in life, because for what i read, you defentely deserve it.

aww, thanks Gaucho. No need to feel guilty! That's great that you have the support of your family.

 

[cowboyup]

My sister in law went into the hospital last night to be induced.
I just heard from her. She's having contractions but things are moving very slowly.

This may take a while.

I watched my nephew last night and let him sleep with me. He knows mommy and daddy went to the hospital to get his baby sister. lol Kids are funny

He was awake til 11 pm and is a bed hog!
the cartoon below is so true!
I had about 3 inches to sleep.

School starts today for me - taking computer forensics, abnormal psychology and algebra II.

Anxious about that, but it'll get me out of the house and get my mind in gear. Better find my thinking cap.

No point to this entry - it's rather flat and boring but better boring than panicky like I was last week.

 

[cowboyup]

lol babies!!
computer forensics? that sounds like fun, whats your major?

^ Right now I am just finishing up a general ed degree then going onto the university in the Spring. My major there will probably be something in criminology or laboratory science.

So far, I really like the class. The professor is strict, rightfully so. He told us that if we have any inclination about hacking, this class is not about that and we will not be taught any of that. LOL gotta love professors. Pretty sad he had to state that though

 

[cowboyup]

I did it. I had breakfast with SIL's family. OK, I admit, it was DAMN good stuff.
Her g-ma sure knows how to cook. Bacon, eggs, fried potatoes, watermelon and cantelope.

Since it was a 'social' situation I didn't gravitate towards the women who were hovering in the kitchen but rather to her g-pa ... I felt safer trying to strike up a convo with him. SIL's extended family are good people, and they've always accepted me so I guess it comes down to the fact that I just get all this over-thinking, anxiety-ridden, hand-wringing stuff going on until I can settle into my surroundings.

haha...I sound like I am explaining some animal in the wild and just got caught in captivity or something.

"let the introvert smell her surroundings and get used to the lay of the land, don't make eye contact, you may scare her away"

But one thing I do is observe. I observe the people and surroundings. I noticed how eek, how do I put it, so ouch - anorexically thin SIL's sister is. She is about 5'10" (tall family) and is so thin. She wears a size 1/2 (her jeans were on counter in my bathroom) <--I couldn't help but check And she hunches over. I've noticed SIL does that too. It must be because they are tall...IDK

Her sister was just standing in the middle of the kitchen and she was clutching her hands. I sensed a tension about her also. Which explains some things. My guess would be that she too, may have anxiety of some degree.

She also looked very sad, depressed. She may also wash her hands a lot because they were red and very dry looking.

I wanted to give her a valium and some food.
Maybe she has an overactive thyroid.

As far as her g-parents, they seemed normal.
Her mother is an anxious person too. But much calmer than the sister.

OK, so now ya know. I observe people in their natural habitat.

I know, I am weird.

hmmm...wonder if there's more bacon.

 

[Srijita52]

You're not weird for observing people. Its something I always do as well. I'm glad you're having a good time.

 

[MikeyC]

Observing people isn't weird. In fact, that's a good way to get to know people without actually having to chat to them. You get to see their nuances, their physical habits.

Size 1/2 sounds incredibly small. Maybe she is anorexic/bulimic, and she's hiding her disorder from everyone. Not much you can really do, unless you wanted to talk to her about it.

 

[cowboyup]

Observing people isn't weird. In fact, that's a good way to get to know people without actually having to chat to them. You get to see their nuances, their physical habits.

Size 1/2 sounds incredibly small. Maybe she is anorexic/bulimic, and she's hiding her disorder from everyone. Not much you can really do, unless you wanted to talk to her about it.

Yes, it is. I just talked to my SIL and she mentioned something about her sister's weight. So I felt that was kind of a little door I could ask a little without stepping on toes. She said her sis is 5'11" and 114 lbs. That is grossly underweight. I am much shorter than that and weight 125.
I wonder why nobody has said anything to her...not my business but I just hate to see someone that tiny if there is either a medical reason or illness such as anorexia or bulimia. I know from experience what it's like to be rail thin. At my tiniest, I was 83 lbs. in my early 20s. hmmm..I ask why nobody says anything to her but then again, nobody questioned me so I guess it's kinda the same thing.

 

[MikeyC]

Yes, it is. I just talked to my SIL and she mentioned something about her sister's weight. So I felt that was kind of a little door I could ask a little without stepping on toes. She said her sis is 5'11" and 114 lbs. That is grossly underweight. I am much shorter than that and weight 125.
I wonder why nobody has said anything to her...not my business but I just hate to see someone that tiny if there is either a medical reason or illness such as anorexia or bulimia. I know from experience what it's like to be rail thin. At my tiniest, I was 83 lbs. in my early 20s. hmmm..I ask why nobody says anything to her but then again, nobody questioned me so I guess it's kinda the same thing.

It's probably something people are too afraid to point out for fear of backlash or unveiling an illness they wanted to keep secret. If you're worried about her weight, say something and hopefully she'll take your advice on board. Best case scenario is that she will be happy that someone noticed and had the guts to say something.

83lbs is super small. Wow. :/

 

[cowboyup]

<sigh> I finally woke up from a *nap* <-- meaning I had a raging migraine all day

I tried to push through it most of the day, but by dinnertime, it had become too much so I had to take an 800mg ibuprofen and try to sleep it off in the dark. Now, at 10 pm, I feel wide awake, pain free and ready to tackle life. Funny how that works out.

I heard all three kids crying at the same time.
1. newborn - for obvious reasons
2. my nephew - he's been really cranky today
3. his cousin - don't know why

My first reaction was to go see what all the commotion was about but I stopped myself. After all, the parents of the children are here. It's their responsibility, right? I stood my ground.

But I couldn't help but overhear my enraged brother blow up. My SIL and I have had convos about his anger issues and she's been talking to him about it (she's has counseling experience so she knows how to approach him better than I do). He's a cop so some of that comes from his work, but from his teen years, I can remember him having issues as well.

I feel a a compulsory sadness and need to help my nephew because he is at the age where he doesn't understand much about why daddy is always grumpy. But help him in what way? I really can't do anything worthy but just be there for support and/or help I guess. My brother is ultimately going to have to realize he has a challenge (anger management) to get under control for himself and family's sake.

sorry to go on and on...
I am just needing to get this out of my head and thoughts before I try to sleep tonight - I know myself, it'll eat me up and frankly, my head can't take much right now - not to mention my tummy lol

 

[MikeyC]

He has anger issues and he's a cop? Hmmmm!

Cops aren't always treated great by the general public, and there's little they can do to retaliate against verbal abuse. So he will bottle it up until he gets to unleash at home. That's not a healthy thing to do for anyone. What if it gets worse and he starts hitting his wife and screaming at his kids? Worst case scenario, yeah, but being a cop isn't going to help. He probably needs to go and see someone...assuming he knows and acknowledges he has a problem and it needs fixing.

I can understand your compulsory sadness, and you're right that your nephew doesn't know why his dad is always angry, and won't know for years to come, but you're right to stand your ground. His parents are there, so let them sort out what's wrong. You don't have to do anything. In fact, you've got a migraine, so the less you do, the better.

I envision that house you're living in, assuming they're there a lot, is going to get highly stressful and fast.