Gray
Member
I've been back working now the past 3-4 months, and while in fairness it isn't going perfectly well i am essentially coasting along. My anxiety the past few weeks has been flaring up something chronic, but it was mainly a mixture of being at work, being fixated with a girl i can't have and also pondering a change.
It was my birthday a few weeks back, and it was as uneventful as ever, but after it was all over i just went back to thinking "You know, i really want to change everything about me to, well, not be me anymore..."
So, after having a particularly bad day one Monday i decided to go down to the superstore and buy some alcohol. To an everyday man this might not seem like a big deal - but for me, i don't drink alcohol. The last time i even touched the stuff was about 4 years ago at a works Christmas party and even then i wasn't drunk, merely a wee bit "tipsy".
But, i had heard from various sources that whisky was something which relaxed you, or at least kept the anxiety at bay. This was my first time of even trying the harder stuff, but i also had other considerations. I didn't want to consume vast quantities of it, because i drive. So i would only generally have a miniscule amount.
I didn't particularly want it to come to buying alcohol, and in fairness it hasn't really done anything. My family had a long line of alcoholics, it was essentially that which gripped my dad and pretty much killed him over the years, hence my reluctance for getting "a taste" for it. My anxiety would still flare up before starting work (Again, because i would be entering the building, and then later in the day seeing the girl whom i like so very much, yet once again, can't have (aka, getting crushed)).
Because the whisky bottle would be in my car, i would take small amounts of it before starting my shift at work, maybe a swig or two. But, if anyone was around i would end up feeling like a right hobo, and i would be embarrassed at it having to come to that.
So, while the alcohol was a failure, i opted to go down a slightly more positive route rather than ingesting poison into my body. A new wardrobe. I'm a relatively big guy, so stylish clothes are very hard to come by, and those that are fairly stylish come with a nice hefty price-tag.
But i bit the bullet, i decided i wanted to feel good, and the clothes that i previously wore just weren't doing me any good. So i purchased some clothes online and had them sent over to me, i ended up spending about £150-200 over the course of the week just to find some decent pants and new pair of shoes.
The clothes (but not the shoes!) arrived last week and i felt good in them. The only problem was this: Work. For the past few months, virtual strangers to me have become collegues, and even friends. I would basically wear the same stuff day in, and day out (Mainly rotating).
My first day of wearing the new clothes was an absolute nightmare. Well, for the first 30minutes. I got into the carpark of work and started panic'ing thinking i made the wrong choices in wearing new clothes. I reached for my now near-empty bottle of whisky only to relise that a lot of people where starting to walk past. I couldn't drink it infront of them. My anxiety was getting even higher now relising they weren't going to be leaving anytime soon.
I had to go into work, without the aid of the temporary drink solution. I ended up being a bag of nerves. Whats more, the minute i walked into my department i seen one of my "collegues". I opened the door and he glared at me, i died inside thinking "Oh god dammit. He relised, and by that long glare he is probably having a giggle about it now".
Worse was to come though, because i was slightly late due to waiting for the crowd of people to go in the carpark, all the seats in work were taken. So i had to stand up, infront of everyone for about 10-15minutes waiting for a place to sit when people where going home. It. Was. Awkward.
Then, my anxiety in an instant flew away. The girl-whom-i-like-but-can't-have came up behind me, suprised that it was me because i was wearing a lot of new stuff. From anyone else i would have taken it as a negative, but she is a very friendly smiley person, and i knew she mean't it, i felt a lot better after that...
Now, a week in, i'm enjoying my new clothes selections, but i am now wanting to go onto step 3 of my changes. Changing my hairstyle. Back about 5-7 years ago i changed my hairstyle, and i was really happy about it, but eventually i let it grow out and get cut, and i ended up losing the style.
I tampered a bit, so much so that i decided to look into proper grooming of the body and hairstyles (Thanks Youtube!), this mean't things like doing eyebrows and using proper facewashes and things - But on a more evident note, using hairgels.
Sadly i've not mastered the use of hairgels yet, but it maybe insignificant because i want to get it cut by a proper hairstylist, and recoloured. This will be a massive change for me, it has been a long time since i have taken the leap into getting a hairstyle - My problem is that i could never emulate the same hairstyle which the stylist did, so i would end up looking more of an idiot for not doing it right.
While i still feel an air of negativity around me, i just feel like making these small baby-steps towards changing myself can help me in the long run, minus the alcohol. I will probably finish the bottle someday (hey, i bought it! i can't throw away things willy-nilly!) knowing that was a failed experiment, but everything else i feel i can push positively towards.
It was my birthday a few weeks back, and it was as uneventful as ever, but after it was all over i just went back to thinking "You know, i really want to change everything about me to, well, not be me anymore..."
So, after having a particularly bad day one Monday i decided to go down to the superstore and buy some alcohol. To an everyday man this might not seem like a big deal - but for me, i don't drink alcohol. The last time i even touched the stuff was about 4 years ago at a works Christmas party and even then i wasn't drunk, merely a wee bit "tipsy".
But, i had heard from various sources that whisky was something which relaxed you, or at least kept the anxiety at bay. This was my first time of even trying the harder stuff, but i also had other considerations. I didn't want to consume vast quantities of it, because i drive. So i would only generally have a miniscule amount.
I didn't particularly want it to come to buying alcohol, and in fairness it hasn't really done anything. My family had a long line of alcoholics, it was essentially that which gripped my dad and pretty much killed him over the years, hence my reluctance for getting "a taste" for it. My anxiety would still flare up before starting work (Again, because i would be entering the building, and then later in the day seeing the girl whom i like so very much, yet once again, can't have (aka, getting crushed)).
Because the whisky bottle would be in my car, i would take small amounts of it before starting my shift at work, maybe a swig or two. But, if anyone was around i would end up feeling like a right hobo, and i would be embarrassed at it having to come to that.
So, while the alcohol was a failure, i opted to go down a slightly more positive route rather than ingesting poison into my body. A new wardrobe. I'm a relatively big guy, so stylish clothes are very hard to come by, and those that are fairly stylish come with a nice hefty price-tag.
But i bit the bullet, i decided i wanted to feel good, and the clothes that i previously wore just weren't doing me any good. So i purchased some clothes online and had them sent over to me, i ended up spending about £150-200 over the course of the week just to find some decent pants and new pair of shoes.
The clothes (but not the shoes!) arrived last week and i felt good in them. The only problem was this: Work. For the past few months, virtual strangers to me have become collegues, and even friends. I would basically wear the same stuff day in, and day out (Mainly rotating).
My first day of wearing the new clothes was an absolute nightmare. Well, for the first 30minutes. I got into the carpark of work and started panic'ing thinking i made the wrong choices in wearing new clothes. I reached for my now near-empty bottle of whisky only to relise that a lot of people where starting to walk past. I couldn't drink it infront of them. My anxiety was getting even higher now relising they weren't going to be leaving anytime soon.
I had to go into work, without the aid of the temporary drink solution. I ended up being a bag of nerves. Whats more, the minute i walked into my department i seen one of my "collegues". I opened the door and he glared at me, i died inside thinking "Oh god dammit. He relised, and by that long glare he is probably having a giggle about it now".
Worse was to come though, because i was slightly late due to waiting for the crowd of people to go in the carpark, all the seats in work were taken. So i had to stand up, infront of everyone for about 10-15minutes waiting for a place to sit when people where going home. It. Was. Awkward.
Then, my anxiety in an instant flew away. The girl-whom-i-like-but-can't-have came up behind me, suprised that it was me because i was wearing a lot of new stuff. From anyone else i would have taken it as a negative, but she is a very friendly smiley person, and i knew she mean't it, i felt a lot better after that...
Now, a week in, i'm enjoying my new clothes selections, but i am now wanting to go onto step 3 of my changes. Changing my hairstyle. Back about 5-7 years ago i changed my hairstyle, and i was really happy about it, but eventually i let it grow out and get cut, and i ended up losing the style.
I tampered a bit, so much so that i decided to look into proper grooming of the body and hairstyles (Thanks Youtube!), this mean't things like doing eyebrows and using proper facewashes and things - But on a more evident note, using hairgels.
Sadly i've not mastered the use of hairgels yet, but it maybe insignificant because i want to get it cut by a proper hairstylist, and recoloured. This will be a massive change for me, it has been a long time since i have taken the leap into getting a hairstyle - My problem is that i could never emulate the same hairstyle which the stylist did, so i would end up looking more of an idiot for not doing it right.
While i still feel an air of negativity around me, i just feel like making these small baby-steps towards changing myself can help me in the long run, minus the alcohol. I will probably finish the bottle someday (hey, i bought it! i can't throw away things willy-nilly!) knowing that was a failed experiment, but everything else i feel i can push positively towards.
