College life i.e. no life

[Chilling__Echo]

well i've just returned to college and thought it would be a breeze. here's the story:

over the summer i broke up with my bf of three years, totally swept the feet out from under me and had to basically make myself over again. new me. new friends, starting over after a bout with depression. my first year of college i had no intrest in meeting other people. as soon as the weekend was here, i was at home with my bf. i did meet some people but i'm trying not to make the same mistake...

i return to school and all the anxiety came rushing back to me. like a wave. i felt like a mouse in a lab - all these people i couldn't relate too. all these people around me. i'm supposed to have a single room but no, i live with a stranger - the very thing that my phobia feeds off of.

and my only other best friends' boyfriend is here now and god knows i love the two to death equally and i have other aquantances and my ex goes here and we're adjusting to being friends but i can't get the fear out of my head that i'm going to end up alone! i KNOW what it's like to have a bf and i want to give them space but i'm so childish i feel like i'm being replaced. that's so childish!! like one day they aren't going to be there. none of this came about until after the breakup and now i just can't take being alone. at all.

it's like my mind turns on me as soon as someone leaves the room and leaves me to myself. i start getting that panicy feeling. i've been good with this disorder for a long time now but now it's like it's come back with avengance. i'm so afraid of becoming depressed. what if i loose my friendship with my ex (who was my best friend) and loose everything else? what if i don't adjust and don't meet anyone else? this school is so fucking bad, everyone parties, drinks, it's impossible to meet people like me

i just want to cry all the time. i hate this fucking disorder you guys. it's no longer a disorder to me, it's like a disease, a tumor, a parasite i want to rip off my mind. i can't think rationally without the fear creeping back into my mind. it's like a sick and twisted sci-fi film only my mind is what's coming for me. i can't be by myself!!

nothing's guaranteed in this life, happiness is not promised, companionship is not definate, i can't see my life going back to normal and me adjusting - i know it eventually will but i hate this!! i know one day i'll end up ok. i will end up ok one day. most of you on here that know me that i'm pretty level headed most of the time. i can lead a normal life. i just really need some support, i can't calm down... if i didn't know there were others out there with the same feelings as i do i don't know what i would do...

 

[marki]

Im so sorry that you feel so bad..

I just want to say that I understand your feelings, Im in the same boat as you are, im also going to a new school this year and im also going to meet new people and it scares the hell out of me. I think in the beginning I will also feel just like you, but it just needs some time..You wil feel better after a while.. I know that it doesn't helps for you to hear this, but i just want you to know that your not alone and that i understand how you feel, cause im in the same possition as you are!!

 

[Angie_05]

I'm also in college and I know what it's like to feel like an outcast. I have few friends at my school. Luckily I live off-campus so I don't have to worry about the stranger roommate situation. I'm sure there are others at your school who are like you, only you don't know it because they are hiding in their rooms also.

Everyday I go to class and sit alone and walk through campus alone and avoid the cafeteria because I have no one to sit with. I think that even if I did have friends, I would avoid them because I'm even scared of my own friends and it hurts my relationships.

Last year I was living with my boyfriend, my best friend, but he moved away and I feel lonely. I know it's different than your breakup, but I can relate to the feeling of now having to do everything alone and not having the only one true friend around that you used to have.

If you ever need to talk or are bored in your room, we are here for you.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

thanks to all of you. i'm just trying to stay busy and to think rationally. i've not even started classes yet so i'm just killing time. i've had three days to do that and i DO NOT do well with time on my hands...

like i say, it's not really the break up that's got me down, i think it's just such a big adjustment... and you're right thoughtless, i do see the movies, my fav is amelie so i know they're out there haha. that's the movie that keeps me going. really thanks you all, your responses are greatly appreciated - it helps alot knowing there's others out there. like little life lines that i can gain support from hope you all have better days too... all in due time i guess :wink: