Confidence and relationships

[Argamemnon]

Would you agree with the following statements;

I think being nice, but lacking confidence, is much worse (i.e far less attractive) than being a confident abusive asshole. The majority of woman would choose the latter.

As long as you're confident and aren't butt ugly, you should not have a problem attracting females. You can be an asshole; that's not a problem or disadvantage at all (perhaps only at a later stage in the relationship).

Lacking confidence or being shy is perceived as being worse than cancer in society. Being a genuinely nice and decent person has no benefits at all, if you're shy and lack confidence.

 

[Argamemnon]

I have a relative, a 39 year old player. He can get any women he like. He truly is a selfish asshole, and yet women are crazy about him. If I were a woman, I wouldn't date him even if he was the last man on earth. I'm not accusing women here, but society/people as a whole. Why is shyness, introversion and lack of confidence so unacceptable? We are not criminals.

 

[klytus]

Only from an impressively egocentric point of view could being an abusive 'asshole' be better than an inconfident 'Nice Guy'. After all, the women falling for such overtly aggressive types of men will eventually be hurt, and not seldom physically.

The majority of woman would choose the <the abusive 'asshole'>.

Indeed. But this is no grounds for evaluating which personality type is better in a general context. You may opine that - and I would agree with you - than being aggressive and self-centred facilitates the formation of relationships that eventually lead to sexual encounters, yet ofttimes not much more. That is why I question statements such as yours, which overly generally try to categorize personality types into undue extremes of 'good' and 'bad'.

We are not criminals.

I am certain that being a criminal most definitely appeals to many women.

Aggressive, abusive, egotistical men appear most confident, strong and capable of surviving and sustaining. That very appearance is their sole allure to certain women.

 

[Lea]

I wonder why you still keep creating threads on the same topic. Why, why, why, what do you expect to hear? Or do you think talking about it long enough will magically solve your problem? Of course if you are sitting at home you cannot get a woman, that´s logical (unless through the internet). I think it´s logical that without making the effort you hardly get something. I for example don´t blame men if they ignore or don´t like me, that´s logical if I don´t act in a way to catch attention or don´t smile and flirt, they won´t do that either.

 

[Argamemnon]

Now that I think about it, I think I have OCD.

 

[klytus]

Looking for names of possible sicknesses one might have will definitely get you a girlfriend. People ofttimes do the exact opposite of what they would have to do to solve their problems. A self-destructive personality, mh?

 

[Argamemnon]

How did it not occur to me that I might have OCD. There are certain things that I can't get out of my mind. I'm bombarded by the same thoughts over and over.

 

[Argamemnon]

Looking for names of possible sicknesses one might have will definitely get you a girlfriend. People ofttimes do the exact opposite of what they would have to do to solve their problems. A self-destructive personality, mh?

Sarcasm? Besides, what if you're really ill, it's not something you can control anyway.

 

[klytus]

Besides, what if you're really ill, it's not something you can control anyway.

Having a name for the illness reifies it and by that strengthens its influence on you. This is especially true for mental illnesses.

 

[Argamemnon]

I wonder why you still keep creating threads on the same topic. Why, why, why, what do you expect to hear?

Seriously, I'm not even aware of this, did I create similar threads before?!?!

Now I'm really scared

 

[Argamemnon]

OMG, I must get my head checked. Now, I will start obsessing about OCD ::

 

[Nicholas]

You don't have OCD, unless you have scary intrusive thoughts and they force you to perform a silly "ritual" or something. You are just worried about relationships... Anyway, it's true that most girls often prefer "jerks". However, really nice girls don't really like jerks. They like nice guys. Of course low self-esteem is a negative point in any case, whether you are hot, rich, nice, muscular... or not.
So don't worry: I believe us "nice guys" are what "nice girls" are looking for... but we need to fix our minds first (self-esteem, anxiety).

 

[Kinetik]

Lots of women like men who take charge - charge of their own feelings, their own life decisions, their own fun. It's a very attractive quality to not have to reassure a guy on anything, or be the one responsible for his emotions and happiness. Most women do not want to have to babysit you, and that has nothing to do with being an asshole. It's just that those who ARE assholes often demonstrate the traits that come with what I described - a healthy emotional indifference (ie. not being needy), independence, and strength of character. So it's absolutely possible to be a nice person and still be very attractive to women.

There are a couple more aspects to it though. Basically, everyone wants to feel 'lucky' with their partner. If an asshole can have his pick of women, it becomes a kind of competition, which becomes interesting to some women due to the fact that they want to be the one to win the guy over, and possibly make him change. That's where the other factor comes in - the desire to "fix" him because he's so imperfect, which also has a certain allure to some.

Lots of men act desperately around women, whether it's becoming too jealous and possessive, or simply crowding them by being overbearing and persistent. It makes a woman feel that the guy involved has no standards and that with the potential relationship is going to come with a whole lot of pressure, which nobody wants to have to deal with. An asshole is a breath of fresh air in that regard. Freedom is huge with a lot of people, and that's what an asshole guarantees - because he's not going to be on the phone with her while she's out, dragging her down or asking what she's up to every five minutes. Instead, he's out doing his own thing, functioning on his own merits, and possibly womanizing (which again will heighten that female sense of "I better check on him").

Of course, there are women who feel they simply don't deserve a good man simply because of their own flaws and insecurities. If they become involved with a decent guy, they'll have to play by the rules, and they might feel that they can't live up to the expectations of a normal relationship, or they might not feel ready to settle and do all the mundane things that a 'nice guy' will almost assuredly bring to the table.

I'm sure there's more to this whole thing, but it's interesting to think about nonetheless.

 

[Argamemnon]

Freedom is huge with a lot of people, and that's what an asshole guarantees - because he's not going to be on the phone with her while she's out, dragging her down or asking what she's up to every five minutes. Instead, he's out doing his own thing, functioning on his own merits, and possibly womanizing (which again will heighten that female sense of "I better check on him").

Well, personally I'm not needy at all. I can't tolerate spending time with people all the time. I need lots of space and alone time. So, it's more likely that women would leave me for that reason; needing an unacceptable amount of alone time and privacy. I can maybe tolerate a few hours around people (family etc.) at most, even that is often too much. I'm the type of guy who needs casual sexual relations, but since I'm not an "alpha male" (whatever that means) this is no option.

 

[no1]

Lots of women like men who take charge - charge of their own feelings, their own life decisions, their own fun. It's a very attractive quality to not have to reassure a guy on anything, or be the one responsible for his emotions and happiness. Most women do not want to have to babysit you, and that has nothing to do with being an asshole. It's just that those who ARE assholes often demonstrate the traits that come with what I described - a healthy emotional indifference (ie. not being needy), independence, and strength of character. So it's absolutely possible to be a nice person and still be very attractive to women.

There are a couple more aspects to it though. Basically, everyone wants to feel 'lucky' with their partner. If an asshole can have his pick of women, it becomes a kind of competition, which becomes interesting to some women due to the fact that they want to be the one to win the guy over, and possibly make him change. That's where the other factor comes in - the desire to "fix" him because he's so imperfect, which also has a certain allure to some.

Lots of men act desperately around women, whether it's becoming too jealous and possessive, or simply crowding them by being overbearing and persistent. It makes a woman feel that the guy involved has no standards and that with the potential relationship is going to come with a whole lot of pressure, which nobody wants to have to deal with. An asshole is a breath of fresh air in that regard. Freedom is huge with a lot of people, and that's what an asshole guarantees - because he's not going to be on the phone with her while she's out, dragging her down or asking what she's up to every five minutes. Instead, he's out doing his own thing, functioning on his own merits, and possibly womanizing (which again will heighten that female sense of "I better check on him").

Of course, there are women who feel they simply don't deserve a good man simply because of their own flaws and insecurities. If they become involved with a decent guy, they'll have to play by the rules, and they might feel that they can't live up to the expectations of a normal relationship, or they might not feel ready to settle and do all the mundane things that a 'nice guy' will almost assuredly bring to the table.

I'm sure there's more to this whole thing, but it's interesting to think about nonetheless.

you talk about extremes. Not what a real "good guy" is about and your "asshole" is also an extreme so, why would a woman want any of those 2? You're accepting that women actually LIKE the asshole/badboy for some reason. That's a meme... it's either good or bad. no in-betweens. women don't inherently have to like true assholes, they were just unwitting, and that's a misperception or generalization, because of the sheer numbers of "statistical" claims, people actually start to believe this about themselves and it had become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you fear something too much (if any at all), you "victimize" yourself.

 

[Rodox]

I dont care much what women want, I cant change that,I care about what I want,if it isnt what I want its bye, bye.

 

[tgates209]

Being a nice guy who is very confident in being nice is by far the best in ALL situations.