Confrontations!

[Tim001]

There are many things I hate about SP, but one of my biggest regrets is that I have never been able to stand up for myself. I avoid confrontations at all costs and if I do get in a situation where I need to stand up for my rights, it never ends well.

In an ideal world, people would treat each other with respect and courtesy rather than trying to step over each other to gain some sort of advantage. Sadly, it seems that some view timidness and shyness as a green light to express their “superiority” at the expense of the quieter more reserved person.

I have had several instances where any “normal” person would have stood up for themselves and maintained their dignity, but in my case, I always let it go. If I am forced to confront someone, I stammer and turn so red in the face that I am sure they admit defeat simply to prevent me from having some sort of seizure.

From people stealing parking spots to cutting in front of me in line, to having to complain about some very bad and obviously lousy service, to having to protect someone’s honor; it goes on and on. The end result is usually that I make a fool of myself and afterwards to play it over and over in my head, beating myself up over it. Confrontations like this can make me feel lower than low, long after the incident is over. Disgust, anger and total loss of any self-esteem that I thought I had are pretty much the norm.

An experience like this is like poison to my system. I am miserable for days and feel like I just got my last shred of dignity snatched away. Generally, it takes a lot for me to feel good about myself even if everything is going ok. An incident like this for me is devastating. Anyone else ever feel this way?

Tim

 

[tommydog]

i find confrontation a way of helping my sp (??)

i know it sounds wierd, but i find getting aggressive with someone for a reason, or for no reason, whatever, makes me feel calmer and my sp level goes down, confidence goes up. i guess when im carrying around alot of nervous tension, its an outlet for me in a way

 

[Chilling_Echo]

i can totally relate. i almost never confront people (i say almost never but it seems that because i never do that i always feel the need to stick up for myself)). probably as a result i have ALOT of pent up anger issues, i'm always afraid that people won't know that i am irked or don't care and that just makes me more insecure.

if you're like me, you think of confrontation as an aggressive thing when really the most mature people take it in a calm manner like simply voicing their opinion. just whatever you do, don't let the left over anger take over you

 

[Horatio]

VERY WELL SAID! - couldntve put it better

I feel exactly the same way. Im no good at being assertive or standing up for my rights and I have found that there are two kinds of people out there. Those who identify this weakness yet treat me with respect and those who after identifying my weakness seek to exploit it for their own gain or even just for some kind of egotistical power.

For this reason I pay money for things I shouldnt, dont stand up for myself even when flatmates are taking advantage of me or making me pay an unfair share etc. I NEVER return broken items to shops, Im too afraid to go back to the library cause I lost a book and am too scared of the confrontation. (Even though I LOVE books)

I avoid confrontation at all costs

 

[Dill]

This all sounds very familiar to me. I can't stand up for myself and whenever I do something stupid I always replay it me head ( sometimes even for situations that happen years ago).
But what makes me somehow feel better is that someone once told me that people like us ( with SA) make good lovers and friends

 

[JWH]

I posted something on this topic here a while back. I'll try and find it some time.

I have a strange personality. I will do anything to avoid staying out in public too long. This involves paying in notes only and other general silliness. When in social or group situations I will also volunteer too much help or information so that people will like me. I just do not want to be left behind or blamed for not putting in enough work.

The difference is that when I feel I have enough ground to stand on, I will start to be confident and a little too much so. In group work situations, this is usually fine as it gets things done, but in other situations I can be quite nasty.

 

[applesewer]

I’m the same. I find it incredibly hard to stand up for myself. It was the reason why I was bullied in school. There was one guy who used to just stare at me for the entire length of the lesson, and mumble and whisper threats at me. I could withstand it for a period by making jokes and lightening the atmosphere, but I could never keep that up for the whole lesson, and I’d eventually give up smiling.

But confrontation, I think, is an interesting topic for social phobics, because sometimes you just HAVE to stand up for yourself and at those times you’re forced to differentiate between the irrational fear and the rational reality of what’s actually happening. You need to learn what the RIGHT and WRONG things to do are in situations and then just do them, despite your fears. You know what I mean? Its like you know what the right thing to do is, so you do it, and if you just happen to have some sort of chemical imbalance or faulty wiring in your brain that makes you feel fear when you do it, well, that’s just unlucky.

It’s something I’m currently trying to teach myself about, because there are some things that really don’t matter, like if someone calls you a tosser, you don’t need to confront them, you can just ignore them. But if you buy faulty goods that you need to return, then you’re well within your rights to return it. That’s how commerce works, and if chicken out you’d be letting social anxiety get the better of you. So you’ve just gotta grin and bear it. You may well embarrass yourself but who cares…don’t let it get you down. Try to see positives, i.e. setting examples to other people…I bet many people fear embarrassment, so to see you fighting through it might be inspiring to them. Plus, when you walk out of the shop with brand new goods, having had your say and got your way, it’ll be job done and you’ll feel great.

 

[Anonymous]

I faught professionally for a number of years and suffer from SA.

I hate getting in verbal confrontations. It gets to the point where i get so frustrated i wish i could just fight it out with them rather than talk it out. Not outa anger but more out of a need to establish dominance.

For example at work recently we had a day out. A lady at work who is always saying im too quiet.came and sat next to me. I was joining in but as usuall was having long periods of being quiet. she mumbles under her breath 'dont be shy' and 'come on dont be rude', so that only i could hear. I got really p off. If she wanted me to say something why didnt she just initiate conversation. It may sound trivial but the way she said it was so patronizing. I feel i shoulda said something but just gave in and satrted talkin about something else to her.