I'd like for people who have been bullied in the past to talk about how they have coped with the damage that bullying have done in their lives.
I found myself in this forum because I was feeling particularly miserable one day, and one of my strongest coping mechanisms so far is to try hardest to improve myself when i feel the worst. Little did I know that I would find fulfillment in giving advice to others about what I had gone through rather than trying to find solutions by my lonesome.
So I'd like for people to post a brief history about their bullying, and to enumerate and describe what they have done to regain their self-confidence.
I'll start off. This is partly copied from another post, so it might not be perfectly worded.
I was bullied until 8th grade, but it started earlier than I can even remember. One of my earliest memories is of having rocks thrown in my face by the same piece of **** that made my life miserable for almost 10 years. The bullying has scarred me for life, fear is baked into my existence. I neurotically try to please everybody, always scared of what people think. I'm terrified of trying anything new, i'd rather chew off my arm than ever talk to somebody on the phone.
I speak of regaining self-confidence, because that is how I framed it when I began working (hard) on myself, and trying to get past this. Most of the progress I have made is by heavy reflection and introspection, with maybe 20-25% of it being bits of help from talking to lots of people and a psychologist.
The first and most important step in regaining your confidence is state of mind. If you're constantly thinking about how ****ty you are and how bad you feel about yourself, then it will be even more likely that you will keep thinking this way. Our brain rewires itself in millions of minute ways every day, and (excuse my terrible analogy) if the river of your thoughts keeps carving the same path, then the gulleys you are left with will be ever harder to mould into what you want them to be. Therefore the first important thing you need to do to in the early stages is to keep yourself DISTRACTED. I cannot emphasize this enough. Find an activity you are comfortable with, something that demands all of your attention and energy (so preferably something intensely physical), that you are scheduled to do at least a few times a week.
That thing for me was starting up taking taekwondo lessons again. It builds confidence, is fun, challenging, and requires an immense amount of energy. I always feel great when I walk out of my taekwondo lessons, no matter what. Note that I think violence is never justifiable, and I have never been in a fight in my life.
Now I know what you're thinking, it's not easy to just up and start doing an activity you want to do. I agree, it takes confidence to initiate yourself into something you're not completely comfortable with, even some things you are comfortable with. This is where I suggest something unusual. My substitute for confidence was extreme misery. Every time that I would feel the most miserable about myself, I made a concerted effort to do everything I could to make myself better. If you can focus all the anger and misery into forcing yourself to do something you want to do but are afraid, you would be surprised what you're capable of. I sure was. I've done the most progress on myself when I was at my worst.
I also have a few warnings to offer. Don't fall into the trap of believing that finding a partner will solve all of your confidence problems. That is what I thought. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, a wonderful girl, because I was not happy. I thought I had strong feelings for her, but in the end those strong feelings were fear of being alone. I always felt quite empty, but my mile marker was that if I can't imagine how my life would be without her, then I must love her. Wrong. I had no feelings for her, nor did I have feelings for anyone else in my life. All I had was a crushing, debilitating fear of being alone. I had slaved endlessly to make sure that she was always happy, but in the end I did not know what I wanted to be happy, and did nothing to achieve it. I always thought that if I made everyone else in my life happy, that my happiness would ensue. Double wrong. Every once in a while, you really have to do something just for yourself.
Also, don't believe the myth that fulfilling your childhood dreams, becoming affluent and/or securing a bright future will make you feel better about yourself. It won't. I got a degree in computer science and got a dream job programming, with a bright future. I make good money, have the car of my dreams, a nice apartment, everything I could ever want, and all of this much younger than I would have ever imagined. It doesn't matter, it's all just hollow nothingness. I am not at all happier than when I had nothing. What I do have that really matters to me though, is friends. They will always be with me, and I am glad that I did not wait too long to tell them how I felt. Don't wait too long to tell your friends they are important to you.
That's all I can think of for now, I will post more as I make progress.
Disclaimer: I do not want to pretend like I know anything, or that I've solved all my problems, far from it. I'm just sharing what my experience has been. I can be completely wrong in every way, you should just take what works for you and leave the rest.
I found myself in this forum because I was feeling particularly miserable one day, and one of my strongest coping mechanisms so far is to try hardest to improve myself when i feel the worst. Little did I know that I would find fulfillment in giving advice to others about what I had gone through rather than trying to find solutions by my lonesome.
So I'd like for people to post a brief history about their bullying, and to enumerate and describe what they have done to regain their self-confidence.
I'll start off. This is partly copied from another post, so it might not be perfectly worded.
I was bullied until 8th grade, but it started earlier than I can even remember. One of my earliest memories is of having rocks thrown in my face by the same piece of **** that made my life miserable for almost 10 years. The bullying has scarred me for life, fear is baked into my existence. I neurotically try to please everybody, always scared of what people think. I'm terrified of trying anything new, i'd rather chew off my arm than ever talk to somebody on the phone.
I speak of regaining self-confidence, because that is how I framed it when I began working (hard) on myself, and trying to get past this. Most of the progress I have made is by heavy reflection and introspection, with maybe 20-25% of it being bits of help from talking to lots of people and a psychologist.
The first and most important step in regaining your confidence is state of mind. If you're constantly thinking about how ****ty you are and how bad you feel about yourself, then it will be even more likely that you will keep thinking this way. Our brain rewires itself in millions of minute ways every day, and (excuse my terrible analogy) if the river of your thoughts keeps carving the same path, then the gulleys you are left with will be ever harder to mould into what you want them to be. Therefore the first important thing you need to do to in the early stages is to keep yourself DISTRACTED. I cannot emphasize this enough. Find an activity you are comfortable with, something that demands all of your attention and energy (so preferably something intensely physical), that you are scheduled to do at least a few times a week.
That thing for me was starting up taking taekwondo lessons again. It builds confidence, is fun, challenging, and requires an immense amount of energy. I always feel great when I walk out of my taekwondo lessons, no matter what. Note that I think violence is never justifiable, and I have never been in a fight in my life.
Now I know what you're thinking, it's not easy to just up and start doing an activity you want to do. I agree, it takes confidence to initiate yourself into something you're not completely comfortable with, even some things you are comfortable with. This is where I suggest something unusual. My substitute for confidence was extreme misery. Every time that I would feel the most miserable about myself, I made a concerted effort to do everything I could to make myself better. If you can focus all the anger and misery into forcing yourself to do something you want to do but are afraid, you would be surprised what you're capable of. I sure was. I've done the most progress on myself when I was at my worst.
I also have a few warnings to offer. Don't fall into the trap of believing that finding a partner will solve all of your confidence problems. That is what I thought. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, a wonderful girl, because I was not happy. I thought I had strong feelings for her, but in the end those strong feelings were fear of being alone. I always felt quite empty, but my mile marker was that if I can't imagine how my life would be without her, then I must love her. Wrong. I had no feelings for her, nor did I have feelings for anyone else in my life. All I had was a crushing, debilitating fear of being alone. I had slaved endlessly to make sure that she was always happy, but in the end I did not know what I wanted to be happy, and did nothing to achieve it. I always thought that if I made everyone else in my life happy, that my happiness would ensue. Double wrong. Every once in a while, you really have to do something just for yourself.
Also, don't believe the myth that fulfilling your childhood dreams, becoming affluent and/or securing a bright future will make you feel better about yourself. It won't. I got a degree in computer science and got a dream job programming, with a bright future. I make good money, have the car of my dreams, a nice apartment, everything I could ever want, and all of this much younger than I would have ever imagined. It doesn't matter, it's all just hollow nothingness. I am not at all happier than when I had nothing. What I do have that really matters to me though, is friends. They will always be with me, and I am glad that I did not wait too long to tell them how I felt. Don't wait too long to tell your friends they are important to you.
That's all I can think of for now, I will post more as I make progress.
Disclaimer: I do not want to pretend like I know anything, or that I've solved all my problems, far from it. I'm just sharing what my experience has been. I can be completely wrong in every way, you should just take what works for you and leave the rest.
