skins
1
I remember back to the day, would have been about 4 years ago no, I was in a stable job, a few good friends, a good income, life was o.k. I remember thinking back to the past that day, back to before I got a job when things were much worse…living on welfare, with no friends and my life going seemingly no-where. I was thinking at how pathetic my life was back then and how good it was that my life was finally back on the rails of what most people would consider as being a “normal” existence. I was thinking at how there is no way that I would ever have to go back to that sort of life now that things were on track. Life would just go onwards and upwards from here on in.
How wrong I was! Do you ever feel that your life is just a series of bad luck stories intertwined with brief interruptions of stability and reasonable fortune? Mine is….every time, every time things seem to be going o.k for me, whether it be a good job, a good girlfriend or whatever….it seems that in time the universe will conspire against me to bring it all crashing back down again….back down to where I belong, subsisting, struggling and barely surviving….I work hard to get my head above water only to have the shackles once again clamped back around my ankles to sink me back to the depths of despair. Like a drug addict that relapses after a short period of being clean. It’s either a bad decision, bad luck, or just plain coincidence that’s the catalyst, but the end result is always the same, back to square one. And so here I am, once again finding myself in the same situation I described looking back on, with no job, severe depression and AvPD with no prospects on the horizon. Some people describe it as being their destiny with the situation in which they continually find themselves being drawn back to. Well mine seems to be a destiny of a crap life, for whatever reason.
Sure there’s been a few cycles of good since that time….in the first instance it was just a really bad decision that caused the crash, I gave up an opportunity presented to me, all because I thought I needed a change of scenery, I thought I would just fall into a similar job soon enough given I had fallen into this first one.
The next was really just bad luck…again I had finally found an ok job that I would have been happy to keep. Crashing the boss’s new car put an end to that one. Being entirely my fault for the crash the boss soon found a reason to sack my ass, not using the excuse for the crash as the reason, but deep down I knew it was and could even sense it coming. And so the cycle continues, along with many other examples I could give. So much so, its now so far ingrained in me that when ever something goes right for a change, I’m continually looking over my shoulder, looking and waiting for that grim reaper of bad luck to come along and once again take my feet out from underneath me. To take me down a peg or two to back where I belong. Why do I even bother trying anymore? Why? Well for now I’m not, you win Mr reaper, i give up, its just too hard.
How wrong I was! Do you ever feel that your life is just a series of bad luck stories intertwined with brief interruptions of stability and reasonable fortune? Mine is….every time, every time things seem to be going o.k for me, whether it be a good job, a good girlfriend or whatever….it seems that in time the universe will conspire against me to bring it all crashing back down again….back down to where I belong, subsisting, struggling and barely surviving….I work hard to get my head above water only to have the shackles once again clamped back around my ankles to sink me back to the depths of despair. Like a drug addict that relapses after a short period of being clean. It’s either a bad decision, bad luck, or just plain coincidence that’s the catalyst, but the end result is always the same, back to square one. And so here I am, once again finding myself in the same situation I described looking back on, with no job, severe depression and AvPD with no prospects on the horizon. Some people describe it as being their destiny with the situation in which they continually find themselves being drawn back to. Well mine seems to be a destiny of a crap life, for whatever reason.
Sure there’s been a few cycles of good since that time….in the first instance it was just a really bad decision that caused the crash, I gave up an opportunity presented to me, all because I thought I needed a change of scenery, I thought I would just fall into a similar job soon enough given I had fallen into this first one.
The next was really just bad luck…again I had finally found an ok job that I would have been happy to keep. Crashing the boss’s new car put an end to that one. Being entirely my fault for the crash the boss soon found a reason to sack my ass, not using the excuse for the crash as the reason, but deep down I knew it was and could even sense it coming. And so the cycle continues, along with many other examples I could give. So much so, its now so far ingrained in me that when ever something goes right for a change, I’m continually looking over my shoulder, looking and waiting for that grim reaper of bad luck to come along and once again take my feet out from underneath me. To take me down a peg or two to back where I belong. Why do I even bother trying anymore? Why? Well for now I’m not, you win Mr reaper, i give up, its just too hard.