shhhh
Member
Tomorrow's the big day. No not bloody valentine's card day or whatever, though it is that. Tomorrow I have the first court date in the trial for custody of my 5 year old daughter. I'm pretty freaked out. I have no lawyer, I'm doing it myself, and I've never done this kind of thing before. They'll probably end up throwing me in jail it'll go so bad.
I'm the kind of person where going to the store to buy a bag of whatever is not much less frightening than wandering alone through a woods after dark ... well, I'm sure if you're on this site you know what I mean.
So of course the logical thing to do is stand up and represent myself in court. What the hell was I thinking?
I'm actually pretty well prepared, I've written everything out in excruciating detail and have a series of excellent arguments as to why my girl should be with me. At least I think I do. Anyway, I have done my absolute best with it, and that's all I can do.
But how am I going to deal with standing there with all authoritative eyes on me while I do the most important thing I've ever done in my life?!?!?! I'll get through it because I have to. I've got to do this and no excuses.
So of course it's been the worst past couple of weeks of my life and I'm a complete, broken, snapped, cracked mess of a puddle of a friggin human being. My job, which is severly affected by my SP, is going very badly as of late, because I'm so freakin bruised from all of the aborted, bloody, twisted social enounters which try to happen at work, but just leave me feeling like ripping my own head off. I'm withdrawing, by choice and of my own volition, from prescription opiates, while maintaining all of my responsibilites, which means still going to work and still looking after my daughter. On top of that, I'm losing my mind for real this time. The years of pushing myself through the limits to plow through the pain of getting through life with this impossible internal situation have taken a real, calculable toll, and I am basically at the end of the storied rope, dangling by three slippery fingers over the gurgling lava pit of my f*&ked mind.
With this mess inside me, unable to speak or make eye contact, full of sharp things that cut me with every thought, it occurs to me, should I be the father of this little child?!?!?!? I am an excellent dad, I suck at absolutely everything else in life (except programming computers, yes I'm a classic case), except being a dad, she loves being with me, and we have a blast.
But I KNOW the truth of me. I exist in constant internal agony. She WILL see that in my eyes. She WILL feel that. When we are sitting reading together, and on the surface all is well, we are having a good time, but internally, blades made of anxiety are spinning around and cutting me apart, relentless emotional pain, I KNOW she senses this. WHAT EFFECT WILL THIS HAVE ON MY CHILD?!?!?!?!?!?
There is no way this affliction can be passed on to my girl. There is nothing worse that could possibly happen. Tie me to the horses and rip me apart.
Lately the nights have been really bad. I've never felt this way before. I cannot sleep. My mind just spins and spins and spins, I know you've all felt that sort of thing, everyone does, but man, believe me, this is different. My mind is not just spinning, it's disintegrating. I'm not being hypochondriac, I beat that years ago. We all have limits. I never thought I could actually lose my sanity, but when the freakin demons of the night ... I don't want to get in to this. Suffice it to say that my self finds it-self in some genuine jeopardy. I think I might be falling apart.
Ok. Maybe a situation where a socially phobic / panic disorder painfully shy lonely maniac with an evil x-wife and an extremely stressful job, is withdrawing off of opiates, has something to do with it.
Whatever.
The point is, now I am doubting my capacity to be a good parent due to the stress that's been applied to this nervous system. Which has limits.
And tomorrow I have to present my case. The architect of the universe is laughing at me, I know it. What a setup.
So I boggled the internet looking for social phobia. Never done that before, found this site, typed this in, well, I''ll click submit and it'll all disappear because I typed too long and my session expired, whatever.
Good night. Good luck. I'll post about what happens at court in case anyone won't be avoiding anything from me like the ... plaque?
I'm the kind of person where going to the store to buy a bag of whatever is not much less frightening than wandering alone through a woods after dark ... well, I'm sure if you're on this site you know what I mean.
So of course the logical thing to do is stand up and represent myself in court. What the hell was I thinking?
I'm actually pretty well prepared, I've written everything out in excruciating detail and have a series of excellent arguments as to why my girl should be with me. At least I think I do. Anyway, I have done my absolute best with it, and that's all I can do.
But how am I going to deal with standing there with all authoritative eyes on me while I do the most important thing I've ever done in my life?!?!?! I'll get through it because I have to. I've got to do this and no excuses.
So of course it's been the worst past couple of weeks of my life and I'm a complete, broken, snapped, cracked mess of a puddle of a friggin human being. My job, which is severly affected by my SP, is going very badly as of late, because I'm so freakin bruised from all of the aborted, bloody, twisted social enounters which try to happen at work, but just leave me feeling like ripping my own head off. I'm withdrawing, by choice and of my own volition, from prescription opiates, while maintaining all of my responsibilites, which means still going to work and still looking after my daughter. On top of that, I'm losing my mind for real this time. The years of pushing myself through the limits to plow through the pain of getting through life with this impossible internal situation have taken a real, calculable toll, and I am basically at the end of the storied rope, dangling by three slippery fingers over the gurgling lava pit of my f*&ked mind.
With this mess inside me, unable to speak or make eye contact, full of sharp things that cut me with every thought, it occurs to me, should I be the father of this little child?!?!?!? I am an excellent dad, I suck at absolutely everything else in life (except programming computers, yes I'm a classic case), except being a dad, she loves being with me, and we have a blast.
But I KNOW the truth of me. I exist in constant internal agony. She WILL see that in my eyes. She WILL feel that. When we are sitting reading together, and on the surface all is well, we are having a good time, but internally, blades made of anxiety are spinning around and cutting me apart, relentless emotional pain, I KNOW she senses this. WHAT EFFECT WILL THIS HAVE ON MY CHILD?!?!?!?!?!?
There is no way this affliction can be passed on to my girl. There is nothing worse that could possibly happen. Tie me to the horses and rip me apart.
Lately the nights have been really bad. I've never felt this way before. I cannot sleep. My mind just spins and spins and spins, I know you've all felt that sort of thing, everyone does, but man, believe me, this is different. My mind is not just spinning, it's disintegrating. I'm not being hypochondriac, I beat that years ago. We all have limits. I never thought I could actually lose my sanity, but when the freakin demons of the night ... I don't want to get in to this. Suffice it to say that my self finds it-self in some genuine jeopardy. I think I might be falling apart.
Ok. Maybe a situation where a socially phobic / panic disorder painfully shy lonely maniac with an evil x-wife and an extremely stressful job, is withdrawing off of opiates, has something to do with it.
Whatever.
The point is, now I am doubting my capacity to be a good parent due to the stress that's been applied to this nervous system. Which has limits.
And tomorrow I have to present my case. The architect of the universe is laughing at me, I know it. What a setup.
So I boggled the internet looking for social phobia. Never done that before, found this site, typed this in, well, I''ll click submit and it'll all disappear because I typed too long and my session expired, whatever.
Good night. Good luck. I'll post about what happens at court in case anyone won't be avoiding anything from me like the ... plaque?