Dealing with rejection?
- Thread starter Kanon
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lassokid
Member
Yeah i definitely experienced the sting of rejection bout a month ago. I was really seeing potential with this one girl who invited me to a last-day-club-celebration event. She is a quiet girl and I've always had an interest in her. I remember being pretty nervous walking to the place, which was outside and surrounded by some trees. I was afraid that she wasn't gonna be there as I walked in and every1 would kno I was up to something since it's obvious I wasn't from that club. So being nervous and shy, I walked around the place to see if she was there. Finally, I mustered the courage to walk in and immediately we saw each other. That day was great. We smiled a lot and sat next to each other talkin'. Heck I even got to dance with her.
The next time, I saw her on campus and so I decided to walk with her. I held the door for her, shared some of my breakfast with her, and walked with her to her class.
So, I was really excited after that; however, she has been ignoring me ever since. I've pm'ed her whether we could have lunch together before the semester was over. I waited for days, weeks; she never responded. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, so I sent another message; still, no reply. Just a while ago, I saw her sending messages on Facebook that she would usually send to me. She sent some to several guys, but not me, so I know she was ignoring for real. This had hurt me deeply and totally destroyed my self-esteem. I had voices in my head telling me that I went too far. I probably made her uncomfortable by walking with her to class. I probably scared the hell outa her. She probably thinks I'm a freak. I don't deserve her.
It's been bout a month and I've gotten better. I'm a pretty sensitive guy and can sometimes easily get hurt, but now I'm definitely more careful about "giving" my heart out to others because others do not know how much it is worth. I think one thing that has given me a lot of strength was just reasoning in my mind, "am I really that bad of a person?"... "Although I have been rejected by this girl that I was really interested in, am I really a freak?" I mean I kno without a shadow of a doubt I was a total gentleman; I held the door for her, shared food with her, and accompanied her to class. I mean, if I do all this and I deserve to feel worthless, then this is really stupid. I see a lot of guys treating girls like crap, commenting here and there, and they get to put their arms around girls and I'm doin' the best I can to show that I care for that girl and I deserve to feel bad? do i really deserve to feel that I'm not worth anything even when I'm stepping out of my comfort zone to do things I'm usually uncomfortable doing? I think this is insane. I'm not perfect, but I don't think I'm a bad person just cuz she rejected and ignored me.
So after that mental battle. Now, I'm finding a lot more pride in doing what I'm doing. I find a lot more contentment in my work and hobbies, now that I try not to find contentment in thinking about being with that girl. I'm definitely more cautious now. I'm not going to give someone my heart if they don't show me that they value me, lest that happens again. I'm definitely still open and not bitter, though sometimes it kinda makes me angry (used to make me depressed for days), but I'm definitely more confident in myself, knowing that I did my best as a shy person. Now, I won't let myself fall under depression, cuz I kno I was a gentleman and still will be no matter what happens.
The next time, I saw her on campus and so I decided to walk with her. I held the door for her, shared some of my breakfast with her, and walked with her to her class.
So, I was really excited after that; however, she has been ignoring me ever since. I've pm'ed her whether we could have lunch together before the semester was over. I waited for days, weeks; she never responded. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, so I sent another message; still, no reply. Just a while ago, I saw her sending messages on Facebook that she would usually send to me. She sent some to several guys, but not me, so I know she was ignoring for real. This had hurt me deeply and totally destroyed my self-esteem. I had voices in my head telling me that I went too far. I probably made her uncomfortable by walking with her to class. I probably scared the hell outa her. She probably thinks I'm a freak. I don't deserve her.
It's been bout a month and I've gotten better. I'm a pretty sensitive guy and can sometimes easily get hurt, but now I'm definitely more careful about "giving" my heart out to others because others do not know how much it is worth. I think one thing that has given me a lot of strength was just reasoning in my mind, "am I really that bad of a person?"... "Although I have been rejected by this girl that I was really interested in, am I really a freak?" I mean I kno without a shadow of a doubt I was a total gentleman; I held the door for her, shared food with her, and accompanied her to class. I mean, if I do all this and I deserve to feel worthless, then this is really stupid. I see a lot of guys treating girls like crap, commenting here and there, and they get to put their arms around girls and I'm doin' the best I can to show that I care for that girl and I deserve to feel bad? do i really deserve to feel that I'm not worth anything even when I'm stepping out of my comfort zone to do things I'm usually uncomfortable doing? I think this is insane. I'm not perfect, but I don't think I'm a bad person just cuz she rejected and ignored me.
So after that mental battle. Now, I'm finding a lot more pride in doing what I'm doing. I find a lot more contentment in my work and hobbies, now that I try not to find contentment in thinking about being with that girl. I'm definitely more cautious now. I'm not going to give someone my heart if they don't show me that they value me, lest that happens again. I'm definitely still open and not bitter, though sometimes it kinda makes me angry (used to make me depressed for days), but I'm definitely more confident in myself, knowing that I did my best as a shy person. Now, I won't let myself fall under depression, cuz I kno I was a gentleman and still will be no matter what happens.
Kanon
Well-known member
lassokid, thanks for posting that.
This has been a mystery for "nice guys" since the beginning of time (or so I hear). I am not an expert, but from my observations, girls seem to be attracted to not only confidence, but the fact that a guy doesn't "need" her. She wants to feel like she has done something special to win the guy's heart. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to been mean and overconfident, but like you said, do not give anyone your heart unless they see the value in it. Then both of you can work toward a relationship instead of one chasing the other.
Did you have any ways that you dealt with rejection this last month?
It could be possible that you slightly overstepped your boudaries with her, and she is just needing a bit of space for the moment. You should wait awhile and then message her out of the blue. Don't mention anything about why she hasn't been talking to you, but a simple, "Hey, what have you been up to lately?" etc, might get you back into her comfort zone.
This has been a mystery for "nice guys" since the beginning of time (or so I hear). I am not an expert, but from my observations, girls seem to be attracted to not only confidence, but the fact that a guy doesn't "need" her. She wants to feel like she has done something special to win the guy's heart. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to been mean and overconfident, but like you said, do not give anyone your heart unless they see the value in it. Then both of you can work toward a relationship instead of one chasing the other.
Did you have any ways that you dealt with rejection this last month?
It could be possible that you slightly overstepped your boudaries with her, and she is just needing a bit of space for the moment. You should wait awhile and then message her out of the blue. Don't mention anything about why she hasn't been talking to you, but a simple, "Hey, what have you been up to lately?" etc, might get you back into her comfort zone.
lostinspace
Member
lassokid said:
I am a nice guy too...extremely sensitive...and have been treated horribly by women over the years. I tend to fall hard and fast for someone and when they inevitably reject me I usually go into a deep depression and think about killing myself. Thank God I never have as that would have been the wrong thing to do every single time. When I look back, none of the women would have been worth it and there's no reason I should have to die just because someone doesn't like me or doesn't think I'm good enough or whatever. I'm better off without people like that in my life anyway.
The best piece of advice a woman who was rejecting me gave me was: "You have to guard your heart." It's so true. Our hearts are valuable and we need to protect them.
EDITED
lassokid
Member
Thanks for the reply. Please bear with me as this is going to sound like a sermon. This whole thing was actually a bit more complicated. I'm a Christian. I guess you could say I was either a devout Christian or a very insecure Christian, since I devoted this relationship to God like everyday. I prayed so many times about this. Before I said anything to that girl, I probably already prayed about that incident for quite some time. So when this rejection came, I was really confused. My faith was a mess after that. I couldn't believe God led me to this point and then let the whole thing blow up when I was talking to Him everyday and so in a way, I also felt rejected by God, because I kept reasoning in my mind that He let this happen to give me pain so I could "grow," so I wouldn't love her more than God. But I'm a lot better now. I do believe Jesus/God was with me the whole time. He saw my sincerity and my desire to make it work. I think God's lesson for me is not to put my heart on things that can change on the flip of a dime, but on things that are always there, which is His love.
I think this rejection was not the real problem, but many things that have happened in my childhood. I remember I was told that when I was a toddler, I was playing on this toy truck or something, and then another toddler approached me and put his hand on the handle of the truck I was sitting on. Without hesitation, I stood up, gave him the toy, and went and played with something else. My mom used to say that she always saw toddlers fighting over toys and I was the only one not to fight. When I thought about that, I was like, dang...I was probably more Christian back then than I'am now cuz my heart was so pure and just came from my creator. Of course with time, I started to show more hostility. I hated going to this daycare center as a kid. I felt very afraid, uncomfortable, and alone; and consequently ate nothing from like morning to afternoon, but I had no choice. I think a lot of the feeling of rejection probably stemmed from childhood, so receiving healing here is probably more important than most ppl think.
I think this rejection was not the real problem, but many things that have happened in my childhood. I remember I was told that when I was a toddler, I was playing on this toy truck or something, and then another toddler approached me and put his hand on the handle of the truck I was sitting on. Without hesitation, I stood up, gave him the toy, and went and played with something else. My mom used to say that she always saw toddlers fighting over toys and I was the only one not to fight. When I thought about that, I was like, dang...I was probably more Christian back then than I'am now cuz my heart was so pure and just came from my creator. Of course with time, I started to show more hostility. I hated going to this daycare center as a kid. I felt very afraid, uncomfortable, and alone; and consequently ate nothing from like morning to afternoon, but I had no choice. I think a lot of the feeling of rejection probably stemmed from childhood, so receiving healing here is probably more important than most ppl think.
uninspired_lady
Member
I don't feel rejection anymore. I've dealt with feelings of depression for so long and the hell it brings that any other type of emotion seems petty in comparison.
YankeeBob
Well-known member
Rejection Issues
Some interesting reading I have been doing on friendships over last few months suggested following:
"It takes ENERGY ( effortr ) for two people to build a frienship. With shy people who lack self esteem and self confidence it takes much longer, and higher rate of ambiguity in their behaviour."
The upshot of this point is that if I as a shy man make an effort with another shy person, well I should expect some dysfunctional behaviour. Some mixed signals, and mental anguish.
So some guidelines for my own sanity are important:
1) Don't expect too much if the other person is shy;
2) Friendships will take a couple of years to develop; its not like getting cash out of an ATM.
3) Rejection is normal for everyone. However for those of us with high amounts of isolation/low self esteem it is harder to deal with.
4) Isolation will kill us. Making friends, however risky, will set us free.
Hope these ideas might help someone else.
Take care. Be well.
Some interesting reading I have been doing on friendships over last few months suggested following:
"It takes ENERGY ( effortr ) for two people to build a frienship. With shy people who lack self esteem and self confidence it takes much longer, and higher rate of ambiguity in their behaviour."
The upshot of this point is that if I as a shy man make an effort with another shy person, well I should expect some dysfunctional behaviour. Some mixed signals, and mental anguish.
So some guidelines for my own sanity are important:
1) Don't expect too much if the other person is shy;
2) Friendships will take a couple of years to develop; its not like getting cash out of an ATM.
3) Rejection is normal for everyone. However for those of us with high amounts of isolation/low self esteem it is harder to deal with.
4) Isolation will kill us. Making friends, however risky, will set us free.
Hope these ideas might help someone else.
Take care. Be well.
Kanon
Well-known member
Re: Rejection Issues
That makes perfect sense. Over the last month, a few of those guidelines have been key for me to create a more confident self.
Okay, a bit of a side topic change. Everyone says that there are signals to look for when talking to the opposite sex (applies to both male and female) that one is supposed to look for to see if he/she may have an interest in you. Are any of the signals meaningful, because almost every girl I have had an interest in did almost all of the "signs" of interest, but things never turned out in the end. Does anyone know the answer to that?
YankeeBob said:
That makes perfect sense. Over the last month, a few of those guidelines have been key for me to create a more confident self.
Okay, a bit of a side topic change. Everyone says that there are signals to look for when talking to the opposite sex (applies to both male and female) that one is supposed to look for to see if he/she may have an interest in you. Are any of the signals meaningful, because almost every girl I have had an interest in did almost all of the "signs" of interest, but things never turned out in the end. Does anyone know the answer to that?
Rejection, proberly one of my worst if not the worst memery I have. Im curious if it was the rejection of my supposed 3 best friends 4 years ago that started my shyness. I knew these guys since I was 6 from primary school, but unfortunately I was not deemed "cool" enough to hang out with them anymore it got to the point where they would only talk to me if I talked to them first, and after the backstabbing I gave up and never heard from them again. But I guess ive learnt one thing you cant trust anyone. Or so I thought until I did slowly start a recovery and made a few new friendships at college, perhaps even life long friends.
Im still not at all comfortable in new encounters, but this memory is fading their voices of betyral are quietening, perhaps one day I will get to the confidence level of my childhood.
Im still not at all comfortable in new encounters, but this memory is fading their voices of betyral are quietening, perhaps one day I will get to the confidence level of my childhood.