Odo
Banned
I can relate. Every time someone goes by on a motorcycle or drives by with 'dat bass' thumping I want to invent some sort of device so that I can shoot eggs at them.
Diary publication thread of mine
- Thread starter Nanita
- Start date
I can relate. Every time someone goes by on a motorcycle or drives by with 'dat bass' thumping I want to invent some sort of device so that I can shoot eggs at them.
Odo
Banned
Nanita
Well-known member
Heavenly :brindis: cheers to that
I wanna throw little hard batteries, and possibly sticks, and greasy garbage, at annoying people in my building.
Nanita
Well-known member
Last night I dreamt about a friendship that faded. In the dream, she was in a bar/club, dancing around with her best friend, wearing costumes. I was outside, looking in. Fully aware of the reasons why we're no longer friends. I didn't even enjoy being around her for the last years of our friendship. But I wanted to be a different person so that I could have stayed her friend.
I then dreamt I was performing, playing my guitar and singing, I was in a band again. But the amplifier looked small and stupid, the guitar sounded bad and suddenly it was too heavy for me to carry, weighing down on my shoulders. I had to put it down and left.
Pretty much like irl.
Waking up, I sense the wellknown fact that my current existance does not matter and merely is to be endured untill I can finally die and be free.
I then dreamt I was performing, playing my guitar and singing, I was in a band again. But the amplifier looked small and stupid, the guitar sounded bad and suddenly it was too heavy for me to carry, weighing down on my shoulders. I had to put it down and left.
Pretty much like irl.
Waking up, I sense the wellknown fact that my current existance does not matter and merely is to be endured untill I can finally die and be free.
Nanita
Well-known member
Last night at 9pm my sister texted me and said they are having a lunch gettogether today and asked me if I wanted to come. I want to come and I'm going, but aso I'm feeling the usual "my sister and her family never visits me or even replies to my invites, yet I always visit them and aceept their invites".
Today I feel so tired, exhausted actually. My eyes are itchy and hurt from not sleeping properly. I don't have any energy to go visit them, but I really want to see my 3 nieces. If I don't visit my sister, I won't get to see my nieces, it's that simple. They would never come see me, even if I invited or tried to make fun plans. I tried all that and it never works.
I'm so bad at having relations with people, especially family.
I'm so bad at knowing how to go about making plans with people or inviting people to visit me.
Some peope just simply ask their family (and friends) "hi, do you want to go with me to this" or "hi, do you want to come to my place next week", and tadaah they actually succeed with it. But no of course not me, I don't get anything out of inviting anyone, I only get rejection or no reply.
I'm alone and lonely and I can't function.
I wish sleep could turn into death tonight.
Today I feel so tired, exhausted actually. My eyes are itchy and hurt from not sleeping properly. I don't have any energy to go visit them, but I really want to see my 3 nieces. If I don't visit my sister, I won't get to see my nieces, it's that simple. They would never come see me, even if I invited or tried to make fun plans. I tried all that and it never works.
I'm so bad at having relations with people, especially family.
I'm so bad at knowing how to go about making plans with people or inviting people to visit me.
Some peope just simply ask their family (and friends) "hi, do you want to go with me to this" or "hi, do you want to come to my place next week", and tadaah they actually succeed with it. But no of course not me, I don't get anything out of inviting anyone, I only get rejection or no reply.
I'm alone and lonely and I can't function.
I wish sleep could turn into death tonight.
Nanita
Well-known member
Rant.
I can't stand the expectations or beliefs that most "well functioning" people have. It's something I've noticed over and over, whenever I've spoken to someone "normal" and well functioning. They expect that I have friends or at least strong family relationships. They expect me to have a way to be online at all times. They expect me to have a drivers license, a job, an educations, goals, plans for the future. They expect me to have somewhere to go for new year's eve. They expect me to have plans for the weekend, the holidays, the whatever. I can't stand being reminded of the many things I don't have and things I'm not capable of. Stupid norms and stupid technology. I want to be a cat.
I can't stand the expectations or beliefs that most "well functioning" people have. It's something I've noticed over and over, whenever I've spoken to someone "normal" and well functioning. They expect that I have friends or at least strong family relationships. They expect me to have a way to be online at all times. They expect me to have a drivers license, a job, an educations, goals, plans for the future. They expect me to have somewhere to go for new year's eve. They expect me to have plans for the weekend, the holidays, the whatever. I can't stand being reminded of the many things I don't have and things I'm not capable of. Stupid norms and stupid technology. I want to be a cat.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
I know exactly how you feel. This is why I avoid people at all costs if it can be helped, they make me feel so awful about myself. Everyone's so pointlessly competitive! I am trying to structure my life at some point, if I can, to just be a passive observer. That is the only way I can get through the day is the thought that someday I might be able to do that. Sit back and watch the freak show and not get sucked into it. That is my only real goal.
Nanita
Well-known member
Thanks Molly <3
Yes, to sit back and watch whatever passes by, like a cat, is what I want to do as well
Nanita
Well-known member
I have a sore infected throat, I feel exhausted all day and all night, I feel warm, my face feels like it's boiling.
My general health has been bad since 2011 when I had an infection. Since then I haven't felt completely well at all, and I keep having these flu-like symptoms.
There's also days when I feel less ill, but I never feel 100% well.
I'm tired of living like this, feeling physically exhausted everyday.
Furthermore I have tinnitus and it's gotten worse over the past 6 months or so, I can hear it all the time now.
I could go for some dying right now.
My general health has been bad since 2011 when I had an infection. Since then I haven't felt completely well at all, and I keep having these flu-like symptoms.
There's also days when I feel less ill, but I never feel 100% well.
I'm tired of living like this, feeling physically exhausted everyday.
Furthermore I have tinnitus and it's gotten worse over the past 6 months or so, I can hear it all the time now.
I could go for some dying right now.
Nanita
Well-known member
Why do I even write here. I guess it's just a way of getting things out of my head. Also sometimes it's useful to read what I've written after a couple of years, to look back and go : "oh yeah I used to be bothered by that, how entertaining... or how sad".
I do sometimes write in a real actual diary too, which might be better because there is something beneficial about writing things down with a pen, to me it feels more powerful.
I don't even know. Why do anything anymore, I almost don't care.
Nothing I do matters. Why even do things, nothing changes me anyway.
I'm still really ill, my face is all warm, my throat hurts, my right arm hurts, I can hear the tinnitus constantly.
My right arm and shoulder always hurts after I've done something like vacuuming or carrying groceries, or anything really. I feel so weak, sick, exhausted, useless.
I'm haunted by traumas and memories.
God I hate living I hate living
I do sometimes write in a real actual diary too, which might be better because there is something beneficial about writing things down with a pen, to me it feels more powerful.
I don't even know. Why do anything anymore, I almost don't care.
Nothing I do matters. Why even do things, nothing changes me anyway.
I'm still really ill, my face is all warm, my throat hurts, my right arm hurts, I can hear the tinnitus constantly.
My right arm and shoulder always hurts after I've done something like vacuuming or carrying groceries, or anything really. I feel so weak, sick, exhausted, useless.
I'm haunted by traumas and memories.
God I hate living I hate living
Nanita
Well-known member
Today I feel somewhat better, both physically and mentally/emotionally.
I feel bad for being in such a horrible mood for all these days, spreading angry, sad energy eveywhere I go.
I guess I'm still in a bad mood/depressed, but today there's less doom and despair.
Today I saw a dead hedgehog on the street. At first I thought it was still alive, but then I saw all the blood underneath it how awful. I wish people would pay more attention and be more careful in traffic.
I feel bad for being in such a horrible mood for all these days, spreading angry, sad energy eveywhere I go.
I guess I'm still in a bad mood/depressed, but today there's less doom and despair.
Today I saw a dead hedgehog on the street. At first I thought it was still alive, but then I saw all the blood underneath it
how awful. I wish people would pay more attention and be more careful in traffic.
Nanita
Well-known member
I can't have a good time and I can't make friends and I can't even succeed in basic things like getting proper sleep at night. Nothing is working. I have so many health problems from head to toe, and of course the mental issues as well.
I want to die but I don't have the guts to do anything about it. I really really really want to die. I hate living I hate living I hate it I really fuc*king hate it.
I want to die but I don't have the guts to do anything about it. I really really really want to die. I hate living I hate living I hate it I really fuc*king hate it.
Nanita
Well-known member
Today feeling slightly less awful is of course appreciated. But, really, my life is shitty. I am so depressed and have no hope and no energy to do things. I guess what would be good for me would be if I had easy things to do or easy responsibilities. I just don't see how that's going to happen. The nervousness and discomfort around people, combined with a bad physical health, makes everything seem impossible. I don't function in any way at all.
nodejesque
Well-known member
When I moved out, my family visited me very rarely. Twice to be exact. The visits were mostly for a place to stay while they were passing by. I often felt bad that they never thought to come and be here with me.... But I learned that I much prefer it that way. On those occasions that they did come, it was to nit pick my life and shortcomings, I'm sure it was to help me out in their own way... But now, I like that I can visit and leave when I am ready. As opposed to having to entertain and come up with things to say and share.
I am really close to my nieces and love them dearly. So I can relate to what you describe. I hope you have a lovely time when you do visit.
Nanita
Well-known member
Thanks for writing that. I like getting to know about how other people socialize with their families, cause it's a topic that brings me confusion very often..
I'm glad you found out that you prefer it the way it is, with your family only visiting rarely.
I do want my sister and her kids to visit me more often, I'm really dissapointed with how unbalanced our relationship is.
That day I wrote the post you commented on, I actually had a really good day at their place. .