Do I have social anxiety? Please help, so sad...

[OddOneOut]

Hi. I'm a 22-year-old girl with... strangeness. That's all I know. For years, I've been searching and searching for an explanation. I'm not looking for an excuse, or a crutch -- I just need to know so badly why I am the way I am, and if I can do anything about it.

Here, in a nutshell, is what makes me different. I have a lot of problems finding friends. I feel like I'm very, very different than other people. In conversations with acquaintances, I find myself going silent. Most people would assume I am either rude or shy. I know I'm not rude, and I'm not so sure I'm shy. I just can't converse with people because I have nothing, nothing in common with them at all, not even the "weird" crowds. There are times when I want to say something and don't out of anxiety. However, I think this is a result of me being so different from them, and knowing that if I do say it everyone will probably go silent and stare. If I'm silent, I can at least pretend to be normal. But of course, even that doesn't work. By the way, when I say silent, I really mean totally silent.

I feel like in a lot of ways I'm more innocent and child-like than other people. In my early teens I finally forced myself to stop playing dolls and imagination games because I knew how weird it was making me look. However, at 13 I felt like inside I was still eight years old (though not intellectually -- I've always been ahead of my years in that realm). And now, at 22, I'm supposed to be a "grown-up", but a lot of what people my age and older say sounds so "sophisticated" to me. Much of it tends to go over my head. I'm also very poor at pretending to be or feel something I'm not/I don't, so I can't just "play the game".

Is there such a thing as pathological introversion? Sometimes I feel like I have this. Even during those rare times when I do have friends, and am out having fun with them, I often slip back into my head and get lost in my own thoughts, forgetting to socialize with them. I do have desires (albeit less so than many people) to be with people, though. In my head, I have imaginary worlds, and like to watch the people interacting in those. It's all very elaborate. Note: I'm not crazy. I don't confuse what's in my head with reality.

So why am I posting? I feel so lonely and sad and confused. After years of loving my differences, and extreme creativity, and rich imagination, I sort of want to be like everyone else, at least socially. I want friends. I want it to be easy to make friends. I want to be able to relate to the people around me, to be able to have short conversations with a person in front of me in line. I want closeness. I hate feeling like a loser with no friends.

So do you think I might have social anxiety? I don't blush and shake profusely, though I do feel nervousness in social situations, and find myself unable to speak sometimes. I don't have racing thoughts about what people might think of me, but I do feel like I am much more self-conscious than most people. I can't seem to "get outside of my head" and "let go" as other people do. Please, please somebody help me.

 

[Angie_05]

Social phobia is so complex. Have you evaluated the symptoms of SP and thought about if you have them. Normally it is defined by avoidance of social situations because of the fear of being judged negatively.

Why do you feel you have nothing in common with people? You sound like you are sophisticated, despite what you might think.

 

[BrownEyes]

Hmm...well I'd say that if you have SA you'd know it because you'd feel scared and insecure during the times you are interacting with people. If you say you are simply unsure of what to say then maybe you just need more practice at it. Maybe you need to let go a little bit. SA is a little bit different than introversion. A lot of people with SA want to say something, want to interact but they cant because of this overwhelming fear of being treated negatively.

 

[soshi]

1

OddOneOut.

Hi, I sent you a private message because you sound very similar to me and I would like to talk more about it. You are not the only one who feels that way because I could have written your entire post except I was too afraid too.

 

[OddOneOut]

Hi Angie,

Thanks so much for replying! I am familiar with the DSM-IV criteria, and have read more information online (as well as having learned about it when college -- I have a psychology degree).

I feel like I have "social anxiety lite". However, while I may have a mild form of it, my problems are anything but mild. If my social anxiety is only mild, then there is something else going on as well.

Blech, maybe I *am* just crazy.

Socially, I'm definitely not sophisticated. I divide myself up into intellectual, emotional, and social parts. Intellectually, I'm well beyond my years, which can make me sound rather "sophisticated" or whatever in writing. Emotionally -- hard to say. Rarely having friends has stunted my development there in some ways, but because I'm such a sensitive person I think I'm doing okay in that department too. Socially, I'm far, far behind. I have a lot of trouble with non-verbal cues, and take a lot of what people say literally when I shouldn't, like a child might. I've also been told I'm not very good with body language (reading that of others, as well as displaying my own).

I think I'll keep reading here to see how I compare to other people.

 

[OddOneOut]

Hi Grumblina,

Thanks to you too for replying -- I was worried no one would answer. Sometimes I tell myself I'm just an introvert, and that's okay. However, so many people say they're introverted, and they sure don't seem it to me! They seem like major extroverts compared to me!

When I was younger and more optimistic, I used to keep a lookout for peers at school who were like me. I'd notice people who seemed very quiet and shy, and then observe them for awhile (sometimes even approach them and talk). Disappointingly, they usually turned out to be quieter versions of everyone else.

Thanks for the encouragement. I too sometimes handle things by telling myself that only my opinion of myself matters. I remind myself of the bumper sticker that says, "Why be normal?". I also tell myself that life is too short to spend it all worrying about what people think of me! After all, they're *just* people -- equal to me. It helps (this may sound strange) to think that in 100 or so years, most people, including my own descendents, will know next to nothing about me. After all, I (I'm a bit ashamed to say) know pretty much nothing about my great-grandparents, except their names and where they immigrated from. So even if I mess up big time, it won't alter the world forever.

Do you see a counselor? I've thought of that. I'll have to wait till I'm employed and have health insurance, of course. How much does it cost you? I've heard that they're SO expensive. I also don't want pills pushed at me.

Thanks for your help.

 

[OddOneOut]

Hey Brown Eyes,

You're right, maybe I don't have SA. I feel almost guilty posting here when I know there are people here who can barely (or maybe even can't) leave their homes.

I do often feel nervous and insecure when interacting with others, but it's not an overwhelming feeling. I don't have panic attacks or anything. It's the results of my social inabilities (ie being so lonely and having people insult my odd personality), rather than the interactions themselves that plague me so, so maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree here.

 

[Angie_05]

I'm a psych. major as well. I'm hoping to go onto clinical psychology, maybe a Ph.D (if I'm lucky). This public speaking phobia isn't helping that!

I also have not been diagnosed with SAD although I am very familiar with the DSM IV criteria also. I am able to speak to people without having a panick attack also. I have mild social anxiety but it's more of the thoughts that circle my head than the avoidance behavior that bothers me. I'm so tired of thinking.

When you have the funds to see a counselor or psych., I would tell them what you told us. Maybe not mention SAD because they might be primed by it. I would have them test you objectively.

You mention that you feel like you don't have the ability to socialize like others do. I think you said something about not having enough friends to have learned from. I'm not sure if there is a right way to socialize. Sometimes I disagree with the way a lot of us socialize as if it were an obligation. I think socializing is expressing what is on your mind...period.

You also said you have trouble reading others. This may be because you are constantly worrying about the social situation at the time, and the small signals may go unnoticed. I'm not sure this is a necessary skill anyway. I mean...men get through life without being able to do it as well as women can.

And whoever is telling you all these things that you are apparently lacking.....I think it's kinda weird that they notice so much.

 

[Eli]

They way you express your experience in a social environment reminds me of how I felt when I was younger - feeling different, not sure what to say, thinking that if you comment that people will just look at you like, "what is she saying? and "why is she saying it?"

I agree about trying to see a therapist - it can be spendy, way spendy - but there are people out there that charge on a sliding scale. If I can think of other options of free or cheaper therapy I will be sure to send another message.

Please don't feel bad about posting here - we are all here to help each other - SAD or not.

One thing that I have noticed about my own development and progression of SAD and AvPD is that I did not used to present with all the symptoms and was more just anxious in my head all the time about people - over the years my behaviors have become "clinical" so to speak. When I was younger (32 now) - I used to hold a job, socialize a bit - do the normal things - grocery store, out to the club every once in a while, etc... but all the while I was always stressing in my head and body about how I felt different, inferior, undeserving, etc... After years of failed relationships, not finding success in some professional way, other letdowns that totally aggravated what I was already feeling inside - I started changing my behavior - I would avoid meeting people - I would think way too much about how different I am and that it was hopeless and now I am not working, don't socialize AT ALL, barely get out of my house... yadda, yadda, yadda, the list goes on.

So what I am getting at is that you may have SA (more like a pre-SA) - one that bugs you but doesn't stop you in your tracks from living life. I am not trying to diagnose you at all - I would just encourage you to deal with your anxiety now and don't wait - it can get really messy. You don't need to have a label to get help - the right therapist makes all the difference, the wrong one - well, they make life a b--ch (are we allowed to swear?)

Good luck and keep posting,
Elizabeth