Does it ultimately boil down to Shame?

[FriendlyShadow]

Though it shames me to admit it, i guess i've never been able to, for whatever reason, live a life based on what other people have taught me is successful.

you know like...

be likable, have friends, be confident, know what you want and then be fearless in your pursuit of it, get goods marks in school, excel in sports, have a body you're proud of, get a degree, find a job, find your soul mate, make money, settle down and have a family, and have kids that will do all the same stuff and will make you feel proud of them.

the truth is i've never at any stage of my life had the ability or courage to make any of that happen. so that's why i'm so ashamed of myself now and live with so much fear and sorrow. fear because i don't want people to see me as i am (a complete failure) and sorrow since when i compare myself to them i know how much better off they all seem to be.

i wish someone could tell me "don't worry, you're not like them, but they're not better than you, you've got your own road to follow. don't compare yourself to them. what's a success for them, doesn't have to be for you."

that would make me feel a lot better about myself.

I honestly cannot stand when people tell me what you've just described about being confident and finding your soul mate, ect. I'd be surprised if I could find even one person to achieve all of what people tell them to do, or rather a person who does everything perfectly. This is no helpful advice. I could accept something like Just try the best you can, but people actually pressure having this perfect ideal shoved upon other people's doings, if that makes any sense. I just can't be what people expect me to be.

 

[Griffin]

I think for some people shame is a big factor, though perhaps not the only one. I'd say that's the case for me. I never approach women I'm attracted to because, in my mind, I never think I'm good enough. It would be an embarrassment for me to even consider it, and it feels like she would feel the same.

For others, as we can see from this forum, it might be down to other factors which have a more significant impact.

 

[ajohnson2]

I just finished reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" and highly recommend it to people here. She talks about shame and being approved of by others at great length. It's a very short read.

I realized what's ultimately at the core of my facial sweating in front of others is my own perception of self worth. It took me five years to reach this conclusion because it doesn't feel like that is the issue on the surface. I am just beginning to experiment with changing the belief to "I'm still who I am" instead of "I should stop sweating because others will judge me and that will reflect my self worth".

I went into a networking situation last night to practice. This new working belief helped quell the anxiety prior to the situation, but I had a heightened sense of physical sensations throughout and noticeably sweated when talking to one particular person. I've been working on self-compassion and hope this is the beginning of the end.

 

[savagewisdom]

Are all our shyness, low self esteem and anxiety problems just an extension of being ashamed of ourselves in some way?

i feel it is for me. i've always been ashamed of myself, and then add in some very unfortunate physical, environmental and emotional characteristics and then you have a recipe for disaster. which is what my life is... a disaster.

i don't think i can ever go without being ashamed of myself. so i guess then a relationship and a cure is not possible? who do i blame for this mess of a life then? myself, i suppose. mg:

I think it can but where did the shame originate from? It seems that it can't exist without an external source. I don't think shame is inherent. Someone or something triggered those feelings.
What is it about yourself that brings shame? (feel free to not answer if you don't want to talk about it.)

 

[jaim38]

"The Gifts of Imperfection" sounds like an interesting book. This thread about shame brings mind an article I read about unemployment:
BBC News - American Dream breeds shame and blame for job seekers

The op is right about anxiety being linked to shame.

 

[planemo]

I think it can but where did the shame originate from? It seems that it can't exist without an external source. I don't think shame is inherent. Someone or something triggered those feelings.
What is it about yourself that brings shame? (feel free to not answer if you don't want to talk about it.)

I wish i knew for sure what made me feel so ashamed of myself. over the years a lot of bullying, teasing and humiliations have occurred, which have added to the feeling of shame, but it was there before all those things happened.

i can't really pinpoint anything specific. i just know i felt inferior, thus ashamed, and then felt much more comfortable away from people, since i would avoid those feelings. the only thing i can think of was my family situation where my dad used to give me a lot of stares and odd looks. i'm not sure if anything besides that had happened. if it did i was too young to remember.

i just can't seem to figure out why i was "born" with this inferiority complex.

 

[Lavinialuna]

My mother said she was told by all 3 of us kid's (now grown) teachers that we had low self esteem. I remember my parents telling us they loved us everyday, can't remember any abuse or unnecessary shaming. Part of that could be born in? I was a fat stutterer, and so you can imagine the teasing that came with that. On top of that I am a highly sensitive person and have a tendency to ruminate, so I was as hard on myself for not living up to their (peers) standards as they were.
Once I got out of high school and had a job and boyfriends, my confidence level went up and I seemed to do well for awhile... but then I developed an autoimmune disease and slowly slipped to where I am now, an all time low. I don't leave the house unless accompanied by someone I trust and not very often. I won't even venture into the front yard until the sun starts going down, and if I want to take a walk I do it at night.
Yes, I have shame issues, but from the shame has grown an anger and dislike of people, an intolerance of others, especially those I perceive as not understanding. I basically tolerate my husband and kids, everyone else seems to suck the life's blood out of my body. I never feel safe, ever.

 

[planemo]

My mother said she was told by all 3 of us kid's (now grown) teachers that we had low self esteem. I remember my parents telling us they loved us everyday, can't remember any abuse or unnecessary shaming. Part of that could be born in? I was a fat stutterer, and so you can imagine the teasing that came with that. On top of that I am a highly sensitive person and have a tendency to ruminate, so I was as hard on myself for not living up to their (peers) standards as they were.
Once I got out of high school and had a job and boyfriends, my confidence level went up and I seemed to do well for awhile... but then I developed an autoimmune disease and slowly slipped to where I am now, an all time low. I don't leave the house unless accompanied by someone I trust and not very often. I won't even venture into the front yard until the sun starts going down, and if I want to take a walk I do it at night.
Yes, I have shame issues, but from the shame has grown an anger and dislike of people, an intolerance of others, especially those I perceive as not understanding. I basically tolerate my husband and kids, everyone else seems to suck the life's blood out of my body. I never feel safe, ever.

Did your parents have low self esteem? I know my mother had quite low self esteem. I'm not sure if it's a learnt habit.

"The Gifts of Imperfection" sounds like an interesting book. This thread about shame brings mind an article I read about unemployment:
BBC News - American Dream breeds shame and blame for job seekers

The op is right about anxiety being linked to shame.

That's an interesting article. A lot of people like myself find it hard to differentiate between unfortunate circumstances they can't control and their own self worth.

 

[Lavinialuna]

Did your parents have low self esteem? I know my mother had quite low self esteem. I'm not sure if it's a learnt habit.



Actually, yes, my mother seemed to, and she also has some severe anxiety issues so a lot of my issues could have been learned.