Shant
Well-known member
I'll try and keep this short since I tend to make threads that are more long and drawn-out. >.>
- I recall earlier in my childhood I was socially inept, but not socially anxious or depressed. More or less, I want to be like this. For a multitude of reasons my social skills aren't the best, but I can deal with that. I don't care if my social skills are a bit lacking, as long as I know how to be polite, so as to keep a job, I'm fine with it. I wish I still had this quirky personality rather than in this "nothingness" I'm at now where I can't even determine if I have a personality anymore.
- Eventually the anxiety and depression came in. I hit a low point where I was so anxious I couldn't tell a cashier what I wanted. I knew socializing frightened me, but not that it was a phobia, disorder, or that I really had any problems. Others who didn't know social phobia simply told me things like "practice makes perfect", more socializing means eventually I'll get over the phobia.
- Over time, here I am now. "Practice makes perfect" = err... not exactly. Half and half. The anxiety hasn't reduced a bit ever since. I have, however, learned how to talk and cope with speaking under the anxiety, but it's just so difficult. I can tell a cashier what I want. As a matter of fact, I am a cashier now (among other responsibilities at my current job). Under the anxiety I've "gotten better", but only when it comes to functioning despite this anxiety wearing at me and tearing me down. I've only gotten better on the outside, but on the inside, it's still the same old same old. Socializing requires painfully intense effort!
So basically, I "manage" the feeling well, but I'm tired of the feeling. I haven't always been like this and I hate being like this. Lastly, every time I get home from education, my job, the youth group, clubs/groups/organizations, I succeed at doing the bare minimum; making it seem like I'm sociable or without a social phobia. But I get home, and I'm lonely, and realize: No matter what I do, I don't end up actually making any friends. Out of a fear of trusting others, a fear of my friends leaving me. But ultimately, to do anything about that is the last challenge; at the end of the day, I'm so worn out dealing with this anxiety, that I'm too tired to really do anything else. Hardly even homework, leading to procrastination. As for actually making any friends? That means going back out there, and dealing with the anxiety. Again. Then that's it. I don't think I can do it, I'm so deprived of energy to deal with anxiety until several hours of sleep to deal with it again the next day.
Even friends I've had for several years, before social anxiety hit a low point, I'm anxious around now. Is it possible to ever be comfortable around other people? Anti-anxiety medication (Anxiolytics?) also doesn't seem to do anything.
Is this typical for social anxiety?
- I recall earlier in my childhood I was socially inept, but not socially anxious or depressed. More or less, I want to be like this. For a multitude of reasons my social skills aren't the best, but I can deal with that. I don't care if my social skills are a bit lacking, as long as I know how to be polite, so as to keep a job, I'm fine with it. I wish I still had this quirky personality rather than in this "nothingness" I'm at now where I can't even determine if I have a personality anymore.
- Eventually the anxiety and depression came in. I hit a low point where I was so anxious I couldn't tell a cashier what I wanted. I knew socializing frightened me, but not that it was a phobia, disorder, or that I really had any problems. Others who didn't know social phobia simply told me things like "practice makes perfect", more socializing means eventually I'll get over the phobia.
- Over time, here I am now. "Practice makes perfect" = err... not exactly. Half and half. The anxiety hasn't reduced a bit ever since. I have, however, learned how to talk and cope with speaking under the anxiety, but it's just so difficult. I can tell a cashier what I want. As a matter of fact, I am a cashier now (among other responsibilities at my current job). Under the anxiety I've "gotten better", but only when it comes to functioning despite this anxiety wearing at me and tearing me down. I've only gotten better on the outside, but on the inside, it's still the same old same old. Socializing requires painfully intense effort!
- To hear every word they say,
- comprehend all of it,
- put it all together into a meaning,
- think of what I should say in response,
- decide on what to say,
- decide on how to say it,
- and lastly, say it.
So basically, I "manage" the feeling well, but I'm tired of the feeling. I haven't always been like this and I hate being like this. Lastly, every time I get home from education, my job, the youth group, clubs/groups/organizations, I succeed at doing the bare minimum; making it seem like I'm sociable or without a social phobia. But I get home, and I'm lonely, and realize: No matter what I do, I don't end up actually making any friends. Out of a fear of trusting others, a fear of my friends leaving me. But ultimately, to do anything about that is the last challenge; at the end of the day, I'm so worn out dealing with this anxiety, that I'm too tired to really do anything else. Hardly even homework, leading to procrastination. As for actually making any friends? That means going back out there, and dealing with the anxiety. Again. Then that's it. I don't think I can do it, I'm so deprived of energy to deal with anxiety until several hours of sleep to deal with it again the next day.
Even friends I've had for several years, before social anxiety hit a low point, I'm anxious around now. Is it possible to ever be comfortable around other people? Anti-anxiety medication (Anxiolytics?) also doesn't seem to do anything.
Is this typical for social anxiety?
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