Does/would SP stop you getting married and/or having kids?

[Section_31]

My wife and I had this problem. Our wedding day in sept was pure hell for her. The whole week she was a trembling bundle of nerves on the couch, she couldnt keep anything down. We had to cancel alot of dinners with relatives we hadnt seen in yrs because she was in no shape to go.

We ended up going to the doctor, who gave her what we both refer to as her "nuclear calmdown pill". I dont remember what it was called, but as soon as our doc saw her he knew what to give her. It didnt cure her anxiety, but calmed her down enough that she was able to proceed and even enjoy things, though she was still a little bit nervous.

All i can say, is if you do meet that someone and things go this way, dont let SA/SP stop you. There ARE things to help you get through it. See your doc, he or she can help.

 

[PhillyFlyersGrl]

I believe there was a thread here very recently about someone that got married not long ago, so it's certainly not out of the question. :3

Yes Blackpuma, I was the one that got married recently, March 20th. To Night Crawler, I've been on Celexa for the past 2yrs and it has helped alot. Plus the support of everyone here on this site has helped. I was very suprised I wasn't nervous when I got married, I suprised myself and I was proud of myself for once..
Like I said before I really think it's because everyone that came to the wedding were there in support of us. I only had 75 people, it was the perfect amount of people I think.
Plus there was no family dramas to make me nervous. There was nothing extra that could have triggered my S.P.
Since your a guy..I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but typically the bride really does get the most attention.
Also when you decide to get married there's plenty of options. You could elope, have a very small ceremony with some family and friends. You don't have to do it the way I did.

 

[planemo]

having SAD, means no marriage for me I'm afraid.

 

[cosmosis]

93% of all marriages involving a person with Asperger's syndrome ends with a divorce. I'm not going to take that risk unless I've been together with the girl for at least five years.

Haha, what if both are Aspergers then? I got married to someone who is almost as messed up as me. I think its very possible to get married and stay happily married even if you are pretty severe. For me, it helps that the other person is very similar and we can always share a good cynical laugh. I would probably feel alienated if she was a socialite.

 

[Crumpal]

I'm married. We met through being invited to outings by a mutual friend and doing things like hiking in the rain. At some point I finally got up the guts to ask for her email address, and things ended up working out well. It only took until I was 30 years old before I got up the guts to do something like that, but hey, all is well that ends well..

 

[bigcat1967]

I'm married and have one kid (plus one cat and four guinee pigs )

...and I have SA

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Haha, what if both are Aspergers then?

I was wondering this exact same thing. I'm not sure whether the chances for a couple who both have Aspergers would be better or worse than for a couple where only one of them suffers from it.

It's sad that the figure is as high as 93% though. You'd think that if you were marrying someone you'd know them well enough to be able to accept their condition.

 

[Remus]

I have had partners and have children, my SA is much worse with Men and groups/crowds/queues. With women I'm not shy nor do I have love shyness, I'm least SA with young kids but more SA with teenagers. Men I find intimidating if they are alpha male.

I really think we should have a rule for people who say 'How can you have SA if so and so', or 'you can't have SA', no one hear is qualified to say that.

 

[coyote]

I really think we should have a rule for people who say 'How can you have SA if so and so', or 'you can't have SA', no one hear is qualified to say that.

amazingly I can drive and tie my own shoes, too


sometimes people can do things IN SPITE of their problems

seriously, I don't get why people say "if you are able to do xyz, you must not have SA"

having anxiety in given situation does not necessarily PREVENT you from doing it - maybe it just makes it really hard

the manifestation of the problem for SOME might be to not attempt xyz

for others is it may simply be suffering extreme anxiety while doing xyz

it might be really difficult and uncomfortable and they still do it anyway

 

[coyote]

Isn't obvious that I wasn't judging them or their honesty? it was rhetoric kind of comment!

no, it's not obvious at all

 

[Remus]

no, it's not obvious at all

ditto and it didn't seem so to other users, judging from thier responses.

 

[Remus]

Isn't obvious that I wasn't judging them or their honesty? it was rhetoric kind of comment!

It might have been wise to make that clear

 

[Remus]

amazingly I can drive and tie my own shoes, too


sometimes people can do things IN SPITE of their problems

seriously, I don't get why people say "if you are able to do xyz, you must not have SA"

having anxiety in given situation does not necessarily PREVENT you from doing it - maybe it just makes it really hard

the manifestation of the problem for SOME might be to not attempt xyz

for others is it may simply be suffering extreme anxiety while doing xyz

it might be really difficult and uncomfortable and they still do it anyway

Indeed! I still feel like fainting in queues or waiting in the docs surgery. I resist the urge to run away.
When my child was born in the hospital, I was so nervous I had the squitz and had to keep going to the toilet (luckily there was one en suite in the birthing room).

 

[coyote]

i believe my AvPD and SA was instrumental in the ruin of my second marriage

it was also a key factor in allowing my first ex to take advantage of me in our divorce settlement - which, in turn, lead to more problems in my second marriage

that's only the tip of the iceberg

maybe I'll share more another time

the point is - even though I was able to meet, court, and marry someone IN SPITE of social anxiety - the social anxiety eventually contributed to the failure of both relationships

falling in love and getting into a relationship is not always the pot at the end of the rainbow

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

i believe my AvPD and SA was instrumental in the ruin of my second marriage

it was also a key factor in allowing my first ex to take advantage of me in our divorce settlement - which, in turn, lead to more problems in my second marriage

that's only the tip of the iceberg

maybe I'll share more another time

the point is - even though I was able to meet, court, and marry someone IN SPITE of social anxiety - the social anxiety eventually contributed to the failure of both relationships

falling in love and getting into a relationship is not always the pot at the end of the rainbow

Isn't it a pot of gold? Or lucky charms?

Anyways thanks for sharing, Coyote. Third times the charm right. Never know... we can only learn from our past so we are not to be defined by it. But marriage isn't the end of the rainbow either; could be the pressures of just what marriage represents that can contribute to the SA failing the relationships. Idk I have never been married, just how I may feel.

You've still done A LOT in spite of your SA/AvPD and that's an inspiration.

 

[lurknomore]

Just a thought that occured to me... SA manifests itself in many different specific situations that are different for different people. It seems the OP wants to know how someone with SA could overcome their fear of public speaking (as in the actual marriage ceremony) and get married... however, for some people with SA, there is no fear (not more so than most normal people anyway) of public speaking- like myself. I've made it through one marriage ceremony, and done plenty of recitations and presentations for school no problem- standing in front of people is no problem for me as long as I have a "script" for exactly what I'm going to say- that being said, I wouldn't be able to do it if I were just getting up there and improvising or being thrown questions to respond to that I have no idea of ahead of time.

 

[coyote]

Just a thought that occured to me... SA manifests itself in many different specific situations that are different for different people. It seems the OP wants to know how someone with SA could overcome their fear of public speaking (as in the actual marriage ceremony) and get married... however, for some people with SA, there is no fear (not more so than most normal people anyway) of public speaking- like myself. I've made it through one marriage ceremony, and done plenty of recitations and presentations for school no problem- standing in front of people is no problem for me as long as I have a "script" for exactly what I'm going to say- that being said, I wouldn't be able to do it if I were just getting up there and improvising or being thrown questions to respond to that I have no idea of ahead of time.

I'm ok with public speaking - one of those things that spikes my anxiety, but I enjoy the activity so I do it anyway.

At my first wedding, my groomsmen and I shared a bottle of schnapps in the little waiting room behind the church choir before the ceremony

At my second wedding, I was too much in love to notice the 1,000,000 people (literally) surrounding us as we conducted the ceremony in front of Buckingham Fountain during the Taste of Chicago. Corny but true.

 

[cosmosis]

It is funny, because social anxiety can be very different. My biggest fear is new people, meeting people and first impressions. The longer I am around someone, the less my anxiety is. Once I get to know someone closely, I feel more confident. Whereas my wife is the opposite. She is calm around new people, but starts to get scared after long term interaction. She loses more confidence as the relationship gets more intense. Obviously both of us got married, so neither side is an obvious barrier to marriage.

Guys I apologize to anyone found my comment judgmental or offensive. I'm not here to offend anybody.

I found nothing you said offensive. Expressing a personal opinion should never offensive.

 

[nightcrawler]

What's wrong with you people! I started to think that I landed in the wrong forum.. shouldn't having SA make it unbearable just to get passing across the road? I'm deadly serious.. if you can get through a whole so "horrifying" process such as marriage (and divorce), what had happened to the SA issue.. is it that easy?

Or may be it is just that only the married members shared their stories in the post.. opposed to the 'silent majority'.. hmm.. yep, I think so.

You make some good points Basil. I too am surprised at the number of replies from people who have actually got married here, and some have even had kids. But then I guess that gives others hope who think they will never be able to go through with it - like myself. As I said in my original post, I can't ever see myself getting married and just the thought of being the centre of attention for the whole day petrifies me. But then it's not completely black & white - some have said about having a small ceremony with just a handful of people. Even for me this would be a struggle, but it's definitely more manageable than the whole big white wedding option! I'm almost 40 years old and marriage is looking less and less likely every passing year, but it really is a case of Never say never!

 

[Crumpal]

I can't ever see myself getting married and just the thought of being the centre of attention for the whole day petrifies me.

I mentioned this fear to a good friend a couple days before my wedding. He told me "You're not the one everybody's watching, its her that everybody's watching!". Whether thats true or not, i'm not sure, but it did help a bit. Well, that and the 3-4 glasses of wine..

I was still very very nervous, and spent the whole time of the ceremony in my terror state of mind - where I can feel my muscles twitching and I just want to run away, feeling like i'm floating above my body and I have no control over what I am doing or saying - i'm sure many people here can likely relate to that. But, in the end, besides being extremely nervous and people picking up on how nervous I was, nothing disastrous happened, and I survived.

And the whole time nobody cared that I was nervous. After all, they were watching her, not me.. Right?