Empty

[this_portrait]

For a while, I've been feeling under the weather, and today I spiraled down suddenly.

It's been a while since I've been legitimately depressed. My therapist is probably going to wonder what happened since the last time I saw her, because in many of my past sessions, I've been in a decent mood and seemed to have things all together.

Now, I just feel empty. Nothing really matters to me. I feel like a waste of space and that I will never amount to anything despite hard effort because I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time, economic-wise.

Feeling this way is making it very hard for me to get the motivation to work on my school work. Granted, I only have one more week of classes after tomorrow, followed by finals week. I suppose now is a better time to feel this way than in the middle or beginning of the semester, but still.

And aside from my therapist, my mother, and this forum, I feel like I have no one to confide in about my misery. I feel like I have to constantly be happy and content around nearly everyone, or else they won't want anything to do with me. I'm sick of putting on this act, though. This Sunday I have to spend 3 hours at the exhibit where my senior project will be, and I don't know if I can stand around for that long acting all happy when in reality I feel miserable.

Everything is so damn bland. Things look so uncertain. I'm told I'm privileged, but I sure as hell don't feel like it right now. I think I'm beginning to see why some people off themselves.

I don't know anymore. I just wish a miracle would happen, or at least a guardian angel would swoop down and offer me some lasting solace.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Well... I've been told by my therapist that alot of patients do experience that 'miracle' moment-- when they wake up one morning and everything seems pretty good; and they can pick up where they left off before the downward spiral.

I have yet to experience it... but I hope for some kind of magic or something to happen because feeling like a useless pile of crap with no future, unable to like or enjoy anything is pretty boring.
It's hard to press on, but it's the only thing you can do.
Things can get better.

Just try and find distractions on days like this.

 

[MikeyC]

Now, I just feel empty. Nothing really matters to me. I feel like a waste of space and that I will never amount to anything despite hard effort because I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time, economic-wise.

It's a depressing thought when this pops in your head, and I get it, too. From the little I know of you, you will amount to something because you have resolve. However, I totally understand your feelings because I have the exact thoughts almost every day.

I feel like I have to constantly be happy and content around nearly everyone, or else they won't want anything to do with me. I'm sick of putting on this act, though.

Then don't. People might then ask you what's wrong, and that can be your opportunity to tell them you're unhappy, or go into further detail with them if you wish. Putting up an act is not always the best solution.

I'm really sorry you're depressed, though. I have felt what you're feeling way more times than I care to count. My inbox is open if you want it.

Just try and find distractions on days like this.

Yeah, this is about the best you can do.

 

[Hoppy]

Cut and paste from most of my life.

It sometimes feel as if I'm clinging to life with my fingernails, but I have to go on.

I offer you all my support and sympathy.

 

[this_portrait]

I guess sometimes I feel like I'm not allowed to be miserable at all. I feel like no one wants to be around me when I feel miserable. Maybe I feel people think that because in the past, I was known to be in a bad mood all the time.

Talked to my aunt last night and got a few things off my chest. She was pretty supportive and even offered to help me out with applying to certain jobs. I did talk to my mother a little, though she didn't really have a whole lot to say. I don't think she's one to offer comforting and supportive words much, probably because she doesn't know what to really say. I'm the same, and I'm starting to realize where I get it from.

Being placed on a pedestal by much of my family doesn't make things any better, either. While it's not good to degrade your kids, placing them on a pedestal can be just as bad. It creates the illusion that they're 'perfect' and 'have no real problems' and 'can do no wrong.' Granted, my family knows that I'm not perfect and seem to accept me for it, anyway, yet they still portray me as perfect around other people.

Because of the expectations my family (especially my mother) has held me to, I've created high expectations of myself over the years that are not easy to live up to, so when I fall even a little short, I feel like a failure and like I'm a loser. Maybe I'm not as much of a perfectionist as some, but it's still an issue I deal with from time to time.

Maybe I need to delve into my hobbies more and get more of my own self-expression out there...

 

[MikeyC]

Of course you're allowed to be miserable. It's a normal feeling and everyone gets it. You said that your parents have very high expectations of you, which is maybe why you feel like you're not allowed to be upset because you'd be letting them down.

Just do what you want to do and hopefully your parents will be okay with that. Remember that it's your life, not theirs. Easier said than done, though, because they are your parents at the end of the day.